Time & Time Again

The first time I met Tony Perry, I was four months pregnant. I was sitting outside on my brother’s back porch, staring up at the moon, trying not to cry. That’s something I remember the most, the feeling of trying not to cry. I wasn’t sure how long I had been sitting out there, alone, before I heard the music coming from inside the house get louder as someone opened and slipped out the sliding glass door. I didn’t bother turning around, I was silently hoping that whoever it was wouldn’t notice me out here and just leave me be, but of course that didn’t happen.

My brother Fin was having a small get together, but since he was in a pretty famous band, those small get togethers never remained small for too long and the party was going hard when I finally couldn’t take it anymore and decided to escape the confines of my bedroom and venture down the stairs, pulling my hood up on my head, hoping to avoid anyone I knew, which unfortunately was everyone. Miraculously I managed to slip past the flurry of drunken people in the kitchen, grabbing a slice of cold pizza off the counter as I walked by and snuck outside, breathing a sigh of relief as the loud music became just a muffled fog in my ears.

I had sat down on the steps leading to the grass and laid back a bit, munching on my pizza as I slowly began rubbing my free hand across my slightly swollen belly. I could feel the baby fluttering around, so much like little butterflies floating in my tummy. I had only started to notice the baby moving a few days ago and it still gave my goose bumps, and not to mention nerves like you wouldn’t believe, knowing that there was this tiny human being growing inside of me. My human being. I tossed the remaining of my pizza in the grass, suddenly not hungry anymore and sat up, placing my elbows on my knees and resting my chin in my hands and closed my eyes.

It was around this time that the door opened and my eyes snapped open as my breathing stopped. I just really wanted to be alone.

I felt a presence behind me as I starting breathing again, realizing just how ridiculous I was being.

“Hey, you okay?” a gentle voice asked, a familiar voice that I couldn’t quite place.

I closed my eyes as I felt the person sit down on the steps next to me. I shifted my gaze, leaving my head in my hands and I couldn’t help the small smile that crept on my lips as I finally recognized who the voice belonged to. “I’m alright,” I said, though it came out more of a ragged breath and I couldn’t help but notice Tony’s eyebrows furrow as he looked at me, he looked worried and I was used to people looking at me like that, it seemed like that was the only way people ever looked at me anymore. “Really, I’m fine.” I whispered as I turned my head to look at him and he seemed to relax a bit, rubbing his hands along his legs as he leaned forward.

He smiled at me and then looked around. “So, what are you doing out here?” he asked as he looked out into the dark backyard.

“Just thinking.” I replied as I leaned back again, this time resting on one of my elbows as my other hand sat limp in my lap.

“About what?” he asked curiously, looking at me and smiling, noticing my position.

“Everything.” I said in barely a whisper as I turned to look up into the sky. I hadn’t even realized that I had started to rub my hand along my belly until I looked back at Tony and saw him staring down at it.

“Oh,” he said and quickly looked away when he realized he had been staring. “Right. Sorry.” He mumbled the last part and I couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle as he began to rub the back of his neck clearly looking uncomfortable.

He looked at me with a confused expression as I sat up again. “It’s alright Tony, you don’t have to apologize. Trust me; I’ve heard it way too many times for it to actually mean anything anymore.” I looked away again, suddenly feeling really emotional. God damn these stupid hormones, as if I didn’t already have enough reasons to be so emotional. He seemed to relax at my words but a new look of worry swept across his face as he seemed to understand what I had said and he gave me a sad smile.

“So why aren’t you in there, having fun?” I asked, desperately wanting to take the focus off of me.

He let out a huge sigh and leaned back on his elbows, similar to me, as he answered. “I’m not really in that much of a partying mood, if you know what I mean. I only came because I was already at Vic’s house when they were leaving and couldn’t come up with a good excuse to back out.” He looked over at me sheepishly. “No offense.” He muttered and I laughed. “So here I am.” His hands made a slapping sound as he lifted his hands up to motion to the space in front of him and come back down on his knees. He looked over at me again.

“Would it bother you too much if I just sat out here, with you?” he asked and he sounded a bit unsure of himself.

“Not at all.” I said and leaned my head back and closed my eyes and I heard him let out a breath, what I assumed to be one of his famous silent laughs.

It was strange; these past few weeks I had been craving nothing but the feeling of being alone, with my own thoughts, though I knew they were a dangerous place, yet I couldn’t help but enjoy the presence of Tony silently sitting next to me. This was not the first time we had talked, we had shared many conversations, although mostly silly meaningless ones, over twitter and instagram, and we had even talked on the phone a few times, or video chatted with each other when we happened to be in the same room as another person already in the middle of one. We never held a serious conversation, the one we just had probably being the only one, but yet every time I managed to talk with him I couldn’t help but feel a little but happier than I was feeling before.

