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Navy Blue Eyes

Her Surprise Gift.

Kellin had fallen asleep with his phone open to a website he’d scoured for the possible side effects of Rowan’s meds. He’d come across one that said it could increase lethargy, explaining why Rowan over-slept habitually. Well, that or the fact that she was a teenager who’d had the most exhausting life possible thus far. Whatever the cause, Kellin took care in letting Rowan sleep as long as possible before waking her.

It had come to that point where he had to wake her or she’d be furious about how little time she had to get ready. Kellin approached the side of her bunk, peeling back her blanket in hopes of rousing her with the cool AC blowing through the main cabin of the bus. Upon pulling the fabric back, however, he began to panic. His heart thrummed in his chest and his throat seemed to become blocked by something as hard as diamonds and as immobile as stone. He wanted to scream. She’d relapsed, she’d cut her upper thighs it seemed as that’s where the blood stemmed from. He felt like a failure, she’d seemed okay. They’d talked. They’d shared how they felt. She was becoming more open. Or so he’d thought. Idiot, he mentally scorned himself, how could he be so stupid? She obviously wasn’t okay. He was her father now, he was supposed to notice these things and protect her!

Unsure how to proceed, Kellin just stared, standing stock-still. Rowan felt the cold burst of air, though, and began to grumble and groan as she awoke. She blinked up at Kellin, assessing his expression of shock and horror, before speaking in her own strangled whisper, “Tatt? What’s up?”

Kellin only stared. Rowan followed his eye-line, seeing the blood soaking her pajama bottoms and sheets.

“What the fuck?!” she roared, jumping out of her bunk as if she’d been laying on hot coals.
That movement set the rest of the domino effect in motion. Rowan darted into the cupboard-sized-bathroom, Kellin grabbed after her but missed and ended up standing outside the door on which he banged his fist, the rest of the guys woke up and those who had already been awake came in as they all tried to understand what was happening. Upon seeing the mass of blood, the guys began asking questions or helping Kellin bang on the door. Finally, Kellin asked Rowan, “Are you okay? Are you cleaning them up? You have to let me in.”

“No!” Rowan cried back, her words sounding as though they came form under water. “Go away! All of you!”

“Rowan, you’ve got to let us help you! You won’t be hurt, we just want to help!” Gabe called through the door next.

“She relapsed?” Jesse asked Kellin in a murmured whisper.

Kellin nodded solemnly, “I woke up and found her covered in blood, she freaked out when she saw that I’d noticed.”

“But what could she have used? We don’t even keep can openers or tweezers on this bus!” Jesse argued quietly, his voice covered but the various attempts to coax Rowan from the bathroom that the others were making.

“Exactly, on this bus. But yesterday she was exposed to nearly every band here when she worked. Hell, I bet they used box-cutters and exacto-knives to work with!” Kellin explained, growing panic in his voice.

“Everyone, just leave me alone!” Rowan shouted, but the guys didn’t give up so easily. “Fine! If you want the truth, I’ll give it to you!”

The bathroom door opened a crack and Rowan’s eye became visible. Kellin was the first to rush forward, but she wouldn’t allow them to open the door fully.

She cleared her throat, jutting her chin up a few inches in defiance, and avoided eye-contact as she said, “I didn’t cut.”

The last word sent a shiver down Kellin’s spine, as did the fact that she just lied to him. “Rowan, I’m not stupid or blind. I saw the blood. Just come out and talk to me. Or, if you want to be alone, just let me in.”

“Ugh!” Rowan groaned, stomping her foot in annoyance. “I’m not lying! I didn’t cut! Eyegutmehpeerod.”

“You have to speak up, Rowan,” Kellin said in a soothing voice.

“I said: I got my period!” The reaction to that word was much more than a shiver, it was a downright cringe. With that, Rowan spun on her heel and slammed the door in her wake, locking it once more.

It was dead silent then, none of the guys were actually mature enough to handle this situation it seemed. But Kellin’s protective instincts kicked in and he shooed the guys away, “Give her some space, go run through the set or something useful.”

The crowd that’d gathered dispersed, and with them went Kellin’s gusto. He was humiliated on Rowan’s behalf. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must be to deal with the life she’d been struggling through, to be finally settling in, then to have Scott brought back to the forefront of her mind, and to get her period for the first time the very next morning.

Kellin had to think on his feet, tapping on the bathroom door to call through, “Ro, I’ll be right back. Ignore everyone if you want. Just, ah, just hang out. I’ll be back.”

Kellin then grabbed his cell and laminate before walking off the bus and trying to assess his options. Getting Vic would probably only embarrass her more, but Tony had a little sister... Still, he couldn’t do that. A light bulb went off and he was immediately running off to the Roadie tent. He ran into Kevin Lyman himself and thought about how to best go about this without causing Rowan anymore permanent damage.

“Hey, Kevin,” Kellin called, sidling up to the creator of the whole tour as if it were any typical day.

“Hey, Kellin,” Kevin responded, seeming confused by Kellin’s semi-faux buoyancy. “What can I do for you? I just gave the schedule for the day over to your tour manager.”

“I have a weird request…” Kellin trailed off, searching for the right words.

