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Navy Blue Eyes

Finding Her.

After about another two hours, Kellin felt a tug on his sleeve.

"Huh, whuh?" Kellin raised his head from the hard chair he'd somehow managed to fall asleep on and spoke, his voice thick with sleep. "What's wrong? Is she okay?"

A giggle met his ears. His brain, foggy and slow, tried to process this. He ran his hands over his face, then he looked over and saw Katelynne sitting next to him, laughing at his obviously confused expression.
"I'm fine Kell. Just a little sleepy myself. I'm done, don't have to come back for another three weeks. Can we head home?"

Kellin nodded, plastering on his now classic plastic smile, "Yeah, lets go, babe."

Kellin followed Katelynne after a quick glance around the room... no sign of the girl. Sigh. He put his arm protectively around Kate's waist as they got into the elevator, headed home, and dropped a kiss to her forehead gently whilst the doors closed behind them.


THREE WEEKS LATER
"Babes, I really think this could be good for you. C'mon, please?" Katelynne begged and clasped her hands together, widening her eyes just so, giving Kellin the full effect of the puppy-dog-pout she'd mastered. "Just go once! Then you can say you've done it and not ever go again if you really hate it! I'll be in chemo the whole time, there's no point in you sitting around doing nothing in those God-awful waiting room chairs anyways. Puh-lease?"

Kellin chuckled a bit and shook his head in resignation, he knew there wasn't any good in denying it much longer... Katelynne always won. "Yeah, yeah... FINE! I'll go!"

Kate wrapped her skinny arms around his neck, leaning in close and looking to him through her thick lashes, "Thanks, Kell, I love you."

"Only for you, Kate. Only for you."

"Hi, I'm Kellin, and I'm here for my wife." The others in the room nodded his way, making him feel even more like shrinking into the fold-up chair so as to disappear completely. "She, um, she really wanted me to come. Seems to think it'll help."

"We're here for you, Kellin. We are all gathered here because we know what it is to have a loved one diagnosed with cancer," Kellin cringed, he still wasn't comfortable with the harsh word, "we are here because we understand. Welcome, Kellin."

A chorus of, 'Welcome, Kellin' could be heard throughout. He nodded in thanks before dropping his eyes to study his beat up vans. He really wished he could be anywhere else but in that steel chair in that circle in that claustrophobic room. He hated listening to the people who'd lost their family and friends to a battle with cancer. He'd heard many promises from Katelynne's doctors that she would be fine, that hardly anyone dies from breast cancer anymore, so listening to the stories of fights lost and hearts broken only tore down the fragile confidence he'd built up. It was about halfway through the hour when Kellin finally began to care about what was being said around him.

There was a screech of the metal chair legs against the tiled floor, then the squeak of Chuck Taylors against the ground, and next the clink of a hoodie's zipper against the steel seat, all followed by the sound of a voice that seemed eerily familiar to Kellin. "Sorry. Infusion was pretty packed, took a while to drop her off."

Kellin's head snapped up. He saw her, sitting directly across from him in the 'special circle'. The girl, the one with the eyes that he couldn't seem to get out of his head in the past three weeks since he'd first seen her.

"That's just fine, Rowan," So that was her name... Kellin didn't pay much attention to the group leader as he continued, his focus was solely on the tiny girl across from him, "you're in time to share your one Goal and one Grateful."

Rowan scoffed a bit and rolled her eyes lazily, "Jason, I swear, you're silly traditions are gonna be the death of me. Aw hell," She shrugged, punching him playfully in the shoulder from her seat beside him, "I guess I'll give it a go, for you, buddy. Right, so, my Goal... I want to master this flip on my board, I've been working on it for the past couple days. My Grateful... that one's harder... Uh. Hm... I guess I'm grateful I made it here in one piece. The creepy bus driver was freakin' me out on our way here, I'm lucky I got away without him feelin' me up... Or worse."

Kellin was the only one who laughed with Rowan at that, the rest seemed to think it disrespectful. The others all shared murmurs of disapproval and shot daggers at the pair who's eyes were now locked, once again, across the expanse of the small room.

