Katelynne regarded Rowan carefully while still trying to look as if she weren’t studying her. She watched as Rowan chewed her nails, pulled at loose threads on her hoodie, began tapping a familiar beat onto the edge of the linoleum topped table of the mall food court. She was doing whatever she could to keep herself busy, anything but eat the Subway sandwich sat before her. Katelynne didn’t have much of an appetite either but she knew it was a different circumstance.

“You need to eat a little more, Ro.” Rowan’s doe eyes looked all too much like a baby’s as she slid her gaze from Kate to the sub. Katelynne tried not to interfere, not wanting to draw attention from passersby as that would clearly only make the situation worse, but still wanting Rowan to eat at least enough to live.

Rowan’s eyes bore into the three inches of white bread, stuffed with two slices of turkey, half a slice of swiss cheese, and a meager sprinkle of lettuce, as if it would catch on fire at any given moment. Should she eat it? She shouldn’t, she’d eaten enough today. Besides, she hardly liked going back on her word. But then again, Katelynne had done so much for her today, how could she dare make this harder on her? She picked at it, pulling free a bit of meat and greens, and nibbled cautiously. Katelynne seemed pleased to see she was trying, which only made Rowan feel worse for the promise she’d set for herself earlier. She swallowed all of three mouthfuls, avoiding the bread completely, and oddly she didn’t yet feel full. Why was that? She knew she wouldn’t magically adjust to food this quickly, right? Surely this wasn’t normal. Then agin, when had her body ever fallen under the category of ‘normal’. Rowan therefore hummed to herself, blocking out the voices the best she could, and forced down another couple bites. The guilt didn’t subside one bit but the huger burned just a little bit more and that was all she needed to succeed in eating all of the inside from the sandwich, still avoiding the bread.

Sipping on her diet soda, Rowan saw Katelynne’s brown eyes shining with pride. She blushed, but did in fact like the feeling of making someone proud. “So what do we do now?” Rowan asked, trying to steer the attention away from herself.

“Kell just texted me, they’re on their way now. Until then we just wait, unless there’s another store you wanted to check out…” She raised her penciled brows, as if Rowan would jump excitedly at this precious chance for more shopping, and laughed at the resulting expression of horror on Rowan’s face instead.

As if on cue, Kellin came into Rowan’s peripheral vision, not alone and not empty handed. Beside Kellin was an equally, well… equally not tall, man with ginger hair, gelled to perfection and short enough to show off his stretched ears and the tattoos staining his skin beneath the casual button up tee he wore. On this man’s hip perched Copeland and in Kellin’s hands were one small white plastic bag and one much larger, narrow white box, topped with a plastic handle.

“Hey guys!” He sidled up to the table where the girls sat, pulled out a chair beside Rowan, and his friend took the one across, beside Katelynne. Kellin had this mischievous look in his eyes as he smirked at Rowan, “Have fun?”

She rolled her eyes, “I think I see why Kate keeps blackmail on your sassy self.”

Kellin laughed a little but his friend’s chuckle was louder, his eyes wide as if he wasn’t expecting that out of the girl’s mouth. Seeing where her eyes were, Kellin explained, “This is my best friend, Matty Mullins, lead vocalist of Memphis May Fire and my gay lover.”

His playful tone and teasing words were lost on Rowan, her focus more so trained on making sure her sleeves were down, but she did offer him a kind smile, “Nice to meet you.”

“You too.” None of the adults at the table told Rowan that this wasn’t the first time she’d been in Matty’s presence since she’d been unconscious the last time. Kate, Vic, and Matty had taken turns keeping Kellin company while Rowan recovered seeing as he’d refused to leave her side for longer than two minutes at a time. Either way, this was still their first proper introduction. “Kellin’s said a lot of good things about you, but I’m sure he hasn’t done the same for me.”

“What’s good about you?” Kellin replied in a superior tone, jutting his chin up and looking down as if his friend were a mere peasant. Rowan laughed, enjoying the sarcastic Kellin that she rarely saw anymore as he always acted like she’d shatter to pieces if he said the wrong thing. “Matty will be with us on tour.”

This made Rowan even more keen to observe the man diagonally from her, she stared more closely as Matty let Katelynne have Cope, but still made silly faces to keep the baby entertained.

“So what did you two get up to?” Kellin went on, the bag in his lap and the box by his feet as he leaned onto the table.

“I was able to drag Rowan through Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, Urban Outfitters, Anthropologie, Free People, Vans, and Icing without any kicking or screaming.” Katelynne looked proud, as if showing off a trick she’d taught a puppy, which made Kell, Matty, and Rowan laugh. Rowan noticed Katelynne didn’t mention Hot Topic, which was good because she wanted to see the surprise on Kellin’s face when she put on one of the shirts, nor Victoria’s Secret, which Rowan was grateful for, for obvious reasons.