I guess it was something Tony was always good at. He had this way of just making you smile and feel happy, without even trying, and I don’t even think he realized it himself when it happened. It was just who he was. That’s who Tony Perry is. Sitting there silently, I realized that this was the first time that Tony and I had actually seen each other, face to face, in real life, I guess you could say, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he realized this too when I suddenly gasped as a new feeling erupted in my stomach and my hand flew up to hold the area of where I realized my baby had kicked me. My baby had just kicked me. He was getting stronger.

“Are you okay?” Tony asked, panic in his voice and I looked over to see him staring at my hand on my belly, a look of panic on his face to match his voice and if I wasn’t in so much shock at the moment his face would have made me burst out in a fit of laughter.

“Y-yeah,” I said my voice shaking although I wasn’t sure if it was with excitement or fear.

“Is it the baby?” he asked, still panicked and his eyes met mine and he seemed to relax a little when he noticed my smile.

I nodded as I felt another kick, this time right where my hand was and I couldn’t help but grin.

“Yes, he’s moving, I can feel him kicking.” I laughed again and shook my head, amazed.

Tony eyes traveled from my face to my stomach to my face again and a small smile appeared on his lips. He sat up straight and his gaze came to a rest on my stomach. “Does that happen a lot?” he asked, intrigued, and his eyes came back up to mine, awaiting my answer.

“I’ve felt him moving around a bit for a few days now, it’s weird, it’s like the feeling of popcorn popping in your stomach, I don’t know, it’s hard to explain,” I said with a laugh. “But this is the first time I’ve felt him on the outside, this is the strongest I’ve ever felt him.” I beamed.

“That’s amazing.” He whispered and looked back down at my stomach.

I wasn’t sure what came over me in that instant but I just had to share this feeling with someone. I was beyond thinking straight as I scooted closer to Tony and reached over and grabbed his hand, placing it on my belly, sliding it around until it came to rest on the spot where only moments ago I had felt my baby kick my hand. Tony seemed surprised by my gesture but he didn’t back away and his smiled never faded as he kept looking at his hand, covered by my hand, and now resting comfortably on my stomach. His eyebrows furrowed and he started to pout.

“I don’t feel anything.” He muttered and I couldn’t help but smile as I noticed the disappointment in his voice.

“Just wait,” I whispered and moved his hand a little higher.

This time Tony was the one to gasp as my little baby kicked again, right where Tony’s hand was and he flinched, his hand lifting for the slightest second before a huge grin spread across his face and he brought his hand back down and he gave my belly a gentle squeeze as he sat there patiently, waiting for my baby to kick again. I couldn’t help but stare at Tony as his focus was purely on my stomach, and the tiny miracle taking place inside it. I felt another kick and this time Tony looked up at me and our eyes locked.

And it was weird because in that moment, with my eyes staring into Tony’s I couldn’t help but feel like I wasn’t alone. For the past four months I had felt nothing but alone and sad and abandoned but sitting here, on these porch steps under the moonlight with Tony Perry I felt something I hadn’t felt in the longest time. I felt happy. And it wasn’t the fake happy I painted on my face every morning since that one night, I was genuinely happy and I loved the feeling of it. I never wanted it to leave. This moment was perfect.

Well it was, until the glass door slammed open with a thud and a very drunk Mike Fuentes stumbled out onto the porch, my equally drunk brother not far behind.

“Tony! Man!” Mike slurred as he tripped on the deck chair and gripped the table to steady himself. “There you are! We’ve been looking for you everywhere.” I couldn’t help but chuckle as Mike’s words blended together and dragged out of his mouth.

Fin came up and gripped Mike’s shoulder, wobbling as he looked down on us. “Oh! Scottie! I thought you were in your room.” He said and then hiccupped which caused both him and Mike to laugh hysterically.

I heard Tony chuckle as we shared a look and he slowly slid his hand off my belly, standing up. He stood in front of me, reaching his hands down and smiled as I placed mine in his and he slowly pulled me up.

“Aww you two are so cute!” I heard Fin slur and I looked over to see him making a kissing face at Mike and Mike sniggered as he brought his beer to his mouth taking a long drink.

I rolled my eyes and started to head up the steps toward them and I tried to keep the smile off my face when I felt Tony’s hand touch the small of my back, helping me up the stairs.

“Yeah, yeah, you two are adorable as well, now get inside before the neighbors hear.” I laughed as Mike once again tripped over the deck chair and the two of them nearly crashed into the house.

