Hazel's pov:

There is no drug, no person, no amount of money, no anything that could make me feel the way I do when I'm on stage... When I'm preforming in front of thousands of people that each came with their own baggage and their own story lugging behind them, just like I have.

There's not even anything that could give me the same feeling they do when they sing along, or cheer and smile up to me.

It's like for once, everything is perfect.

Even after my band runs off the stage, letting everything die down so they can get ready for the next band, I still have a smile of complete bliss on my face. And then everyone cheers and high fives us as we head into the back room, sweaty and happy.

I've never done cocaine, but this has to be what it feels like. Or at least the addictions are similar because now that I've preformed again, I don't want to stop. It's all I can think about.

And currently, as we all drag our exhausted bodies off our tour buses, all I'm thinking about is when I can preform again, already excited for tomorrow.

But on top of that I am seriously excited to get back to my hotel room and crash because I'm completely wiped out. It's been a long few days and the concert didn't actually end until very late. And on top of that, we all stayed after to hang around outside with the fans, then went back to the bus area to drink to the first successful concert of the tour.

Of course I didn't drink, but it's still possible to have just as much fun without alcohol.

"I'm so tired I might collapse," I groan as we walk up the stairs to the level our rooms on. Alan and Jordan swiped the elevator and Jason and I didn't feel like waiting, so we decided to take the stairs. But I almost wish we did because Austin and Tyler had the same idea and are now trailing behind us. We both pretended not to notice.

"Come 'ere then," Jason said as he stopped on the stairs, running up in front of me and bending down.

"I'm going to crush you," I giggle, not knowing how someone could piggy-back me up stairs. That's hard work, makes the calves burn and everything.

"Don't doubt my strength, hop on," he says, urging me forward. I groan playfully, but do what he says and climb onto his back, laughing when he bounces me in the hair before taking off up the stairs, purposefully making sharp turns so I'd let out squeals of laughter that echoed down the stairwell.

Finally we got to our floor and he carried me down the hall with a bounce in his step. "The room key is in my front pocket," he told me, not being able to get it. I grinned and held onto his neck as I did my best to reach over to grab it from his pocket, which was hard to do from my position, but eventually, I got it.

"Would you guys just stop the shit already," Austin hisses from behind us as Jason lets me slide down from his back. My eyebrows knit in angry confusion, turning to face Austin who was standing behind us with his arms crossed.

"Excuse me?"

"Stop with all the shit. I know you two didn't hook up, so you can stop," his voice is full of annoyance and agitated.

"...What?" I laugh in not only nervousness, but in agitation myself. Fuck. I did my best to play dumb, and it was pretty easy because I was mostly just shocked by what Austin said.

He took a large step towards us, almost seeming like it was supposed to threaten me when he looked straight down onto me, glaring. "I know you didn't have sex. I know you faked it. I know you have a boyfriend and that this has all been shit," he signaled around him with his long arms as his now dark brown eyes bore into mine.

"You have a boyfriend?" Jason piped up innocently from the side, but I ignored him, staring right back up at Austin.

"Go ahead, answer him," Austin said, trying to embarrass me more. "You've already embarrassed yourself enough, so answer him. Do you have a boyfriend, Hazel?" He said my name with venom and he's right. This is fucking embarrassing. Not only because it's Austin and I'm caught, but because it's in front of Jason and Tyler . "Did you tell him how you fake fucked this guy? Hm?!"

"I don't see how that's any of your business," I hiss back, jaw clenching.

"I think it very much is my business," he snaps back quickly and I watch as his face contorts into something that seems like regret for saying that. I see his expression soften momentarily and what I read into it has my heart thumping hard in my chest.

He thinks it's his business?

"Why?"

Austin doesn't answer and the silence around us gives me time to think. How did he find out? Who told him? Was it Jason? No, that doesn't make sense. But then who? Who else-

Alan.

My eyes hardened and I backed away from Austin, moving across the hall to immediately start banging on Alan's door with my fist. I could give less of a shit if he was asleep. "Alan Anthony Ashby you get your ass out here right now!" I yell to the door when Alan doesn't come fast enough. I pound a little more, not caring if I was waking up the whole floor, but then finally, Alan opens the door. His hair is shaggy and he's missing a shirt, but most of all his face looks pale with fear.

He knows he's in trouble.

"Leave him the fuck out of this!" Austin moves over to where we are, his angry demeanor back. "This isn't about him!"

"Then what's it about, Austin?!" I immediately snap back. "Why are you even here?! What was the point of starting this fight with me?!"

It takes Austin a minute to respond, not exactly sure what his answer should be. "Because you're trying to rub Jason in my face like....like-"

"Like what?" I do my best to get in his face this time. "All I was doing was having fun with my friend. God forbid I enjoy myself!" I throw my hands in the air, scowling. Austin doesn't respond and I'm glad I could get him to feel embarrassed somehow after he completely embarrassed me to no extent. It's quiet between us all for a moment, me being the first to break the heavy silence.

"Next time... just leave me alone," I speak to Austin, shaking my head as I start to walk away. I'm so over this shit.

"Haze, wait," Alan cuts in, stepping out of his room.

I now turn to look at him. "No," I don't let him speak. "How do I know I can talk to you without you going and telling Austin everything I say? Honestly, what the fuck, Al? I trusted you."