“I’m sure I’ve heard weirder,” Kevin chuckled, folding his arms in a silent go-ahead.

“Well...” Kellin breathed a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his neck and realizing he was still wearing pajamas and how odd that must look. Still, he had bigger concerns.


Rowan Elizabeth-Quinn Bostwick was nothing short of mortified. She sat on the toilet and cried. Sobbed. Harder than she had in weeks. She couldn’t even catch her breath for all of the weeping. It wasn’t all out of embarrassment, thought that was one contributing factor. It was more than that.

Rowan realized in one moment, that one moment that should have been a simple milestone in any normal girl’s life, that her life was still a wreck. She was grateful for all that she’d been given by the Quinn’s and their extended tour-family, absolutely and totally, but she was reminded just how many holes were left in her life. Rowan was perforated with millions of holes. Some holes were as small as the pin-pricks from all the IVs she’d had, but some were as large as the men’s fists that had pummeled her. Some holes were as shallow as the lit cigarettes that had been pressed into her skin and singed it so that the smell of melted flesh mingled with that of burning nicotine. Some were as deep as the cuts she’d made that had to be stitched by professionals within an inch of her life. She was a target, riddled with gunshots holes. Kellin tried to fill as many of those gaping wounds as he could, he tried to be therapist and father and mentor and best friend and idol and confidante. He tried, and he succeeded a lot of the time. But this was one wound he couldn’t stitch up. These were shoes that he couldn’t fill. These were plain, kitten-heel pumps that were supposed to be filled by a mother who worked as a secretary or a stay-at-home-mom who made Hamburger Helpers or meatloaf on weeknights. He couldn’t do that for her. And she knew that Katelynne might be able to, but at the end of the day Rowan had been robbed of the true mother she needed here, she’d had that stolen from her by cancer and alcohol and abandonment issues.

Drowning in tears, self-pity, and hurt, Rowan jumped when someone knocked on the door. “Rowan?” Jesse’s voice called, “Can I get you anything? Do you want your phone?”

“I’m fine!” Rowan replied in a clipped tone.

“Are you sure? Justin’s running to McDonald’s for breakfast, do you want something?” he pressed.

“I said, I’m fine! Just leave me alone,” Rowan snapped back.

She realized too late that the bitterness in her voice gave away too much of her true feelings, but it was too late and she was too busy being ashamed of her body to feel ashamed of her words too.

It was quiet again, for some small amount of time though she couldn’t be sure as there was no technology with her little box of safety. But then another knock sounded through the false-wood walls and her already fraying nerves frazzled further as she shouted: “GOD DAMMIT, I SAID I’M FINE!”

“Well, that’s good. It’ll make my job easier then,” replied a calm, female voice. The girl seemed kind, with some odd accent, and Rowan instantly felt terrible. “But nevertheless, do you mind letting me in so I can introduce myself?”

Rowan hesitated for a long moment before she approached the door and twisted the knob, letting it open just a crack as she didn’t want anyone to see her in her blood-soaked pants. A woman’s face appeared. She was beautiful, her hair was pale blonde and her skin seemed to glow with the typical Warped-Tour-tan. A gold hoop gleamed in one nostril and she didn’t seem to need a drop of make up. She gave Rowan a sheepish smile and stuck out one hand, the wrist adorned with bracelets up to the middle of her forearm.

“I’m Jenna.”

Rowan retuned the gesture but couldn’t manage much of a smile, “Rowan.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jenna replied, her perfect teeth on display in a polite smile. “Now, I’ve made the guys rack off the bus to do something useful, not that they’ll obey that part, but anyway you’re clear to come out.”

“I, um, can’t exactly...”

Jenna nodded, “That’s fine, just tell me what clothes to grab and in the meantime here’s a pad.”

Rowan took it and held it far from herself, as if it were toxic. Jenna tried to conceal a small chuckle at that as she left and began the hunt for a change of clothes. “Back lounge, the black suitcase with white bats on it.”

Jenna laughed, but it wasn’t so distasteful that it made Rowan upset, Jenna just seemed the type to love life. She seemed happy by nature. “You’ll get along great with Ash,” Jenna told her jovially.

“Thanks, I guess?” Rowan responded, calling out as Jenna presumably ransacked her bags for clothes.

“Here,” Jenna offered Rowan a handful of clothes, “get ready. I’ll wait out here.”

Rowan pulled on the clothes, taking a moment to figure out the stupid pad, looking herself in the mirror once she was done to realize maybe she’d get along pretty well with Jenna as well seeing at their styles seemed to be similar. Upon reemerging, Rowan found Jenna to be leaning on the wall opposite the bathroom door, typing on her phone, the glow of the screen illuminating her features. Rowan cleared her throat softly, trying to get Jenna’s attention without snapping at her seeing as that’s just about all Rowan felt like doing.

“Oh hey,” Jenna said, her thumbs pausing on the phone’s screen, “good. You’re dressed. So, I have some friends I think you’ll want to meet but first…” Jenna looked at her phone screen abashedly. She ran her fingers, bedecked in a few dully shiny metal rings, through her hair as she seemed to contemplate how to proceed. “Kellin said something about medication?”

