My Understandings

“Austin!” I shoot out of the bunk, banging my head on the top bunk.
“Ellie! Are you okay?” I look around. I see Max, Ryan, and Miley staring at me. I breathe in and out. The nightmares never cease to leave me alone. I fumble around for my phone. I see it under the covers. I pull it out and check twitter.
@ElleSNS all my prayers go out to you.
@austincarlile are you okay what happened?
@piercethevic are you and Ellie dating?
What? I open Instagram and see the photo of me and Vic. Me and the fan Maisie. No. it can’t be. It was a dream! it was a dream! Austin is not hurt! My fist begin to clench and unclench the sheets as yesterday’s replay rolls back.
“Ellie! Ellie!”
“Alan?”
“It’s Austin!”
Austin clutching his chest. The guards not letting me go. I look towards my band.
“Where is he?” I ask. They look at each other. Some sending looks. Some motioning towards me. finally Ryan speaks up.
“He’s in the hospital. He’s been asking to see you.” Should I see him? I mean he did break my heart. But I still love him. And if he wants to see me, it’s a sign too. But what if it isn’t a sign. No. it has to be. It needs to be. I get up, shakily, and walk to the lounge. I’m still in my clothes from whatever day I found out. I open the bus door and see people staring at me. the first person I see is Vic. I don’t even smile at him. It’s like he’s warning me. you see him, don’t bother coming to me. I see David outside his bus. I roll my eyes. I have nothing to say to him. Andy Biersack from Black Veil Brides gives me a small smile. At the gate of the venue is Alan. I breathe a sigh of relief. I walk towards the gate, band members giving me glares, blank stares or despair. I know that rhymes, but it’s true. Even Ronnie Radke is giving me a glare. But besides that it was quiet. Like everyone was afraid to breathe. I walked past the gates and got in the cab. Alan stayed quiet. I ran through multiple options.
1.)Austin just wanted to see me to blame this on me and yell at me.
2.)He actually misses me and wanted me to be there to know he’s alright.
3.)He just wants to explain something.
Yup. That’s all I got. Hopefully number two. We pulled into the hospital parking lot and it took some serious strength to not run in there. Alan took my hand and we walked to his room.

~Austin~
I fumbled with the cords attached to me. These things get really annoying. Especially the nurse. Blonde alert. I remember at set, something with the equipment went wrong and corrupted something in my left ear. It hurt like a bitch! I hate being deaf in my left ear. I was clutching my chest, but not out of pain, just out of the fact that my ear hurts so much. When they pulled me in hear, they did a double check on my heart anyway and decided to keep me in here for a day or two to be safe. But this nurse, ugh. I hear laughter. The laugh I’ve been waiting so long to hear. I see her hair as she walks in the room, hand in hand with Alan. He looked like he was going to pass out. She must’ve really squeezed him hard. When she sees me her eyes drop. Alan walks out the room to give us space.She sits in a chair away from me. Here goes nothing.
“Hey Ellie.” I try to make small talk.
“Hi Austin.” She mutters.
“Aw come on. Don’t be a baby, talk. It’s been a while.”
“Yeah. It has.”
“So, how’s life?”
“Good. Good.” God, just say it. You know you want to. It comes out of my mouth without any warning.
“I miss you.” The fire in her eyes spark. Her eyes turn a crisp blue and she’s in my face the next minute.
“Don’t you dare say that!You miss me?! that’s a lie because you dumped me!” she snapped.
“I dumped you for a reason.” I say.
“Oh Austin what is that reason?! Was it his reason,” she shows me her wrist which is covered in scars. Some faded than others, some new. “If this is the reason congrats! You succeeded!”
“Ellie-”
“The blood, how it runs. The tears as they drip. The sting feels so good. You were simply slipping in. I can’t take it anymore!!! You were the one voice that I need. To tell me that I was worthless. To bring me to my knees. Very little people know this. And most of them act like it doesn’t exist. The sadness. The depression. "Be quiet. Othershave it worse than you." Just when you think you have had enough, It obviously gets worse. Thinking “How?" When it is pointed out to you from the beginning. It’s been a long time since I have seen you! You should probably know that I still care about you!!!Even though the tears you gave me. The crying that you can’t hear in the daylight. We all knew this would happen. Why not act the way others think you do? It’s all just a big game, right? And we were taught that it’s okay to lose? If you read the words in my eyes, And heard the thoughts in my mind, I am sure you would see, I’m not okay. Please, excuse me while I clear my throat. It’s scratchy from the crying for hours!!! I think I may be done. Not now but soon. Attention seeker? I just need a hug. Or somebody to tell me it’ll be okay. I get smaller and smaller with every word. Every realization. I told you I would be done. Did anybody bother to ask? No. When the first cutting joke came along. I was already gone!!!!!” she walks out the room and down the hallway. Alan appears in the door and shoots me a glare. I sigh and mentally kick myself. She misses me? I’m the one who made her feel worthless?

