Austin's snores were soon content in my ear, letting me know that he had finally fallen asleep.

The poor thing was beyond exhausted because of me and all my baggage, but at least he was finally starting to catch up on some sleep now.
And as much as I wanted to stay here and fall asleep with him, I can't. I'm afraid that if I do, I'll just end up waking Austin like I have the past three hundred times. He needs his sleep.

Kissing his cheek lightly, I started to slide out of his embrace, even when he tried to tighten his grip on me unknowingly. When my bare feet hit the ground, I let out a sigh and wrapped my arms around myself as I started to head out to where the rest of the guys were.

They were all lounging on the couch and chairs, playing on their phones as they enjoyed their little break from set. Seeing me enter, they all looked up and smiled.

I plopped down on the couch next to Alan, who immediately threw his arm around my shoulder, allowing me to lean my head against his shoulder in the friendly embrace. "Hey, girl," he said lightly, I sort of mumbled a 'hey' in response.

We stayed like this in silence for a bit, the only noise being the soft melody from whatever song Aaron was playing from his phone as he chatted with Phil about it.

I was watching Alan scroll through his twitter when I remembered what I had to do. "Hey Alan?" I mumbled the question.

"Yeah, Haze?" He looked down at me out of the corner of his eye.

"I need to go to my bus.."

This had his attention fully on me, eyebrows furrowed. "What? You sure that's a good idea?"

"No," I started. The last thing I wanted to do was go on my bus and deal with my problems, but I have to. I can't avoid them forever, especially when we are on Warped Tour. " But I... I just have to."

"It's just that I was there last time... I heard what they said, Haze... Are you really sure?"

I made a gesture that was both a shrug and me shaking my head, either way, I had to do. "I don't want to... b-but I have to, Alan.."

He nodded slowly, processing this. "Okay, but Austin's not going to want you going by yourself. I don't either."

I sat up, turning a bit to look at Alan, gnawing on my cheek. "Will you come with me?" I knew he was going to ask about Austin, so I spoke before he could. "Austin's asleep and he needs his rest... But I can't go alone, Alan... I-I.."

"Of course I'll go, Haze," Alan cut off my nervous babbling. "Just let me get a shirt on, okay?"

"Kay," I mumbled, watching as he got up, sending me a small smile as he did.

While he went to get his shirt I went over to the door of the bus and slid on my shoes, grabbing Austin's zip up hoodie that was lying on a near by chair on my way and sliding it on. It was big and the sleeves were way too long, but it was comfortable and I was swarmed by his good scent.

While I breathed it in, I rubbed my hand over my barely extended tummy a bit, the idea of my baby comforting me a little as well.

Alan came back out from the bunk area, coming over and sliding his shoes on before we left the bus, him throwing his arm back over my shoulder. I appreciated the gesture, it made me feel a little bit better. Now with everything that's happened with my band, Alan is now my best friend and the only other one besides Austin that I feel comfortable with. And as much as I wish Austin were hear, it was too late. But at least I had Alan.

"If they even give you a funny look, I'm pullin your ass out of there, got it?" Alan looked down to ask me. I simply just nodded, really hoping it wouldn't go that bad. But deep down I had a feeling it would.

If I wasn't so exhausted, I would be super angry with them, for all the things they said, mostly Kush. But since I don't have the physical or mental or emotion stability for that, I'm left just feeling upset and used and worthless and betrayed.

My feet were like bricks, not wanting to move and face the ones who made me feel like this, but I kept pushing along.
I can't screw our fans over just because we have problems. They don't deserve that.

When we reached my bus, Alan removed his arm from my shoulder and my shaky hand immediately searched around to grip onto his. When I found it, I held onto it nervously, him giving me a reassuring squeeze as he led me up the stairs, knocking on the open door to let them know we were coming in.

They were all laughing and joking with each other on the couch, but when they saw us, their faces dropped. I felt a twinge of pain go across my chest, feeling more hurt than ever.
They were all doing fine, happy with out me here. They were moved on and over me.

"Hazel.." Sammy mumbled, moving to come over to me, but I just stepped back into Alan to get away from him. He betrayed me. He was my best friend and now all I felt was hurt in his presence.

