A lesson Never learned

I sighed pulling at my hair, it wasn't messy per say but that didn't stop me from worrying. The whole band was relying on me getting this right, if we didn't get the deal now, they'd all hate me.
" Just take deep breathes, they'll love you, don't worry!" Danny smiled at me, after last night he'd apologised and he was actually okay. Ben on the other hand hadn't ben talked to me. And I hadn't talked to him. I glanced down at my outfit, pretty much just normal clothes. I didn't see the point of looking dressed up and smart, I mean they took asking on and their messy as hell.
" Hey." I glance up a Ben,
" Hi." It felt awkward, having not talk to him in ages and now here we are, together after years, not talking.
" I-uh- Can we talk?" I nodded my head, I knew he'd want to talk at some point.
" Okay, cool." He grabbed my hand and led me away from the others, Probably to talk somewhere more Privet.
" Uh, look, I'm sorry for last night. It was a dickish thing to do. I'm sorry."
"It's a whatever thing, don't worry." I smiled slightly, trying to reassure him,and me.
" Okay, cool, good. I-look Lana, In high school we, I left. What we had..." He stopped talking and looked away,
" What?" I was confused, like really confused.
" Lana, God you don't understand. When I left I thought I'd never see you again. I loved you. I don't know how or why I didn't tell you, I guess I realised when I got back home. I thought 'shit I'm never gonna see her again' and everything inside of me just collapsed. Lana I thought all of those feeling were gone, I ever married Samantha fuck sake. I love her, I really do. But last night, me getting drunk, it was because as soon as I saw you all those feelings and memories, they all came back. Lana I think I love you and I can't. I can't love you. I love Samantha and I don't want to loose her." He took in a deep breathe and looked into my eyes, " I know its a lot to take in but-but- I don't think I can see you again. If I do.." I looked down at the floor, tears threatening to fall, was this really happening?
" Seriously?" I inhaled slightly to stop myself from crying,
" Look, Lana, I ju-"
" No, Ben, No. The only reason I came out here was to see my friend. I don't even know why we were friends. You beat the crap out of me and then one day decided to be my friend. I don't even know how I was stupid enough so let you get this close to me. " Well looks like I'd have to re apply my make up , " Fuck you. Fuck you Ben. Yeah I might have loved you slightly, maybe I still do. But-but I'm not pulling this shit. How could I ever think this would work? My high school crush would see me and we'd fall in love and he'd dump his wife and... Fuck I'm an idiot. I ever thought that'd happen, this is all so cliche. Fuck you. Fuck all this shit. My whole fucking life is like a shitty movie! Fuck it all!" I pushed passed him and ran. I didn't really care where I was going, who saw me or if anyone was following. I was in a shitty city in a shitty state running away from shitty problems.

I guess I stopped running somewhere between when I remembered the time in high school when Alan first punched me in the face and the time I first hurt myself. And now here I was curled up in a ball on the floor of a creepy ally crying about everything that ever went wrong in my life.
I kept looking at the scars that lingered on my arm, they stuck out from my skin and looked horrible. It had been years since I'd even glanced at them and now I was tracing each and everyone of them. Why had I done this to myself?It didn't solve any problems and it just made shit worse.
I sighed pulling myself up from the ground, I had to get my shit together.

Notes

sorry I didn't update on the weekend D: I probably won't update for a few weeks as I'm on holiday, sorry ;-; Thankyou guys for reading and I'll update as soon as possible c: