Kellin's heart raced, he couldn't stop moving. He paced, tracing the same path so often he could practically sketch you a replica of the hallway he roamed. He frequented the vending machine near the end of the hall but each time he would scan the available items with disinterest, pick one, pick a different one, purchase neither, and turn away from the metal box with a kick of his shoes and a pound on the glass with his fist. His hands themselves were nearly raw with how often he wrung them, trying desperately to give himself some kind of comfort. Currently he could be found spinning his wedding ring around his finger while tapping his foot against the blue carpet below without much of a rhythm. His head was pounding yet he couldn't get it to subside even after popping a couple Advil. He dropped his head to be held in his hands, not knowing what to do with himself. He couldn't believe the past couple days were even real, he kept expecting to reawaken in the uncomfortable waiting room chair and be headed for his first meeting of Group Therapy. His mind seemed to run in circles, replaying the days' events on loop in some sort of tortuous double take. He watched, behind his eyelids, a sort of movie play out. He saw a small girl caught in a tragedy, the movie switched from a comedy to a drama to a medical procedural to a gruesome horror. No matter how many times he saw the same images, he still couldn't make sense of them. He hadn't been told a thing about whatever turn of events had brought him to his current standing, so he supposed his mind was trying to figure it out itself by going through everything he'd seen of the child he now wanted so direly to see again.

After Calvin's call Kellin hadn't hesitated a second before taking off toward the hospital once again. He'd texted Katelynne once he'd arrived and informed her of all he knew, which wasn't much. Calvin was nowhere to be found and the only nurses Kellin had encountered thus far were as unhelpful as was possible. He wasn't a blood relative, hell he wasn't in any legal way bound to this girl, so information was inaccessible. It was infuriating, to say the least. Still, he waited as patiently as he could manage. Katelynne had offered to join him but Kellin refused for the time being, wanting his two other girls to not be caught up in this, wanting them to rest and relax. In their household rest was a coveted thing, it was hard to reach and even harder to reach again within a forty-eight-hour period. Their home was one filled with insomniacs ever since Kate's diagnosis, save for Copeland who obliviously slept on with a grin full of baby teeth and pink cheeks.

Kellin had managed one single moment with Rowan upon arrival, though it was brief and did nothing to calm his nerves. He'd swung through the doors, headed for the PICU, when he saw a gurney being wheeled toward ER. He'd tried to convince himself his eyes were lying but it was no use denying the facts: atop the gurney was a small, brunette girl with blood coating all he could see of her. He'd nearly run flat out to catch up to them. By the time he reached the center of the melee he'd found Rowan sprawled out and surrounded by doctors and nurses. They were trying to apply pressure to her arms, where the most blood seemed to begin, but that wasn't the only damage. In the one minute he saw her Kellin found her stripped to her underwear, exposing nearly every inch of her skin to be coated in scars and --scarily enough-- plenty of fresh wounds. Her arms were the most destroyed with new marks, but her legs were also sliced up, her stomach was cut below her much-too-visible ribs, her shoulders and chest were plenty messed up, the tops of her feet, all the way to the palms of her hands which appeared to be damaged where she'd clutched her metal enemy too tightly. Her skin, what little of it remained untouched by ruby stains, was as white as paper and still she managed to be sweating and crying. Her eyes had been closed, but as Kellin had plead to be informed of what had happened, they'd cracked open. For a spilt second he looked into Rowan's eyes and saw the deep tunnels of fear and pain, as he'd first seen them, yet they still held a macabre beauty, holding morbid sense of emptiness that drew you in. Just as quickly as she'd come, she was whisked away, leaving Kellin locked out from the hall, pounding on the sealed doors. He'd fallen to his knees and wept without shame, only standing and forcing himself to move as he realized Rowan still needed him. He couldn't continue to wallow in his fear when she needed him to be there if --No! WHEN!-- when she awoke. He'd stumbled into the ER waiting room and began the task of begging whoever he came across for information.

Even now he was letting his eyes dart around the practically empty room for any sign of a nurse or doctor. He sat up and forced his eyes to remain open, not wanting to see the visions of her any more. He'd downed roughly five Monsters so far, it was nearing midnight. With or without the energy drinks Kellin couldn't fathom the idea of sleep. He'd tried listening to music but had stopped when he realized it wasn't helping, which was rare, only possibly prohibiting him from hearing someone who could help. His eyes itched with tiredness and the dry left behind after a recent bout of tears. Just as he was about to go to the desk once more, he saw someone walking out into the waiting room.

"Excuse me." He hopped up, seeing the nurse stop and turn to him, "Oh, I talked to you earlier. I'm Kellin. I'm here for Rowan." The nurse didn't seem nearly as annoyed with him as a few others had been, she only apprehended him with a look of mingled wonder and pity. "I just wanted to know what's happening... Please. Please. I've been here since, like, eleven this morning and no one will tell me a fucking thing."

"Look, sir," The nurse stepped back a bit, looking as if she were a deer in headlights, "I really can't give that information out... I wish I could help, but--"

"Please. I just..." Kellin swallowed hard, "I just need to know she's alive."

"I..." But the nurse couldn't seem to finish her thought. She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. "Fine. I just need you to promise not to tell a soul. Alright?"

Kellin nodded quickly, with such enthusiasm that the nurse worried his head would fall off. She tugged him to sit in his chair once again.

"I don't know much about the 'why' aspect, okay? But I'll tell you what I know," Kellin nodded, begging her to go on, "She's... She alive, in a manor of speaking. She isn't conscious, she's been out since we got her through the doors, but she has a pulse. It has been touch and go a few times but she's currently in surgery and has a heartbeat. She, erm, she cut pretty deep in a few places. She had to be stitched up. She also had to have the contents of her stomach pumped, she'd ingested an excess of pills she'd seemingly stolen at some point from a hospital employee. She's been given a blood transfusion and is on an IV drip. We saw from her files that she'd been in the PICU last night which, oddly enough, was lucky. I mean that in the way that because of that fact we know what has been administered to her in the past twenty-four hours, which gave us a head start. As I said she's not been entirely stable... But, so far as I know, she is currently living. I can't promise you how much more information you'll receive but that's the best I can do for now. I appreciate that you've been here as long as she has, I can see that you are obviously close to her. However I can't say the same for others, most nurses will require you to be a blood relative or legal guardian. Anyway, that's all I've got for you." She stood again, giving him one last thought before disappearing through the doors once more, "You didn't hear it from me."

Kellin sat back in his chair, running through all he'd heard over and over, trying to make sure he memorized every word for fear that he'd be told no more. He had to remember all he could, hoping he could figure out what was next for her based on such. All he could tell was that she was lucky, lucky to even be as alive as she was, even if that was only partially living. He leaned his head back against the wall, not knowing what to do with himself. His mind wasn't tired, but his body felt like he'd run a marathon. He pulled out his phone and tried to think of something to distract himself, hoping to stay awake at least until he knew Rowan would make it. He pulled up twitter and saw tweets from fans, wishing him and his wife well. He'd not been crazy about telling the world such a personal thing but seeing as he'd wanted a bit of time off to handle it all he felt as if he owed them some sort of explanation and his wife had been more than supportive of that. Vic, having had a girlfriend undergo and survive treatment for Breast Cancer, was his only friend who really got it. That's not to say his other friends and relatives weren't caring and supportive but there were so many misconceptions surrounding the illness that not many people could understand it unless they'd witnessed someone battle and survive it.

