In The Back Of A Cop Car

Ronnie:

The sun’s bright rays bled through the cracks of my blinds sending me a good morning. I groaned pulling the pillow over my head, I really did not feel like waking up, not just yet. But I have to go to work in a couple hours. Not to mention I have to wake the twins and Taylor up and waking that child up is a job in itself.

I sat up stretching my arms before resting my head against the edge of the sofa. Yes, I sleep on the couch. We only have two bedrooms and the twins and my pumpkin head need it far more than I do. After a couple minutes of stretching my aching limbs I finally got the strength to pick myself up. I look at my phone to see that I had a message, one text message from Tim, leader of the Daredevils.

“We clipping the CVS on Harrington Street @ 12 and doing a deal at 3. You in?”

I sigh looking around the front room. How I managed to find Tim after being in San Diego for only a month in a half amazes me. I really don’t need to get in anymore trouble. I definitely don’t need to start dealing again. I came here for a reason, a fresh clean slate. I type a quick reply saying no and pick myself off the couch.

I paddle through the quiet halls my mind was fuzzy with the dream from the previous night, I can’t remember exactly what the dream was about. But I know it has something to do with Jennifer. A shiver rippled through my body, anything with Jennifer is more like a nightmare. Jennifer was my mother and she wasn’t exactly the best woman to live with. Especially when she was drunk, but it doesn’t matter now. She disappeared a while ago.

I turned and made my way around the corner and to the twin’s room. I opened the door to see them still asleep. I sigh sadly; I really hate to wake them up. They look extremely peaceful. But, I need to get them off to school.

“Lilly! Ryan! Time for school!”

They groan and protest but abide. I always loved that about them. They never argued with me, granted we bicker from time to time but what siblings don’t. They understand the predicament I’m in and they respect me for that.

I run to the kitchen and put on my cup of coffee before heading to Taylor’s room. I gently push open the door to find her sleeping peacefully. I close her bedroom door and rest against it. Gosh, I hate to wake her up but I know I have too.

“Taylor sweetheart!” I shake her lightly. She groans turning away from me. I chuckle “Taylor it’s time to wake up.”

“No!”

I shake my head “Yes! Now come on pumpkin.” I pick the child up and position her on my hip before making my way out of her room. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“Pwancake.” She states tiredly

I smile sitting her down on the bar stool “Pancakes it is.” I make my way to the kitchen. I pull out my iPod and put on my Black Sabbath playlist, of course. I go to the refrigerator pulling out the necessary ingredients. I crack the eggs into the batter and hum along.

“Morning Ronnie!” Ryan greets me. He smiles at Taylor ruffling her hair a little “Morning munchkin.”

Taylor scrunches her face at him and I chuckle “Morning lil bro.”

“Do you have to work today?” He questions

“Yep, suppose to go in at ten.”

“What are you going to do about school?” Lilly asked making her presence known. She was carrying Mikayla, our six month old sister. “Oh and we need more pampers.

I groan in frustration “I feel like I just bought …….I’ll pick some up after I drop yall off.” I scoop the cooked food into a plate before dispensing it out between us. “And ass for school.” I hunch my shoulders “I’m leaving school at nine and skipping the rest of the day.” They nod in understanding. I smile at them. “Well I’m going to get myself and the munchkin dressed and then we’ll be on our way.” I picked up Taylor swinging her around in a circle “Come on now! Let’s go get ready!”

She giggled “You making me dizzy.”

“Good!” I chuckled kicking her door in and crossing the threshold. I placed her down on the ground. “Now pick out your outfit. I’ll meet you at the front door.”

“I know Ronnie.”

I shuffled to my room rumbling through my closet to find some clothes to wear. I finally settled on black skinnies, a black v-neck shirt, black Nike high-tops and a black snapback. What can I say, I really love the color black. Once I’m dressed I make my way to the front room where my siblings are waiting for me.

“Ready?” I open the door looking back at them

Lilly smiles, she has the prettiest smile “Totally!”

“Yep!” Ryan nods grabbing his back pack that lay against the wall “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“I’m superclafrantalisticboshi ready!” Taylor beamed

She twirled around and around, her dark tutu spread wide in a circle as she did so. Her big bushy curls went flying everywhere. She was absolutely adorable. She skipped to the car, crawling inside when I opened the door for her.

Ryan furrowed his eyebrows at the hyper little girl “You didn’t say that right. It’s definitely…..”

I nudged him “Shut up!” I turned to the child with a smile “Of course you are pumpkin!”

The car ride was pretty silent besides singing coming from Taylor and bickering here and there from the twins. I for one couldn’t recall what songs were sung or what was argued. I was to busy thinking about other thing, the biggest and by far scariest being the payments that were due this month.

