A rowdy crowd hummed with excitement, cheering and chanting mixed with murmured conversations, more so than was typical. Rowan stood side-stage beside her ‘family’ patiently, her cheeks still feeling hot as she tried to calm herself and appear as though she’d had a perfectly average afternoon of solitude. Yet, by the same token, some part of Rowan was bursting at the seams to tell someone—anyone—all about it. Still, with Vic on one side and Kellin on the other, she knew saying anything about a boy would not be a wise idea.

Kellin kissed his daughter’s forehead carefully, kneeling down to her height with a warm smile. “Ro, this is the last thing I think we’ll need to do for a while,” he told her hesitantly, “but I think it’d be a good idea for me to say something on stage, that way people will see I’m not hiding behind technology like them. And that I’m proud of you.”

Rowan looked side-long at Vic but he was staring steadfastly at his cell phone, presumably feigning obliviousness to the conversation taking place mere inches from him. Wearily, she nodded at her father, battling to twist her lips into a smile. “If you say so. I– I trust you.”

Kellin shared a look with Vic over Rowan’s shoulder, both of the men feeling the weight of this statement as it fell heavily from the lips of a girl who scarcely trusted her own shadow. “Thank you,” he responded, his voice dripping with ribbons of gratitude and gushing with pride.

Kenny Leath called the band to stage, eliciting a fresh wave of excitement from the crowd at large as the guys bounced on stage with a guttural screech from Rowan’s father to start off the set. They slammed their way through the first two songs, the mass of people singing along. The fact that Sleeping With Sirens played last that day meant they’d have the largest amassed crowd of the day, a thought that didn’t escape Rowan’s keen, skittish notice. Pulling her phone from her pocket, Rowan chewed her lip in thought. She knew that with fame-by-association came users, people would suddenly crop up with false facades of promised friendship only in hopes of gaining some modicum of connection to whomever they fancied. Therefore she braced herself to lose whatever semblance of ‘normalcy’ she’d felt in Tanner’s presence that afternoon once he witnessed her public—for lack of a better term—‘coming-out’.

Her fingers poised precariously over her phone, Rowan contemplated warning Tanner ahead of time. Instead of flat-out launching into an explanation, she hoped to ease her way in before Kellin had a chance to announce it to the whole of the tour. ‘Are you still here at wrpd?’ She typed it quickly and hit send before she could stop herself.

From Tanner:
Ugh no! I wish! I had to leave early to catch the bus home! Am I missing smthg awesome?! D:

Rowan didn’t even attempt to hide her relief at the reply, thinking that she must have more positive karma built up than she’d even realized. She responded casually, not wanting him to google what was going on or check some ‘live stream’ or any such thing.

From Rowan:
Nah, it’s just SWS left and they’ve performed better I think. I don’t know, it’s just so-so

Rowan shoved her phone away, the sweat that’d been dewing at the nape of her neck seeming to evaporate as she realized Tanner wouldn’t hear whatever it was that was about to be said. No sooner had she thought this than the music died out again, Kellin’s out-of-breath voice taking its place. “You guys are fucking amazing tonight,” he began, the answering roar deafening. “Who’s been having a fucking fantastic day here at The.. Warped.. TOUR?!” Again, the audience let loose another animalistic roar. “Now, I don’t know how many of you guys are here as fans of this band and how many are here because your parents aren’t picking you up ‘till the tour packs up and we’re the only band left. Still, I have something I’d like to say to all of you, whether or not you care to listen. Some of you guys are on the Internet a whole-fucking-lot. And that’s pretty cool, I mean, I’m lucky enough to get to connect with so many of you that way.” Whilst Kellin spoke into the mic, pausing occasionally to sip from his Monster can of water, the crowd remained responsive in their cheers and catcalls. As he approached the serious side he’d been navigating towards in this monologue, the crowd seemed to simmer down as well. “So, the majority of those who frequent the interwebs,” Kellin joked, a smattering of laughter his answer, “have seen the recent kick up regarding a certain friend of mine. I wanted to take this minute to introduce her along with calling out a few of my other friends. Guys, why don’t you head on out here!”

From the steps that lead up the back of the stage came a stream of various band members, needing to nudge their way to the stage. A guy bumped into Rowan’s side on his way, revealing himself to be Matty, then apologized and grinned. “You’ll be fine,” he told her before disappearing amidst the growing group accompanying Kellin and SWS.

“Go ahead and say hey, guys!” Kellin urged, passing a spare mic down as almost every member of every band seemed to have magically appeared on the stage, rows upon rows of them. Only Vic stayed at Rowan’s side, out of sight of the crowd. As the introductions came to a close, taking up little time as people talked over each other and said their names with lightning speed, Kellin resumed his position as MC. “That’s right, motherfuckers! Scream it like you mean it!” His encouragement bolstered the crowd’s deafening crowds to almost unbearable levels. As it died down, he spoke again, “Fuck yeah! Now, back to my favorite introduction! Not that I don’t love you guys,” he directed toward the bands on stage, “but you gotta admit she’s a little cuter than you all.”

Andy Biersack, who’d last been passed the spare mic, smirked, “I don’t think you’ll get any protests from anyone up here on that one, brother.”

“Well,” Ben Bruce cut in, leaning over Andy’s shoulder into the mic, “I don’t know, I’m pretty fuckin’ adorable.”

James Cassles whapped his band mate in the back of the head, causing the audience to laugh boisterously along with the Warped Crew on stage. Kellin rolled his eyes exaggeratedly and motioned to Rowan and Vic as he said, “Anyways… this, is Rowan Quinn! My daughter!” And out from the shadows came Rowan, half-hidden behind Vic who led her by a tightly gripped hand. Kellin beamed at her in reassurance as she slowly began to circle Vic before rushing past him and directly to Kellin’s side in the front, center of the stage. The crowd seemed unsure of how to react, some cheers interwoven with a few puzzled outcries. Kellin wrapped one warm arm around Rowan’s trembling shoulders, kissing her forehead both in a private promise to keep her safe and in a public pronouncement of his care for her. “Say hi,” he murmured against her forehead.

“Hello,” she was able to force from her lips through the microphone Kellin held to her. He grinned proudly down at her, his eyes shining with either relief or joy, she couldn’t discern. “Nice to meet you all,” she added, wanting to prolong the looks of admiration and satisfaction gleaming in Kellin’s eyes, and in the eyes of her friends all around her as she chanced a glance back.

Slowly the crowd seemed to make their decisions about her, some cheering kindly while others booed. Kellin’s expression darkened as he heard the harsher things shouted their way, his grip on her tightening as if he could hide her from hearing by burying her away in the fabric of his tee.

“Fuck you, too!” shouted a voice from behind Rowan, apparently coming from Josh Balz (Ryan’s boyfriend who Ro’d met at the last barbecue). This proclamation of defense on her behalf made Rowan’s aching chest and thin breaths seem to become a bit more settled. Still, her discomfort was evident, so much so that Kellin growled lowly in his chest.