He wondered, absently, what his band mates and friends would think of what he was currently doing. They'd probably think him insane; fending off sleep to wait for news on the state of the mortality of a scarred (inside and out) little girl he'd spent time with and welcomed into his life all in the matter of a few days. He didn't much care what anyone thought, he only cared that this little girl who'd so quickly captured his heart was safe, and he wasn't currently too sure of that. Thoughts whizzed through his head in a dizzying way, leaving him chasing after his own thoughts as if they were an unruly pet who'd shaken free of its leash. Still his mind raged on, not giving him a moment reprieve.

Sleep was tugging at the ragged edges of his thoughts, wrapping hands around his ankles and pulling him into a hazy stupor. He fought hard against it but in the end he lost the battle.

---

"Sir. Sir..." There was something yanking on his sleeve, working hard on further destroying his already frayed nerves, "Sir, wake up."

Kellin finally gave in and forced his eyes to open, squinting into the brightness that accosted his sight in response. "Yuh-- Yeah?" He swallowed and sat up a bit, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes.

"Sir, it's me, the nurse you spoke with before..." He nodded at her, telling her that he understood.

"What's going on? How long was I out?" He twisted in his seat a bit, looking over his shoulder at the boldface clock drilled to the wall. 4:21AM. Damn.

"You've been asleep a few hours." She sat next to him while he attempted to wake himself a bit more, "The girl was moved, she's out of surgery and stable. She's stitched up and alive, she has yet to wake up, however. I, uh, I really have to ask you some questions."

Kellin was now wide awake, sitting rigid in his chair and nodding rapidly for her to go on. "Sure, anything."
"Well, first of all, who are you in relation to the child?"

"Rowan," He offered kindly, "Her name's Rowan, and I'm a, er, family friend."

"Right, well who else can we contact? Any one closer to her? We have no contact records on her other than her mother who isn't part of this equation."

"Why not?"

"Surely you knew...?" The nurse looked a bit skeptical but eventually gave in, "Her mother passed away, after all, so she isn't of much help to the girl-- uh, Rowan, at this point. We are aware she was living with a man, her mother's partner, but we have no way of getting ahold of him currently. I was hoping maybe you could help?"

"Um..." Kellin wracked his brain for an excuse, something to explain his lack of information and hopefully help him keep them from finding any way to Scott. "I don't know that that's best for her."

The nurse seemed puzzled.

"You can check out her files, she'd been living mainly here with her mother. Other than that she'd been in and out of the PICU. I'm sure you could tell that her wounds were mostly self-inflicted... she has had quite a past. But that's not what is important. What I'm saying here is that there are plenty of scars and bruises on her that were not her own to create..."

The nurse didn't look nearly as confused, but still retained a healthy amount of shock and skepticism. "We have no legal records to back up such accusations... but we also have nothing to legally bind her to her mother's partner either. The next option will be foster care."

"Wait, wait, wait. No. No way. Isn't there some other kind of family she can go to? An aunt? A distant cousin? Anything?" Kellin could feel a kind of panic rising in his chest, he couldn't imagine a world that was so terrible that this suffering little girl would be further tortured.

"As far as we are aware there is no one. I'm sorry but I really shouldn't even be telling you this much, I can't discuss anything else now." She got up to go but Kellin hopped up as well and blocked her path.

"Whoa. Hold up. Is there anyway that her mother's boyfriend could step in? She can't go to him, she just can't."

"She has no relation to him but if he were to ask for her for any reason it's likely he would be able to get her, courts would favor someone who's been present in her life over sending her to a foster home. There are no formal complaints against him, even if your accusations are well-based there is no proof until Rowan takes a stand."

"Fucks sake, she's in the fucking hospital! What asshole expects her to hop off a gurney and start defending herself against an abusive caretaker? That's ludicrous!" Kellin's sleep hadn't been long but it'd been enough to supply him with energy, energy that he was currently blowing off by flipping a shit on the poor nurse. Still he couldn't stop himself, even if he wanted to, for fear of what would come next for Rowan.