With this feeling, I decided what to say. "I'm here to get my stuff... I'm gona stay with them for the rest of tour," I mumbled, signaling to Alan.

"Come on, Hazel..." Kush stood up, huffing.

I just shook my head, "Don't... Just don't."

"Don't what, Hazel? What the fuck are you trying to prove?"

"I'm not.. I'm not trying to prove anything," my voice was barely above a whisper. So quiet as I looked to the ground I wasn't sure they heard it.

"Kush, you've done enough. Just let her go," Sammy said, trying to give me a smile to show he was on my side.

"Me?!" Kush asked, exasperated. "I've done enough? How is this on me?!"

"You know what you said, man," Alan spoke, shaking his head a bit.

"All I said was the fucking truth," he stepped over.

"No, it wasn't the truth. It was whatever dick thing you made up in your head," Alan stuck up for me, stepping over to him, too. I gripped onto his hand still, warning him not to start something here.

"So I made up her choosing you over us? Huh? I made up her putting her stupid boyfriend over us?! I made up her be a bitch?! I made up her getting fucking knocked up?!"

"Kush!" Sammy tried to cut him off.

"No, man, you know I'm right!"

"You're far from right! Why can't you just stop being a dick for two seconds a realize what she's going through!" Alan yelled back.

"What she's going through?! It's her fucking fault! I'm tired of this shit! I'm tired of her shit!"

At this point, Kush and Alan were yelling back and forth, Sammy and Izzy going in. All their yells and curse words and huffs were overlapping.

"Why the fuck are you even here?! Is she riding your dick, too?! Or is that your baby?! She just can't choose who to fuck over next, can she!" Kush yelled, face turning red.

"Your head is so far up your ass you can't even hear the words that are actually coming out of your mouth!" Alan defended.

"Kush, you're such an idiot!" Sammy yelled, trying to push him back.

"Shut up, man! Do you even realize what's been going on?!"

More yells. More screams. More people getting up in each others faces.

The noise was like a cloud that surrounded my head, making it pound and me cringe. I couldn't take this right now. Not after everything that's happened. It's too triggering.. I'm not stable enough for this. I just can't.

"What the fuck do-"

"STOP!" I screamed, cutting them off.

They all froze, turning to face me in shock.

I was huffing, my head still spinning. "Just STOP! I can't take this!" I yelled, pulling at my hair a bit. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS! I can't take the fighting and the yelling so just STOP! You have no idea what you're saying!" I directed it at my band, emotions clouding up my eyes. "I never once put any of you over any one else! I loved you ALL the SAME! But when I needed you... you weren't there... YOU WEREN'T THERE! AND THEY WERE!" I pointed to Alan. "IAN FOUND ME! HE TOOK ME TO MARK!" Tears were now welling up in my eyes. Everyone looked at me in shock. I had to stop myself from telling them what happened to Mark, I couldn't get the words out right now. "HE TOOK ME AND WHEN I NEEDED YOU..." I trailed off, still huffing, but my head spinning too much to continue. I just started shaking my head.

"Haze.." Sammy tried coming over again, but this time I shoved him back by his chest.

"YOU WEREN'T THERE!" I cried out at him. "And I'm sorry!" I turned to Kush. "I'm sorry if I've been a bitch because that's just what I am sometimes! But fuck you. FUCK YOU!" I looked at all of them. "You had no right to turn against me when I needed you the most! You had no right to say the things you did! So fuck you!"

Silence lingered after my outburst for a moment while I let myself calm down, everyone really taking in my words.

I pushed my hair back out of my face a bit, fingers toying with the sleeve of Austin's jacket when I spoke next. "I'll be at every acoustic concert we have left to perform and will pick my stuff up later, but other than that..." I trailed off, clearing my throat a bit. "Goodbye."

After those words I turned and hurried of the bus I once was living on. And when I got off, I didn't stop speed walking away, tears coming back.

Why did this have to happen? Why? They were my best friends! Were they right? What did I do? Oh God... Why? Why did this happen?!

"Haze!" Alan called after me, but I just walked faster.

"Hazel, wait up!"