“Right,” Rowan mumbled, feeling her already tear-stained cheeks flush redder. “It’s a shot.”

“Well, I have a friend who has diabetes, I’ve given shots before. I can do it, if you’d rather, or I can have Kellin come back?” Rowan could tell that Jenna was trying not to push her, trying to be diplomatic and also comforting.

“Where’d Kell get off to anyways?” Rowan asked by way of a response, not wanting to seem childish or codependent or rude.

“I’ll text him, find out, and have him head back over.” Jenna didn’t seem the least bit off-put by Rowan’s refusal to have her administer the injection, she went on as if she understood. It made Rowan feel immensely relieved. Jenna typed something then clicked her phone off, shoving it in her back pocket and offering her hand to Rowan. “In the meantime, want me to throw your hair in a ponytail? It’s gonna be hot out there today.”

Rowan nodded enthusiastically, relaxing in this girl’s presence already. Jenna followed her into the bathroom where they both looked in the mirror. Jenna brushed out Rowan’s hair, pulling it up with care, precision, and tenderness. Rowan was reminded of the first night she’d spent at the Quinn’s house. Katelynne had combed out her hair after her bath and it was the first time Rowan had ever felt mothered. Granted, Jenna looked young enough to be an older sister, but the sensation was the same. It was the sense of being cared for that washed over Rowan, making her smile back at Jenna’s infectious grin in the reflection. But then, all of the sudden, Rowan really looked at her image in the mirror and realized how much of her skin was exposed. Jenna could see her scars! But Jenna’s eyes didn’t wander from Rowan’s locks aside from an occasional smile, but never did she seem to stare or ogle. Still, Rowan began to tap her foot surreptitiously, waiting for Kellin to come and distract Jenna before the girl could catch sight of Rowan’s numerous imperfections.

“Ro? Jenna?” Kellin’s voice called out, allowing Rowan a sigh of relief. Kellin found them just as Jenna was tying two bows in ribbons that matched her outfit to the top of Rowan’s ponytail. “Well, look who’s all dressed up.”

Rowan realized just then that she was pretty angry with Kellin for assuming so quickly that she’d relapsed and lost all patience for him, so she didn’t laugh, she just smiled at Jenna as a way of asking her to wait a moment and stomped off to the back lounge. Kellin followed in a bit of a daze, it appeared, but set to work preparing her meds. Rowan, meanwhile, stood beside him with her arms crossed over her chest as she stewed over the fact that Kellin had not only proven he had no faith in her but then went on to set her up on a blind-date meeting of a girl sent to fix whatever issues seemed to need fixing. It made Rowan progressively more upset as she began to see red, so that by the time Kellin joked about her wearing fishnets she rolled her eyes and huffed, looking away from the man entirely. Kellin finally seemed to catch on that this wasn’t just her being upset, she was upset with him for some reason. So he gave her the shot silently, not pressing her to talk or joke around, and then he cleaned the supplies up while she smeared concealer on her scars, but before she could run off he grabbed her hand.

“Hey, kiddo, what’s up? What’d I do this time?” he teased, but it clearly wasn’t going over well as she only seemed to become more miffed.

“Nothing,” she said dismissively, stalking off toward Jenna again. Kellin got up and tried to follow but by that point Rowan was gathering her phone and hard-pass from her bunk, studiously ignoring her father.

Jenna stepped in, murmuring to Kellin in an aside, “Just leave her be, it’ll pass. A lot of it’s just the hormones.”

Kellin relented, not wanting to upset Rowan further if there really was nothing he could do to help. “Love you, Ro,” he called anyway as Jenna grinned at him and they left. He swore he heard Rowan mumble a reply. But whether it was verbal or not he knew. Whether she acted like the typical, angst-ridden teenager she didn’t get much of a chance to be or not, Kellin knew she loved him. He leaned against the wall of bunks, already tired though the day had barely begun. Despite the struggles he could see in the future, raising a teenage girl whose past he was still trying to catch up on, he took comfort in knowing that by the time Copeland was a tween he’d have handled enough disasters that she’d be a walk in the park by comparison. Or so he hoped anyway.
Rowan trailed diligently behind Jenna, headed for whatever undisclosed location was their destination. She still wanted to strut back to the bus and give Kellin a piece of her mind but by the same token she was too caught up in meeting Jenna’s friends. Rowan found that they were headed toward the Reverse Daycare tent which should be empty seeing as the gates weren’t yet open. Still, Jenna ducked inside, Rowan at her heels.

Within the tent stood half a dozen young women, all of them looking nothing like the girl to their side. Rowan shrank behind Jenna, made uncomfortable by the amount of strangers present, the only familiar face was Sierra’s. Jenna didn’t seem concerned, she twisted around to put a hand on Rowan’s shoulder in a comforting gesture before clearing her throat exaggeratedly to get the girls’ attention.