The raggedy ass apartment that we live in rent is due today; the payment is five hundred and forty five dollars. The utility bill is due tomorrow and that bill will cost six hundred and seventy dollars. The water bill will be three hundred. In all the payments for this month will be one thousand five hundred and fifteen dollars the month. That doesn’t even factor in groceries.

I ran a hand through my hair, this is all too stressful for a sixteen year old boy to handle. I bring the car to a stop in front of the twin’s school, Clairemont Middle School.

“Bye Ronnie!” He placed a sloppy kiss on the little one’s forehead; Taylor cringed at the contact of his lips and pushed him away. Ryan let out a chuckle “Bye pipsqueak!”

“Yeah, see you later pumpkin head!” Lilly said with a smile. She closed the back door and walked to the driver’s side window. “Hey, don’t forget I have the parent softball meeting today at six thirty and you have to meet with your new parole officer at one.”

“What?” My eyes went wide in shock “What’s today?”

“May ninth!”

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I bring my fist down on the car horn causing it’s horrid tune to ripple through the parking lot. “How the fuck am I so stupid? How the fuck did I forget?”

I felt tears start to prick my eyes. I was definitely on the brink of a panic attack. This was all just too much. I’m working three jobs, raising three kids on my own and paying bills. All the weight was on my shoulders. I was overwhelmed and I was exhausted. This is entirely too much for a sixteen year old boy to handle.

“Ronnie…..Ronnie relax buddy.” She cooed. “It’s okay if you’re not there. I can handle the information on my own. So relax.”

“I CAN’T FUCK RELAX!” I snapped. She looked at me with sad eyes, she knew what I was going through. I rested my head on the steering wheel. “I have to pay the bills and I have to go to work and now….and I have to do this meeting, you need someone there to support you.”

“Hey! Look at me Ronnie!” I kept my head rested on the steering wheel. I didn’t have the energy to move it up. “Ronald Joseph Radke, look at me now.” Her tone of voice pushed me to finally bring my head up. Lilly’s eyes meet mine and they were full of concern. “Everything will be okay! Ronnie, we’ve been through so much together. All of us have been through so much together. We’ll get through this. We always have and we always will”

“I hope so.”

“I know so… ……see you later big bro.”

I watched her walk away, waiting until she crossed the threshold of the double doors before shifting the car to drive and pulling away. The car ride was oddly silent especially considering the fact that a five year old was in the rear. I looked in the review mirror at Taylor. She was looking down at her lap, twiddling her long rudely curls in her hand. She looked sad and I hated that.

“Tay….” I shifted my gazes checking the road before looking back to the mirror. “What’s wrong sweetie?”

Her eyes gazed up revealing glassed eyes “Notin….”

“You sure baby girl?” I question. “You seem pretty upset.”

“You always seem angry Ronnie.” She whimpered and my heart broke. I gazed to the mirror to see her bottom lip trembling. “You always seem so angry now…… ….I don’t like you being angry”

As I saw the tears slowly cascade down her face my heart shattered to bits. “I’m not angry Taylor I’m just…..” I paused trying to find the best word. How do you describe how you feel to a five year old? I sighed sadly. “Frustrated. I’m just very frustrated.”

“Is that why you are never home anymore…..” I didn’t look back at her but I could still feel her sad eyes boring holes in the back of my head. “And you never have time to play with me.”

I brought the car to a stop, hanging my head low. I couldn’t help the feeling of remorse that made its home in my bones and coursed through my veins. All she wanted was for me to be home more and to play with her, and I couldn’t even give her that much. I shouldn’t have the guilt complex for I’m never home because I’m working, and sometimes stealing, but it’s always for the benefit of my family.

I do whatever I have to do to provide for them, to protect them and to be there for them; even if it means not being in the house with them. Ryan and Lilly are old enough to understand the sacrifice I’m making for them. Taylor on the other hand is far too young to grasp such a concept.

I slipped out the front seat and opened the back door. Taylor was sitting quietly with tears still rolling down her face. I sat down on the street Indian style, arms spread out wide as a gesture for her to come in. She unbuckles her belt and collapses into my arms. “I’m sorry baby girl.” I whisper into her hair. “I know I’ve been very angry like lately, I just have a lot on my mind.” I kiss the top of her head sweetly “I promise that I’ll try to play with you more often okay.”

She nods “Okay!”

I give her a gentle squeeze before releasing her “I see you later little man.”

“Hey!” She whined giving me a pout “I’m not a man.”

I laughed “Nor or you a women, now get inside.”

She turns around and dashes towards the entrance of the school “BYE RONNIE!”

