Restoring Force
Chapter 4
Alan's POV
“Are you high?” Aaron asks me as he takes my face in his hands and stares straight into my eyes.
“No!” I accuse, shaking my head out of his grip.
“Alan.” He says, more quietly. “Please, just tell me the truth.”
“I’m not high Aaron, I swear.”
“He’s telling the truth.” Shayley agrees.
Aaron looks over at him and narrows his eyes in suspicion before turning back to me and sighing. I was shocked myself that Shayley had vouched for me since he usually just throws me under the bus.
“He should just about have come down by now.” Shayley winks at me before walking off into the bar with Tino and Phil.
I take that back about Shayley vouching for me.
“For fuck sake Alan, seriously?” Aaron groans.
“Look, it’s my birthday. Can we just go inside, get shit faced and talk about this tomorrow because I’m really not in the mood for a lecture right now.”
Aaron looks at me and bites his lip as if contemplating something before looking down at the ground and following the other guys into the bar.
I felt guilt wash over me. I feel guilty a lot at the moment. Aaron’s always been there for me through everything and he could have left at any time. Hell, I know I would’ve if someone treated me this poorly. He’s been a much better friend to me than I ever have to him and I want so badly to make it up to him and show him that I’ll be a better person and get better so that he can stop worrying about me but deep down, I know I’d be lying.
The bar was pretty busy, what with it being a Friday night and I was starting to feel extremely claustrophobic. Shayley had disappeared off somewhere; [s]most likely fucking someone in the restroom[/s], Aaron was talking with Amanda at the bar and Phil and Tino were laughing with a group of girls. I felt alone, more alone than usual. I wasn’t a big drinker and never have been. Whenever I’ve been invited to a party I’d have an add bottle of beer but I usually just stayed sober. I wasn’t good at holding my liquor either. I learnt that at one of the hundreds of graduation parties we all attended at the end of high school.
I looked down at my arms, noticing the numerous thick, white scars covering them. I hadn’t done that for years. It was really bad when Austin left but I found new ways of coping. I found drugs. This is the thing, everyone feels alone at some point and everyone has a way of dealing with it. Some people turn their loneliness and built up emotions into art: songs, drawings, poems, novels and then some people try to destroy the feelings by abusing ourselves, whether it’s with alcohol or pills. Unfortunately, I wasn’t a very creative person.
The music only seemed to get louder, the air only seemed to get warmer, the amount of people only seemed to increase and the walls only seemed to close in on me more. I decided that, since Shayley was nowhere to be seen, I would have to just do with a cigarette to calm my nerves. I pushed pass the masses of people and speed walked out of the bar, breathing in a breath of fresh air as soon as the wind hit my face. I sighed and sat down on the damp ground with my back against the brick wall of the bar. I stared out across the street. The lamp posts were extremely dim down here but the huge, illuminating sign on the front of the bar was enough to light up the entire street. I placed a cigarette between my lips and stared up at the sky. There were no stars. Only a few grey clouds, barely visible in contrast with the black sky, and the moon, which was full and bright tonight. I took a drag from the cigarette and exhaled it, watching the smoke rise up into the air. I felt my phone vibrate from my back pocket and pulled it out to notice a text from Shayley asking where I was. I rolled my eyes and put my phone away, not before noticing the time: 11:58pm. My birthday would be over in two minutes and as usual I’ve spent it wallowing in my own self-pity and intoxicating my lungs with poisonous chemicals. I looked down at the half finished cigarette in between my fingers for a long while before closing my eyes and stumping it out on the ground. I let out a sigh of relief and rested my head back on the wall. I’m 21 now. It’s time I stopped moping about and started getting my life in check. It was about time I tried to find happiness no matter how far away or how hard it would be to find. I brought my knees up to my chest and groaned. My happiness was impossible to find because I had no idea where it was. I can continue to think about happiness as a thing but I knew I was kidding myself. I knew I was thinking of happiness as a person and that person was Austin. That was the problem. I had no idea where he was, or what he was doing, or whether he’s still the same person I fell in love with. The hardest thing to get my head around was the fact that I would probably never find out the answers to these questions either.
I felt a tear rolling down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away with the back of my hand, shaking my head at how pathetic I was being. It’s been three years and I’m still crying over him. I decided to make my way back inside before I had a break down. So, I placed both hands on the ground, feeling gravel stick into my palms, and pushed myself up. I stood up and ran a hand through my messy hair and closed my eyes, took a deep breath and stepped forward. I felt myself crash into someone, causing them to grab onto the tops of my arms to keep me standing.
“Shit, sorry. I didn’t see you the-“ His voice trailed off.
That voice. That deep, croaky, almost tired sounding voice was one I had been trying to play over and over again in my head the past three years. It was the voice that soothed me, helped me to sleep and made everything seem OK. I told my brain to open my eyes so that my suspicions could be confirmed but it was as if my eyelids were glued together. I was afraid to see who it was. If it wasn’t him, I would be disappointed but if it was him… I don’t even know what I’d do.
“A-Alan.” He spoke quietly. “Is that you?”
My eyes shot open at the sound of my name and were met with those two mesmerizing, brown eyes. I noticed his hands were still clutching onto my arms, his grip becoming tighter as his eyes widened and his mouth hung open slightly in shock.
“Austin?” I asked, just as shocked as reality finally hit me.
It was really him.
“Are you high?” Aaron asks me as he takes my face in his hands and stares straight into my eyes.
“No!” I accuse, shaking my head out of his grip.