“Yeah, really!” called the six-foot-something guy beside Josh—Chris Motionless, Sabrina’s boyfriend, “I’d like to see you guys up here in her shoes! You wouldn’t be so fucking stupid and careless with your ignorant, cowardly comments!”

The harsher comments dissipated as their speakers were called out by their idols for being cruel. Though it was still clear by the expressions on some faces that Rowan wouldn’t be as entirely welcomed as Kellin had made it out, still there were also smiles and a raucous call of ‘Welcome’ from the more forgiving fans. All the while, Kellin had been reciting most of what he’d put in his Twitlonger for the fans here. Rowan felt encouraging glances from behind and turned frequently to see the stage’s inhabitants giving her varying expressions of kindness.

As Kellin finished, he turned his attention also to the crowd behind him rather than the one ahead. “Guys, anything you’d like to add?”

Vic, who’d disappeared between the gaps between groups, appeared and took the mic that was passed to him with a solemn smile. “Hey,” there was very little confusion now, the crowd gave a group shout of glee which settled as Vic signaled for them to quiet down, “thanks guys. I just have to say, I’ve known Rowan the longest aside from Kellin and his family, even if our meeting wasn’t anything near conventional. That being said, I knew from the moment I saw Rowan and Kell together that they were going to be inseparable. They met in the midst of a mutually tough time and were there for each other. Yes, Rowan supported the man you’re all here to see through some really tough moments. I hope you can thank her for that as I have, because it’s largely thanks to her that Kellin is even here right now. He’s been to hell and back recently and I wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to recuperate from the fall he suffered emotionally. But he did, because of this girl right here.” Vic’s domineering stage presence was stowed away most of the time, he’d told Rowan about adapting a ‘switch’ to flip when needed, and now she could see when it was flipped ‘on’ to full blast. He wasn’t brusque or brash, if anything he was soft and calming in his melodic speech, but he commanded the audience entirely. “I am eternally grateful to her for being there for Kellin in ways none of us could’ve done. And I’m glad that Kellin found Rowan as well, because she’s become a little sister to so many of us. She stole our hearts as surely as you tell us that we claimed yours. I hope you can be as welcoming of her as we have been, because she deserves it.”

And with that, the crowd began a clamorous reply of applause and more cheers. Vic nodded, passed the mic back to a tech, brushed his hand over Rowan’s shoulder and left the stage with a wave. More followed, emptying out the stage with hugs and grins thrown Rowan’s way prior to each departure, even from those she hadn’t yet gotten to know. Kellin’s hand on her shoulder remained firm until the stage was once again vacant other than his band mates. He tossed his mic to Matty, who caught it flawlessly from the side-stage, and embraced Rowan with a tight hug that lifted her from the ground swiftly. She returned the hug with all her might, murmuring in his ear, “Love you, Kell.”

“Love you too, sweetheart,” he replied, setting her on her feet and resuming the show with a sly smile toward the audience. “Now!” he began, regrouping their attention, “let’s make sure this whole fucking town knows we’re here! Whattaya say?!”

And with that the opening drum beat to Free Now blasted through the speakers, Rowan watching her father and uncles with rapt attention, her heart forgetting a few beats when Kellin sang the words differently than they were in the original song, instead saying “I’ll sing this song for my daughters, these little beauties they mean the world to me.”

---

An air of thrill enveloped Rowan as she sat next to Vic in the back lounge of Sleeping With Sirens’s bus that evening. The tour wasn’t set to leave for another day and Pierce the Veil decided to invade their friends’ bus. This meant that Jack, Jesse, Jaime, and Tony ended up in the midst of a Guitar Hero war in the front lounge, with the rest of them milling about the small space, waiting for the barbecue to start. Vic had opted to sit in the back with Rowan, Mike, and Justin, all of them engaged in a heated round of a card game called Cash. Vic and Rowan were one team, the other two being each others’ partners. Rowan’s phone vibrated again, the root of her current sense of excitement, and she missed Vic’s pointed comment about his ‘favorite shoes’, which was meant to be Rowan’s cue to call Cash. She was invested in reading the text that lit up her screen and consequently Mike and Justin got the point.

“Rowan!” Vic crowed like a wounded animal, throwing his cards into the pile to be shuffled for a new round. But Rowan barely heard him, her eyes instead zeroed in on her cell.

From Tanner:
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see

From Tanner:
If you were a tropical fruit you'd be a Fine-apple

Rowan blushed furiously, Tanner and been sending her cheesy pick-up lines for the past hour—ever since she’d joked that he was as ‘smooth as sand-paper’—and they still made her embarrassed and flattered. They were getting increasingly funny, making her giggle softly. Vic, who’d been playfully pouting and waiting for her to notice, heard this and shot the other two a quizzical look. Vic was sitting directly across from Rowan, Justin and Mike on either side of him, so he hoped one of them could see her phone better. Mike tried to peek but the angle at which she was holding it made that difficult. Another text came in and this one made Rowan giggle much less privately.

From Tanner:
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way

Rowan was red as a tomato, her skin hot and her heart beat in her ears, but she was too lost in her own world to care, or to realize that her playmates were cottoning on to her behavior.

“Andrew again?” Vic asked her, needing to cough and repeat himself before she looked up, blinking in confusion at him.

“Huh?” she began, then noticed that everyone was watching her curiously and blushed harder still. “Oh, um, yeah. He, uh, made a really funny joke.”

“Oh yeah?” Justin challenged, “What was it?”

“You, uh, you wouldn’t get it,” she said dismissively. “Whose turn is it?”

“We won,” Mike said, smirking at how much she resembled a dear in headlights. “Before we start another round, I’m grabbing snacks. Want anything?”

He stood up, setting down the cards he’d been shuffling, and peered at them. Justin nodded, “I’ll came see what there is. Guys?”

“Uh, ‘m fine,” Rowan said, trying to suppress her smile as her phone vibrated again. Vic shook his head and the guys left. Now that it was just Rowan and Vic she felt even more caught, unable to make eye contact with him, choosing to stare at her phone as another text came through.

From Tanner:
Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got fine written all over you

Rowan leaned back against the couch from her place on the floor, tucking her legs to her chest and biting her lip as she attempted yet again to hide her grin. She didn’t even notice Vic coming to sit next to her, only realizing he was there when he sucked in a breath.

“Tanner, huh?” he started, his voice taking on a gruff, haughty tone like the fathers in black and white movies from the ’50’s whenever the daughter wears something that shows her knees. “And just who is that?”

“No one,” Rowan hurriedly spat in a beguiling nature, locking her phone and shoving it between her stomach and her thighs, an attempt at hiding it altogether.

“C’mon, Ro, out with it,” he pressed in that same sonorous tone, and she knew she was caught. Rowan rubbed the back of her neck and did everything in her power to avoid eye-contact.

“Just a friend,” she conceded, hoping to mollify him and end the discussion there.

“Where’d you meet this ‘friend’?” Vic quizzed officiously, still watching her closely, making it increasingly difficult for her to stay focused on not looking guilty.

“In the venue today. At the, um, skate ramp.” Rowan impishly wrapped and unwrapped a curl around her finger, not wanting Vic to see just how much these texts affected her.

