iBelieve

“I can do this.”

“Dude, just three days ago, you were gasping for air because of a lump in your throat. Don’t you think you outta get that check out?”

“It’s gone isn’t it? So it was probably nothing. Now come on, we have a concert to do.” I sigh. I don’t know what happened three days ago, with the lump in my throat and the not breathing, all I know is that Andy has been ignoring me and Devin is getting suspicious as to why. Right now, The Word Alive is finishing their last song before we go up and do our intro thing for Austin and the guys. I had to fill in Cassadee’s vocals with Devin for Electric Forest and my throat felt fine.

So, I feel that tonight I have nothing to worry about. Since it’s our first concert since Warped, I went all out. Well, not really. I had on another pair of ripped black skinny jeans.

“How’s everyone doing here tonight!!!!” the crowd cheers the various ‘I love you’ and whatnot.

“Have you been told to stop believing in something?” the crowd yells ‘yeah.’ I smile and lean in. We’re waiting on side stage and the guys are out back practicing a little. “Well,” the music of Life Cycles start to play in. “I rather die for what I believe, then live a life without meaning!!!!” the crowd cheers and Telle starts the rest of the song. Telle looks at me from side stage and I give him a thumbs up. Shayley walks up to me, towel on his head, and stand next to me.

“You ready?” I nod.

“I was born ready.” I quickly tied on the laces of my Vans.

“And now that I'm older...
And now that I'm older,
I'm finding out How,
What it means
To start over.

Well, it's never gonna be that easy.
I've searched and searched,
But the searchlights have left me.
I've tried to find a way, I swear I tried,” Telle smiles at me and goes back to pouncing on stage. I look at their drummer, Luke, and smile. So many young people taking a chance at their dreams.

The crowd sings along with Tyler’s clean lyrics and are head banging.

“So can you feel it now?
Beneath the surface where the shadows dwell.
You can't hide from the path you chose.
So take it in, take it in,
All the burdens of the world!” on the other side of the stage, I see Devin waving at me. I wave back, wiping a few tears from my eyes. I loved listening to this song since Tyler first wrote it.

“SO FAR AWAY!!!” the guys run up to me and I’m tossed a mic. I jump in place and shake my hands out.

“I'm starting over!
I'm starting over!
I'd rather die for what I believe,
Than live a life without meaning.”
“Meaning!” The crowd screams
“Oh! I'm starting over!”

“Here’s Mandalay everyone!” Telle runs off stage and Luke gives me a pat on the back as the rest of their band plows through. I walk on stage and wave at the crowd. They scream and I smile at them.

“Hey guys.” I say into the microphone as I put it on the stand.

“I love your tattoo!!!” someone yells really loud.

“Thank you.” It was a girl in front row. Her eyes widen out of her sockets and she started to cry. “Whoa, your eyes went,” I put my hands in position and set them in front of my face demonstrating to the crowd what she did. “It’s okay sweetie.” I say.

“I love you.” She says. Everyone aw’s.

“Aw, I love you too.” She smiles. “Here’s Reinventing Your Exit!” the crowd cheers and the guys start it up. I could feel the energy flowing through me. I looked on side stage to see Andy staring at me while Of Mice and Men were getting ready.

“12th and Hide on a Sunday. Feeling like we're gold. And we're nothing short of invincible” I sing into the microphone. The crowd screams so loud even through my ear plugs I felt as if my ears were gonna bust.

“Invincible!” Adele screams. "Invincible!"

“It starts again. Can you feel it? It takes your breath away. Stop saying that we're invincible. It's round and round, you're uninviting, unrewarding. And I'm misinforming you, misinforming you,”

“Okay this is our last song for the night before we give it up to Austin!” I say while the beginning of the song is playing out.

“Maybe we, why don't we sit right here for half an hour? We'll speak of what a waste I am, and how we missed your beat again!” I sing into the microphone. I had sweat dripping down from my hair. My arms were turning red again and my feet hurt from pouncing around.

“I swear we need to find some comfort in this run down place. To bridge the gap of this conscious state that we live in. And I'm short of time!”

I always love singing this song. This is personally one of my favorite songs.

“How could you trust it?” I sing, looking at Adele,

“These fate trashed walls,” he cuts a glance at me from his position.

“To fit the shape of what they tell you” it was like a conversation between the two of us.

“Come on, move on, move on”

“But mostly what they show you”

“Not this way, not this way,”
I quickly combed my hair back with my fingers before breathing for the next part. Adele sounded good, everyone sounded good.

“I'm taking back all the things I said. Thinking back all the things I said. Keep me filled in, I swear I'll come.”

“We walk alone, we walk alone. We walk alone, we walk alone. We walk alone. We walk alone, back home. My own back home!”

