I had tried my best to busy myself with work to keep the idea that Austin was leaving soon as far from my mind as possible. Nights I didn’t spend at his house, I stayed up late trying to write songs but never finding the relief my body was truly craving. Austin spent most of his days at rehearsal with the guys. We were both so busy, we barely saw each other. I pretended it didn’t bother me.

We had gone to Vegas for New Years with some of his friends. We had dressed up all fancy and as good as Austin looked in his suit from Top Shop and as sweet as he was being nothing was stopping how I was feeling inside.

I had four panic attacks in the bathroom that night unbeknownst to Austin. I would go into the bathroom, shut myself into a stall, let my world fall apart, pick myself back up, fix my makeup and walk back out to meet up with Austin like nothing had happened.

“You okay?” He had shouted into my ear over the music after my third departure.

I nodded my head, plastering a smile on my face, as he smiled and wrapped his arm around my shoulders laughing at something Ryan Sheckler was saying and taking a sip of his drink.

An hour later I found myself back in the bathroom again, trying to pull myself back together. I came out of the stall just to see a woman snorting a line off the counter top. My eyes went wide and my stomach filled with desire.

Giggling, she wiped her nose and looked up at me through the mirror, a slinky smile plastered on her face.

“You want a line?” She asked trying to sloppily fix the strap of her black bodycon dress that had fallen down her shoulder.

“N-No…I’m okay.” I said shaking my head and trying to quiet the demon inside of me that was begging to be fed what it wanted.

“You don’t look okay!” She giggled. “Just one line, here.” Digging through her purse she found her little vile and shook some powder out onto the smooth surface.

“No, really. It’s okay.” I said trying to sound stronger than I was and not realizing my feet were coming ever closer to her.

“Here, doll.” She used a credit card to make a perfectly straight line of the illegal substance that had once been my lifeline.

Without thinking I stomped forward slamming my clutch down on the counter and snorting the line up quickly.

“You’re a natural!” She laughed almost falling over into the trash can.

“Thanks.” I mumbled instantly feeling my body relax, the anxiety melt away, and the instant desire to be up all night.

Grabbing my clutch off the counter and not saying or looking anymore at the woman in the bathroom, I left and went to find Austin.

My mind played back the events of that night as guilt flooded my body. I still couldn’t believe I had done that to him, to myself.

I rolled over to see him sleeping soundly next to me, his chest slowly rising and falling. Tears threatened to fall the more I thought about it. The even crazier part was how badly I wanted to do it again.

“Fuck…” I mumbled climbing out of bed and going to the bathroom.

“Rae?” Austin mumbled in his sleep.

“I’m peeing. Go back to sleep.” I said making my voice sound as normal as possible.

“Mmkay…” He said, a sleepy smile on his face as he rolled over exposing his back muscles to me.

I shut the bathroom door and slid down the back of it to the floor.

“What have I done?” I questioned myself shaking my head.

I sat on the cold tile floor for probably two hours before I mustered enough courage to pick myself up and crawl back into bed. I laid as far away from Austin as I possibly could. A moment later he rolled over, wrapping his right arm around me. I looked down just making out the bird tattoo on his hand I had come to love so much since I had known him. I slowly traced it with my finger making him twitch and I caught a flash of the “Forgiven” tattoo. Sighing, I closed my eyes holding back the next gush of tears and willed myself to fall asleep.