“What’s he saying?” Vic asked, his voice a bit more subdued as he realized she was already nervous. He couldn’t imagine how hard this must be for her, already very fragile but battling with the fact that she was still a teen girl and still felt things whether she liked it or not.

“Just trying to be funny or whatever,” Rowan supplied, chancing a glance up at her uncle as his inflection had softened. His brows were furrowed and he seemed to be fighting some internal battle but as he noticed her eyes on him he fought to smile in reassurance.

“Is he cute?” Vic asked abruptly, causing Rowan to flush crimson all over again. He had to swallow a chuckle at the look of discomfort this question caused her, meaning the answer was a big, fat yes.

“I dunno,” she shrugged, trying to come across as though she hadn’t even thought of such a thing before.

“Do you like him?” Vic went on, now needing to gnaw on his lip to keep from smirking at Rowan’s expression that was a mixture of pain, embarrassment, and desperation.

“What? Ew, no!” she replied, much too quickly. She couldn’t meet his eyes again and busied herself with attempting to straighten out the bent corner of the King of Clubs card.

“Rowan,” Vic pressed, all amusement suddenly draining from his voice, causing her attention to flip back to him in panic. “You know that, well,” he seemed to be searching for the right words, continuing slowly and deliberately, “you know Kellin would want to know about your new… friend.” She nodded warily, knowing Kellin wouldn’t take well to the idea. “And, uh, you know we’re leaving tomorrow night, right?”

Rowan heaved a sigh, trying not to resent Vic for bringing up a topic she preferred to avoid for now. “Yeah,” she replied shortly, not wishing to expound on something she found saddening just now.

“And,” he went on, a lot on his mind with this new information that he felt compelled to have out in the open, “you know you can talk to us, right? Me, or Kell, or any of us? We’re here.” Rowan refocused on the cards, now straightening them, and willed Mike and Justin to hurry up. “Rowan,” Vic said, again in an attempt to gain her attention, but she only hummed lowly to let him know she was listening. “I just, I want you to be aware that, well, teenage boys… they might not think quite like you do. They aren’t usually able to distinguish between what they want and what you’re okay with. They, um, have only one thing in mind…”

As Vic’s words tailed off, Rowan felt herself blush the hardest she had ever done, desperate for some cool air as she felt much too hot. Feeling suffocated by the stuffy room, she twisted her hair into a knot on her head, tying it off with a hair tie from her wrist. She silently begged whoever might hear her to interrupt this awkward conversation, not knowing how the hell to respond. She peeked up at Vic, finding him to be watching her already, and ran her hands over her face for nothing more than something to do.

“Fuck me,” Rowan cursed quietly, not realizing the implications of her common term, and then began a coughing fit as she tried to explain she hadn’t meant that as anything other than a substitute for ‘oh my god’.

“Uh,” Vic stalled, his eyes having bugged out of his head at her bluntness. “Jesus,” he breathed, his face crumpling at the mental image her words had stirred up in his mind, “oh, God.” Clearly, he didn’t want to be having this conversation any more than she did, especially not now that he truly considered the idea of some ignorant, hormone-driven teenage guy putting his hands on Rowan. A shiver born of sheer disgust raced down his spine.

“I meant– I mean, ugh! No! Not like that!” Rowan groaned, flopping back so that her head was against the couch as she glared up at the ceiling, “Vic, I– Ugh! Let’s not have this talk.”

“Trust, I do not want to talk about this. At all. But you need to hear it,” he seemed to be trying to convince himself more than her. “If this ‘Tanner’,” he said the name as if it was some slur or ridiculous nickname, “puts his hands on you, or any guy for that matter, you tell him to fuck off. Seriously, I know you’re not, like, a baby or anything but believe me when I say you need to think with your head, not with your hormones.”

Rowan scoffed in the back of her throat, not wanting Vic to hear the sound, and crossed her arms tightly over her chest, “Okay, got it. Is that all?”

“No,” he replied, not a bit more enthused than she, “like I said, you gotta talk to Kell if you plan on seeing this kid again before we go.” Rowan opened her mouth to protest, not impressed with his insinuation that she couldn’t handle herself. She felt a pang in her chest as she pined for the days when she could take to the streets for days at a time and needn’t report to anyone on her whereabouts. Instantly she began berating herself for thinking of such a time as anything but what it was, tantamount to living death. “Also, I… I want you to know that you’re a great girl, so don’t think that pushing one boy away means you’ll never date again. There’ll be another after him, and another after that. Kellin and I will have to take up tae-kwon-do or something to keep ‘em all away!” he joked, but then seemed to pause, and reflect, possibly contemplating how to phrase what he wished to say next. “And, well…”

Vic trailed off again and Rowan was left to wonder what he’d been about to say. He had placed aside whatever it was, instead he did something Rowan found mystifying, terrifying, and perfect all at once. He reached one arm behind her, wrapping it around her thin shoulders, and pulled her closer to him. Now, this wasn’t the first time she’d been hugged, especially not lately, but it was the first time any male other than Kellin had presented themselves as a source of prolonged comfort. Rowan’s head, without permission from her brain, lolled onto his shoulder as she leaned into his embrace greedily. She didn’t feel that usual fear, that panic that seized her each and every time she was touched by anyone other than her adoptive parents. Instead, she felt herself grow sluggish and softened by his motion, comforted into a pleased torpor. Vic’s hand, the one over her shoulders, began to rub up and down her arm consolingly, as if he could sense just how deep her fears ran and just how much a simple interaction with a boy could upset her.

No more words were exchanged, none were needed, and so it was quiet aside from their patterned breathing which only served to further lull them into blissful stupors. Rowan found herself with her legs folded up, her knees laying atop Vic’s outstretched legs, and her hands loosening from their taught cross, falling into her lap listlessly. Rowan wasn’t sure when her lids slipped closed but what seemed to be one long blink ended and she opened her eyes to find the cards picked up from their scattered place on the floor and a blanket thrown over her and Vic. She blearily gazed up at Vic, finding him to still be asleep, and pulled her phone from beneath the cover, quickly sliding the brightness to its lowest notch before fully unlocking it to find three new texts from Tanner.

From Tanner:
My doctor says I’m lacking Vitamin U

From Tanner:
You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my next pickup line

From Tanner:
Hey, Rowan, can I call you?

Rowan saw the last text was delivered over two hours before and felt her stomach drop. Her fingers flying over the keyboard, she tapped out a reply.

From Rowan:
Shit! Sorry! I passed out playing cards with my uncles! Lol! But I can probs call in like five or so? If you’re still up??

She realized there was a good chance he’d already forgotten about her entirely in her absence, sighing in shame and disappointment as five minutes of staring fixedly at her cell brought forth no reply. Another five passed and she felt an all too familiar sense of exorbitantly exacerbated misery settle in her stomach. She’d been silly to get her hopes up, he was just a boy. In fact, he was an attractive boy who was nearly two years older, why had he taken an interest in her anyway? It was probably all a joke to him, he’d led her on as a game, and she’d fallen for it.
Hugging her arms around herself, Rowan closed her eyes and leaned into Vic's side again, finding solace in his sleepy mumblings. To her utter shock and elation, Rowan’s phone vibrated.