"Look, I'm just a nurse. I can't do anything to help you on this, I'm sorry." He began to feel guilty as he saw just how tired she appeared, "There'll be a social worker out to check on Rowan later, I'll let her know that you're the closest thing to a relative we've got on the girl's behalf. That's the best I can do."

Kellin nodded, not speaking for fear he'd just explode again, and took his seat once more. He could feel his butt was numb, as were his legs, and his head was spinning like a top. This had been a hell of a week and it was only Thursday. Kellin slumped in his chair, trying desperately to work through the pile of confusing thoughts that was pressing against his skull. He just had to keep reminding himself that she was, in fact, alive. That was the main thing, the thing that mattered most. Still it wasn't the only thing. Why? How? When? These thoughts were just as annoyingly persistent. Why would she do this again? And not even twelve hours after leaving a hospital bed? Maybe she liked it, the drama, the attention... but he knew that wasn't true. Not for Rowan at least. It wasn't that she enjoyed the focus being on her, it was simply that she got none and therefore needed it, that didn't mean she did this for fun. How had no one stopped her? She had a long record, she'd been living in someone else's hospital room surrounded by medical personnel. How had no one noticed? How did it get this bad? For a child to be this deep in her bad habits they'd had to have existed for quite a long time. Long enough, at least, that she should have been stopped. Maybe he was that person... maybe fate had brought him to her to save her. How else could two strangers with so little to bring them together end up so close at a time when they both needed it so desperately. It had to be fate. But what if they were torn apart just as quickly? He didn't know what would come next for her. He couldn't honestly say he felt even an ounce of loss for the woman who'd passed, she may have been Rowan's mother but she was definitely not worthy of that title. He understood cancer being a burden on her mother but Katelyne was dealing with it as well and most definitely didn't take it out on her defenseless child, he felt no pity for the woman. Still, what did Rowan feel about it? Was that her reason to try in so many ways to end her life? Was she that hurt about it? He supposed she could be. Now what? Now what happened to Rowan? How many more curveballs could life throw her and still expect her to keep playing along?

"Fuck it." Kellin decided. He needed advice, he needed someone to talk to so he pulled out his cell and opened a new text.

From Kellybear:
Hey man, are you awake?

From Victor:
Yeah, why? Everything okay? Kate? Cope?

From Kellybear:
Needed to talk to someone in the outside world. No, K and C r fine. Can you talk?

From Victor:
Yeah sure. Want to come over?

From Kellybear:
Can't leave where I am

From Victor:
????
Alright, well where r u? I'll come to you.

From Kellybear:
Hospital where Kate gets treatment.

From Victor:
WTF?!
WHY!?
ARE YOU OKAY!?
SPEAK TO ME BOSTWICK!!!!!!!

From Kellybear:
I AM FINE! CALM YOURSELF!
It's a long story. A friend of mine is here.

From Victor:
Be there in twenty.

---

Rowan felt heavy all over, her arms couldn't be lifted, nor her legs, not even her eyelids. Everything was much too slow and heavy, even the air she felt cloud her lungs and be pushed out into the world with her every breath felt much too thick. 'This must be death,' she decided, 'this is what it is to be dead.'

Suddenly there was too much sound and light. The insides of her eyes lids were glowing with a pale pink light and the sound came to her as if she were submerged underwater. Surely this was too hectic to be death, surely death was to be a peaceful state of being or non-being. She'd been counting on a peaceful after life for so very long, she'd been counting on having that time to finally be free of the toxicity of living. Surely that wouldn't be stolen from her as well? There were so many noises that she couldn't distinguish one from another. Finally she began sorting through them one-by-one. A small squeak sound: shoes on tile floors, so she was still in the process of bleeding out since she was currently hearing hospital sounds. A loud bang: metal doors slamming open, somewhere not too close. Voices: saying words she couldn't fully understand but she knew in the back of her mind that they were technically familiar to her. There were various sounds that reminded her of the clinking of silverware against against plates, it was metallic and grated painfully against her ears. She wanted to reach her hands up to plug her ears but they felt as if they were made of lead and impossible to move. She gave in to the weight, hoping that the heft could drag her under into permanent sleep. However even as she tried to cut all ties she could feel that there was this tenuous yet unbreakable wire that refused to be severed, forcing her to remain partially conscious.

