iBelieve

We arrive in LAX and we’re waiting for the belt to come around with our stuff. I’m already in a crabby mood. Unless someone brings me daughter with them, I don’t want to talk to them. I’m just ready for this tour to be over with.

Andy comes around with a video camera and points it at me.

“It’s your mom! She’s in a bad mood though, turn that frown upside down Gwenth.” I glare at Andy.

“Oh, do continue Andrew.” He frowns and turns the camera to Devin who is sitting on the belt as it goes around and Zachary who is sleeping on the belt.

“Uncle Devin!” he exclaims. Devin waves at the camera as the belt goes around another time. I sigh, really wishing I could enjoy this happy moment. But I can’t, knowing that I’m not there to kiss Belle to sleep tonight or read her song lyrics or let her listen to daddy sing.

The belt finally brings around our luggage and I eagerly grab mine. The sooner we get to Huntington, the sooner we can start and the sooner I can be home. Devin pushes Zach off the belt and his bag hits him in the head. Devin grabs his bag and we head out, hailing a taxi. Devin gets the passenger seat next to the driver. He sends us a look that screams ‘help!’ and I get in between Zach and Andy. Andy throws his arm over me and I curl up next to him. I dread the whole ride to Huntington. I mean, what is Of Mice and Men like? Are they nice or do they dress like Motionless In White or anything like Black Veil Brides? What kind of genre are they? Are they even familiar with I See Stars? Is it just three random bands touring together or is there more that I haven’t been told? Are they as funny as The Word Alive or August Burns Red or just plain douche canoes?

See, this is why I don’t like touring. It’s the constant ‘What If’s?’ But, I have to admit, I’m kinda excited to see my band again. I haven’t seen them since Warped this year.

My band is Mandalay. We got the name from our RV we used when we first started out as a band. Plus, it was kinda a last minute thing.

There are five of us. We have a formation sort of like blessthefall. With me being vocals, there’s Adele he plays bass and screams, David who’s lead guitar, Brendon who plays rhythm and Lucas he’s drums. Out of all of us, I’m the youngest at twenty-three. The oldest is David, he’s twenty-six. We’ve been together since I was 16. We didn’t get as big as we were until I was just turning 18. We played out for a couple more months until the guys could actually tell I was pregnant. We went on hiatus, but didn’t explain why. When Belle turned five months, I went back on the road to tour.

Not that I have anything against touring, but, after Belle was born, I just didn’t want to go and leave her. Andrew had to leave when she was just five days old. And I had grown to her in those five months, leaving her seemed, wrong.

“Hey,” Andy nudges me in the rib. I smile at him.

“Are we there?” he shakes his head.

“Let’s play a game.” I groan and roll my head to Zach’s shoulder. “Name a band that you’ve toured with who is now disbanded.”

“Woe Is, Me.” Zach calls.

“My Chemical Romance.”

“We haven’t toured with MCR you buttwipe.” Andy says to Devin.

“I know, but I wish we did.” Andy rolls his eyes.

“I say Attack Attack! What about you?” Andy asks me. I think for a moment. Only one band really stood out to me, mainly their lead singer. He was just an inspiration because he understood how I felt about touring and leaving behind Belle.

“Suicide Silence.” The taxi goes quite as do myself. I hate that. I hate whenever someone mentions Suicide Silence, they automatically go silent. Just because Mitch is dead doesn’t mean you have to go silent. You can still talk about him. He had and still has amazing music.

“Er, what band do you want to tour with?” Zach asks, probably noticing the awkwardness.

“Memphis May Fire.” Andy says.

“My Chemical Romance.”

“Devin, shut up!” Zach and Andy yell at their lead singer.

“A Skylit Drive.” Zach says.

“Oceans Ate Alaska.” They all look at me as if I said Satan. “What? You said any band, they don’t always have to be famous.” They all snicker at me and I fall back to the seat.

“So, how’s Belle?” Devin asks from up front. I smile at the thought of her.

“She great! Camy’s still trying to get her to talk, but she loves listening to you guys’ music.” They all smile and Andy pulls my into his arms.

“What’s her favorite song?”
“Anything by The Killers.” I say.

“By us I mean.” Devin adds.

“Of course it’s iBelieve. She loves hearing her dad’s voice.” Andy smiles and kisses my cheek,

“What are you doing for her fifth birthday?” Zach asks, completely unaware of the date on her birthday. My face drops. I hate that I won’t be there on her birthday and I had it planned months ago. Her birthday is in eight months, which means my 24th birthday. Andy and I were going to fly out to Los Angeles to visit my dad and have a beach themed party. Andy was going to teach her how to swim and I was going to see if my band could fly out. It was supposed to be fun. But now I can kiss it all goodbye.

“Gwen has a tour on her birthday, so this year, she’ll be with us.” Andy pipes in.

“Oh. Well, don’t worry! We can still fly her out somewhere.”

“Actually, we’re all going to visit her dad.”

“Mr. Victory?” Devin snickers from up the front seat. I find it funny how everyone thinks my dad’s last name is Victory when it isn’t. My middle name is Victory. My dad’s last name is way too complicated to be put on a magazine issue. So I go by my stage name, Gwen Victory.

“No, my dad’s last name is not Victory. It’s my middle name.”

“Then what’s Belle’s last name?”

“Oliver.”

“Then what’s your full name?”
“Gwenth Victory Owlszecki. My dad’s Scottish.” Zach nods while looking at his hands.

“Right.” He puts his headphones in, but you can still see him murmuring to himself. I never realized how much I miss the three of them. Especially all the stupid times we had during high school. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what would happen if we never had Belle.

Would Andy and I still be together? Would he have went back to chasing Anna? Would my band be more popular than it already is? Would me and my mother still be in contact with each other?

It’s thoughts like these that make me feel like a bad mother. When you have a child you’re not supposed to think about what would happen without the child, but yet, I just can’t help but wonder. I’m twenty-three years old, I should be ‘living life to the fullest’. But here I am, teaching her how to potty train.

But, I still love her to death.

Notes