From Tanner:
It’s fine, lol! I’m up. Call u in 7?

Rowan’s heart sped up yet again, she thought hard about how she could slip from the room without waking Vic. Just as she decided to try switching herself out for a pillow that was just out of arm’s reach, she looked up to see Vic blinking blearily back down at her. He stifled a yawn and smiled.

“What’s… Wait, what was his name again?”

“Tanner,” Rowan offered with a sheepish grin.

“Yeah, him. What’s he saying now?” Vic rubbed the hand that was thrown over her shoulder up and down her arm as he pulled his own phone out, checking the time before dropping it back in his pocket.

“Well, he’s– uh, he’s asked if he can call me in a few minutes.” She decided not to even try to hide her smile this time, she was nervous and thrilled all at once and amidst all of these emotions she had no room for embarrassment.

“Do you… want some privacy?” Vic seemed to struggle to form the question, clearly not thrilled with the concept of leaving her alone to talk to a boy. But, though Kellin might strangle him if he discovered this decision, Vic couldn’t deny the part of him that was happy to see Rowan worrying about something so… adolescent, and couldn’t help but encourage it.

“Oh, um,” Rowan’s skin heated again, she wasn’t planning on talking about anything she wouldn’t want overheard but the implication still made her blush… so, if she didn’t think she needed it, why did she still want to usher him from the room? Yet, by the same token, she wanted to curl up in his lap and make him hold her hand through the whole conversation. Battling these opposing desires, Rowan paused and chewed her lip. Seeing the time—she now had only two minutes—her snap-choice was made as she nodded. “If you don’t mind.”

“If you tell Kellin about this we’re both dead,” he warned, then grinned at her. “And if that… what’s-his-name-kid–”

“–Tanner!–” Rowan butted in, rolling her eyes as she knew he was purposefully not giving Tanner the respect of having a name until he ‘earned it’.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. If Tanner says anything you don’t wanna hear, you hang up and call me.” Vic kissed her temple lightly before striding, not toward the door, but toward the ladder mounted to the wall in the far back corner. He climbed up and disappeared through the hatch. Rowan decided to ask him later where that led, for now she tried to steady her breathing.

Brrrb, brrrrb. In a split second she had slid to answer the call and had the cell pressed in white-knuckled fingers to her ear. Suddenly she was struck with the desire to run from the room and demand Vic come back. She shook it off but still fought to speak around the block in her throat.

“Hello?” Tanner greeted, saving Rowan from having to speak first, something for which she was very grateful.

“Hi,” she squeaked in a voice many pitches above her normal low tone. Coughing, she shook her head at no one in particular. “Um, hey.”

“What’s up?” he continued. Rowan wished desperately that there was some course called Being A Teen Girl 101, or How to Talk to Boys Without Permanently Scarring Yourself with Shame.

“I was just hanging out with my uncle. But he, uh, he… left?” The statement produced itself before her brain could catch up with her mouth and resulted in some odd form of a question. “And, uh, you?”

Tanner chuckled and Rowan worried she’d said the wrong thing and humiliated herself. That’s how you responded to ‘What’s up?’ right? What did she do wrong now?!

When he replied, his voice was soft and subdued, like people sound when they lie on their backs in bed. “Just chillin’,” he told her casually. “I was watching some TV on Netflix, then I decided to call this pretty girl I dig.”

Rowan absently wondered what he’d been watching, realizing that she wanted to ask him. And to ask what his least favorite food was. And what his happiest childhood memory was. “Well, you better go call her then,” Rowan teased. Her lame attempt at a joke was met with a throaty chuckle that made her own throat seem to get smaller.

“Have you had a chance to ask your dad about tomorrow?” he questioned once the small laughter dried out.

“Um, no,” she began, bracing herself for him to tell her to fuck off then. “He works really late, he hasn’t gotten home yet and he’s gotta stop for this business dinner and my mom’s not feeling well so he’s gotta stop to get her some cough medicine and–”

“–Whoa,” he breathed, “hey, I’m sorry. That sounds pretty hectic. If you can’t hang tomorrow I totally get it.”

“No, no!” she burst out, “It’s nothing. Really. I’d like to… hang out, if you still want to…”

“Okay, cool,” and there was a smile in his voice again. It was quiet a moment and Rowan panicked, wracking her brain from something to say that didn’t make her sound like a bumbling imbecile. She was saved by Tanner speaking again, his voice a lulling hum, like the words you whisper to someone just before slipping into unconsciousness. “Hey, Rowan?”

“Yeah,” she murmured, her voice just as low and silky and kind.

“Do you ever feel like you want one minute to last forever, even if you don’t entirely know what to do with it?”

Rowan thought that over, really wanting to embrace the words. The question laced itself between the cells of her skin first, making it erupt with goose bumps. Did she feel that way? Yes. Many times. The moment that Kellin asked her to move in with his family was one of those moments. Though she was refusing to speak at the time, and she had been stunned into silence by the question anyway, she still found that to be a particularly exquisite moment… someone had finally wanted her, she wasn’t so worthless after all. Next, the simple inquiry seeped into her muscles and bones, making her forget how to stand. She remembered the last night before they’d left for tour—the way that Kellin, sitting on one side of her on the couch, had gazed at his wife and baby, sitting on her other side, as they all watched a movie together. She’d watched his eyes ghost over the three girls around him with undeniable bliss, gratitude, peace, and a dash of regret.

“Sorry,” Tanner’s voice derailed her train of thought, shaking Rowan from her reverie. “That was a weird thing to say…”

“No, not at all!” she rushed, then settled herself and tried to answer with all of the passion she could muster for only having been on the call for a few minutes. “I just, I guess I just realized how many times I’ve felt that way. I… I get it.”

“Good,” Tanner said, sounding relieved and also a bit… well, she couldn’t put her finger on it. He sounded a tad… false? But not in the way she was used to. It was more like he was thinking more than he was letting on. Still, it made her weary.

“I, uh, better go check on my mom,” she mumbled by way of an excuse.

“Oh,” he breathed, sounding quite disheartened. “Alright, well, text me?”

“Sure,” she agreed. She again worried, this time on how she was to say bye. “I’ll, er, text you in a bit then.”

“Goodnight, Rowan.” Hearing her name in such a way left Rowan breathless, but she swallowed just enough air to reply.

“Goodnight.”

Rowan hung up the call with clammy fingers, the full weight of what she was doing with this kid crashing down on her with the force of a tsunami. Before she realized what she was doing she had dropped her phone and run to the ladder. She gripped the bars, needing to wipe her hands on her clothes to keep from slipping, and flew up the rungs. She unlatched the hatch and pushed it up, looking directly up into a dusky summer sky. She peered curiously around herself, finding that she’d climbed to the top of the bus, before catching sight of Vic sitting crosslegged in the middle of the whole thing. Cautiously, but still with adrenaline coursing through her veins like some intoxicating drug, she pushed herself up to crawl across the roof, not daring to stand up for fear of falling in her dizzy state.

