When You Fall Asleep Tonight (Sequel To My Understandings)
It’s Not A Problem Unless You Make It One
It was like looking into a mirror. At two months, his eyes twinkled with icy blue. The freckles were prominent on his face and his chocolate hair was still a little shrub on his head.
And he is mine.
At least the one thing I got out of this baby being mine is that some what skin.
“Are you getting ready to drop Matthew with Austin?” I shrugged my shoulders. I leaned further down on the couch, playing with Matthew’s fists.
“I should. I just don’t have the energy. I’m not ready to give him up to him. Mom, you should’ve heard that voicemail.” I whisper. “It’s like the thought of having a son didn’t even go through his mind. I’m starting to pity Gielle because she was married to him.” I reach over to grab the bottle from the coffee table and sit up, letting Matt latch onto the bottle.
I would breast feed him, but my boobs are too small for that shit. I just pump it and pour it into the bottle. I don’t need him being a big nipple person that his dad is.
“Sweetie, July is coming and coming quick. You and Austin need to start cooperating if you want to go to Warped and want this child to have a father figure. Grandpa Bruhn’s wasn’t always in the picture when he and my mom divorce.” She leaned against the doorway of the kitchen. I didn’t even know grandpa Bruhn that well, considering he died when I was like, five.
“So, please don’t put Matthew through the torture of not having a father. Someone he can play sports with. Teach him screams. Go to games. Hang out with the guys. Have a beer or just spend quality father and son time. I would love to had have a father in my life.”
I let the words my mother say transfer into my brain. That’s completely different than being blacked out for todays after giving birth and being proposed to only for the father to go and have sex with an ex-girlfriend that is fucking big boobed, playboy bimbo Crissy.
“But mom,” I groaned. “It was Crissy.” Matthew spits up a little as soon as her name left my mouth. “See! Even Matthew knows she’s no good.” I grab the binky from under my weight to wipe his mouth before burping him a little.
“Would it have been any different if it was Gielle?” she asked, coming to sit on the couch opposite of me.
“Gielle’s married.” I snort.
“So is Crissy.” My mom crosses her arms.
“Gielle has a kid.”
“So does Crissy.”
“But Crissy is a whore!” I whine out.
“So was Gielle, so were you.” Her words didn’t hurt me like they should only because I knew I was a whore. I cheated on Vic and then in return, I was cheated on by Andy. Then I hooked up with Ben? Yes, 2012 was the highlight of Warped Whores. “The one thing you all have in common, you were all involved with Austin.”
“Then ended up having kids.” I muttered. “Only difference is that two of them are married.”
“But imagine sweetie, if you did say yes to Austin. And the same thing that happened with your appendix did happen, Austin still would’ve got with Crissy. It would’ve been worse because you would’ve been, say it with me.” She looks at me.
“Engaged?” I say at the same time she does. Only, she says it with more confidence. I stop burping Matt to let her words sink in. My mom knows this, all from experience. And she’s right.
“But mom, it hurts. Austin didn’t hurt me once, not twice, but three fucking times.”
“I know, I’m still holding up to my end of the deal I made with him when you were in the hospital.” She says with a smirk on her face. “Now put some clothes on.” She walks over and takes Matt out of my arms. I find myself frowning. Without Matthew occupying my arms, the urge to pick up a blade and run it across my already scarred wrists – even though they’re tattooed – occurs.
“Why?!” I whine, slumping my body further down the couch until it hits the floor.
“Stop acting like a baby. You’re going to Austin’s.”
I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I chant to myself over and over as Shayley cuts the engine.
“Chill out girl. There’s no reason to have an anxiety attack before you even get out the car.” He says.
“There is when there’s another car parked next to us.” I say, jabbing my thumb to what I believe (and hope) is someone else’s but Crissy’s car.
“Who cares? You have a kid with you. And as much as I hate Austin, again, this is his kid as well.”
“I know, I know. Geez. You sound like my mom.” I knew it was harsh of me, considering his girlfriend just dumped him a couple days ago, but I had no time for reasoning, it was do and go.
I get out the car, slamming the door behind me and walk to the back seat, taking Matthew, along with the car seat, out and his bag.
Walking on Austin’s yard makes me feel like a trespasser. Each footstep just feels wrong. By the time my feet carry me to his door, I was close to having an anxiety attack. But the door barges open and out comes a blonde woman in tears. She bumps into me and looks up, getting ready to snap when she looks at me.
“Ellie,” she breathes.
“Gielle?” she laughs and throws her arms around me. I don’t hug her back, only because she was the reason Austin and I broke up the first time.
“Don’t go in there.” She gives me a hoarse laugh. “Aw, he’s so cute.” She bends down to look at Matthew. By now, I heard another car door close. Shayley.
“Wait, why don’t I want to go in there?” I set Matthew down so I could get a better look at Gielle.
She was pretty. She doesn’t look whorey at all.
“I saw the video of Austin proposing to you. I drove out here to apologize for years earlier when Austin had broken up with you. I had no idea he was still dating you when we were dating.” What?“And to apologize to Austin for cheating on him. So I heard a female’s voice and figured you must be here, so I can apologize to both of you.” She takes a moment to fan herself with her hand as tears were starting to fall. “Anyway, I knocked on the door,”
I knocked on the door. Finally, this is it. This is my year. I can finally apologize to both of them and get the guilt off my chest. I don’t care that Austin should be apologizing to me too for hooking up with that fan when were were dating, or for not telling me about Ellie, but I was ready to admit to my end of the stick and man up.
I heard a giggle and sighed. Why isn’t he answering the door? Does he know it’s me and won’t answer?
“Austin!” I banged on the door. “I just wanna talk about-” I heard a really loud moan. My face turned up in disgust. Are they really having sex, around a newborn? “Austin!” I tried the doorknob and it came open. I stepped in and walked to his bedroom and saw it empty. “The fuck?” I muttered to myself. I then began proceeding downstairs when I saw the light on in the bathroom. I stopped in front of it.
There’s two options. He’s taking a shit/ piss or he’s having sex with Ellie in the bathroom.
I opened the door.
I was close.
He was having anal…..with Crissy.
“Oh my God,” I whisper to myself. What about his proposal? His kid? Where the hell is Ellie?
“Austin, no.” I whispered. At that moment, he turns around. He says nothing. I say nothing. T
Tears brimmed my eyes because I have never felt so bad for anyone in my life.
Ellie doesn’t deserve this.
Their son doesn’t deserve this.
I’m so telling.
Sorry for my MIA, but my mom grounded me for skipping class. I found some unsecure wifi, so I decided to hurry up and update.
Now, the drama unfolds!