The fog that had been blissfully clouding her thoughts was slowly thinning, making her more aware of the icy chill surrounding her and the increasing level of activity. It was unmistakeable, she was coming back to life and she hated it.

Her eyes began to flutter without her permission, finally springing open to be accosted with the white light around. She blinked, trying to clear her watering eyes and blinded vision. She saw a few figures come into focus, nurses. She looked down at herself to find she was yet again lain atop a hospital bed. The water in her eyes was only gathering more quickly as she realized she'd failed. Again. She couldn't even successfully find the exit door from this hell she was trapped in, she couldn't even do something as simple as kill her fragile body. She could feel a sob building in her chest and just as she felt she would implode from the pressure of feeling like a volcano she heard a piercing scream rip through the air, slicing the noisy area into choppy bits. The scream was tearing from her own throat and she had no desire to stop it, perhaps she could deprive herself of oxygen this way and finally be allowed to die. The scream died out in a moment of shock as Rowan felt a pair of large arms wrap around her tightly. She could feel her breath turn into gasping pants in response to this feeling of entrapment and pressure, making her dizzy with the lack of air making it successfully to her lungs and brain.

"Shh, shhh." The voice coming from her attacker was deepish but still light, masculine but not demonic. It was living, breathing, a man. It was something equally familiar, comforting, and terrifying. "Ro, you're alright. You're okay now."

She didn't speak, only wriggled in his grasp, trying to get away. He pulled back from her to finally look her in the eye, hers were wild and red, lined with unshed tears and still dripping fresh tears down her paper-white cheeks. He studied her, but she didn't seem any more comforted, only more upset. She just stared at him with an eerily placid expression. She pulled roughly from his grasp and looked away from him.

"I– Why, Rowan?" They both knew what he was asking without any further words required. Just the same, there were no words for a response. She just looked at the wall to her side, looking far away from Kellin. "I... Ro–" He couldn't express all that he wanted to say to her, there weren't enough words. He just reached out, offering his open palm to her. She turned and apprehended it with open skepticism, not directly refusing but clearly battling the desire to be held. In the end she only raised her eyes to his. She inched further away, into the pile of pillows propping her up. Her eyes were welling with tears, she looked him dead in the eye. She stared at him with such passion and desperation that Kellin felt as if he were reading her diary or eavesdropping on a private thought, it was so personal. Yet in reality, she was holding that look directly with him, genuinely wanting an answer to an unanswerable question.

"Rowan, you don't need to be dead to feel peace. That's something inside you, something that has nothing to do with your body." He tried to pick his words with care and precision, not wanting to say the wrong this to a child in such a fragile mental state. She just looked away, still not speaking a word. "Rowan, can you talk to me please?"

She shook her head, staring blankly at her arms that were both wrapped in white gauze.

"Why not, Ro?"

She shook her head again, shifting to lay down on her bed and face away from him.

"Rowan, I'd really like to know what you want."

She sat up and look back at him, asking with her eyes what he meant.

"You've been out for about three days now." Her eyes widened but she gave no further reaction. "I know about your mom," She dropped her gaze again to her arms, "a social worker came by... It's just... I know you're still very out of it... Do you-- do you want to talk about this later?"

She shook her head, still not looking up but urging him on nonetheless.

"Your father... well no one can find him." She looked unsurprised, and relieved. "Scott has no legal tie to you so unless he battles for custody he can't have you. You're left with a choice, Rowan, a very big choice. I know that it's a lot to ask of you to do this but if you don't make a decision now then the choice is made for you by the state, okay?"

She stared at him with more feeling, appearing to be a mix of frightened and determined. She nodded firmly.