Vic turned to her at the sound of a set of bony knees clanking against the roof, “Rowan?” he asked concernedly.

“Hey,” she tried to sound casual as she rushed to his side and sat with her thighs to her chest, her chin on her knees, and her arms locked firmly around her legs.

“Are you, uh, already done?” he was trying to find the source of her upset without her cottoning on.

“I… just… I guess.” She had to resist the urge to lean into him again, afraid he would over react to her craving for affection and tell Kellin. Besides, she despised showing weakness, no matter how many strides toward openness she’d made.

Vic once again tossed his arm over her shoulder and, despite the summer heat and Rowan’s racing heart, it was comfortable to lean into his side. “Talk about anything exciting?” he asked in a taunting voice, meaning to make light of it.

“Oh yeah, we talked about quantum physics, and existential literature, and Romanticism in poetry, and–”

Vic chuckled at her sarcastic drawl, bumping his ribs into her shoulder playfully, “Absolutely riveting.”

“Yeah, and then we talked about heading to a sex store and the possibility of a threesome and–”

“Oh God,” he shivered violently enough to make Rowan tremble too, and she had to bite back a wry laugh. “You should hang out with my brother more, you two have the same sense of humor. Wait, on second thought, you two should never talk. I can handle it in small doses but I do not want to imagine the conversations you two could wind up in.”

Despite her lingering discomfort, Rowan chuckled softly. “I’d like to see.”

“I wouldn’t,” he retorted, also letting loose a small laugh.

“Hey, Vic?” Rowan started, contemplating the best way to go about the next topic.

“Yes, Rowan?”

“You know how you said I needed to talk to someone if I wanted to… well…”

“Rowan, hold on,” she looked up to see Vic had turned green, “I don’t know if I can handle it. I can’t, I mean I can’t stop you, but you’re only thirteen!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!” she struggled, “I just wanted to hang out with him! Not jump his bones!”

Vic let out a long sigh of relief, “Oh, thank fuck!”

“So…?” she prodded when he didn’t expound on his statement.

“I’m still recovering,” he panted, his hand gripping her arm tightly, “gimmie a sec.”

So she did. Rowan took a moment to look out over the horizon, seeing various members of the tour scattered around and feeling the thrum of the bass from the mini-party taking place within the bus beneath them. A few minutes later, Vic’s vice-like-hold on her upper arm relaxed.

“Okay,” he said, “let’s do this.”

He took her hand, helped her to stand carefully, and guided her back to the hatch. After returning to the back lounge, Vic nodded toward to front of the bus.

The front was bustling with activity as Vic pushed through to Kellin, who was sitting on the couch near the front door.

“Hey, man,” Kellin greeted his friend, his next words flowing out in the form of one long, muddy word, “wassup?”

Vic put his hand on the small of Rowan’s back and nudged her lightly to take a step closer to her father, “I think you two need to go somewhere to talk.”

All color drained from Kellin’s face as he gripped her shoulders and began to look her over as if he’d find some bone protruding from the skin to explain the eerie statement. Finding nothing on her body, Kellin took his daughter’s hand and stood, walking toward the door with a small nod toward Vic.

Once outside, Kellin led her to the fence that met the back of the line of busses, meaning they were surrounded on three sides. Rowan was silently panicking, trying to seem calm and collected all the while. No sooner had they stopped than Kellin had rounded on her with a flurry of concerns, “Are you okay? What’s wrong? Did Vic say something? I’m sorry for leaving you alone for so long, I just thought you were enjoying yourself, I–”

“Kell! I’m fine!” she swiftly assured him, “I just, I wanted to talk to you about… something… But you have to swear you’ll stay calm. No heart-attacks or aneurysms.”

Kellin looked relieved at first, then more skeptical than before. “Okay… I guess…”

“I made a friend today,” she felt herself tiptoeing across a tight-rope, terrified to miss a step, as she approached this oh so sensitive topic. “And I was invited to hang out with them tomorrow.”

Kellin’s eyebrows disappeared beneath his shaggy, inky fringe. “Seriously?”

“Wow, don’t worry about making me feel like an exhibit in a zoo…” she muttered snippily to herself, stung by his raw shock.

“I don’t mean it like that, I just… wow, that’s great.” But he didn’t seem as sure in his voice as his words made him out to be. “But, when? I mean, we have to pack up and be out of here by eleven tomorrow night…”

“We’ll be done long before then,” she agreed, fighting to keep the hope bubbling in her chest to a low-simmer. “So I can?”

“Well, who is she? I’d like to meet her,” he went on, smiling at her hesitantly.

Rowan’s stomach dropped as her foot slipped, sending her plummeting from the high rope to the ground in the blink of an eye. “Well, it’s not… he’s kinda a Sleeping With Sirens fan… and I’m afraid he’d maybe geek out.”

“Wait, huh?!” Kellin spluttered, “A boy?! No way, nope.”

“That’s not fair!” Rowan stomped her foot, going on the attack despite the sensible part of her brain that told her acting immature wouldn’t help her case. “He’s really nice! And that’s sexist! You were about to let me go out with a girl!”

“Go out with?! So it’s a date?! You’re way too young! That’s ludicrous!” Kellin fought back, his fists balled up at his sides as he glowered down at her, obviously fighting to keep his composure while he battled his over-protective instincts.

“No! Stop! I didn’t mean it to sound like that! You’re twisting my words!” she continued to fold her arms tightly together to keep from flailing them around like a pouty child. “We just wanted to go see a movie or get lunch or something! It’s his birthday and he doesn’t have anyone to spend it with!”

“How old?” he asked, uncomfortably calm.

“What?” she asked, disarmed by his relaxed demeanor.

“How old is he?” he pressed, his voice still subdued.

“…Fifteen,” she finally replied, anger draining from her as Kellin approached his upset in a way she’d never before encountered, making her feel like she was missing sight or hearing, something vital that she relied upon to function.

“No way,” he cooly stated.

“But why?!” she fought, enraged by his dismissal.

“Because he’s fifteen!” Kellin argued calmly, his eyes softened but firm.

She glared back with an icy stare that chilled Kellin to the bone, though he’d never admit that to her. She might not be used to being parented, but he wasn’t going to back down just because she was stubborn. Kids needed boundaries, and she was pushing them.

“And I’m thirteen,” she groaned back, rolling her eyes and stamping her foot again.

“Exactly, and you’re under my legal care. And I’m saying no.”

Rowan leveled his gaze, hers still as hard as sapphires. “I took care of myself before, I’ll do it again.”

This crossed a line. Rowan realized as soon as she said it how much she regretted her words. She didn’t want to lose Kellin and his family over a boy. It wasn’t Tanner that she was even all that upset about, it was more so the loss of control. The feeling that she was being treated like some tantrum-throwing-toddler when she was so used to her independence. Kellin’s eyes, which had been carefully controlled, widened as if he’d been slapped.

“Fuck!” Rowan cursed, taking a step back, her back now pressed to the chain of the fence, as she tried to reverse what’d been said. “I didn’t mean that! I really didn’t! I just, ugh! This is fucking weird for me! I don’t like being bossed around!”