I shook my head no, not wanting him to see my cry. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of being pathetic. I'm sick of all my problems just like everyone else is. Maybe Kush was right.. He said he's sick of my shit and everyone else probably is as well. I'm sick of all this shit!

Alan eventually caught up, grabbing onto my arm to stop me and spin me around, immediately pulling me into his chest. He held me in his embrace and I tried so hard to bite back my cries, but eventually they got the best of me.

I choked out a sob, responding to Alan's hug by pathetically crying into him, repeating "why? why? why?"

He rubbed my back hesitantly, obviously a little wary on what to do. Knowing this, I tried to get myself to calm down so I didn't freak him out any more. I lifted my head up from his chest, seeing him frown when he saw my face covered in messy tears and bags under my eyes. "Let me go get Austin.." He mumbled down to me, rubbing my arms a little bit more.

I now noticed that we were right near his bus now, and being the selfish person I am; I nodded.

I needed Austin.

Alan crushed me back in one more hug before kissing the top of my head and breaking away to go run over to his bus. I watched him numbly as he retreated, but when his bouncing ginger hair was out of sight, my feet started to wander.

I ended up shuffling over to the top of a hill, seeing the rocks and weeds that tumbled below. There was nothing interestingly enchanting about it, but my eyes were still glued down there. My mind was spinning, feeling like it was banging at the walls of my head.

I so badly wanted to go back into that bunk and curl up... The urges just to give in were just to big. But instead of doing this, I just stared blankly at the ugly hill.

There were too many thoughts, mostly bad ones, running around in my head to pinpoint what I was feeling. But soon I didn't really try to when I heard the most relieving voice in the world.

"Haze?!"

Austin was calling me, the more times he repeated my name, the more times I could hear the fear, worry, and anger in them. I turned around to face him, catching his attention.

"Hazel?! Where are yo- Haze!" He huffed out in relief, but then started to jog over. "Hazel, what the hell happened?!"

I could hear the anger, that must have sprouted up from pain, clearly now. And I absolutely can not take having Austin angry with me. I can't take any more yelling or anger or anything that could trigger me to break down. Especially if it's from Austin.

"You went to your bus? Why wouldn't you wake me up?!"

"Austin," I put my hands out, barely hovering above his lower chest, begging him not to get upset. But it was too late for that.

He brought his hands up to grab mine, still holding them as he lightly pushed them down. "Are you crazy?!" His voice was anything but light, unlike his touch.

I scoffed and tugged my hands back towards myself before shoving past him. I can't be around someone who is yelling at me or is angry with me right now; as selfish as that is. I just can't take anymore. And, as a matter of fact, I am crazy.

"Hazel? Where are you going?" Austin spit out and turned, quickly catching up to me. I just kept moving straight.
That is until he ran in front of me, blocking me every-time I tried to move in the other direction. He even grabbed lightly onto my arm to try and stop me from walking away, but I yanked my hand out of his grasp roughly, making him freeze. Hurt and confusion flickered across his face, making me now stop too.

"Don't do this," I said quietly. I didn't exactly know what I was telling him not to do, but all I could think about was how bad I was. Bad as in murderer, bad as in pathetic, bad as in bad for him, bad as in bad mentally, and bad as in I can't even handle him raising his voice at me.

"Don't do what, Hazel?"

"Don't do this!"

"Don't do what!?!" He was pleading with his eyes as he got worked up. "Hazel, what the hell happened?!" I got the sense that he was asking about more than what just happened earlier.

"What happened?!" I repeated him, exasperated as I yelled. "You want to know what happened?!" I already knew the answer to this, obviously. But I can't stand living with everything alone for one more day... One more moment.. "They all hate me, Austin! They know how pathetic I am! They know how bad I am!" I cried out. "They know who I am! They know I'm some fucking psycho!"

"What are you talking about, Hazel?" Austin was speaking lightly again, with care as he tried to step a little closer to me, wanting to provide comfort.

"I'm not married anymore!" I cried out as I took a step back from him, giving it to him straight. The words were weighing like bricks in my mind and I was struggling to pick them up and throw them out. "I'm not married anymore!" I repeated. "I don't have a husband! I don't have Mark! Mark's gone! I KILLED HIM!" The bricks hit be straight in the gut as I let them out.