"I know. I fucked up, I know," he comes over to me, holding his hands out to try and get to me. But when I look at him, I feel hurt. Sure, it's really not that big of a deal, and I never expected him to just not talk to Austin, but I thought he'd respect me and my privacy. It was just like a blow to my gut that had already been sore from all of Austin's shots.

"I thought you respected me enough to let me handle this!" I exclaimed, looking at him with eyes that held old anger and new sadness.

"And a great job you've done handling this," Austin piped in with a harsh mumble, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. "All you've done is made an embarrassment of yourself."

I cracked.

"You know what, fine," I threw my hands up in the air in defeat, spinning around to face Alan and Austin, shocking everyone. "I'll stop handling it then! I'm done with this bullshit. I'm done!" I exclaim, not sure if I feel more angry or hurt. "So next time one of you want to talk to me, just don't. And you, listen here," I turn to face Austin, pointing in his face. "I don't care about you. I don't give a shit what you think about me. Nor do I give a shit about what you say to other people, but the next time you come up to me to carry on this fucked up shit, just know I'm done holding back! You wanted my bad side, and you got it!"

After I finished my rant that had my face red, I stormed away, following Jason into our room, slamming the door behind me. But then as soon as I get inside, I think of something that makes me turn around and swing open the door, catching the attention of everyone who is still out in the hall.

"And one more thing," I look directly at Austin. "Fuck you."

And finally, with that, I was done and went inside. Huffing angrily as I turned around.

Jason looked at me with an apologetic face, but I ignored it and grabbed something to change into before heading into the bathroom without another word.

I set my phone on the counter before stripping out of my outfit, sliding on the large cut off t-shirt I wear to sleep every night. And once it's on, I stand, looking into the mirror above the sink.

I look at my reflection and feel the need to yell at it for being so stupid.

But mostly I want to yell at Austin.

He's such a stupid fucking idiot! He thinks he can just embarrass me like that? Doesn't he have anything better to do? Why does he insist on ruining my moods? Why can't he get over himself, dammit!

I groan, but then when I rub my temples, I realize something, too.

Austin was right.

I'm the one making an embarrassment of myself. I'm just as much of a stupid fucking idiot as he is. And I'm a liar. I told him I didn't care about him, or what he said about me, but I do. I can't fucking deny that anymore. If I didn't care why would I be getting so pissed? Do I really hate him?

I'm pathetic!

And on top of that, I was a bitch to Alan. Alan! Of all people! All because of my bone deep anger at Austin.

As if my mind was read, my phone starts buzzing on the counter, lighting up with text messages.

Alan:

Hazel, I'm sorry:(

I know I fucked up, please don't be mad.

I'm standing outside your door right now and I swear if you don't open it up I'm going to knock it down. I don't want you to go to bed hating me.

I'll buy you all the ice cream in the world if I have to :)

I sigh and grab my phone, opening the door to the bathroom. When I exit, I notice Jason is already passed out on his bed.

I walk to the door and without another thought, I open it to be greeted by Alan who's face held a shocked look.

"I'm sorry," we both said at the same time, making us both start to chuckle even though I was still very angry at the situation. I open my mouth to talk, but he holds his hand up to stop me. "No, let me speak," he stands tall and I let him. "I shouldn't have told Austin that stuff, it wasn't mine to talk about. I'm sorry, I'm a dick. I deserve to get yelled at, so unleash it if you need to," he held his arms out and opened his chest like he was bracing for impact.

But instead of hitting him with my screams or fists, I simply attacked him with a hug, squeezing my arms tightly around his neck. I need my ginger kitty.

He jumped back, thinking he was going to get hurt, but then sighing when he realized it was all good. "I'm sorry for being a bitch," I mumbled into his shoulder while his arms wrapped around my back.

"It's okay, bitch," he teases and I laugh, pulling away from him.

His eyes immediately go down to the shirt I'm wearing, frowning at it. "You said you don't care about him, but you've been wearing that every night since he left," he pointed at the Slipknot shirt, making my chest clench. "Haze, tell me what's going on, really," he looks back up to me, his voice soft.

"I hate him," I state, straightening my posture, proud that I sound so believable.

"No you don't," he doesn't hesitate.

"Yes I do."

"Then take off his shirt. Throw it away," he challenges. I gulp, not able to meet his eyes as I don't respond. "Do it."

I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut. "Stop it."

"Stop lying to me."

I glance up at him, "I'm not lying."

"Why are you doing this, Hazel?" Alan questions, stepping closer.

"I hate him," I state. "I hate him. I hate him. I hate him! I'm not lying!"

"But you're not fully telling the truth."

"What do you want me to say?!" I question, exasperated. "That I still love him? That I'm fucking stupid because I love the guy I hate the most?! That I'm fucked because there's nothing I can do about it?! That when I'm near him I want to punch him in the face but at the same time I just want to fucking be with him again?! That all I can think about when I see his face is how he hurt me?! What do you want from me?!" I cry out at Alan, my head boggling. "What do you want from me?" I repeat, my voice weak this time.

Alan steps forward and pulls me into another hug, letting me bury my heavy head into his chest, trying to calm down. His embrace helps, he knows that, but he still answers my question.

"I want you to be happy."

Notes

idk idk I'm probably going to regret this chapter but idk it's silly

I just want to thank all of you guys for your comments and votes and what not! They seriously made my day completely today like I still smile thinking about them! You guys are the BEST! Honestly!

On another note I started going on my tumblr again (I abandoned it for a while haha) so I thought I'd tell you guys so you can message me or so I can follow some of you guys? Idk ahah :P here

<3