“Rowan,” Kellin cut in, “that’s what it’s like to have a dad. You may not always like it. I’ll have to make you eat your greens and turn off your phone before you go to bed and not to go certain places. But it’s not to control you or boss you around, I’m not trying to have power or anything. I just care. I’m saying this because I love you.”

Something in his eyes still seemed wounded and Rowan nodded, shamefaced, as she locked her sights on her shoes. “I– I know,” she told him. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he pressed, running his hand over his face as he tended to do when he was nervous or distraught. “Look, I don’t want to set the precedent that if you fight me you’ll get what you want. That’s not how this is going to go… But, maybe I was too harsh…”

Rowan sighed softly, “Kellin, it’s not even a big deal, forget that I asked.”

But just as Rowan could read him, Kellin could see how flat her eyes went behind the faint flickers of anger as she offered to forget it. “No, that’s not what I want. Just, as long as you’re not gone too long and you keep in contact with me… I guess it’ll be okay. I’m not thrilled about it but… I want you to be happy.”

It was awkward, as it rarely ever was around Kellin, and Rowan struggled to thank him for something that she really didn’t think should’ve been a fight in the first place. Still, she could feel the tension between them and therefore forced a small, “Thank you, Kell,” from her lips.
They exchanged looks and faux-nonchalance as they reentered the bus, Rowan choosing to go straight to bed. She’d stopped by to grab her phone first and checked her messages before seeing none, accepting her shot, and turning in for the night, anxious beyond belief at the thought of the next day.

---

Rowan woke late the next day, it was nearing noon and she heard a feeble protest from her stomach. Checking her phone yet again, she found a good morning text from Tanner as well as an invitation to meet him at the local movie theater around four. Realizing she was now running out of time, she jumped out of her bunk, knocking her knees and head and right elbow into the wood. Limping and rubbing at her bruising forehead, she hobbled into the kitchen.

Kellin smiled upon seeing her from his place on the couch but Rowan could see through it, he was still upset. Well, as much as she hated to upset him she felt it was necessary this time. He was being too overprotective and she needed to make her own decisions, she wasn’t a baby and he needed to realize that.

The others instantly went quiet and conspiratorial grins spread across their faces. Rowan said a quiet, rushed good morning and hurried to make herself a bowl of cereal, still stealing glances at the guys around the room. “Okay,” she finally said, fixing them with glares, “what are you all smirking about? Is there something on my face?”

“Why don’t you ask Tanner?” Justin teased, igniting a pink flush over Rowan’s skin. The guys chuckled at the joke but all maintained an almost intimidating air. ‘Almost’ being the key word, as they still seemed too huggable to truly put anyone off. Still, the effort they were putting into appearing angry made Rowan squirm.

“Very funny,” she muttered dryly, “I’ll just be getting ready then, in case anyone over the age of twelve in the bus cares.”

Kellin nodded at her before cutting the guys a look that told them expressly how unamused he was at their attitude. Rowan smiled with gratitude and ducked back into the bathroom. Their bus was one of the few that had a filled water tank, curtesy of Kellin’s insistence that having a girl aboard meant they’d need water whenever possible. Therefore Rowan was able to take a quick shower, she even used the Nair the girls had bought. She wrapped herself in a towel and darted to the back lounge where her suitcases were, locking the door in her wake, and began to ransack the bags. She found a dress and tights that seemed acceptable for an afternoon out, not that she had any experience whatsoever on which to base her assumption. Nevertheless, Rowan rushed around trying to ready herself for something that seemed more terrifying by the minute. It was about three when she finally felt ready enough to walk out to the front of the bus, stopping only to swipe on a coat of black lipstick, check for smudges in her heavy eye make up, and run her fingers through her flat-ironed locks. Feeling as confident as she ever had in an outfit she’d chosen herself, Rowan took a deep breath and pushed the door aside. The guys were all playing video games and therefore didn’t noticed her at first. Rowan cleared her throat loudly, catching their attention, and instantly regretted it.

Despite her initial confidence, Rowan’s hesitant grin began to twitch and fall as she waited for a reaction from the blank faces staring back at her. Jesse smiled slightly at first, a crooked grin that did little to soothe Rowan’s ever-growing sense of panic.

“Wow,” Jesse said, and the others seemed to release a breath of air they’d all been simultaneously holding.

“You look hot,” Justin said, his voice raising in pitch as if in shock more than anything else. Again, Rowan’s unease persisted. She couldn’t even manage to twist her lips into a smile of gratitude, she was focused on the fact that Kellin had yet to respond at all. The other guys chuckled and agreed and complemented and praised, but Kellin’s expression was stoic. “But you know we’ve gotta meet his kid, set him straight, right?”

That woke Rowan, she blinked in surprise and frowned, “No, no you’re not.”

“Please,” Jack scoffed, “you’re not running off to hang out with some boy we’ve never even met! We’ve gotta make sure he isn’t some sort of douche.”

“No way!” Rowan exclaimed, her new boot hitting the floor in an indignant stomp. “He’s a fan! He doesn’t know I know you guys right now, if he did… I couldn’t exactly enjoy myself around him. It’d be so awkward!”

“Well, he’s a teenage boy!” Gabe retorted, “It’ll be awkward anyway! C’mon, Kells, back us up here.”

“Let her do her thing,” Kellin said, his voice distant and detached. It sent a chill racing down Rowan’s spine. “Where are you meeting him?”

Rowan realized in that moment that the smart thing to do would be to back down. To realize that Tanner would be but a dot in her rear view mirror in a matter of days and that the man who really mattered to her was her father. But, and perhaps it was the adolescence in her, she instead jutted her chin out and puffed up her chest. “The movie theater. At four.”

“I’ve arranged a ride for you, so I’ll walk you to it.” Kellin wasn’t cruel or rude, simply unaffected. His aloofness was what unnerved Rowan the most. Her heart raced and her stomach dropped and her hands became slick with sweat. But nevertheless her stubbornness prevailed and she picked up her purse sharply, marching in Kellin’s wake amidst oblivious catcalls from her family.
Rowan bit her tongue and stomped alongside her father for a few feet, finally sighing as she demanded, “Who’s driving me?”

They were mere feet from the bus and Kellin rounded on her, his eyes alight with inexplicable fierceness that wasn’t there before—speaking to some yet unexpressed decision he’d made in the moments since they’d left the bus—and his lips twitching at the corners. “Rowan, I can’t pretend I’m okay with this. You’re staying here.”

All doubt suddenly vanished from Rowan as soon as Kellin seemed to take the reins. No longer did she care that she might be making an impulsive and selfish choice, she was furious with his attempt to control her. “You keep saying you want me to be normal?! Well, this is normal! Normal teen girls get to go on dates! They get crushes and dress up and have fun!”

“They also have curfews and obey their parents and get grounded!” Rowan could practically hear his teeth gnashing against each other as he fought to keep his voice level. “Look at you! You don’t look thirteen! You look like you’re fucking twenty! You’re wearing way too much make up and you’re showing too much skin!”