~Ellie~
I walk back to the venue. A song already in mind. How dare he plays the “I miss you” shit. It’s nothing but a lie. I know he doesn’t miss me. he dumped me and went to some girl named Gielle. Who by the way was his wife! I walk into the venue. I guess I could talk to Vic. I knock on his door and he opens it. I feel tears coming down my eyes and he lets me in. I collapsed on the couch and he just holds me. I’ve never felt so vulnerable. So open with anyone, except for Alex. But he’s always busy. Vic had to go to a set, so I decided to stay behind. I went to a merch tent and bought a couple things, had lunch with Andy, did a practice session with my band, and grab some clothes. It was already nine. Vic texted to see if I was coming back. Austin would be back tomorrow and my bus will be the first place he’ll look. I walked to the PTV bus in my pajamas which was shorts and a Slipknot tank top that I do not remember buying. I put my Vans on and walk over to the bus. Vic is there waiting for me.
“Hey.” I breathe.
“Hey.” We decided to all watch a movie. Mike put in Harry Potter and I took a spot between Mike and Vic. One thing about Harry Potter, it makes me sleepy. But for Mike’s sake, I tried to stay up. But halfway through, I lean my head on Vic’s shoulder to take a little nap. When I woke up, Vic’s head was on top of mines, Tony was sprawled out on the floor, “watching the movie” and Jaime was on his phone. Asleep.
Nooo. But not Mike. He was up, watching the movie as if his life depended on it. I shook Vic awake.
“Hey, I’m going to bed.” I tell him. He nods and yawns.
“Okay, first bunk.” I nod and make my way to the back ad got in the bunk. My phone went off again. It was another message from Austin.
Loser ex whose number I can’t seem to delete: Ellie! I’m sorry, just please text me back. To at least let me know you’re ok.
Ellie: I’m fine. I’m in the PTV bus trying to sleep!
Loser ex whose number I can’t seem to delete: Ellie are you and Vic a thing?
Ellie: none of your business. You dumped me now go ask Gielle if she and her baby are doing well!
I knew that was kinda harsh, but I meant it. Why should he care. He broke up with me, got married, and now he wants me back? I mean come on! I looked up Gielle, and yeah, she’s a dick. Who in the right mind would cheat on Austin, but he made his choice. I turn around to the other side. Is he really trying to creep me out by saying he misses me? does he think I’m that vulnerable? Am I? Did Alan know about this? Probably not. Alan is not mean like that. Should I talk to Tino or phil and see if they know anything. No. that’s backstabbing. Wait, who am I backstabbing though? Austin? Psh, clearly not. Alan? Maybe. I turn to face the ceiling. I should text him I didn’t mean it. But I do mean it. No you don’t.
“When you can’t fall asleep,” I sang. Trying to take my mind off of Austin. “Just think of good things. And when you do you’ll dream of good things. Music things……..” I trail off trying to think of another verse. “Vic things……..” I shook my head and turn over again. My nose touched Vic’s face.
“Ah!” I shove his face and back up against the wall. He laughed and stuck a hand out for me. I took it and hoist him up. He got on his knees and opened the door that lead to the top of the bus. It was dark, but he took my hand and clasp the other one on top of it and helped me up. The stars were shining, but the moon was nowhere in sight. I stood up and I felt like I as on top of the world. I began to laugh. The wind was blowing my hair around as I twirl around in circles. I miss coming outside during the night. I use to do it all the time with my mom. but it’s nothing compared to standing on top of a bus. Vic walked towards me and wrapped his arms around my face. I use my hair to hide my blush.
“I have a question to ask.” He said matter of factly.
“Sure.” I faced him. His eyes were still beautiful even in the dark.
“Will you be my girlfriend?” oh no. another relationship. Last time I got in a relationship, I had my heart torn out. The time before, he died. I don’t know if I’m ready to trust anybody yet. Sure I made lots of friends, but I was hoping most of them would stay friends. I just don’t feel comfortable trusting anybody. I do not want to let my walls down. It took two years to build them up. That’s when he leaned down in my ear and began singing…….

Notes