Austin was frozen, looking at me wordlessly. He wasn't expecting that.

"I KILLED HIM! You don't have to worry! I'm not fucking married anymore! HE'S DEAD! You have a murderer for a girlfriend! A pathetic, psycho, murderer!" I cried out. "I KILLED HIM!" I repeated it once more before reaching up, my hand grasping onto the chain around my neck before with one swift, hard yank, I ripped it off.

I didn't even look down at the necklace that held Mark's ring as I ran over to the hill and chucked it down it, frantically starting to kick rocks and dirt down after it. My body was begging to shut down, but I was having such a weird emotional break down that it wen't into autopilot.

I kept kicking and kicking and crying and sobbing and whimpering.

But soon Austin was behind me, "Hazel, baby, stop," he pleaded, sounding sad. But I couldn't stop. "Hazel," he repeated, arms reaching out to wrap around my waist. "Hazel, stop." His voice was stern as he started to pull me back from the hill, just causing me to thrash out more. I was panicking, freaking out, and having an emotional break down all in one.

It wasn't until Austin cried out my name once more, begging me to stop that I actually did. His voice cracked, sounding so broken in sad that it had my body freezing, before completely collapsing and crumbling down in his embrace.

He had quick reflexes and caught me with the arms that were wrapped around my waist, sinking down onto the ground towards me. My sobs only became worse as my body hit the ground, hunched over, basically laying in the dirt.

Austin stayed behind me, hugging me tightly from behind as he supported my body while I wailed. "Shh," he whispered into my hair, trying to soothe me.

"Y-You have a m-murderer for your girlfriend... Our baby.. has a murderer for a m-mom," I cried, shaking.

"Shh, don't talk like that, Haze. Don't even think like that," he said lightly, but sternly.

"I'm bad, Austin.. I'm bad," I cried out. I didn't speak about bad as in actions or skills, I spoke about character and what type of person I am. Plus, I'm bad for him.

"No. No, Hazel, you're good. You're good, baby. Your heart is so good.."

Austin spoke with so much love. And each time I'd say something bad, he'd repeat something good double the amount of times. He kept reassuring me so much that I had to believe what he was saying. He wouldn't let me say anything bad, let alone give me time to think it.

After a little bit his words calmed me down, distracting me, too. But I still had one thing on my mind.. "Why? Why, Austin?" It was a pretty general question, but I had so much meaning in the way I spoke it. And Austin got that. He knew I was asking for a reason to all this madness, or why it had to happen to me.. Or why this happened to him or why anything has to happen. I just don't get it.

"I don't know, baby. I don't know.." He cooed, rubbing circles on my back. "But hey, look at me," he put his hand lightly under my chin, getting me to turn and look up at him. "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. Not ever, okay? You're not a murderer and you're not psycho. You're Hazel Starr and I love you so much. And I promise you, our baby will love you more than the whole world, no matter what."

My lip was quivering at his words, but he still wasn't done.

"And I never pressured you to talk about what happened before to give you your space, but Haze, I want you to talk to me, okay? I don't want you to keep it inside and have it come out like this again. It breaks my heart to see you like this."

I nodded as I let my head slowly fall down, resting on Austin as I leaned into him. "I love you so much," I breathed out as I sighed.

Austin's arms immediately wrapped around me and held me to him, sighing too at my words. "I love you too , Haze, more than anything. You are my world.."

Notes

Ehhhh I don't like this chapterrr. I'm super tired and feeling really crappy so I just like wrote it on a limb but I reALLY wanted to get this up for you guys since it's been so long and I've been feeling really sad so I wanted to write something kind of sad but then also have some Austin feels to make it better.

Also wanted to show kind of a developing bff thing between her and Alan, then I intended to show some of Hazel's mental struggles that correspond with her problems but yeah, whatever. lol.

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to post this, things have started to get really bad for me again and my personal health kinda distracted me for a while, but I'm here now! I already have the next chapter planned out and started so I've just got to finish it up.

It's been so nice to talk to you guys in the comments! (:

Let me know what you think!