“Guys!” she yelled, quieting all conversations and drawing even more attention to Rowan, “This is Rowan Quinn! Rowan, that’s Ashley Costello, lead singer for New Years Day. The brunette beside her is Taylor Jardine, but we call her Tay, she’s from We Are The In Crowd. Next is Lights and her daughter Rocket, she’s got her own musical career but she’s here to visit her husband Beau, lead vocals for blessthefall. Then we have Allie and Ryan, they’re here visiting their boyfriends in Motionless in White. And you know Sierra, of course. Basically, we’re the Ladies of Warped Tour.”

Each of the women came forward cautiously and offered greetings and welcomes. Rowan tried to be kind but she was fighting off inexplicable upset from the onslaught of emotions she’d sifted through so far that morning. Tay also had a nose ring and wore a cute graphic tee and high-waisted shorts. Ashley had half-red, half-black hair and skin as white as a ghost’s, her style was boldly gothic and Rowan wished that she’d someday have the confidence to dress in such a way because she admired Ash’s look intensely. Lights wore a tee that advertised a popular video game and her daughter wore a little grey sundress and baby Doc Martens that matched the polka-dot pattern of the fabric belt around the waist. Rocket Wild was her name and Rowan marveled at the guts it took to name your child that, again wishing she possessed such inner-strength and an adventurous attitude. Allie had purple hair and Ash’s pallor, both of her ears were stretched larger than Rowan had ever seen and both of her nostrils were accented with nose rings. Her style was funky but cute, and Rowan gave her the best smile she could manage. Ryan had hair that cascaded down her shoulders and lightened, beginning in a slate-shade and ending in a hue closer to that of steel. She, too, was pale and, like Allie, her skin was covered in tattoos.

Ryan took Rowan’s hands gleefully, her wing-lined eyes making her look like a cat with a mouse dangling before it. “Basically, today is fuck-the-male-species day, on your behalf.”
Fantastic, all of these people knew about her bodily functions, Rowan wanted to melt into a puddle and disappear into the sparse grass below. Still, she laughed it off.

Jenna explained that both Rowan and Sierra had been given the day off and that she, Tay, and Ash would split off only long enough to do their daily duties and return to the group promptly. Basically, Rowan was to be surrounded by females for the majority of the day. She wasn’t sure if that was a comfort or an inconvenience, but she figured she’d find out more as the day went on. And as the morning wore into afternoon, she found that it wasn’t so much an annoyance as it was a convince. She was pleasantly surprised to find that she enjoyed the company surrounding her as well as the distraction from her issues that they offered. Rowan was allowed to hold Rocket and was introduced to Sabrina, a sweet, personable friend of Allie and Ryan’s who was the merch-girl for their boyfriends’ band. Sabrina and Ryan wrangled Rowan into letting them paint her nails on Sabrina’s morning break. Rowan also craved junk food for the majority of the day which was odd as she could never in her life remember wanting for any food. She indulged more than once and it ended each time in waves of nausea and an eventual trip to someone’s bus’ bathroom so that she could heave over a toilet.

It came around to lunch time and she ate with the girls, laughing and listening to the stories they swapped about various tour members. For the first time in her life Rowan felt like she belonged in a typical teen-movie. Aside from the fact that she wasn’t the popular-type and her ‘friends’ were tatted or pierced or had hair colors that were far from natural. Even so, with all of the unnatural aspects of her life, this seemed to fit perfectly. After lunch the Warped Girls Club hit the stages, checking out various shows before they ended up at a Falling In Reverse set. Rowan enjoyed watching, though their music was a little too hip-hop in some songs for her personal liking. But she noticed an air of unease as the guys departed the stage and Rowan was recognized. They tried to put on a show of nonchalance upon seeing her but Rowan had spent too many years reading people to be so easily fooled. Luckily they didn’t seem to know anything about her gift from mother nature, at least Kellin wasn’t telling the whole tour, but there was certainly something off to say the least.

Rowan hugged Ronnie briefly as a form of farewell as a sudden wave of nausea crashed over her. She bolted off, followed by the sound of footsteps, but didn’t turn to see who was pursuing her. She made it to a trash can behind one of the trucks where load in and out took place. She wretched but nothing came to fruition, she just felt mind-numbing pain from her abdomen and the sharp desire to expel the junk she’d consumed.

“Rowan?” Ash’s voice called, and Rowan sensed the girl’s presence at her right flank. “Sweetie, can I get you anything?”

Rowan shook her head but the movement made the world spin so she froze, mumbling, “No, thank you though. I’ll be okay.”

“Here, trust me,” Ash pressed, guiding Rowan to stand straight before handing her a can of water and dropping a pill into her palm. “Midol,” Ash explained, “my period gets so bad I used to have to stay home from school. Headaches, nausea, pains in my stomach, and... other places.”

Rowan forced a weak smile and downed the pill with the water, also using the liquid to swish around in an attempt to flush out the acidic taste left behind from her near-vomiting episode. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Ash replied kindly, “c’mon, your dad’s about to play.”