Jason shook his head and frowned at Rowan reproachfully, to which she shrugged and shot him a big, cheesy grin. Jason just shook his head again and looked toward Kellin. "Well," he called Kellin's way, forcing the preoccupied guy to look his way, much to Kellin's annoyance, "You're the newest here, why don't you give us your Goal and Grateful?"

It was bullshit, Kellin knew, to say he'd been singled out for being new... it was because he'd chuckled at a sassy kid's remark in the middle of a meeting discussing lives lost and at risk due to the C-monster.

"Yeah, sure." He felt his grin drop off his face, then, "So... My goal is to get my baby daughter to stop crying in the middle of the night? She's a hell of a screamer, she is." He got a few warm smiles at that, but he was feeling the pressure to mention his wife as that's what the others he'd heard had talked of, even though he hated talking about her condition as it made the whole thing more real, "And my Grateful is... my wife's having her second, erm, treatment today and the doctors are really happy with her progress."

He moved his gaze back to Rowan, who appeared to be busy playing with a loose thread on her sleeve, but Kellin knew better. He knew what was beneath those sleeves, and he saw her subtly graze her fingers over the scars and cuts he knew coated her forearms.

"Hello?" Jason sounded annoyed, Kellin realized he'd been too caught up to hear that Jason had been asking him a question before.

"Sorry, what?"

"I asked what her diagnosis and treatment were?"

"Uh," He shifted around again, suddenly feeling his face grow hot, he hated talking about all of this any more than he had to. His eyes stayed on his hands as he replied, "She's got... um... Breast cancer. Stage three. Lobular. She's doing the ACT Chemo treatment. Uh, she's doing the A/C part, then the mastectomy and reconstruction, then the T, then radiation, then anti-estrogen meds."

He sighed, really wanting to just sleep right now. Kellin hated that his wife had to go through all of this. It wasn't fair one bit. He just wanted to stop talking about it.

"My sister's friend from high school's mother did that." Said an annoyingly high-pitched voice from his right. A few chairs away, Kellin saw the woman cross her arms over her chest and stick her nose up a bit, Kellin knew his appearance didn't do much to gain him sympathy and understanding from the hoity-toity busy-bodies surrounding him.

"Oh," Jason brightened up, smiling at the woman who could maybe offer the new guy some comfort, "thank you for sharing, Stacey. How's the mother doing now?"

"Not so good if you ask me... Six feet under." The woman examined her fake nails with bored disinterest.

"Oh..." Jason's ears grew red, he was trying frantically to think of something to say to comfort Kellin, the latter of which's eyes had dropped back to his hands, his stomach tightening uncomfortably.

"Fuck you," Rowan spat. Stacey's eyes flashed up, disbelief and disdain written plainly on her face. "Oh don't give me that look. You know damn well you were just a complete bitch to him so don't you dare look at me like that. Apologize to him."

"Excuse me!" Stacey squealed, her voice like nails down a chalk board, "Lookie here kid, having a mother with cancer doesn't give you an automatic 'in' to this group. You are just a spoiled brat who is used to getting sympathy votes because you look sick yourself! I don't need some toddler making issues for me when I'm just getting over the loss I've suffered."

"Fist off," Rowan stood, taking measured steps toward the center of the circle, headed straight to Stacey and fuming all the while, "I look sick because I've not slept in a week because my mom's up all night puking her guts out. So secondly, I do, in fact, have a mother with cancer... but probably not for much longer and once she's out of the picture I won't be forced to come to these fucking meetings and I'll be out of your hair. Thirdly, this 'loss' you speak of is the death of your third cousin's daughter's fiancé, who you mentioned that you only met twice, that happened four years ago! That does not make you a fellow of mine... you have not suffered like the rest of us. The late nights of pleading with God, the Why Me's or Why Her's, the hours upon hours of waiting for test results that you already know will say something bad and result in more treatment, watching your childhood hero crumble before your eyes into nothing more than a mess of tears and wigs and alcohol and hatred. And lastly, I am not a fucking child, I can't be a child anymore." Rowan now stood inches away from Stacey, her hands clenched into fists so tightly that Kellin worried her paper-thin skin would finally snap from the strain of her knuckles protruding out, "I have to be a nurse, a parent, a spouse, a student, and more of a grown up than you'll ever be! AND I AM THIRTEEN YEARS OLD... for your FUCKING INFORMATION!"