Rowan’s ‘exposed’ skin was on fire, she felt a sting behind her eyes and before she could stop them tears began to drop from the corners of her thickly lined lids. “Fuck you!” she shouted, vaguely aware that the bus’s door had opened and eyes were on the pair. “You’re just mad that I’m having fun without you! You’re not the only good thing in my life anymore, Kellin! I can handle myself!”

“Go back inside,” Kellin ordered, his volume barely contained and his eyes wild.

Rowan stood her ground, vehemently proclaiming, “No! I’m going out!”

“Not dressed like that you’re not! You look ridiculous! Go inside and change right now, young lady!”

Rowan’s tears continued to stream, their tracks creating unflattering streaks of black. She tried to scrub them away but found her hand to be smeared with black lipstick as well. Embarrassment began to catch fire in her veins, spreading to every cell within her with eager flames. She knew now that her make up was ruined, the concealer she’d slathered her scars with was running from the sweat she felt coating her skin. It was mortifying. She looked around to find the guys looking clueless as to how to help, as well as a few other band and crew members strewn around them. Rowan locked eyes with Tay and regretted it as soon as she saw the flickers of pity lighting her brown eyes. Rowan looked once again at Kellin to find the man huffing and puffing, still angry and intimidating, and Rowan took off running. She wasn’t sure where she was headed but all that mattered was getting away from where she started. Kellin was hot on her heels, calling after her in heated tones that served to only push her further. Rowan darted between two rows of busses and found herself near a bright green bus she recognized as Pierce the Veil’s. The guys were hanging around outside, allowing them to clearly see her in her panicked state.

“Ro?” Vic called, confusion apparent in his voice, but Rowan didn’t respond. She continued to weave between busses as best she could, now with a chorus of calls following her. Rowan stopped only upon running directly into another body. Looking up she saw Jenna smiling down at her. Once Jenna took in her messy make up and red eyes, however, she gaped at the younger girl.

“What’s happened, chickie?” Jenna asked concernedly, her hands on Rowan’s shoulders.

Rowan checked over her shoulders frantically but the calls were still far off, “I’ll explain later,” she said hurriedly, her voice thick with tears and her breathing labored, “please just get me out of here.”

“C’mon, babe,” Jenna agreed without question, taking the girl’s hand and leading her into a bus. “My band’s out, so it’s just us,” she went on, leading Rowan to sit on the couch near the front. “Now, tell me what’s up.”

“I have a date–” Rowan began, and Jenna squealed girlishly.

“Where? When? With who?!” Jenna fired off questions at lightning speed and if Rowan wasn’t so distressed she might’ve laughed. As it was she sighed fondly and replied.

“Movies. In five minutes. A guy named Tanner.”

Jenna’s kind eyes searched Rowan’s, her expression worried. “So why were you running, crying, and hiding instead?”

“I– I feel so stupid. I look horrible, I don’t know who I thought I was kidding. No one would want to date me, why did I even try?!” Rowan’s already uneven breaths began morphing into something dangerously close to gasps. Jenna extended her hand to soothingly clasp Rowan’s, clearly at a loss as to how to help.

“Hold on, love,” Jenna said gently, pulling Rowan into a hug. “I think I know how to make this right.”

---

The hurricane of Rowan’s emotions had been lulled—by comforting hands and soft music played in the background—into a quiet storm. Her make up had been stripped off, her make-up stained dress balled up in a corner and her hair twisted back. Rowan was distantly aware that her scars were mostly visible but didn’t know how to fix that problem as she was currently wearing an oversized tee shirt that Jenna said belonged to one of her bandmates. Jenna had done everything she could to comfort Rowan, even taking the girl’s phone to text Tanner and that there was a family incident and she’d be late. He seemed fine with that, telling her he’d see her at eight instead.

Jenna set her own phone down on the couch and rubbed her hand in circles on Rowan’s back, saying kind things and trying to distract the distraught girl. A moment later the door opened and Tay walked in carrying two bags that looked like the one Rowan stored her shower stuff in. She had that same softly-sorry smile that made Rowan feel worse but Tay meant it in the best way. She set the bag down and offered Rowan a hug. She accepted greedily and let the warmth of human contact, however new the phenomenon was to her, soothe her further. Before Tay had a chance to sit the door popped open again, this time revealing Sabrina who had another bag in her hand and set it down beside Tay’s, smiling kindly at Rowan. Ryan and Allie followed, Ash in their wake, and Lights and Rocket brought up the rear. The pattern continued so steadily that Rowan began to think they should just install a turnstile. The near-wordlessness with which they greeted her, or the occasional giggle and comment about being ‘hot stuff’, told her this was what Jenna had been cooking up. She’d texted these girls obviously, filled them in, and was cooking something up to cure Rowan's blues.

Though she appreciated the effort and did feel a bit better, Rowan knew her sadness was deeper than a girl’s day. Her fears and her insecurities were washing over her in tidal waves, her most prominent thoughts being self-hatred as she realized Kellin had been right, she’d looked ridiculous and she was an idiot to think this was anything special. She was surely another notch in Tanner’s belt, she meant nothing. Mixed with that she also felt white hot anger at Kellin for saying such hurtful things to someone he knew to be fragile enough as it was, and to top it off absolute terror that Kellin wouldn't want her anymore and she'd be left in the cold to try and survive again. The thing was, once upon a time Rowan had the thick skin and layers of protection of a whale, she could handle keeping herself warm. But since Kellin came into the picture she'd become domesticated and dependent, she'd had her layers upon layers of protective covering torn from her which left her exposed to the cold, but she'd been offered alternative means of warmth by way of closeness to caring people. Now, however, if she was to be stranded in Antartica once more she'd no longer be equipped to withstand the icy cruelty alone.

As her thoughts grew increasingly shrouded in depression, Rowan withdrew from all attempts at conversation, pulling her legs up to her chest and staring blankly at her scarred knees. She was shaken from her internal monologue by Rocket who’d toddled over to where Rowan perched on the couch and began patting her tiny hand against Rowan’s leg to gain the girl’s attention. Forcing herself to look up, Rowan found Rocket to be holding out her miniature stuffed monkey, her comfort object, in an offer of peace. Rowan, another stray tear finding its way down her cheek, took the toy with shaking fingers and clutched it to her chest in gratitude, causing Rocket to beam. Rowan set the toy to the side and instead picked Rocket herself up, letting the baby settle in her lap and kissing the crown of her head as she did with Copeland.

“Thank you so much,” Rowan gushed, handing Rocket the toy. Rocket took it back but also grabbed ahold of Rowan’s pointer finger, babbling in baby-talk and looking up at Rowan with her perpetually concerned and precious face. Rowan felt a surprisingly genuine grin spread her lips and she kissed Rocket’s forehead again.

“You wanna hold onto to her while we have our fun?” Lights asked, snapping Rowan back into the present moment, finding all eyes on her.

“Sorry,” Rowan blurted instantly, somehow feeling guilty for holding Rocket.

