I walked into the hotel room I was sharing with Austin and locked myself in the bathroom. Running the sink, I went to my makeup bag and dug up an old, empty lipstick tube I had cleaned out before leaving LA and slipped pills into it. Taking out one of the little white pills I popped it into my mouth, swallowing hard. Shoving the lipstick back into my bag and shutting the water off, I checked my appearance in the mirror and walked out of the bathroom. I was surprised to see Austin wasn’t in the room yet. It was our first night in Daytona and I had been under the impression we were going to rent movies and hang out. There was a little note on the table, jotted out in his messy writing.

“meet me on the beach, love you”

Smiling, I slipped my flipflops on, grabbed the room key, and headed for the beach. Austin was laying on a towel looking up at the stairs when I approached him. Still wearing his bathing suit from earlier that day when we had all gone swimming.

“What are you doing?” I asked peering down at him.

His brown orbs met mine and he smiled wide letting his whole face glow with happiness. “Sit!”

Obligingly, I sat down on the towel next to him. He sat up, laying his long, skinny legs out straight in front of him.

“You never sit cross legged.” I commented realizing for the first time I had never witnessed him do it.

“I can’t…” He giggled watching my reaction.

“Why!”

“I have a bad heart, Rae…remember.”

“I know you have a bad heart!” I said exasperated. “I’m not that stupid.”

“It’s bad for circulation.” He explained with a shrug looking out at the ocean.

“I guess that shows how little we know about each other…” I mumbled looking down at my feet feeling the buzz of the oxy’s start to kick in.

“What are you talking about?”

I shrugged. “I just feel like we don’t know what much about each other Austin…”

“Lay down with me and look at the stars...let’s talk.”

I watched as he laid down before patting the spot next to him. I sank down looking up at the sky.

“Who was the first guy you ever dated?” He asked casually almost making me giggle.

“His name was Bradley Morrison…” I said thinking back to the blonde haired boy 15 year old me had been head over heels for. “We dated about six months. He broke up with me the day after we had
sex the first time.”

“My first was a girl named Nicole. I took her to the beach and a jelly fish stung my foot…” He said giggling. “Then we did it in my car.”

“You lost your virginity after a jelly fish stung you?” I asked adding my own chuckle in. “And I thought my story was pathetic…”

“Hey!”He said laughing and smacking my leg with the back of his hand. We fell into silence for a moment, broken by his sigh. “This is just like Warped.”

“What do you mean?” I asked lolling my head to look at him.

“You don’t remember? When we did this on Warped in that field?”

“OH! I do! That was fun!” I said with a smile.

“Can I ask you something?” He asked leaning up on his elbows, his demeanor changing.

“Of course…” I said feeling slightly nervous.

“Why did you start using again?” The question fell out of his mouth slowly but stern.

I pictured myself running from him, leaving him on his little towel on the beach and disappearing into the night.

But that was ridiculous. I had to face this.

Shrugging, I looked down at the towel, picking at little grains of sand.

“Rae, you do know…” He said reaching out and grabbing my hand in his giving it a strong squeeze.

“I-I’ve just been so anxious.” I admitted.

“About what?” He asked his eyes searching mine for answers.

“I didn’t want you to go on tour. Being away from you just makes me feel so vulnerable. I know that sounds so ridiculous but I can’t help it. I don’t want to lose you again…” I spoke quickly, stumbling over my words as Austin tried his best to figure out what I meant. Tears pricked my eyes as I let what I had said sink in. “You’re my sweetest downfall…” I said with a giggle and a shrug, my eyes glazed with tears as I looked up at him.

He leaned over and placed a loving kiss on my lips.

“Raegan…I don’t think I fully understand what’s going on in your head…but I do know that I love you and we’re going to work through this. Okay?”

Nodding, I let a real smile spread on my face.

“You stopped using, right?”

The smile fell off my face as I stared at him deciding whether or not to lie.

“Rae? You stopped, right? That’s the first step to getting better.”

Slowly I felt my head start to nod completely out of my control. Horrified with myself, I tried to correct it. But the toothy grin he gave me, that fucking smile I had fallen for all those months ago was there. And I found I couldn’t retrace my steps now. So I went along with my lie and let him kiss me hard in the sand. I had never felt so out of touch with myself.