Wounds of Regret

"I'm sorry, we are just friends i swear" I looked through Austin's tweets, and it felt as if my heart head caved in through my chest.

I knew he was joking, but the realization had no effect on the crushing pain I was feeling. Austin had no clue how I felt for him.

I remembered how I felt this morning, wondering how someone's mood could shift so drastically in the time span of a mere day.

I'd woken up with a smile on my face for the first time I could remember, in months, maybe even years. I had just woken up from an amazing dream. I had told Austin I loved him, and long story short it turned out he'd loved me too. I guess I'd woken up on a high from that dream, and being the pathetic fool I was I thought it was a sign.

I don't believe in fate anymore. Fate is just the deceiving notion that compels people like me to fuck up their entire lives.

Still smiling and giddy from my dream, I walked into the kitchen of our bus, Austin was already up just as i'd expected. Before I could stop myself jumbled words fell out of my mouth in a sea of fragments. I couldn't even comprehend what I'd said as I looked up to see Austin frozen at the spot, staring at me with his mouth wide open.

Shit shit shit shit. It felt like someone had smacked my chest with a sledgehammer. I was slowly coming to my senses from my dream induced high and asking myself how I ever thought this could be a good idea. I was a fucking idiot. Even if Austin was gay, which he obviously wasn't in the slightest, he would never go for someone like me.

I slowly looked into Austin's eyes, preparing for the worst. He looked shocked and disgusted, but suddenly his face pulled into a smile. I sat there frozen as Austin began to laugh his ass off.

"Oh my god! Ha! good one man I actually thought you were being serious for a second do you know how fucked up that would of been!" Austin began to wipe tears from his eyes, I still stood there completely shocked.

Finally, something inside me snapped awake and I began to laugh along with Austin, hiding the fact that I really just wanted to drop dead. I told myself Austin not knowing was a good thing, but on the inside I wanted to do nothing but rip my skin to shreds.

That was when Austin started tweeting about us just being friends and "rip cashby", making it into a whole joke, when in reality I felt my walls crashing down, and if I didn't do anything soon I wouldn't be able to breathe.

Notes