Salvation

Alan’s breath was heavy, releasing abnormally large opaque puffs of breath into the cool night air. His fingers were tangled in his hair, tugging lightly. His knees were curled tightly to his chest as he rocked back and forth ever so slightly, his eyes shut as tightly as he could manage.
No one wants you here, it hissed.
Ugly. Fat. Worthless. Disgusting.
Austin is repulsed by you. Just kill yourself. He’d better off. The band would be better off. They’d be happy.
Alan screamed into his forearm, the cry of agony coming out louder than he’d wanted. His breaths sped and became uneven swiftly, tears brimming in his eyes. I’m insane, he thought to himself, thankful to hear his own voice in his head speaking the truth instead ofthat one.
His entire body trembled with every emotion that held a negative connotation. He had no use anywhere. He was just a body taking up space. No substance. No worth. No use.
Unlovable.
Alan shoved the heels of his palms into his eyes until it hurt, his bare toes curling up as he continued rocking back and forth, keeping all his sobs pent up. He was a loud, ugly crier. He didn’t need anyone waking up for his nightly breakdowns.
Alan flicked his gaze over to the small tin box that he’d brought to the roof with him. He had a nightly routine. All of this was part of it.
He picked the box up gingerly. His hands trembled still, causing the metallic objects inside to clink against the edges softly. Tears slid down in a steady stream on his cheeks as he brushed his thumb over the lid. The box had been a gift from Austin. If it had not been for the tragic circumstances, the irony of what was inside the box almost made Alan smile. Almost.
Alan lifted the lid slowly, the sharp blades glinting from the lamp post light beside the bus. Just as he opened the box, he heard a noise from the other end of the bus. He let the box fall shut and he tucked it in his hoodie pocket, thankful(not for the first time) of how easy it was to hide the damn thing.
Alan slid his palms across his cheeks quickly to wipe away his tears, although anyway who saw him would know that he had been crying from his puffy red eyes and splotchy cheeks. He kept his eyes trained on the road below the bus, flinching at each footfall against the metal of the bus roof.
Alan knew who it was. Of course he knew who it fucking was. There was only one person who was aware of Alan’s routine visits to the bus roof, because that person had joined him countless times. The sweet memories made him cringe. He wanted that back.
Austin sat down beside Alan, a few inches away so they didn’t touch, and leaned back on his palms on the bus, his legs dangling off the side. He exhaled slowly.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, neither even looking in the other’s direction. These were awkward times that incited awkward interactions.
Austin broke the silence.
“I miss you, you know.”
Alan flinched. Liar. Don’t lie to me.
“I don’t know why you’ve been doing this, but fuck do I miss you. I need my bestfriend back, Alan,” Austin said softly, his voice shaky in a few places. He turned his head, looking to Alan with those big eyes that Alan had fallen so deeply for.
Tears brimmed in Alan’s eyes once more. As if they’d ever gone away. Alan stayed silent, unsure of how to respond to such an obvious lie. Austin just wanted Alan to try harder at concerts so he didn’t mess up so many times, Alan reasoned. This was not Austin reaching out to Alan. This was a warning. Essentially: get better or get out, but sugar coated.
Dear reader, a clinically insane mind distorts things oh so heavily. I know this is a struggle, bear with Alan.
“Say something,” Austin breathed desperately, his eyes trained on Alan. Austin sat up on his knees on the bus, facing Alan’s side now. He placed his hand on the younger’s shoulder and turned him gently, desperation contorting Austin’s features. His eyes had dark bags under them and were bloodshot and puffy, just like Alan’s. Austin looked as if he’d lost weight as well, but of course not as much as Alan. The boy had been throwing up every meal for 3 months whereas Austin was experiencing a slight disinterest in food lately.
Alan forced the weakest smile that had ever graced his lips, his eyes still filled with tears. “I’m not doing anything,” he whispered, his voice cracking.
It looked as if something broke in Austin at the words, whatever hope he had left at salvaging his previous relationship with Alan was crumbling. Alan’s heart felt as if it was pummeled by an eighteen wheeler. He was watching the love of his life break before him by his own hand. He had done this. He had ruined Austin.
I’m not worth it, Austin. Don’t be so sad. You’re better off. I’m doing this for you. Alan couldn’t bear saying the words that he’d made himself believe out loud. He doubted he could even speak right now if he tried, his throat was constricting and he was trembling like a terrified animal that was backed into a corner.
Austin’s hand fell from Alan’s shoulder as he inhaled seemingly for the first time, the breath long and deep as if he’d just breached the water after being held under for far too long.
“I.. I’m sorry I wasn’t.. I wasn’t enough for you, I mean.. I just wanted to help.. I know you have stuff going on, and I don’t.. I don’t know what.. I..” Austin’s voice shook violently. He clapped a hand to his mouth, nearly failing at swallowing a pained sob. “I don’t know what it is. Because you won’t tell me. But, I.. I’m here for you, I always have been. Even if it didn’t seem like it, I just.. I’m here. Whenever,” Austin finished, those beautiful eyes shiny with tears.
It took ever pained, weak and exhausted cell in Alan’s body not to collapse into Austin’s arms and tell the man everything going through his sick head. It took everything in him not to beg for help and beg for his love. But he didn’t. Alan resisted. And he was silent.
Austin did not love him. Austin would never love Alan. Austin Carlile was not the type of person to fall in love with an Alan Ashby. Nobody was the type of person to fall in love with an Alan Ashby. He was the scum of the earth, the worthless piece of shit that everyone complained about and despised.
Alan’s heart sped up as his malicious thoughts raced, his eyes widening as he looked away from Austin, his already shaky breath now grossly uneven. The steady flow of tears continued, now stronger, as he felt a panic attack overcome him.
Don’t do this now. Not in front of him. He already thinks you’re crazy, please please don’t, Alan hissed to himself in his mind. The voices that lurked in the recesses of his sick neural system cackled in response.
“Alan? Alan, look at me, what’s wrong?” Austin’s voice sounded like it was underwater.
Alan was tumbling deeper and deeper into the oblivion that he always teetered on the edge of. Panic attacks were the absolute worst feature of the plethora of his issues. They felt like he’d never get back, he completely zoned out, the only thing he was currently aware of was the erratic heaving of his chest and the pounding of his heart.
The last thing he remembered was falling on his back against the hard metallic surface of the bus, centimeters from falling off the edge.