“Sounds like a successful one then.” Matty concluded, sharing a quick private look with Kellin that Rowan couldn’t understand.

“What’d you guys do?” Rowan asked to be polite.

“Oh, you know…” Kellin trailed off, his acting skills were amateur at best. And no, Rowan didn’t ‘know’. “…stuff.”

“Well gee, you’re eloquent.” Rowan joked, folding her arms tightly and leaning back into her chair, becoming increasingly antsy as time wore on.

“I know, just one of my many talents.” Kellin mimed tossing his imaginary flowing locks over his shoulder in a diva-esque way. “I’ll tell you about my errands later.”

If he really thought that would quell Rowan’s curiosity then he’d clearly never met her. Katelynne changed the subject, “Matty, are you coming back to ours?”

“Sorry, I wish I could but I’m taking Ashley out. Trying to get as much time together in before leaving and all.” Matty truly looked apologetic that he couldn’t come but his eyes also seemed to be somewhere far away when he talked about whoever Ashley was, which made Rowan smile.

“I picked him up though, so we’re dropping you off, right?” Kellin asked, to which Matty nodded. “Let’s bolt, then.”

Matty insisted on carrying a good deal of the bags, only leaving one for Katelynne. Cope refused to release her mother and Matty wouldn’t let Rowan carry anything so, since neither of them were occupied, Rowan leant against Kellin’s side. He smiled but it drooped as he noticed the girl looked dead on her feet, a look he’d seen on her before and didn’t like one bit. He bent down in front of her but she hesitated so he sort of threw her onto his back. “Wha— Kellin!” Her shock was smothered with a breathy laugh, giving in. She locked her legs around his waist and her arms fell over either of his shoulders, her chin resting on his left.

“Comfy?” He asked, his hands beneath her legs to keep her supported as even now she seemed on the verge of fainting. Kellin realized then just how treacherous the simple day trip must’ve been for her, knowing she hardly had strength as it was, and he admired just how hard she was trying to seem ‘normal’.

“Eh, it’ll do,” Rowan replied, attempting to sound sassy but Kellin could hear the gratitude underneath. They reached the car and Matty loaded the trunk while Kate strapped Copeland in. Rowan clambered into the back row, letting Katelynne sit beside Cope despite her protests, and Matty took the spot next to Kellin.

The drive to Matty’s was full of conversation and music but Rowan kept to herself, feeling waves a nausea rocking her from all sides as she curled into a ball in the back. She turned the air vent so that it blew directly on her and then alternated her head between her knees and hands, trying to find a position that made the feeling subside at least a little bit. Nothing was working and by the time they stopped to let Matty out Rowan could only mumble a reply before pressing a hand over her mouth tightly. He gave her a look of concern and said something to Kellin but Rowan was blocking it out, trying to steady her breathing without opening her mouth.

“She looks green, Kell.” Katelynne added to whatever was said before, climbing out of her seat to allow better access to Rowan’s row.

“Rowan, can you hear me?” Kellin’s voice was now only inches away and Rowan was desperate to raise her head and nod, or at least look him in the eyes in hopes that would calm her stomach, but she couldn’t do it. “I’m gonna get you out, okay?”

Still unable to reply, Rowan felt her seatbelt come undone and the seat disappear beneath her as she was lifted into Kellin’s arms and carried to the front passenger seat. She peeked up, seeing Kellin at eye level, but regretted it almost at once as she bit her lip to keep herself from being sick.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, a look of desperation in his eyes too as he clearly didn’t know what to do. Rowan shook her head, trying to tell him that she couldn’t tell him, and he seemed to get it as he sighed. “This is one of the sideeffects, I’m sorry, Ro. I’m so sorry. Just breathe, okay? Breathe through it.” His expression was pleading as he looked around, as if searching the air for some answer, then he looked back to her. “Here’s what we’re gonna do. Just hold up one, two, or three. One: you can go into Matty’s and use the bathroom if you really feel sick. Two: I have some water here, you can drink some and we’ll just stay parked here and wait until you feel up to riding home. Three: you really just want to go home and you think you’ll be okay for the car ride so you want me to just drive now.”

Rowan thought a moment. Would she be able to make the car ride home? She thought she could, it was better than imposing on Matty like that or even making the rest of her family sit around here wile she selfishly waited to feel better. She held up three fingers, to which he nodded, and buckled her in. Closing the door behind himself, Kellin said his goodbyes and they were driving off, the air on full blast.

She did in fact keep it together until they pulled into the drive way, at which point she promptly threw off the safety belt, as Kellin hurried to unlock the door, and booked it into the house and to the small bathroom off the hall. Katelynne and Kellin could be heard rushing around, bringing the bags and Cope in, and only seconds later Kellin brought her a cool, wet washcloth which he used to dampen her forehead and the nape of her neck. It helped and after a few minutes of her on her knees in front of the toilet, she was able to fight it off. For the first time in a while, she wasn’t sick after scarfing down more than a couple bites. Rowan knew this was progress but at the same time it scared her shitless, she kept that to herself though as Kellin sighed in relief.

