Walking hand in hand with Austin through town gave me butterflies. I tried not to make it notable that my hands trembled but when he looked at me and told me to relax I knew that it had failed. We walked through the city and the morning sun and we ended up in a small café. We both ordered in some coffee.
"You okay?" he asked when we got our food. He didn’t look at me but took a bite of his scrambled eggs. I looked at me food and then I nodded. I wasn’t really fine, but I felt okay. Better then I had thought.
"I thought I would feel much worse, but… But I feel pretty okay" I whispered.
"I guess that’s good, and bad" he said and looked at me.
"What do you mean?" I asked and met his eyes. He looked at me and I swallowed.
"It’s good that you don’t think about it, but bad that you don’t… because if you don’t you kinda… well… I don’t want you to accept that it happened, you should cry some more and then move on… I guess" he said and frowned a little. I looked at him.
"You could see it like that but… I know this is going to sound really, really weird… But I’m used to this" I said and I whispered the last part. Austin dropped his fork and he stared at me. And I looked at him with sad eyes and I felt the tears burning.
"You’re used to it?" he whispered and I nodded.
"Do you remember the reason why I’m here?" I asked.
"You said something about a guy that tried to force himself onto you" Austin said and looked at his food.
"That was not the first guy that did so, and what John did… that was not the first time either" I said and looked at him. He looked up and he looked really shocked.
"You’ve been… before?" he asked and he could barely get out the words.
"I’ve never told anyone this but… Not even Alan knows but… Yes, several of times since my chest started growing" I said and looked down on my plate.
"How many times?" Austin asked and he just stared at me. I looked at him and hesitated, and he asked again.
"… five" I whispered and he looked really shocked.
"Five times?" he said. More to himself then to me and I looked down on my plate. Suddenly I couldn’t eat. I didn’t have any appetite.
"I am so sorry for making you go through that yesterday" Austin said and he looked so guilty.
"You shouldn’t blame yourself, you didn’t know anything" I gasped and looked at him.
"But if I hadn’t decided to ignore you, just to see how you acted after that kiss… Then it wouldn’t have happened" he said and looked me in the eyes. I could see the pain and the guilt.
"Austin, you’re not at fault" I said and took his hand.
"But it feels like it" he said and sighed.

I walked next to Austin and I could still feel that he was upset. He kept on grunting like he was overthinking everything and sometimes he sighed. I looked at him and felt guilty. I should not have told him about my past. Then he stopped and I looked up in surprise. I followed his eyes and he smiled. He was looking towards a big fair, and then he looked at me.
"C’mon, let’s go and have some fun" he said and smiled.
"But we have to be back soon" I said and looked at my phone. He grinned.
"We have have two hours before we have to be back at the venue" he said and took my hand. We crossed the street and he payed for our entrance.

For two hours we walked around and played games, had some cotton candy and Austin tried to show off in a strength competition. You know.. The one where you swing a hammer and hit it, and depending on how hard you hit a marker shoots up and maybe, just maybe, a bell will ring. Austin was just a few inches from the bell and I laughed when he looked so disappointed. But he wrapped an arm around me and we looked around some more, before Austin got a call from Alan.
"Hey, we’re on our way back" Austin said and gave me a grin. I giggled a little.
"Yeah, we went for a breakfast and ended up talking, and you know how girls like to talk" Austin said and he looked at me with a huge grin on his face. I laughed because Alan would see through that. I wasn’t the girly girl.
"Nah I know, we walked past a fair and we decided to just have fun, but we are on our way back" Austin said and pushed me towards the exit. I laughed and shook my head. I liked Austin because he could be both serious and funny at the same time. And right now was one of those moments.

I was lying in my bunker, staring into air and I didn’t know what to feel. I liked Austin but I felt a little bit guilty for liking him. Did he really want to be with someone like me? I had been raped, I had guys over me and I was a total mess when it came to my mental health. I wanted to find someone that loved me for who I am… But at the same time it scared me because well… What if they leaved me?
When you’re attached to someone, and you like them, there is no going back. You like them and they could hurt you in so many ways. They could leave. Find someone else they liked better. Austin could not feel the same way about me. Maybe he just like me as a friend and not more. Like I did. What if he liked me, but lost his interest in me now that he knew? What if he just used me, and did all these things, because he knew he could use me. Like all the other guys. Like all the others…
Suddenly I realized my eyes was tearing up and my heart ached. My whole chest felt heavy. I could hear the guys playing CoD in the back, except for Phil who was sitting in the lounge working. I could hear the driver singing to Michael Jackson. And here I was… Lying in my bunker and feeling worthless. I took a deep breath and I turned to my side. Looked into the wall and closed my eyes. I put in my headphones and I turned up the volume to Whitesnake and Here I Go Again.