Rowan took a few deep breaths before walking with Ashley to the stage where Sleeping With Sirens was setting up. Rowan was still a tad miffed but waved at the band as they ran on anyway, wanting them to put on a great show no matter her own mood. Once they’d completed their set the day had come to a close and Rowan followed her new friends to the barbecue. They passed familiar faces along the way, stopping briefly to say hello but Rowan’s nerves were fraying by the minute as she began to feel encased in glass. She could see what was happening around her and could hear what was being said but all she could focus on was the uncomfortable ache in her lower stomach and all she wanted was to lay down on the couch with her head on her father’s or one of her uncle’s laps as they all watched a movie together. At the same time, she wanted to curl up in her bunk alone and watch Netflix. Whatever the form of relaxation, it all seemed more appealing than being introduced to every acquaintance each of the girls surrounding her passed. Finally, there seemed to be a breath of fresh air amongst the strange faces. She caught sight of a sleeve of Nightmare Before Christmas tattoos and told Ryan, who happened to be closest to her, that she’d be with Jacky.

Rowan nudged her way through a few more groups before reaching Jacky, slowing down so that she didn’t trip into him, before tapping his shoulder and waiting as he told whoever he was talking to, to hold on. He turned and saw no one at first, then looked down and saw Rowan twisting her hands anxiously. She was still curious about what might be brewing amidst Jacky’s bandmates but didn’t plan to ask, she just wanted to talk to someone who she knew didn’t talk much at all. Rowan was appreciative of the girls she’d spent the day with but she needed a break, a moment to just breathe and be silent.

“Hey, Rowan!” he greeted her, bending down to give her a hug without spilling his Solo Cup full of what smelled like beer. Rowan tried to ignore her urge to bolt, directing her focus to smiling at him kindly. “Rowan, I want you to meet my friend Danny.”

“Nice to meet you,” Rowan told Danny, the man Alex had pointed out as an addict, ex or not, the previous day. She extended her hand against her instincts and Danny, apparently already a little tipsy, used the hand to pull her into a quick squeeze of a hug before releasing her.

“I know you! You’re Kellin’s kid that everyone’s been talking about!” Danny grinned in a friendly way, in fact everything about him seemed open and kind, but to Rowan the smile looked more like a malicious sneer.

Rowan couldn’t help her eyes flashing to Jacky’s, wanting to know what kinds of things were being said about her, but he was just smiling too, difficult to read. Had she been right to think that everyone knew about her embarrassing trip to the ER? Did they know about her panic attack the day before? She’d asked Sierra and the girl had sworn it was no big deal, that Rowan was forgiven entirely for taking off, and that she wouldn’t tell a soul. But something was being said about Rowan, and not knowing what it was might just trigger another attack right here in the middle of a crowd of people. “That’s me, I guess.” It was awkward a moment before Rowan swallowed the lump building in her throat. “So, Jacky, how’s your hand?”

“Much better,” he smiled kindly, using his once-injured hand to ruffle the end of Rowan’s ponytail. “See?”

Rowan laughed but Danny laughed much harder, much too hard for the situation they were in. Rowan peered at him cautiously, wanting to see if she could predict his level of intoxication, but she couldn’t be sure. She was beginning to feel queazy again, but she was also unsure whether it was from her period or from nerves as she felt the fear seeping in, caused by being surrounded by intoxicated people. She felt sweat dewing at the nape of her neck and trickling between her shoulder blades, her throat tightening and her mouth salivating as the nausea swept over her.

Their faces began to swirl and morph into something like a Van Gogh painting, so much so that Rowan began to worry someone had slipped her something somehow. Midol couldn’t cause this, could it?

“Rowan?” called a voice from far-away, “Ro?”

Rowan blinked, coming back to the present as she zeroed-in on Vic who’d apparently joined at some point along the way. “What?”

“Nothing,” Vic conceded, “these are my friends Josh, Ricky, and Devin.”

Vic gestured to the other three newcomers. The first—Josh—seemed sweet, his head was shaved and every inch of skin Rowan saw was tatted up, along with two piercings decorating his upper lip. The second—Ricky—was smaller than the other two, with pale blue eyes made-up heavily in black, his pitch black hair cropped at the shoulders. The third—Devin—had a certain air about him that made you look twice, enticing you to piece together the enigma. Rowan liked their look and, despite the fact that her brain was still slowly reviving from its temporary panic she smiled and shook hands as one should. Josh had a cup in his hand and the reminder of the presence of alcohol kept Rowan on edge. Apparently she gazed a moment too long as Josh cleared his throat and caught her attention.

“Thirsty? Want a sip?” he offered kindly. The gesture shocked Rowan, however.

“Did you just offer a minor alcohol in the presence of other adults?” she replied in a voice a pitch above her usual.

Josh and his friends chuckled at her bluntness, “Do I look that irresponsible?” Josh challenged. Rowan shrugged, embarrassed. “I don’t drink. It’s water.”

“Ever? You don’t drink ever?” Rowan pressed, looking for his weak spot so that he’d admit. He was a guy in his twenties, she knew how they worked.

“Ever,” Josh replied, contrary to what Rowan had expected him to say. She blanched, not knowing what to say in response. Josh picked up on this as well and stifled another chortle. “I’m straight-edge,” he went on, as if that explained anything.

“Oh,” Rowan said anyway, pretending as if his clarification meant anything.

“It means no drinking and no drugs,” Ricky explained further, then gestured to himself, Josh, and Devin as he finished, “we’re all edge.”