Stacey stood up and slapped Rowan across her left cheek, with such force that Rowan's head involuntarily snapped to the right to meet Kellin's shocked gaze. He couldn't contain himself any longer.

"WHAT THE FUCK?! Back off her!" Kellin threw himself upright, wedging himself between Rowan and Stacey. "What the hell kind of person hits a child?! You are more fucked up in the head than anyone in this room, and definitely more fucked up then Rowan. So back the fuck up before I do way more damage to you than your 'loss' ever could!

Everyone in the room was frozen. No one dared to make a move, even breathe too loudly, for fear it would set off the mess of a man stood before them. With his tattoos, shredded skinny jeans, wrinkled t-shirt that read 'Fuck the World. Just Remember to Use a Condom' and ripped up sneakers, Kellin's appearance'd had them all uneasy since he walked into the room... but now? Now they were all a mixture of horrified and disgusted as they gazed open mouthed at the scene before them.

After what felt like an eternity, Stacey spun around, gathered her outrageously expensive purse, and clomped her way toward the door at a speed too hurried to seem natural.

Kellin suddenly felt all of his energy evaporate from him once again, but there was something more pressing than his exhaustion, Rowan. He turned back around, looking down, but seeing nothing behind him but the floor. He spun around a bit, searching, but coming up empty again. "R– Rowan?"

"Kellin," Jason stood, standing a good distance from Kellin, with his hands raised, palms forward, in a sign of surrender, "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Wh–" Kellin finally looked up to meet Jason's cautious gaze, "What? Well, whatever. I–" He couldn't find anything in himself that cared about leaving this ludicrous meeting, he only cared about one thing just now, "Where did she go?"

Jason shrugged, "If I were you I'd steer clear of that kid. She's messed up. In fact, today was the most I've heard her talk in the three years I've known her. Trust me, here."

"You know what," Kellin reached down to scoop up his hoodie, keys, and wallet which he shoved into his pockets, "I seem to have lost all of the fucks I could've given about your waste of space opinion. You are all royally fucked up, and I hope to God that I never see a single one of you again. Have a nice life."

With that, he stormed out of the room, his steps echoing hollowly in the cold room he left behind. His search began.
Amidst his frantic searching, Kellin felt guilt weighing him down. He'd scared the poor kid off. He'd flipped the fuck out right in front of a kid who was scared enough as it was. This was all his fault, she'd only ever stood up to defend him in the first place.

Suddenly, Kellin's train of though was interrupted by a small sounds from behind a closed door to his left. It was barely noticeable, but it was there nevertheless. Kellin stopped in his tracks, tip-toeing toward the door carefully.

A scuffle, a sniffle, and a running tap.

But it was coming from the men's restroom. So it couldn't be her. Kellin felt disappointment wash over him. Just as he turned to go again, he froze yet again. A voice filtered through the door.

Muffled by the wood, he heard a low voice whisper into a phone, "Yes, I understand. I just didn't feel well so I left early, I'll be up later on. I'll go to the cafe on the plaza level... do you think I have time? Okay. Text me if you change your mind, okay? Yes. Bye."

It was her. Kellin was positive, he'd found her. He raised his arm to knock, but thought better of it, she was in the bathroom after all. Ugh. He couldn't wait. He knocked.

"One minute."

"Er, it's me, from the group."

"Jason?"

"No... The guy who yelled."

"Oh... Come in?"

Kellin could hear all the emotion from earlier was gone again from her voice, she was back to her old, empty, bored self. Huh, he realized there was a version of her that he was 'used to', funny.

"Hey, are you alright?" Kellin nudged the door open but clamped a hand over his eyes, just incase.

He was surprised to hear a small chuckle, "I'm descent, you know, you can look."

Kellin dropped his hand carefully, still squinting his eyes a bit to test it out. She was, in fact, dressed and appropriate. Kellin was surprised to find that the bathroom was single stalled, the sink was grimy and sat beneath a dingy mirror. The toilet was in the far corner, with a girl perched atop the tank and her feet set on the closed lid. The girl had her hood up again, so that he couldn't see her face in its shadow.

