When You Fall Asleep Tonight (Sequel To My Understandings)
|Warped Tour ’13 July 28th, Charlotte NC|
I walked towards the Tily’s Stage to meet Devin and Zach. I was in a fairly good mood because at the last minute, Craig Owens decided to drop today’s set list as a soloist and they needed a new act, so I told them I’ve been working on some new material and that I’d be glad to perform as a soloist. I would have my band as the ‘live band’ and I would do all keyboards.
Even though it’s for one day, it still excites me.
Apparently, Austin ended things with Crissy and is now dating some girl named Emily. He made their relationship public so now, fans come up to me asking about Matthew and even bring cute little toys for him.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t my favorite vocalist.” I turned around and smiled.
“Matt! Oli!” I ran to them and pulled them in a hug, crushing them with my weight (by crushing I mean barely there). Oli had more tattoos than I last saw him, but he still had that toothy grin. And Nicholls was just as adorable as ever. His hair was shorter.
“We thought you dropped out of Warped.” I shook my head.
“Psh. And miss an awesome year? No, we’re just playing from July to early August.” Oli nodded, but I could tell he could care less. All he wanted was my bass player. “She’s on the bus Oli.” He smiled at me before taking off running towards our purple tour bus. That left me and Matt.
I continued walking with him by my side.
“Sorry eh, about what happened with Carlile.” He said. I shrugged my shoulders.
“It doesn’t matter.” But it matters a lot. He hurt me so much. It’s been two months and I still can’t get over it. And the fact that he has a girlfriend pisses me off even more.
“But, your kid…” he trailed off.’
“Yeah. I know.” I stopped short when I saw the two of them. “Matt, I’ll talk to you later, kay?” he nodded and hugged me one last time. I walked towards Devin and Zach.
“Hey Ellie,” I hugged Devin and Zach, noticing the third person behind them.
“You never came to Michigan.” Zach pouted.
“Sorry, I was too busy giving birth.” I said with a laugh. It was hot in Charlotte and the gates haven’t even opened yet. It made me feel horrible when I realize I’m 3,000 miles away from my son, having fun, while he’s there with his whorey daddy and his girlfriend.
“Ellie, this is our guitarist Jimmy.” I waved. Jimmy has blonde hair – the only blonde head next to Andy out of a band full of brunettes – and he seemed to stay more behind Devin.
“So, will you fill in Cassadee’s vocals for Electric Forest this summer?” Devin asked while taking a water bottle from Zach’s hands and drinking out of it.
“Sure.” Devin brought me in for a hug and slapped me on the back before walking off with Jimmy.
“Want to get some frozen yogurt?” Zach asked.
“So how does it feel, having a child?” he asks as soon as we get our order.
“Feels no different than watching David 24/7.” I missed my brother. I haven’t seen or heard from him in almost three months. I know he’s focusing on the new album, but geez, I’m alive too.
“Come on, smile. You look so sad.” I snort and put a spoonful of yogurt in my mouth.
“It’s because I am Zach.” He rolls his eyes as if that wasn’t obvious enough. “I mean, Austin is one thing, but I have an ex-boyfriend who’s on Warped. You can only forgive so much before you give up because there's no trust.” He nodded, filling his mouth with the frozen ice-cream.
“At least you tried and that's just fine.” He said after he swallowed. “But,” he pointed his spoon at me “-how the hell do you survive as a heart divided between the very hands that made you whole?” He stared at me. “Until death, used to mean something more than a proverb framed on the walls of a broken home. I should know. It happened to my parents.”
I didn’t say anything because everything Zach said was true; and right.
How do I survive? Austin was the one person to make me feel whole and now he has me divided, splitting my love for him and Matthew. And I don’t want to choose. Because the answer is obvious.
My love goes to Matthew now.
I only love Austin as Matthew’s father.
I am the one who suffers from his bullshit. My world divided, by the hands that made me whole.
But what if I was wrong, and jumped to conclusions because the chance of losing him was all too real? So I just assume that he’s doing things before he gets the chance, so I can leave and feel like I've got the upper hand.
Maybe I'm just scared to go all in because I never was much for the life of gambling but I can't win if I don't play.
And if I don't play there's no shame in us.
“This thing with your mother and I is flying south if you know what I mean. But I'm trying my best to keep her right here in my city.” I say to my son who is busying himself with the TV that’s showing some stupid reality show. I see Jamie, Cameron Liddell’s ex-girlfriend. This is the Real World Explosion.
“A wise man said,” By wise I mean Shayley. “ ‘I wish people weren't afraid of love’. Then your mom packed her stuff and she ran like a coward when the thunder rumbled.”
Things aren't always picture perfect between us. Not even when we first started dating. But picture us on top cause we're worth it. We were.
I used to chase after her. I did. I did for two years and I tried at the hospital, but now I feel like what’s the point when she won’t even listen to me. yeah, I fucked up, majorly, but come on, she’s done it before. And why does it matter? We’re not dating anymore. She obviously doesn’t want to be with me when she turned down the engagement.
I don’t care anymore. I really don’t. she can grab her keys and leave.
Or go and get her ticket, and grab her coat.
I used to live for the chase but now I know better.
What if I become a silhouette of this very same thing?
Then everything she taught me seems to start fading.
Well, bombshell. Ellie just confessed she doesn't love Austin anymore.......or does she.
And what' sup with Austin? Did he just really give up hope on her?
There's a sequel! Don't worry!!!