“Alan.” He says, more quietly. “Please, just tell me the truth.”
“I’m not high Aaron, I swear.”
“He’s telling the truth.” Shayley agrees.
Aaron looks over at him and narrows his eyes in suspicion before turning back to me and sighing. I was shocked myself that Shayley had vouched for me since he usually just throws me under the bus.
“He should just about have come down by now.” Shayley winks at me before walking off into the bar with Tino and Phil.
I take that back about Shayley vouching for me.
“For fuck sake Alan, seriously?” Aaron groans.
“Look, it’s my birthday. Can we just go inside, get shit faced and talk about this tomorrow because I’m really not in the mood for a lecture right now.”
Aaron looks at me and bites his lip as if contemplating something before looking down at the ground and following the other guys into the bar.
I felt guilt wash over me. I feel guilty a lot at the moment. Aaron’s always been there for me through everything and he could have left at any time. Hell, I know I would’ve if someone treated me this poorly. He’s been a much better friend to me than I ever have to him and I want so badly to make it up to him and show him that I’ll be a better person and get better so that he can stop worrying about me but deep down, I know I’d be lying.
The bar was pretty busy, what with it being a Friday night and I was starting to feel extremely claustrophobic. Shayley had disappeared off somewhere; [s]most likely fucking someone in the restroom[/s], Aaron was talking with Amanda at the bar and Phil and Tino were laughing with a group of girls. I felt alone, more alone than usual. I wasn’t a big drinker and never have been. Whenever I’ve been invited to a party I’d have an add bottle of beer but I usually just stayed sober. I wasn’t good at holding my liquor either. I learnt that at one of the hundreds of graduation parties we all attended at the end of high school.
I looked down at my arms, noticing the numerous thick, white scars covering them. I hadn’t done that for years. It was really bad when Austin left but I found new ways of coping. I found drugs. This is the thing, everyone feels alone at some point and everyone has a way of dealing with it. Some people turn their loneliness and built up emotions into art: songs, drawings, poems, novels and then some people try to destroy the feelings by abusing ourselves, whether it’s with alcohol or pills. Unfortunately, I wasn’t a very creative person.
The music only seemed to get louder, the air only seemed to get warmer, the amount of people only seemed to increase and the walls only seemed to close in on me more. I decided that, since Shayley was nowhere to be seen, I would have to just do with a cigarette to calm my nerves. I pushed pass the masses of people and speed walked out of the bar, breathing in a breath of fresh air as soon as the wind hit my face. I sighed and sat down on the damp ground with my back against the brick wall of the bar. I stared out across the street. The lamp posts were extremely dim down here but the huge, illuminating sign on the front of the bar was enough to light up the entire street. I placed a cigarette between my lips and stared up at the sky. There were no stars. Only a few grey clouds, barely visible in contrast with the black sky, and the moon, which was full and bright tonight. I took a drag from the cigarette and exhaled it, watching the smoke rise up into the air. I felt my phone vibrate from my back pocket and pulled it out to notice a text from Shayley asking where I was. I rolled my eyes and put my phone away, not before noticing the time: 11:58pm. My birthday would be over in two minutes and as usual I’ve spent it wallowing in my own self-pity and intoxicating my lungs with poisonous chemicals. I looked down at the half finished cigarette in between my fingers for a long while before closing my eyes and stumping it out on the ground. I let out a sigh of relief and rested my head back on the wall. I’m 21 now. It’s time I stopped moping about and started getting my life in check. It was about time I tried to find happiness no matter how far away or how hard it would be to find. I brought my knees up to my chest and groaned. My happiness was impossible to find because I had no idea where it was. I can continue to think about happiness as a thing but I knew I was kidding myself. I knew I was thinking of happiness as a person and that person was Austin. That was the problem. I had no idea where he was, or what he was doing, or whether he’s still the same person I fell in love with. The hardest thing to get my head around was the fact that I would probably never find out the answers to these questions either.
I felt a tear rolling down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away with the back of my hand, shaking my head at how pathetic I was being. It’s been three years and I’m still crying over him. I decided to make my way back inside before I had a break down. So, I placed both hands on the ground, feeling gravel stick into my palms, and pushed myself up. I stood up and ran a hand through my messy hair and closed my eyes, took a deep breath and stepped forward. I felt myself crash into someone, causing them to grab onto the tops of my arms to keep me standing.
“Shit, sorry. I didn’t see you the-“ His voice trailed off.
That voice. That deep, croaky, almost tired sounding voice was one I had been trying to play over and over again in my head the past three years. It was the voice that soothed me, helped me to sleep and made everything seem OK. I told my brain to open my eyes so that my suspicions could be confirmed but it was as if my eyelids were glued together. I was afraid to see who it was. If it wasn’t him, I would be disappointed but if it was him… I don’t even know what I’d do.
“A-Alan.” He spoke quietly. “Is that you?”
My eyes shot open at the sound of my name and were met with those two mesmerizing, brown eyes. I noticed his hands were still clutching onto my arms, his grip becoming tighter as his eyes widened and his mouth hung open slightly in shock.
“Austin?” I asked, just as shocked as reality finally hit me.
It was really him.
Notes
I am going on holiday on Thursday for 2 weeks for my dad's wedding so I won't be able to update in that time but I promise I will have chapter 5 up before I leave.
Hope you're all enjoying the re-write and I'm still incredibly grateful for all your feedback.
- Georgia x
Very good story! :-)
1/12/15