“Bye sweet heart! Have a nice day!”

I smile as she runs into her school. I return to the driver side of the car starting the ignition. I’m happy that Ryan, Lilly and Taylor are at school. School is a safe haven, at least for the kids it is. They get a nice a for sure breakfast and lunch which comes in handy especially when I don’t know if I can put food on the table myself. School is always has heat and air conditioning, our apartment on the other hand may or may not. It really depends on our financial situation. All in all, school is a place where I know the kids will be taken care of, it’s a lifesaver.

Sadly I had to skip school today. Not that I wanted too but I have way too much on my plate today to worry about it. Not like I care anyway, I would have been dropped out. But I promised my grandmother that I would graduate. I groan at the thought of meeting my new parole officer. Truly, I liked my old one back in Las Vegas, but I had to move from there. I was building up way to bad of an image.

There is a plus to living in San Diego. That plus is that my best friend Andy lives here. Now, instead of paying for a baby sitter, I can just drop Mikayla off at Andy’s . At first I was skeptical of doing this, I mean what kind of boy wants to look after a baby all day. I thought it would be a burden but he insisted that his sister didn't mind. It saves on money and God knows that I need to savor all the money I possibly can.

I pull up to Andy’s apartment and roll the car into park. I get out the car and make my way to the back were Mikayla resides. I open the back door and when she sees me a smile starts to form on her face and incoherent gurgles start to float out her mouth.

“At least she’s trying to talk.” I chuckle deeply. I sling her baby bag around my shoulders and head towards the house ringing the door bell twice. I yell “OPEN UP HOE!”

“STOP BANGING ON MY DOOR I’M COMING!” I hear from the other side and I couldn’t help but let out a laugh. The door swings open seconds later and a unamused looking Fawn is glaring at me. “Ronald Joseph Radke….” I cringe, that’s the second time my full name has been used today. “I have a few filthy words for you but I can’t say them right now because…..” Her frown turns into a smile as her gaze shifts to Mikayla. “The baby’s here. Aww look at you.” She scoops her out of my arms “You’re just the cutest little thing. Yes you are! Yes you are!”

“Fawn…..she’s a baby…..not a dog.”

She glares at me “I realize.”

“Well here’s her bag.”

I take it off of my shoulder and it’s only then that I realize how light the think actually is. But then again, there’s hardly anything in it. Obviously, there’s no diapers, we ran out. But I know that there’s a very limited supply of formula too.

“Is….” Fawn looks in the bag. “Is this everything?”

I twiddle my fingers “Ummm yeah.......for now it is. We ran out of diapers this morning and the rest of the formula we have is in the bag.” I sigh “So yeah……that’s everything.”

“Tough month?”

“Every month is a tough month for us Fawn.” She gives me a sad but understanding smile. I shrug it off. “Well, I got to get going. Thanks again for…..you know.”

“Don’t mention it Ronnie. You’re like family to me……scratch that you are family.” She gives me a hug which I gladly return “I’m always here for family.”

I smile lightly “Thanks, it’s good to know.”

I walk out the house and into the car. I drive away with a sick feeling in my gut. I can’t even provide the necessity needs for Mikayla. I can barely afford to put food on the table and I can barely afford to pay to keep a roof over my family’s head. Granted, it’s not exactly my job to do this, it’s supposed to be my mothers. But still, I’m the caregiver now. I’m the one taking care of them now.

How am I suppose to feel knowing I can’t provide for them? I felt like a loser when I found out that my sister and brother skip meals so that we can save food. I felt ashamed when I found out they steal food from the cafeteria at school so that they can have food at home to eat. I felt humiliated when I found out that they spend the night at friend’s house all the time so that they can get a free meal as much as possible. Knowing that I can’t give them what they need in life makes me feel like less of a man.

I wipe away the tears that had managed to cascade down my cheeks. I’m not a man. A real man wouldn’t let the bills run behind. A real man wouldn’t let his siblings suffer like this. A real man wouldn’t have to watch a baby go without diapers and formula. A real man would do whatever he has too in order to provide for is family, regardless of the consequences. I pick up my cell phone and dial nine digits and after two rings he picks up.

“Tim, I had a change of heart. I’m down…….for everything.”

I guess I’m skipping school, it doesn’t matter anyway. I guess I’ll have to call in for work, they won’t miss me much. I guess I’m missing my meeting with my new parole officer, not like he cares about me anyway. But what I’m not missing is this chance to rob CVS or this chance to do this drug deal. I’m not missing any more chances at being a man. But being a man may end you up in some bad places, and one place is especially bad for me.

In The Back Of A Cop Car

Notes

New story......I hope you guys like it. Vic will come in the next chapter or two.