“Seriously?” Rowan asked, startled. She attempted to keep her scrutinizing of the men afterward to a minimum but she knew she must look like a child gaping at the mall’s Santa on break. It was just too bizarre. Here she stood beside three guys who all looked exactly the type to embody society’s perception of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. Three men decorated with a plethora of tattoos and copious piercings between the three of them, yet they all defied exactly the stereotype she painted them with. “Sorry,” she stuttered, “I just… I’ve never heard of that is all.”

“It’s not exactly a widely-embraced ideology nowadays, I suppose. Plus, you’re a bit young,” Devin said in a slow, quiet voice, as if he and Rowan were the only two people on Earth and he had all the time in the world to speak.

“Rowan’s already graduated college,” Vic butted in, seeming to want to defend her pride. But Rowan didn’t mind much. These men weren’t trying to be rude or judgmental, she was sure they encountered plenty of that for themselves, and Rowan was plenty used to being presumed to be younger than she actually was. Vic’s comment, of course, sparked a few cursory questions that Rowan answered kindly. “Oh, fuck,” Vic interrupted the conversation again. This time, however, his eyes were trained on the group that seemed to be fighting far away. Slowly, the groups surrounding began to spread out, making room for the brawl that was only gaining momentum as no one seemed prepared to intervene. Rowan could hear a handful of men’s drunken slurs and watched as the silhouette of one male shoved the other aggressively, a moment later a shout of belligerence from one of the men told Rowan that it was Ronnie and Craig fighting. Rowan’s heart pounded in her chest and Vic must have noticed as he soon set his hand against her back and began to dismiss her from the conversation of confusion that’d begun between Josh and Jacky.

In a moment’s time Vic had directed Rowan straight to her father’s bus and Rowan let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks,” she murmured.

“Anytime, sunshine,” he replied kindly, putting on a brave face by smiling and knocking on the bus’s door.

Kellin appeared as the door swung open, a smile of apprehension on his face and his cell phone against one ear. He mouthed for them to come in but Vic insisted he had to get back to his own bus before his bandmates lit it on fire, leaving Rowan to enter alone.

Kellin rubbed the back of his neck, clearly made nervous by the possibility of Rowan still being upset with him, and sat on one end of the couch. Rowan, who was far too tired to remain angry, took a seat beside him, leaning into his side as he ‘Mhmm’ed at whoever was on the other end of the line. Seemingly surprised by her affection, Kellin carefully lifted the arm she laid against, allowing her to rest her head on his chest and his arm to fall around her in a comforting way. Rowan’s pain had subsided but the exhaustion was far from relieved. She cuddled into him and enjoyed feeling cared for.

“Yeah, she’s right here actually,” Kellin said in a soft voice designed not to startle her with his proximity, “do you want to say hi?”

Kellin’s eyes flitted to Rowan’s as he mouthed ‘Kate’. Rowan nodded, extending her hand for his cell and placing the device—already radiating heat from Kellin’s extensive use—to her own cheek, “Hey.”

“Hey, Ro,” Katelynne responded, her voice one of pity and kindness. Rowan rolled her eyes, of course he’d tell Kate too. She wasn’t mad anymore, just drained and a little amused. “How’re you feeling?”

“It’s not the flu,” Rowan replied, her voice garbled by her embarrassment to be talking about this with Kellin present. “I’m fine.”

“Well, I’m here if you want to talk,” Kate assured. “Anyway, I heard you had a lot of girls around today?”

Rowan giggled, “Yeah, it was fun, actually.”

“Better than shopping with me?” Katelynne teased, making Rowan laugh again.

Never,” she taunted back, “they didn’t even let me pierce anything!”

Kellin sighed in relief, as if he’d been privately fretting over the possibility of her coming home with another body-mod. This made both Rowan and Katelynne laugh heartily.

“Well, clearly they don’t know how to have a good time then!” Katelynne went on, both of them struggling to breathe through their laughter.

Kellin pulled the phone away and put it on speaker, “Okay, enough already. I really don’t want a heart attack any time soon.”

Still breathless, Katelynne changed the subject. “Alright, alright. Hey,” her voice seemed faraway for a moment, “do you wanna say goodnight to daddy? Kell, Ro, Copeland’s just woken up and found her way to me. Wanna say hi before I go put her back to bed?”

“Of course,” Kellin responded, lighting up as Kate started the FaceTime and Cope appeared on his phone. “Hey, Coco!”

Copeland giggled as she tried to hide behind her mother’s hair, wanting to play peek-a-boo. “Peep-boo!” she cheered, popping out into view.

Kellin grabbed Rowan’s ponytail and put it over his eyes, popping out amidst both of his daughter’s giggles, “Peek-a-boo!”

“Hey, Cope-cake,” Rowan said sweetly, but Kellin had to pause at that. Where had he heard that nick-name? In Rowan’s voice? Yes, but not in real life. In his dream…

“Rollie-pollie!” Copeland squealed back. This made Kellin seriously contemplate whether or not he was awake indeed. But, upon pinching himself, he found he was I fact conscious.

“Alright, baby, say goodnight to daddy and Rowan,” Katelynne told the toddler in her lap, kissing the crown of her head and softly brushing back her loose curls from her face.