Lights chuckled, “Don’t be. Bring her over here with you,” she said, patting the bench seat at the table that had been overtaken by brushes and compacts and palettes.

Rowan did, carrying Rocket with her to sit at the table, playing with the monkey toy and its owner while the Ladies of Warped Tour attacked her face with fresh make up. As grateful as she was for the help, all sense of confidence she’d had only a hour before shattered, Rowan was still made uncomfortable by all the attention and enjoyed the distraction of playing some silly game with Rocket. Next thing Rowan knew she was bring told to put on a bundle of fabric that’d been shoved into her hands, the girls pushing her simultaneously toward the back of the bus. Rowan obliged, too grateful to them to disobey, though her heart wasn’t really in it anymore.

She avoided her reflection as she slipped on a black dress and tights, boots, and switched out her jewelry. Rowan dragged herself back into the main area and let the girls proceed to attack her hair with sprays and products and hot irons. She felt almost numb, letting her body be treated as an oversized Barbie while her mind flitted elsewhere, to thoughts of what might’ve been and idle curiosity about what in the world someone like Tanner could’ve seen in someone like herself. He mustn’t see anything really, she decided, so it must’ve been a joke or pity or a ploy of some kind.

“There,” Sabrina stated triumphantly, signaling the rest to step back and allow Rowan air. She pointed to the bathroom. “Go, see what you think of the look. We can change anything you don’t like but I personally think you look stunning right now.”

Rowan reluctantly stepped into Tonight Alive’s bathroom and cautiously peered into the mirror. The girl staring back was not at all what Rowan expected to see. She was, in fact, pretty nice looking. She had chocolate curls that fell in ribbons of perfectly lose ringlets, her eyes shaded but not coated in shadow, just a thick line of perfectly applied liner that made her blue eyes seem to stand out against creamy skin like sandalwood flames in the pitch dark of a winter night, her arms and chest had been touched up so that her scars were relatively covered and it almost seemed that this girl had normal skin, and her dress fit every inch just right, creating the illusion of curves and cloaking the reality of bones. Rowan gaped, then blinked herself back into reality, turning to the small crowd that’d gathered in the doorway.

“Well?” Allie prodded, her expression hopeful.

“I look… I mean… thank you,” Rowan rhapsodized, unable to word her gratitude but expressing it in every blink of watery eyes as she rushed forward and hugged each woman in turn.

“Of course,” Tay replied for the group, “now we’re running late so you better get your butt out that door!”

“What?” Rowan asked, thrown off entirely, stumbling confusedly behind the girls as they migrated back to the front of the bus.

“Your date,” Tay went on in a ‘duh’ tone, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“No way,” Rowan shook her head, “I’m canceling. There’s no point anymore, I’m not in the mood and…”

“And what?” Jenna pressed, “And… you like him too much? And… you’re afraid you’ll have fun? And… you look fuckin’ fierce?” Jenna blushed and shot Lights an apologetic half-smile, “Sorry, babe.”

Lights laughed and shook her head, rubbing her nose against Rocket’s forehead lovingly, “She’s heard worse.”

“You’re supposed to meet him at eight now, remember?” Ryan carried on, passing Rowan her clutch, “It’ll be fun!”

“I…” Rowan sighed, twisting the staggered hem of her dress between worried fingers, “I can’t. Kell–”

“–will be fine,” Ash told Rowan in an intoxicatingly soothing tone. “He’s acting like he should as a dad, if not a bit over-dramatically. He just needs time to cool off and realize you’re acting your age. He’ll be just fine. We’ll deal with him, you go have fun with your boyfriend.”

Rowan blushed scarlet, murmuring, “He’s not my boyfriend. We just met yesterday and we won’t ever see each other again after tonight anyway.”

“Whatever, he likes you, go have fun!” Lights nudged, jutting her chin toward the bus’s door, telling Rowan to get a move on.

“How would you guys even know!” Rowan joked rhetorically, then caught sight of their bashful and evasive looks and threw her hands in the air. “Are you guys spying on me now, too!”

“No!” Ryan protested, then grinned in a clandestine manner, making Rowan more suspicious than before. “Okay, fine! We read the messages between you two…”

Rowan groaned, “Oh, my God!”

“It was Jenna, really!” Tay threw in, pointing a finger literally and metaphorically at the blonde hanging back from the group with pink cheeks.

Jenna spun on Tay, quirking an eyebrow as she attempted to refocus attention on the blame-game rather than the act being called out itself. “Oh, cool! I see how it is! Betray one of your best friends over a text!”

Rowan rolled her eyes, “I swear to God, I’m surrounded by children.” She slapped a hand to her forehead before regrouping and stepping toward the door, “I’m leaving.”

“You’re going after all? Score!” Sabrina cheered playfully, but as Rowan reached the door she turned back to the girls with a look of uncertainty.

“You really think he likes me?” she asked in a soft voice full of her own kind of childish fear.

“It’s plain as day,” Ash assured her, a smile tugging the corners of her perfectly sculpted lips up.

“Okay, then,” Rowan agreed, “let’s do this… I think…”

Notes

Roll-Call for Rowan's Rad Readers:
Candy_Monster
PiercetheKatt
Say all that you hav to say
pinkhardstyle
mia_mi
Immabandwhore
PrincessMarimba

Wow. So much is changing in my life in the last few months since we talked. I'm sorry for that. And to show my remorse, I've givin you a chapter that, in Pages, is literally NINETEEN PAGES LONG!! I've read shorter chapters in published novels! I hope you'll take this as a gift and forgive me! Either way, I'm glad to be here right now talking to you.

I want to say that this will be the end of infreuent updates but I don't like to lie. I'm not sure if it will be or not. I think part of me has been almost dreading writing this chapter and the couple that follow because I despise adding extra hurt to a relationship that's struggling at it is. Is that weird? That I feel sorry for a fictional character I myself created? I guess so. But truly, I've been dragging my feet about it I think, but now that I'm in the thick of the action the words keep coming. Also, I've been actually doing better, honestly, and maybe that's made it a bit hard for me to submerge myself in Rowan's world. Maybe it's just taken some time of healing myself to be able to return to open wounds again and make good use of them. No matter the reason, I'm sorry it's taken me so long. I try my best not to do this but I'm only human and along with my good days have been plenty of bad ones. I'm trying very hard, I promise.

I hope all of you are doing spectacularly. I hope you are having the best months of your lives. I hope everything you were ever too afraid to wish for is happening. But if not, I'm here to listen. I mean that. Truly, with all my heart.

I hope you liked this chapter, even though I sorta hate myself for writing it. And the worst is yet to come... please don't hate me! *hides behind Warped Tour's whole Line Up*

Chapter Question: What was the first song you heard by your current favorite band? I know what mine was... And... What did it make you think/feel that made you consider them a contender to catch your attention?

I love each and every one of you. I can't wait to see how you feel about this rocky chapter and what's around the bend as well, I love hearing what you think and feel about what you read. Because there's nothing better, as a writer, than knowing that you actually succeeded in making someone feel something. I love knowing that these characters might impact you amazing people.

Until next time,
xx MM