Ten Months Before Alan Knew:
Alan laid on the bus roof, his arms folded behind his head and his legs dangling over the edge. The ginger gazed up at the twinkling Albuquerque sky. If he sat up slightly and looked off to the horizon he’d see mountain ranges that stretched seemingly infinitely. Alan loved it when they toured in places like this. No matter how deeply he fell in love with L.A. every time they returned, he could admire a beautiful landscape as much as the next guy.
Austin’s head popped up over the hatch to the roof, a goofy grin taking over that stupid, dumb, adorable face. Alan’s eyebrow arched as his gaze shifted to the man, side eyeing him before laughing.
“Fancy meeting you here, Carlile.”
“Come here often, Ashby?” Austin retorted.
They both laughed as Austin climbed fully onto the roof and laid down next to Alan, wrapping a lengthy arm around Alan’s lanky shoulders. Alan had always been skinny, but at this point at his life he was at an appropriate and healthy weight. He had battled bulimia and won, but it was unknown to Alan that the nightmare would return in the coming months. His sanity was inversely proportional to his feelings for Austin. Tragic.
Of course, all of Alan’s future mental issues could not be attributed to Austin. Alan had nightmarish childhood, one that was just one travesty after another. Abusive father whom murdered his mother, a history of self-harm and bulimia, one suicide attempt and countless hospital visits. He was not an ideal person by any definition.
But Alan managed. The band had resurrected his sense of humor and safety. He was slowly regaining his bearings by the help of the people he was closest to. Mainly Austin, of course.
“It’s so beautiful out here,” Alan sighed wistfully, letting his head rest on Austin’s shoulder.
“Gonna go homo for the landscape, Ashby?” Austin teased, smirking as he raised his eyebrows.
“Shut up, piss dick,” Alan laughed, shoving Austin’s side.
“Make me,” Austin whispered to Alan, screeching a laugh when Alan jumped on top of him, straddling his chest as he tickled Austin’s sides.
“Stop laughing, Carlile. What’s so funny?” Alan cracked up, his fingers dancing across Austin’s sides after he slipped his hands up the man’s tank. Austin’s cheeks flushed as he laughed, his giggles morphing into gasps for air as time passed. “Say uncle!” Alan ordered, throwing his head back as he laughed.
“U-..Unc- hahahaha! Uncle!” Austin exclaimed just as Alan’s fingers fell away, both of them trying to catch their breath as they laughed. Alan laid against Austin’s chest, grinning like a madman. They were both panting and out of context this scene would’ve held semblance to an after-sex cooldown. But what’s a best friendship without undertones of homoeroticism? Boring, that’s what.
“You should’ve never told me you were so ticklish,” Alan pointed out, smirking up to Austin as his heart rate and breathing slowly returned to normal. Austin rolled his eyes, grinning.
“Watch it, Ashby. I know a few things about a certain Ginger Princess that could make him pass out from lack of blood circulation because all of it would be in his cheeks,” Austin cracked up at his own joke, draping an arm over the man on his chest.
“Shut up,” Alan breathed, hiding his face in Austin’s shoulder. His cheeks were already bright with a rosy color, Austin didn’t even have to say anything.
Austin giggled softly and kissed the top of Alan’s head, folding his free arm behind his head and resting on it, gazing up at the sky. “You know, Alan, you’re my favorite person. Of all the persons. You’re my human, yeah?”
Alan’s heart fluttered at the notion and he didn’t understand why. A soft smile crept its way onto his lips.
“Yeah. I am,” Alan murmured, pride hiding in his tone.

Notes

I butchered the ending. sosorry. Also sorry this took so long, I'm trying to make updates as speedy as possible but you know. Too busy doing nothing to do something, yafeel?
Okay so yeah.