You wouldn't have to wake or learn from my mistakes

As soon as Shayley opened his eyes for the first time that day, he regretted it. Regretted the way the sun shone brightly through the blinds, the way the room illuminated itself, he hated the sight. The sight of memories, or in this case, of the pictures that reminded him of what had happened; so much had happened. Anxiousness overwhelmed him, as he lifted his head ever so slightly, catching a glimpse of the still figure next to him. The sun was good for nothing, and the way its rays shone down on his companion churned his stomach, he reveled in the sight. Part of him begging to reach out, to touch the colorful art littered skin, to trace the muscles that protruded out so proudly, to lean over and capture the lips that were supposed to be his; but that would only complicate things further.

Cause I love you, yes I love you

Shayley bit his lip, watching contently as the mans chest rose and fell in a pattern to only be described as sleep, he forced himself to look away, trying to get his mind off everything, to get his mind off him…off Austin. That was proving to be more of a challenge then he had expected, it was hard to force the feelings away when all he could see was pictures. Pictures he should cherish, ones where he smiled as if he was truly happy, but he was far from it.

Won't you tell me it'll be alright

“Shayko…” Austin’s word rolled thick off his tongue, as he stretched out desperately for the man to his left, who didn’t even turn his head to acknowledge him. Without a word, Shayley rose from his spot in a rush, flinging the picture frames across the room, screaming out words that he couldn’t even make out himself.

Close your eyes and magnify

Austin scampered to his side, trying his best to contain the smaller man, who lashed out harshly, kicking and flailing in anyway he could. Eventually Shayley stopped moving, just staring a hole into the floor as Austin wrapped him in his arms tightly.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” the taller man all but begged, holding his boyfriend so tightly he feared he would snap, silence was the only response. The blue eyed boy eventually pushed out of Austin’s grasp, hastily opening the small closet, and pulling out a large duffel bag, a full duffel bag. Austin gasped, before choking on a small sob,

Exhuming you for exhuming me

“Don’t tell me…” the larger man pleaded for some sort of answer, Shayley remained silent, even as the tears tried to pry their way out of his eyes, he adamantly held them back.

“No, Shay please! What did I do? Please, just tell me!” The noise of footsteps amplified as the floor boards squeaked under the weight, Austin reached out, touching the shorter mans shoulders, whispering, “Please.”

Baby it's not too late, caress your loving face

“I have to leave.” Shayley whispered, brushing Austin’s hand off and grabbing his bass case from the corner by the door,

“But Why? Shay you aren’t leaving, not until you talk to me!” Austin paraded over to his boyfriend, pushing him against the wall, making the smaller man drop his bags.

You're my shelter, forever

“I can’t stay here…” Shayley muttered, watching his lovers face fall to a confused frown, “This will be the death of me…Austin, can’t you see that?”

Austin shook his head, “Why, baby? Why can’t you stay?” he inched closer to Shayley, who abruptly pushed him, causing the larger man to tumble to the cold wood floor, Austin looked at him with disbelief written in his eyes.

Won't you tell me it'll be alright

“This isn’t what I was cut out for, I’ve known for awhile, Austin. If I stay, I will bring more pain to you, to the guys, more pain than you can ever imagine. This is killing me, it’s been eating away at my head for so long that I can’t even remember when this all started to happen. I lost control, of my life, of everything, how could it ever be okay again? Why do I mean so much to you? Ever since Alan came along, you haven’t stopped fawning over him! You only stayed home last night cause he was out with his family, Austin, I’ve been replaced! I know it, so do you. The fans don’t care about me, I only disappoint them, disappoint you, and disappoint everyone else. I can’t let you all down again, I can’t set an example of what not to be, I have to change, and I can’t do that here! If you loved me Austin, if you ever loved me, you would let me go…” He breathed out a heavy sigh, as his boyfriend stood, waltzing back over to him carefully.

“What’s the worst that could happen if you stay? Sh-“

Close your eyes and magnify

“I’ll be dead by the end of the year.” Was Shayley’s curt reply, as he lifted his bags off the ground, trying to get past the Vocalist who stood in his way.

“But why?” was the taller mans pained response, Shayley shook his head.

“You know, all the parties, all the booze, all the drugs; Austin I can’t take it. You always had so much will power when it came to those things, but I just don’t. I drink more than you realize, any chance that I can sneak a sip, I do. I don’t want to live this way, I don’t want to fall deeper into this black hole, but I’m miserable here, not because of you, but because of the mess I have created.”

Exhuming you for exhuming me

Austin tried to stop what was coming next, tried to block the door, but Shayley walked out of it before he got the chance, the bass player trudged down the hallway, emerging in the living room, Austin in tow.

“Shay we can fix it! We can work through this, we will get you help for the alcoholism, you haven’t let me down, and you never could. You weren’t replaced, we just needed change, Shayley, why won’t you listen to me?” Austin’s voice was panicked, causing Shayley to halt his exit, but not turn around to face him.