"You are a minor, you have to be under the care of an adult. Right? Well the state, if you agree, wants to put you in a random foster home until you can either be found a permanent home or are old enough to live on your own." She had her face set, trying hard to keep her expression in check and not show emotion but there was a distinct flicker of fear in her eyes. "I don't like that idea, do you?" He tried to let her know that it was okay to disagree, and that she did. She shook her head. "Well I was able to make another arrangement available for you to chose if you wish."

She looked at him with open pleading, begging him to offer her something different.

"Rowan, I know that you don't know me all that well. I know that you have a history that is unique and won't make it easy for you to get used to me or my life, which I haven't been able to talk with you about much. But I also know that since I've met you I've cared about you, Ro. I want to see you happy. I talked to the social worker, I talked to my wife and a few others... basically... Would you like to come live at my house in place of a foster home?"

Rowan looked at him. And looked at him. And looked at him. Seconds ticked by, then minutes flew past. They were still sat facing one another, occasionally looking away but mainly just thinking. Kellin was about to speak again, to tell her that he understood that she didn't want that, but as he caught her gaze he saw something new there. She'd made a decision. Kellin looked back toward her with a question in his eyes, wanting to know her choice but not wanting to pressure her. After another minute of this silent conversation, Rowan nodded.

"Yes?" Another nod, "Yes to what? Yes you want to go with me?" He couldn't keep the tone of hope from leaking into his voice. She nodded again and he felt a smile tug on the corner of his lips. "I'm glad, Rowan. I honestly am." She didn't exactly smile back but she did seem to relax a bit, her shoulders lost a bit of their rigidity and her eyes became a bit softer. "Is there anything you need? Are you in pain?"
She shook her head, laying down on her side but remaining facing him. She forced one half of her lips to curl up a centimeter or so, trying to give him a bit of reassurance. "Sleep, Ro." He stood up and moved to the top of the bed, tucking a bit of her hair behind her ear and kissing her forehead lightly while her eyes fell closed.

He knew she had to stay a bit longer in this room but the simple promise of having her be a part of his family soon was comfort enough. He leaned back into his chair in the corner of the Intensive Care unit, not the child's ward but the adult's seeing as she'd been in such a fragile state that she needed constant supervision. Kellin pulled out his cell, typing a group message to Vic and Katelynne.

From Kellin/Kellybear:
She's awake and coming home with me.

He couldn't stop the grin that now spread across his features. He moved back to sit beside her on the bed. He ran his hand through her hair, pushing it back from her drying cheeks and pale skin. Her eyelashes fluttered in her sleep and he tried to calm her in response. He began humming quietly which soon turned into whispered singing.

'If I were you, I'd put that away
See, you're just wasted
And thinking about the past again
Darling you'll be okay'

And he meant it... he meant it with all of his heart. He wouldn't give up until she was okay, until she was happy, until she enjoyed the fact that she was alive. Kellin couldn't figure out just what it was that made him feel the way he did but he also couldn't deny that he loved this little girl like she were his own. He looked at her and saw a shattered chandelier: something so beautiful and intricate but equally broken and damaged. Of course it was easier to glance at the mess and then walk away, but he was determined not to be that person. He was determined to be the one who stopped, looked at her, saw just how broken and beautiful she was, and stooped down to pick up every piece of the destruction and put her back together again.

Notes

Shoutouts to:
bandsaremylife
Musics_my_life

I'm sorry I'm such a sucky author. I'm out of town and having to do this from my iPad, sorry if it sucks or is short or is later than usual... Sorry.

Even so, I hope you enjoy it because this is their beginning. See you soon. Also, I have the next few already written with Jesse in them but I only got one vote anyway... either way, I'll find a way to excuse him sometime fairly soon.

Thank you for staying loyal to this story because you mean more to me than you'll ever know. You are to me what Kellin is to Rowan, my savior.

Thank you,
MM.