"So, uh," Kellin rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, in all of his looking for the girl he'd forgotten to think about what exactly he was hoping to achieve by finding her, he was now lost as to what to do or say, "are you? Okay, I mean?"

"Yeah. Always am." She shrugged. Kellin highly doubted that.

"Yeah... right. So how are you really?"

"I will be okay." She growled a bit, dropping the fluff, "I'm fine. You can go now."

"Uh," Kellin smirked a bit, going over to the sink to wet some paper towels with cold water, "I don't think so. Here, look up."

She instead looked further into her lap, refusing to meet his gaze, "It looks way worse than it feels. It's no biggie. Really."

Kellin hooked his finger under her chin lightly to tug her face up. Her skin was icy to the touch and her jaw bone was prominent too, jutting out from beneath her sickly pale skin. Her eyes were forced to meet Kellin's again, but he only allowed himself a moment to drown in her orbs before he looked to her cheek. There was a bright red handprint that was the only hot part of her skin, and her sharp cheek bone was beginning to bruise. Splotches of yellow, red, violet, and blue were blossoming around her eyes there. Kellin felt his chest tighten a bit, and knew his expression was reflecting his shock and horror, Rowan's eyes looked away from his face. She was grossly used to this reaction, the few people who managed to see her skin beneath her thick coverings always looked at her with that mixture of pity and slight disgust, they never meant it, but it was just their initial reaction before they could mask it with a smile.

Kellin swallowed hard, forcing himself to smile at the battered child sat before him as he raised his hand to wipe away the blood dripping from the tiny slice in the middle of her bruising cheek with the damp, cool paper.

"Ah." She flinched unintentionally as he hit the cut just the wrong way, Kellin nearly jumped a foot back. "No, no," she shook her head at him. "It's fine. Just, uh, go easy."

"Sorry." But he stepped forward again anyway, finishing quickly before moving back to rummage around in the small cabinet behind the mirror. "Just another minute."

Rowan nodded, then stayed still as Kellin dabbed her cut with hydrogen peroxide and then Neosporin.

"You don't need to do all this."

Kellin shrugged a bit, "I do though. It's my fault you got hit. That woman is batshit crazy by the way, she had no right, I can't believe a grown woman would hit a kid like that I just--"

He was cut off by a slight chuckle, Rowan bit her pale lip to stifle another giggle.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Well, none of this is your fault. Trust me, I've encountered much worse by the hands of crazy people. Also, you're very amusing when you're so distraught." She coughed to hide another laugh.

Kellin felt himself smile too, despite his best efforts to take this seriously. His first real smile in what felt like years took over his lips. He was just as startled to find her laughing as he was to find himself doing so as well. But then his thoughts caught up with him... She'd said she'd suffered worse at the hands of others, he'd seen the bruises that were dotted along her arms like splattered purple paint. She was beyond skinny, surprisingly tiny for her age, and he knew those slices along her arms were most likely self-inflicted. This kid was, in fact, messed up... But that didn't mean she deserved to be abandoned on a regular basis for fear of what had happened to her in years past.

"Yo!" Rowan snapped her fingers in front of Kellin's eyes, "Earth to dude!"

"Sorry..." He shook his head, scooping his hair away that fell into his eyes as a result, "Were you saying something?"

"You're phone's ringing." She tugged harder on her sleeves, making sure to keep them hidden from view as Kellin looked down between them at his phone. Even as he slid the bar across his screen, Kellin kept his eyes on her hands as she scratched her forearms through the thick fabric of today's navy hoodie.

"Hello?" Kellin asked his wife, hearing a nurse in the back ground of the call.

"Thanks, Linda! Sorry, babe. I was calling because I'm gonna be a bit longer than I realized. The doc wants me to go try on wigs because my hair is already thinning so much. You can go on out for lunch with the guys though, I'll be done in a few hours or so. I'm sorry babe. I'm headed down to the group room now to say bye, see you soon okay?"

"No no. Don't worry about it... I'll be fine, I'll head on and be back before you know it. See you later."

"Why? Got a secret new posse in Group you're trying to keep hidden away already?" His wife chuckled, but Kellin couldn't respond really because that might be partly true, "I'm kidding, Kell. Sure, see you later babe, sorry again."