Copeland splayed her fingers and waved jerkily at the camera, “Goodnigh', daddy and nigh-nigh, Rollie.” She kissed the screen adorably and Kellin kissed his in response, Rowan blowing a kiss as well, and Katelynne clicked it back to a voice call.

“I’m gonna put her to bed again,” Katelynne said in playful exasperation. “I love you, babe,” she told Kellin over the speakerphone. “And I mean it, I’m here, doll-face.”

“Goodnight,” Rowan and Kellin chorused, laughing to themselves as he ended the call.

“Ready for bed?” Kellin asked, but Rowan knew that meant washing off the cover-up and taking her shot and all that jazz. So instead she shook her head, no, and cuddled back into him. Kellin sighed lightly, smiling privately as he felt Rowan’s faint breathing against his tee. He put an arm beneath her legs and brought them up so that she was fully sitting on his lap, her head against his chest.

Wakin’ up your neighbors, downstairs,
I’ve been inside your bedroom a thousand years
And as you tie me to the bed for good I say,
That ‘I want you in the most unromantic ways’…”

Kellin sang softly, not wishing to disturb Rowan, only to comfort her further. Rowan, though, didn’t mind the distraction a bit. She sank even closer into his embrace and let the sound of his voice soothe her.

“Louisiana, you’re torturin’ me with a beautiful face,
And look on what I thought we had a damn good thing.
A penny in the couch and a diamond ring…

So, baby, stay away from my friends,
‘Cause I need them
To carry me when it’s over
I’ll count back from ten,
And you can listen
To glass hearts shattering…”

Kellin was used to singing for her now, the words flowed from his lips in the tempo of the song just as waves pushed onto the shore and retracted by the pull of the moon. Rowan’s pull drug the sounds from his lips as if involuntarily. At the same time, Rowan had become so comfortable with the sound of his singing that she’d fallen asleep to the sound of Sleeping With Sirens’s acoustic album since she’d received her gift phone. The power of hearing him live, feeling his voice as much as listening to it, was incomparable, however.

“I don’t know how you got into me,
Down my throat and made a home in my veins.
They used to be the rivers that would take us away,
But now you only call my every Christmas and my birthday.
I still can’t believe how you look next to me,
Just like a strip club bedroom scene.
Baby, stay away from my friends,
‘Cause I need them to carry me.
When it’s over
I'll count back from ten,
And you can listen
To something that you’ve never heard before.
Never heard before, never heard before…”

While Kellin sang, Rowan drank in the sense of calm and peacefulness. But at the same time, she let herself be pulled to the night of the first barbecue, thinking of Jesse’s words to her before she’d gone off to bed. He’d spoken of Kellin and Rowan needing to stop pretending for the sake of one another, as it was more harmful than helpful. She considered telling him about her panic attack, or perhaps about how exactly seeing Scott made her feel, but all of this seemed too taxing after a day already draining enough. So she continued to listen, just listen, but Kellin must’ve mistaken her silence and stillness for sleep as his voice got even softer and he began to use his fingers to brush back the flyaway baby hairs that framed her face.

“But you don’t know what it’s like
To wake up in the middle of the night
Scarin’ the thought of kissin’ razors.
This blood evacuation
Is tellin’ me to cave in.
Stay away… away… no, oh no…
Just stay away, away, from my friends…”

Rowan figured that must be the end of the song as Kellin shifted, standing and keeping her cradled to his chest. She kept up the ruse of rest until she was slid into her bunk and heard Kellin begin to prep the injection supplies, presumably to give it to her later.

“Tatt?” she said in a voice as soft as silk against skin.

“Yeah?” he replied, just as hushed.

“I’m sorry,” she wasn’t sure what exactly to say she was apologizing for but she felt it was the right thing to say.

“You don’t need to be,” he responded, kissing her forehead gently.

“I wish I could be better,” she said with a sigh. Kellin wondered what she meant by that; better at her new ‘job’? better health-wise? better at being open? He couldn't be sure, but he knew whatever it was she was already trying her best and didn’t need to batter herself for not being ‘good enough’.

“You are exactly who and what and where you’re supposed to be. You’re perfect,” he reasoned, knowing she’d brush this off because she couldn’t yet accept herself.

“You know, you’re pretty fucking fantastic,” Rowan told him with a breathy giggle.

“Of course,” Kellin teased, winking jokingly. But then he turned serious, “I’m nothin’ special, Rowan. You’re just finally being treated the way you deserved to be treated all along. You deserve love, compliments, and as many hugs as you can handle.” She let loose another airy chuckle, smiling blissfully. “Really, though,” Kellin pressed, “this is what you should expect. Anyone who gives you less than one hundred percent adoration isn’t worthy of your time.”

“Would any teenage boy even know that?” she joked, quirking up one eyebrow.

