Like Loving A Lion (SEQUEL to I'm Not That Perfect)

Two more weeks. Fourteen days and then Austin would be home. It was all I could do to keep reassuring myself that he would be home soon.
The truth was that I was paranoid. Any minute not talking to him or texting him or FaceTiming him was spent worrying about any girl he might be with. I was terrified that he would repeat what he had done when I was with child.
I wanted to see him desperately so I decided to surprise him and fly to Texas.
"Pick up." I pleaded, dialing Alan before I booked a flight.
"Hello?" He asked, answering on the last ring.
"Alan!" I was so relieved to hear his voice. "Hey, are you with Austin?"
"Yeah, but he's asleep in his bunk and I'm in the back lounge. He can't hear if that's what you're asking. What's up?" He asked.
"I want to fly in." I said automatically.
"Do it! He misses you crazy, Ave."
"Can I tell you something that makes me sound like a horrible, awful person?" I asked, biting down on my lip.
"Of course."
"I'm just. . . I've been so afraid that while you all are gone he might do something like what he did the night I gave birth. Isn't that crazy?" I asked, laughing nervously.
"Of course it's not. I can't imagine what that felt like honestly. I would be worried sick if I was you. But please trust me; I'm his best friend, and he would never do that now. Not in a billion years." Alan said slowly. "And I know that this is a touchy subject-"
Then maybe you ought to leave it alone, I thought.
"-but I figure you'd probably want to know. He talks about a baby all the time. I think that's probably what he wants more than anything. I don't mean to upset you."
"It's fine. I know what he wants, and he knows what I want." I sighed.
"Alan?" Austin's sleepy voice called in the background.
"I'll see you soon." Alan whispered, ending our time together.
**
All I could think about for the duration of my flight was what Alan had told me. The one thing Austin wanted most was the one thing I could not give him. What kind of person did that make me?
It was late whenever I got to their bus, still in a daze. I put on a happy face because I didn't want Austin to know what was bothering me.
"Knock knock." I said softly, knocking on the door. I was glad Alan had stalled the driver for me; it was time for the bus to leave.
"Oh! I wonder who it is." Alan said robotically, letting me in.
"If this whole band thing doesn't work out, don't try acting." I grinned, coming in. Austin was sleeping. I didn't wake him. I simply crawled into his bunk beside him, trying to clear my head of the thoughts of a baby.

Notes