Won't you tell me it'll be alright

“I can’t, staying here means giving in, don’t you know how hard this is? I’m leaving behind everything I worked so hard to earn, I’m leaving the love of my life, but not because I want too, because I have too. I’m afraid that staying here, that staying in this house, staying with the band…will be the last thing I ever do. I know it all seems so rushed, but its only because you neglected to believe that it was true. I’ve been gone awhile Austin, I’ve been dead inside for so long, and my biggest fear is If I stay, I won’t survive.” Shayley recited the words as if he had practiced them a thousand times, making Austin’s heart feel like it was being snapped in two.

Close your eyes and magnify

“So that’s it? Your just going to leave me? Leave the band? And do what exactly? What do you expect to accomplish on your own? You need support, you need someone by your side, you nee-“

“To leave.” The smaller man cut Austin off, causing him to sigh as tears slipped down his cheeks.

“But what will I do without you here, Shayko…?” Austin questioned, falling to his knees, “You are my world, Shay, if you leave, I cant take it.”

Exhuming you for exhuming me

Shayley bit his lip, he knew if he stayed much longer he would cave, he would wrap Austin in his arms, take him to their room and stay for as long as he had left, but he knew if he stayed he would succumb to his depression. He would succumb to the thoughts of drinking so much that he would simply never waken. It was all so tempting, and leaving the love of your life behind should be the last thing you ever do, but if Shayley stayed, that would be the last thing he ever did.

“Please, I beg you Shay, let me help you.” Austin bowed his head, punching the ground, Shayley stayed in place.

“I can’t. I can’t get better here, you’ll be okay, you have everyone, you have fans who look up to you, you’ll move on and be happy...you have too.” The bassist clutched onto his bags harder, silently wishing it didn’t have to be this way. He inched forward, placing his hand on the door knob,

I never meant to hurt you

“Shayley Bourget if you walk out that door!” Austin threatened, but Shayley had already slipped out the door, scrambling down the halls of the apartment complex, not even realizing Austin was close behind, until they both escaped the buildings confinement; stepping into the breezy southern California air, the sun beating down on them impatiently.

“Shay, it doesn’t have to end this way. Stay, come inside with me, just please...stay…”

Shayley felt his will begin to sway, part of him longed to stay, to not have to kiss his life and love behind, but he knew better than that. Nothing good could ever last forever, “If only it was that simple, Goodbye Austin.”

“No!” Austin shouted, lunging forward, and catching him in a tight embrace, before leaning his head down enough so his lips collided with Shayley’s. The brunette kissed back, trying his best to savor the last time Austin’s lips would ever touch his, he tried his hardest to make this kiss seem like a proper goodbye.

“I love you.” Austin whispered the words for the first time in their relationship, resting his forehead on the shorter mans. He watched as Shayley finally broke down, tears falling rapidly from his face as he clutched his bags to his sides for dear life.

“I love you too, and that's why I have to go, I refuse to disappoint you anymore. I don’t expect you to forgive me, or understand, but this it, Austin.” Shayley gulped as Austin staggered back, hurt flashing on his features.

And so, so, so, sorry

“So that’s it? Your really leaving?” Austin spat the words out like venom, Shayley nodded tiredly, a sad smile gracing his lips.

“I’m so sorry.” He muttered, taking a final glance at his now ex-boyfriend, ex-band mate, his ex-best friend, ex-everything, before turning on his heel and running as fast as his legs could carry him, until he reached the parking structure. Austin blinked, not fully realizing he had left, before he was out of sight, by the time he reached the garage, Shayley was long gone.

You wouldn't have to wake or learn from my mistakes

Shayley gripped the steering tightly, watching as the city limits of Los Angeles passed in his rear view. Blinking away the tears from his eyes, he forced a smile; the hardest part was over. From here on out, it was going to get better, he was going to recover, and thrive, hopefully to one day be able to come across Austin’s face again. As enticing as it sounded, he knew it would never happen, he had done enough damage, and where he was headed was a long slow road of recovery and loneliness. Goodbyes were always the hardest part of change, he just hoped the hole in his heart would eventually wither away, along with the memories his mind held. With a final glance in the rear view mirror, he forced himself to focus on the road, it resembled so much to him; it was a constant reminder of the places he’s been, the people he had met, and the world he had seen.

Austin would be fine, Shayley knew deep down this was what was meant to happen all along, to kiss the ones you loved goodbye for good, he was just glad, he did before he caused any more pain then he had. Shayley twisted the ring on his middle finger, the one Austin had given him a year to the date, when he first asked him to be his, he smiled at the memory; before slipping it off his hand, kissing it, and tossing the small object out the window, leaving the last piece of evidence of his existance, behind.

I love you, yes I love you

Notes

Had this partially written for awhile, and decided to finish it up and post it.
So ta-da. Here it is :P

Leave me something?

xoxo
Siren