Kellin hung up, still feeling a strange guilt bubbling in his stomach. He had spent the last three weeks (tour had ended a week ago, he'd been home ever since) feeling like maybe he should say something to his wife about the curious girl he seemed to be so captivated by lately. He always stopped himself before he said anything though, there was something about the girl that he wanted to figure out himself. It was like a good book, one that was so dear to his heart—even though he was only on the first chapter—that he couldn't bear to share it with anyone just yet. He wanted to know the little, navy-eyed girl that haunted his every waking moment. He felt the strangest urge to save her... what from, he couldn't say. Still, he watched... as she shrunk in size before his eyes and the scars littering her arms multiplied and the shadows beneath her deep blue eyes darkened and she began to look like a walking skeleton... he watched it all occur before his eyes. And as he watched her tragedy unfold silently before his eyes, he knew he had to save her. If from nothing else, then at least save her from herself.

"Old lady raggin' ya?" Rowan's voice broke him out of his reverie, her tone was playful but her eyes showed something else... something like sadness.

Kellin nodded as he chuckled. "You gonna be alright, then?"

Rowan beamed at him, a smile that never touched her eyes, "Always am! I'm good! You go get some, dude."

"Hey!" Kellin laughed a little then, too, as Rowan's smirk grew and she wiggled her eyebrows at him. "You shouldn't talk like that! Seriously, shouldn't you be in school and gossiping about One Direction or something?"

"Oh as if!" Rowan punched his arm playfully, "Boy bands are so the last thing on my mind! I'm way more mature than I look, buddy. Probably way more mature than you, Mr. Chivalrous-Tattoo dude! Besides, I graduated early."

"You already graduated middle school?" Kellin asked, moving to put away all of the supplies he'd used on Rowan's injuries.

"Nope." She smirked that false smirk again, hopping down to stand by the door, "I've already graduated college."

"No way!" Kellin was genuinely shocked, and also felt a strange surge of pride. He didn't even know this kid, yet he felt like he wanted to take her around town telling anyone and everyone about all that she could do. "Good for you, Ro."

Rowan quirked up her left eyebrow, but gave no further recognition of his new nickname for her. She nodded in thanks, waiting for Kellin to finish packing up before swinging the heavy wooden door back to hold open for him. Once they were both in the hallway, Rowan began walking, Kellin had no idea where he was or where he was going, so he decided to just follow the fascinating girl ahead.

"Where are we headed?" Kellin couldn't take the time to look at the large-print signs all around them, instead his gaze stayed fixated on Rowan. He couldn't help but notice the fact that the top of her head only barely reached his elbow, and he was nowhere near a big guy. She was tiny.

She shrugged her shoulders delicately, "I'm headed to the caf. You're just stalking me."

"I am not." But he knew he sort of was. "I need to get to the lobby, that's how to get to the lot I'm parked in."

"That's on my way. Just hold up." Kellin did as she asked, halting and waiting as she ducked into a janitor's closet. She popped back out a moment later with a beaten up skate board in one hand and a backpack slung over her opposite shoulder. "Well, c'mon then!"

Kellin started to follow her, again, down the winding halls and sharp turns and bland paint. "So, you ride?"

"Yup. I'd ride everywhere if I didn't have my mother to contend with. Even still, I ride as much as I can. I'm pretty fucking awesome at it, if I do say so myself." She grinned up at him, but Kellin noted again that the smile never touched her eyes. He wondered if it ever did.

"You should show me sometime." Kellin smiled to himself at the idea of having an excuse to see this girl again who seemed to have such a hold over him.

"Yeah sure." Rowan smirked his way again as they stepped together into the elevator, yet still it seemed false. Like all the false promises of happiness she'd probably handed out over the years. He was becoming familiar with those 'I'm fine!' and 'Doing better, and you?' answers himself, he was sure she'd muttered more than her fair share of lies similarly. After that, the ride in the elevator was eerily quiet. Broken only by their breaths and a barely noticeable growl from Rowan's stomach. Kellin smiled at that as she only ducked her head and crossed her arms tightly over her stomach as if to silence its protests.
They arrived on the Plaza Level floor much too soon for Kellin's liking.