I sing, walking up to the audience and sticking my hand in. “You're almost gone and I'm okay,”

“I still say you're sorry,”

“,to give you time to be afraid.”

“But never, your face, I still, I remember. You’re frozen!”

We all do a quick head bang before just the instruments fill in. All of us were occupied by an instrument of some sort and it’s those moments that I love the most.

“I hope to God you come down. I hope to God you feel this now. I hope to, God you come down. I hope to……God,”

“I know there must be some way out of here and all of them will be waiting there!”

“Give it up for Of Mice and Men everybody!” When I hit the side stage, I start to walk off when Alan grabs my shoulders.

“I need to talk to you.” And then walks on stage, resuming his smiley self to the crowd. I walk towards the cooler to grab a bottle of water when Andy walks up to me.

“Gwen, I need to talk to you.” He says. I nod and gulp the water. I’ve been feeling so thirsty lately. No matter how much I drink, I’m still thirsty. It’s as if the water never reaches past my throat. I finish the first water bottle and reach for another when Andy grabs my hand. “Gwen, your neck.” He puts my hand on my throat. “Swallow.” He commands. I open the bottle and drink some of the water. When I swallowed, I felt something hard against the skin of my neck. My eyes widen and I spit the water back up at Andy. He blinks and wipes his face.

It’s nothing. It’s nothing at all.

I nod at Andy and run off to the bathroom of the coliseum we’re at. I open the door and slam it shut, running to the mirror. I opened the flash light on my phone and opened my mouth, shining the light down my throat. I saw a little pink ball right in my throat. My stomach turned and I ran to the toilet, vomiting up blood. The little pink ball came up with the blood and was now floating in the toilet. My stomach turned once more and I vomited up food from earlier.

This is defiantly something. I don’t know what, but people just don’t go vomiting up blood and pink little balls. Coughing and sputtering up blood one last time, I flush the toilet and press my head against the stall door. It’s so cold and it feels so good. Sighing, I got up and rinsed my mouth out in the sink and fixed my appearance. I swallowed and felt nothing against my skin.

“You said you wanted to talk to me?” Alan stepped off the tour bus and leaned against the door frame.

“I took your advice about how if Maddie was using me I should break up her?” I started to smile. Maybe he broke up with her and we could get along. Honestly, if she’s making him feel low, he needs someone who can make him smile, make him have butterflies and someone who can capture his attention.

Like he did to me.

“Yeah,” I edge on.

“Well, I talked to her and she apologized. Gwen, you just saved my relationship.” Did you hear the exploding noise? Yup. That was my heart. I might as well be Pluto. I’m so far away, cold, lonely, and with the nagging feeling that everyone on the fancy planet doesn’t even acknowledge that I exist and wants me to blow up. Well, go ahead and blow me up because it doesn’t matter.

“And, we’ve decided that on the 31st, to have a Halloween party. After our performance, we’ll stay the night in that city and use the auditorium as a dance floor and we’ll play back drops of music and karaoke things. And, instead of costumes, everyone has to wear masks. I invited Maddie to come. So invite a friend or something.” I nodded. My Halloween will consist of me eating a bowl of Harris Teeter icing and Face Timing Camy and Belle while they go trick or treating.

“Cool.”

“Thank you Gwen.”

“Whatever.” I slump away from the bus and into my own. I walk past my band, shooting them the peace sign and I climb up in my bunk, falling face forward into the mattress.

“Why the lone face?” I turned my head over and saw David standing in front of my bunk.

“Boys.” I grumble. David instantly backed away from me.

“Please don’t scream at us again.” He pleads.

“I won’t.” I mumble into the pillow.

“What boy has you down?” I scoot over so David can crawl into my bunk.

“The stupid band we’re headlining. I give out advice and somehow, it’s turned against me.” I frown into my pillow.

“Hey, cheer up. We’re going costume shopping tomorrow for the party. Just the five of us. It’ll be fun.” He nudges me in the ribcage and I squirm.

“I don’t know….”

“You have to.”

“Why?”

“I’m the oldest and I say so.” I groan and shove David off my bunk. He lands with a thump to the floor. “That’s it,” he stands up and drags me off the bunk and over his shoulder.

“Let me go!” I yell and pound my fists against his back. He walks into the front lounge where a game of Mario Kart was going down. David drops me on the couch and then he sits on my back.

“Until you smile, I am not letting you go.”

“It doesn’t matter I am not smiling.”

“Suit yourself.” While he broke my back in, someone started knocking on the door.

“Someone get it!” Lucas yelled as he tried to run Adele off the track.

“There’s someone on my back.” I mumble.

“Shower!” Brendon yells from the steamy bathroom.

“It’s open! David yells towards the door. The door opens and two figures walk onto our bus.

They were police officers.

Notes