iBelieve

It kills me to have to leave her. It just brings me to tears when I see the look on her face when someone says “Mommy has to leave for work.” Of course she’s too young to understand, but she’s no idiot. She can read facial expressions like there’s no tomorrow. And the look on everyone’s faces when the news is brought upon lets her know I’ll be gone for a couple months.

The longest I’ve been separated from her is five months. I know I have to go because they need me, but she needs me too. But I just can’t let the world down.

I knew I wanted to make people happy since I was sixteen. I’ve loved and protected her since the day she was born four years ago, weeks after my nineteenth birthday. I’ve protected her from the bad in the world and try to show her nothing but the good. I’ve shied her away from any and all negativity. I love her to death.

But, this tour is different. It’s a headline tour and it’ll bring in more income.There is some people I’m fond of on the tour and of course people I’m not. No one in the tour life knows she exists, except for the father, his band, and my band. I keep her away from the fans and paparazzi. I don’t her to be one of those babies that grown accustomed to the attention. No regard against Copeland or Willow, I just can’t see Belle being one of those kids.

“Is he on the tour?” My best friend or as Belle knows, her Godmother, asks. I nod my head, knowing she’s referring to the father.

“It would be nice if you could fly her out one of the days were here in America for him to see her.” Camy nods her head. Belle’s dad and I aren’t those ‘father who bails out, single mother’ parents. He helps pay for stuff and regularly sees her when he’s home. It’s just, we’re both so busy, and it’s just not possible for us to continue to date. This is why I’m more protective about dating because I don’t want just anybody coming to see Belle. He has to understand and most of all, he has to reach my standards.

We were young and we were stupid and we made a mistake. But just because Belle wasn’t planned doesn’t mean neither of us don’t love her. We adore her to death. We try to plan birthday parties together and have family nights every once in a while. It’s just both of us are in bands and it’s kinda hard to go unnoticed. Especially with a child.

“Gwen, we have to go if you want to make your flight. They’ll both meet us at the airport?” I nod and tug my suitcase as Camy picks up Belle. We head out the small house and step into the chilly Warren air. As she’s being strapped in, I look into her glistening blue eyes whom she inherited from her dad. I smile and pet her hair before putting in my suitcase and closing the door of the Volvo. Pulling down the shirt of my attire, I climb into the driver’s seat and drive to the airport.

“Has your mom or dad tried to contact you?” I shake my head.

“My dad has, my mom…..” I trail off. My mom basically disowned me at eighteen when she found out about my pregnancy. My parents were separated, so when I was disowned I went to live with Camy. My dad stays in Los Angeles. He still keeps in contact with me and sometimes flies out to see Belle for a couple days. My mom has refused to see me and wants nothing to do with Belle. It hurts that I’m not close with my mom anymore, but she made the decision, not me.

The airport came in view and I’m now dreading even agreeing to do the tour. I sigh and put the car in park, handing the keys to Camy in the process. I get out and open the back door to retrieve Belle while Camy grabs my bag. I take out my phone and unlock the screen of the ratty iPhone.

We’re at the entrance. I have Belle.
We began walking inside when he texts back.
I see you ;)
I slid the phone into the back pocket of my ripped skinnies. As he said, there he was, smiling at me with his brother and one other member of his band. The rest of his band and mine, we’re already at Huntington Beach in California where we would meet the last band and our tour buses. Belle starts to giggle in my arms and reaches out for her father. He smiles and comes over and takes her out of my arms. He coos at her and plants kisses all over her cheeks. He motions for me to come over.

It’s rare that we both tour together and now that we are, we’re going to document it for her to watch when she’s older. She can talk, but for some reason, she just doesn’t choose too. It pains him to see it that way, it pains me too, but, it’s nothing we can do about it. He’s hoping she’ll be a drummer just like daddy, but honestly, I hope she becomes anything besides being in a band.

He hands her to me and we hug her one last time and kiss her before Camy takes her to put her down for a nap. He turns to me as soon as Camy is out of sight and wraps me in a hug. His shirt catches my tears as my hair catches his. He’s never been much of a crier, but when he has to leave Belle, he’ll cry like there’s no tomorrow.

“It’s going to be okay Gwen.” He says as he rocks the two of us back and forth.

“I know Andy, I know.” I sniff and pull away from the embrace. He comes back and gives me a hug and plants a kiss on my forehead.

“Come on.” He wipes away a few stray tears before pulling my hand into his. Devin and Zachary smile from behind us. We board the plane that’s taking me away from my daughter, my home, my friend, my happiness, to be in a place where others are now depending on me to make thousands of people happy. How can I do that when I can barely make myself happy?

Notes