Kellin looked to the sky a moment, composed himself, and looked back at her in a playfully-scornful manner, “That’s not the kind of attention I meant. You’ve got the rest of your life for that, please don’t age me prematurely,” he pled. He looked genuinely distressed so Rowan laughed and shook her head to let him know she hadn’t been serious. Well, not completely. “I meant in general, but…” he looked like he was having a tooth pulled to say it but he forced the words from his lips anyway, “yes. With relationships, too. Actually, those especially. You are a beautiful girl full of intelligence and wisdom far beyond your years, you deserve the best of the best, anything less is an insult to your perfection. But, please, no crushes for now. That’s a rule.”

Rowan blushed, blinking back tears that rolled down the sides of her face to her ears anyway as she lay back and stared at the ceiling of her bunk, “You don’t have to worry about that, no one would want me anyway.”

“Ro, sweetheart.” He used his thumb to wipe away her tears and coaxed her to look at him. “You are so much more than you realize. Everyone who you give the chance to can see that. You are something spectacular and one of a kind and—Jesus, I thought I’d have a decade or so for Cope but I might have to go ahead and invest in a steel baseball bat to keep them off you.” Rowan gave him a watery smile, trying to seem as though she believed him, but she knew more than he did. She was the one who saw her mutilated skin every time she bathed, even she was repulsed, no one could ever find her attractive.

“Thanks,” she replied perfunctorily, not necessarily with any depth.

“C’mon, beautiful,” he motioned for her to get up now that he knew she was awake and needed a distraction, “meds, then movie, then bed?”

She nodded in a distracted way, focused on something faraway in her head. As they walked to the back lounge, Rowan leaned into Kellin once again, finding solace in his presence. After receiving her shot and changing into loungers, they spread out on the couches in the back, each with a light blanket over them, and Rowan grinned as Kellin started up Netflix. “Hey, Kell,” she said lowly.

“Hm?” he hummed, his attention devoted to the TV until he heard her speak again.

“You’re an amazing dad.” Though she hadn’t used the term as a name—she hadn’t yet called him ‘dad’ in any capacity, nor did he expect her to for a long time to come, if ever—her acknowledgment of his place in her life took the wind out of him.

“You’re an amazing daughter,” he told her earnestly. She shrugged, sticking her tongue out at him to lighten the mood. Kellin laughed but then gave her his lopsided-smile after pressing play, proclaiming, “I love you, kid.”

“I love you, too,” she told him with absolute conviction.

And both of them meant it with every fiber of their being, both of them realized the weight those words held between one another in a way no other father/daughter pair could comprehend.

Clueless began to play in the background but both of them were fairly lost inside their minds, linked only by their hands that clasped each other in the middle. Rowan bit back her smile, embarrassed to be smiling like an idiot at nothing in particular, but stopped trying to hide it as she caught sight of Kellin’s matching smirk out of the corner of her eye. She squeezed his hand in a silent sign of understanding, letting Kellin know that she was right there with him even if they were both far away inside. She loved him, and that meant trust as well. She would tell him, soon. But for now all she wanted was to live in this world of ‘normality’.

Notes

Roll-Call of Rowan's Rad Readers:
Cin-D182
Ishipkellic
tiff (x2 ;} )
pinkhardstyle
sadieluna
Tayana

Hello, my absolute loves. You guys astound me every single time I update. Each and everyone of you are part of my life, however weird that sounds.

I'm back, and it hasn't been a third of a year! Whoo?! I thought we needed a little break from the heavy, perhaps, with the introduction of the Warped Girls Club. Rowan might need some feminine influence throughout her journey. Still, Rowan's life isn't without its ups and downs. She should, if the world were a fair place, have a normal life and a normal mom and a normal (still awkward) conversation about getting your period and being a girl and growing up. But Rowan's life has never been normal. Also, who wonders what's going on between FIR/ETF? Still, at least there's someone there for her.

Speaking of which, any other MIW, NYD, Lights, WATIC, or TA fans?

Even so, would you guys have been surprised if she had in fact relapsed? She's been to hell and back a few times, but we hope she's doing better, right? Still, recovering from depression is a long and hard road. It won't happen for her over night. But at least she has her tour family along with her adoptive family to help her through it.

There's something just around the corner that I think you guys will like! Are you excited?! I know I am!!

You guys are so fantastically supportive! In case anyone was curious, here are some stats on the story so far (combined from all the places this story is posted):
Views: 37, 093
Pages: 331
Chapters: 23

I'm so so grateful. You have no idea how important you are to me.

Here's something I thought your guys might be curious about. Here's a link to a playlist of songs used so far in the story in the order in which they've appeared, and here's a link to the songs I've found connect to Rowan and her life's story in one way or another. Finally, here's the link to what I have so far (which will continue to grow) of her wardrobe.

I loved hearing your stories, in your comments, so here's this chapter's question. It's a little bit different than usual. What's been your favorite chapter of Rowan's story so far? Why? What about your least favorite? Why?

Thank you all so much. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, though I know it's not my best. And next up you'll see a few interesting things.... Hm..... ;)

Much love,
MM

Comments

Where in the world is Mati Marie!? :(

Hey !
please continue this story... i need to know what happens to Rowan.

Xxbsx Xxbsx
5/10/16

Are you still writing this story?

Are you still going to finish this story. I'm still in love with Rowan and I really need closure. I know it's been like 8 months but please finish it. I'd still love to read it