"Alright." Rowan sighed, hitching her bag back up onto her shoulder as it'd begun to slip down, "This is where we go our separate ways."

"Here." Kellin dug around in his pocket, fishing out his wallet and yanking a few bills free, "Let me buy your lunch."

"Nah." Rowan shoved his hand back toward his chest with her much smaller palm, the money still clutched in his own grasp. "I'm not hungry. I'm headed to get my mom a soda."

"Bullshit," Kellin rolled his eyes at her, smiling anyway, "C'mon. No need to be polite here. I know you're hungry!" He chuckled again, "Go ahead, take it. It's fine."

"I'm being serious. I ate earlier, a huge meal. I'm totally full. And Chemo patients get free drinks on treatment days, so I don't need any money. It's fine. Thanks anyway though."

Kellin knew that was all lies. He'd heard her stomach, he knew she was definitely not all full. However, before Kellin had time to say another word, Rowan spun on her heel and began to run toward the cafe.

"Hey, wait!" Kellin shot an arm out, meaning to grab her board to stop her, but accidentally clamped his hand around her wrist.

Rowan spun back, but kept her eyes down, as she hissed in pain.

"Oh, shit! Sorry, Ro, I didn't mean to. I just, sorry." He knew that he'd grabbed a part of her body that was most probably still freshly sliced open, it'd probably really stung. "Sorry."

Rowan kept her eyes down, hitching her bag back higher on her shoulder, "No, I'm fine." Kellin wondered how many times she'd said that, and how few of those times had she actually meant it, "What, uh, what did you need?"

"I just... Do you mind hanging out with me while I wait for my wife?" He really just wanted to keep her around longer, hoping he could maybe get her to eat something if he bought it for her.

Rowan sighed, her eyes still remaining shrouded by her dark, messy locks. "Sure."

"Thanks."

"No problem dude."

He highly doubted it was no problem as she suddenly seemed really shifty, looking as if she was begging for an escape from his presence. "Why do you call me that?"

"I don't know your name." She shrugged, shoving her sleeves as far down her arms as they would go while still keeping her hands on her bag and board.

"Wait, really?" Kellin thought back, 'Huh, I guess not.' He realized then, "I'm Kellin."

"Good to know." Rowan looked up at him finally. She studied his appearance for a few minutes before his gaze caught hers. He knew then why she'd kept her eyes away at first. Even as her orbs dropped quickly, they weren't quick enough. Kellin was able to see they were still red-rimed and a bit bloodshot and glassy, she'd been about to cry when he'd asked her about food.
As they grabbed trays and made their way to the line for entrees, Kellin watched her. Whilst he examined the girl, he watched as the joking, smiling, funny Rowan he'd seen earlier disappeared. In her place stood the tiny, frail, bad-ass girl with a supposed heart of steel who he'd first seen in the waiting room that day. She was visibly shrinking back into her hoodie, looking as if she wanted to disappear. Kellin mentally kicked himself as they grabbed their meals (he grabbed a slice of pizza with fries and sour cream and onion chips while she chose a small apple and a few shreds of lettuce that she'd meant to call a salad) for ever mentioning whatever it was that had upset her. He couldn't figure Rowan out, but he planed to. He made a promise to himself, as he paid and helped her search for a booth that was out of the way, that he wouldn't give up until he cracked down her walls. Though he felt like she could tell him to jump and he'd ask how high, he also felt insanely protective of the girl sat opposite him. He swore to see her smile. Not the plastic grin she painted on to please others, but a real smile. Kellin wouldn't give in until he saw Rowan's navy blue eyes sparkle with the light of her real smile.

Notes

Shout-out to:
Bandsaremylife

Thank you to all of my subscribers! You guys rock. Seriously, I'm dealing with a lot right now but knowing you guys are interested in something I've worked so hard on helps so much.
Thank you,
MM

Comments

Where in the world is Mati Marie!? :(

Hey !
please continue this story... i need to know what happens to Rowan.

Xxbsx Xxbsx
5/10/16

Are you still writing this story?

Are you still going to finish this story. I'm still in love with Rowan and I really need closure. I know it's been like 8 months but please finish it. I'd still love to read it