When we got inside I noticed that the party had died down and mostly everyone had left. Damn, how long had I been outside? How long had me and Tony been outside? There were still a few people drinking quietly in the French room, which is where Mike and Fin stumbled off to and I noticed a passed out Vic sprawled across the couch in the den. Tony noticed to and let out a huff of air.

“Well, looks like we're crashing here tonight.” He said and slapped Vic’s foot, causing him to stir and mumble before he rolled over and snuggled deeper into the couch.

I laughed a little and turned to give Tony an apologetic smile. “Sorry, but hey, the guest bedroom is right down the hall, you’re more than welcome to use it.” I said, gesturing toward the hallway as I started to make my way toward the stairs. He nodded and flashed me a smile as I started to climb the steps.

“Hey, Scottie?” I heard Tony ask just as I reached the top and I turned to look down at him, staring up at me, a thoughtful look across his face.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Thank you.” He said simply and turned and headed down the hall.

I couldn’t help but stand at the top of the staircase for a few seconds more as I tried to think about what on earth he was thanking me for. I still hadn’t come up with a reasonable explanation as I made my way into my room, shrugging out of my hoodie and unhooking my bra, picking up a worn t-shirt off the floor and slipping it on over my head. Anyone probably would have guessed that it was for offering him the spare bedroom but I knew it was something more. The way he was staring at me, and the way he said made it seem like he was thanking me for a whole lot more. I shook my head and tried to clear the thought away as I pulled the covers off my bed. I was just about to climb into bed when there was a soft knock at my door.
Curious, I trudged over and pulled it open, only to find a sheepish looking Tony, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Hi.” I said smiled, confused.

“Hi.” He muttered and grinned before looking down at his feet. “I, uh, Jaime seems to have claimed the guest bedroom already.” He looked back up and me, though he stopped when he noticed my shirt. He smiled again. “Nice shirt.”

I looked down and realized it was one of Fin’s old Love Before Glory shirts, the one with the tattooed turtle and I Iaughed, of course it would be that shirt.

I shook my head and stepped aside looking up at Tony. “Alright,” I sighed. “I guess I will share, but just a warning, I can be a bit of a kicker.”

Tony laughed silently and bounced into my room, kicking off his shoes before he jumped and twisted his body, landing on my bed with his hands folded behind his head, crossing his legs as he made himself comfy. I giggled at his playfulness as I shut the door again, heading for the opposite side of the bed. I went to grab my phone out of my hoodie pocket and plugged it into my charger on the nightstand and was about to get in bed when Tony yawned.

“Can I use you bathroom?” he asked after and I rolled my eyes and motioned for him to get up.

“You know where it is.” I laughed and he got up again, making his way toward my en suite bathroom, shutting the door.

I yawned and finally made my way onto my bed and pulled the covers up, snuggling into them. Tony came out a few minutes later and he walked over the light switch flicking it off and I heard him come closer to the bed. My eyes were just beginning to adjust when I heard the unmistakable sound of a belt buckle being unhooked and I heard Tony shuffle out of his jeans. I knew deep down, a part of me should have been panicked or at least start to feel uncomfortable at the thought of a man taking his pants off and getting in my bed but I didn’t. I mean, it was Tony, and even if I wasn’t pregnant I knew that he wouldn’t have tried to do anything with me. This may have been the first time we had met in the physical sense of the word but I knew Tony.

There was absolutely nothing sexual in the way he pulled the blankets aside and climbed into bed with me, or when his leg brushed up against mine and he slid a little too close to me. I didn’t mind it though. Like I said, it was Tony, and he made me feel things that I hadn’t felt in a long time, and it was nice. I guess that was what made me turn over and snuggle into his side. My hand came up to rest on his chest and for the slightest moment I felt him tense under my touch, not expecting the closeness I offered before he relaxed and placed his arm behind my back pushing me closer to him.

“Goodnight Tony,” I whispered as I felt his hot breath on my skin as he leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my forehead.

“Goodnight Scottie,” he whispered, and I felt his other hand slide across my arm and come to rest on the top of my stomach. “And goodnight to you too little…” he paused and my eyelids fluttered as I waited for him to finish. “Turtle.” He said, so quietly I almost missed it and I couldn’t help but smile as I drifted into a dreamless sleep, the last thing I remember was feeling Tony’s hand make small circles on my tummy.

And for the first time, in almost four months, I didn’t have a nightmare.

Notes

*yes, this is mostly a Tony Perry fanfic but there will be other band members involved (esp. Austin and Of Mice & Men) so I thought i would post it on here as well*