He picked her up, carrying her as he seemed to do a lot, and took her to her bedroom, allowing her to lay down. “I’m sorry.”

Swallowing thickly, Rowan peered up at him where he sat beside her on the bed. “What on Earth for?”

“That this has to be so hard. I wish they could come up with at least one drug that didn’t have sideeffects.” Rowan could tell this was a broader topic than just her own meds, he was thinking of Katelynne too.

“Maybe one day they will but for now, they have these medications at all and that’s what’s important.”

“You’re too smart, Ro.” He carefully began unbraiding her hair, letting it fall onto the pillow. “Do you want to sleep?”

Rowan almost smiled, the thought occurring to her for the first time, “I’ve spent most of my life just wanting to sleep until I died. I’m really tired of being tired. Can we just go watch TV?”

Kellin nodded, helping her up and guiding her down the hall and into the living room. Kate was there, keeping an eye on Copeland as she played with various toys on the mat splayed out on the floor. Rowan sat down on the floor, her back against the couch where Kellin lounged, and Copeland toddled over to her. Outstretched palms, Copeland offered a Little People horse toy to Rowan.

“Oh, why thank you!” Rowan enthused, acting as if she’d been given a gift from God.

Copeland giggled and plopped down to her toys again, seeming to make up some story where the horses lived in the house and the humans in the barn. Rowan wondered, as she couldn’t remember any such time, if she’d ever been that innocent. Skin unbroken, soul uncorrupted, Copeland was the picture perfect child. Rowan couldn’t help but smile at her, running her fingers over the gift horse.

“I have something for you, too.” Kellin broke in, distracting Rowan again. What else could they possibly give her? They did too much already! “It’s sort of a two part thing, and the first part has a stipulation.” Now Rowan’s curiosity was piqued, she gave Cope back the toy and took a seat beside Kellin on the couch. “Hold up.”

She waited as he left and returned, the white bag and box in his hands, and sat again. “What’s this?”

“You have to make me a promise here, okay?” Rowan nodded without question, though the movement still made her dizzy and queasy, “I need you to look me in the eye and promise that you’ll follow the rules I’m going to give you, okay? Because technically I’m not supposed to be doing this.”

“I swear, I’ll be good.” Her grin was only half hearted, too intrigued by what this mystery present was.

Kellin shared a quick look with his wife, affirming that they both approved, and then he placed the box in Rowan’s lap. It was pretty heavy and now that she got a better look she could see it had the Apple insignia on either side.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. No way.” She tried pushing it back to him but he refused.

“It’s a late welcome home present. But I need you to trust me when I say this, don’t use it to do anything you know would be harmful. I don’t want you googling images of models or pictures of people cutting or scars and making yourself relapse, okay? Also, no social media stuff for now. That includes Tumblr.” Rowan didn’t even know what a tumbler was, wasn’t that a baby gymnastics thing? “I’m not going to tell you anything else about do’s or don’ts, I’m trusting you to know what is or isn’t good for you. I thought, I mean I saw your degree and I know it’s in English, so you can write on here. Or read, or whatever. It’s yours. Also, I’ll help you get a bunch of good music because, well, if you’re gonna be my daughter than you have to have epic taste in music.” He seemed to be enjoying the stunned, elated look on Rowan’s face but he gave one more suggestion. “This isn’t a rule, but I strongly suggest you don’t read fan fiction. That shit can get really weird really fast. And googling me or my friends will probably only be disturbing but it’s your choice.”

Rowan was speechless. She opened her mouth a handful of times but couldn’t form words. Finally she narrowed her eyes, “Is there some kind of bad news? Is this a bribe?”

Both Kellin and Katelynne laughed, “Now why would I ever do that?” Kellin’s smirk told Rowan that it wasn’t a crazy accusation, but it also seemed he was only doing this to be kind. Which only made her even more abashed. “Here, this is yours too.”

Next Rowan was passed the bag which, after digging into it, she found held a brand new iPhone 5s in black. It made her almost break down in tears. She couldn’t remember anyone ever doing something so extravagant for her. “I can’t accept this.”

“Too late. I’ve already had your name engraved on them, the number is yours. No going back.” Kellin’s resulting grin was soft and Rowan pushed both boxes beside her, throwing her arms around his neck. “Well, strangling me isn’t going to help anything.”

“If I strangle you I’d get your laptop, too.” She joked, her words muffled against his collarbone.

“Well, if I’m dead I guess you won’t get the other half of your present…” Rowan pulled back, her mouth hanging open, and he smirked.

“This was already two things!” Rowan argued, folding her arms across her chest defiantly. Kellin thought absently of how odd the scene must look to an outsider, a child pouting because she was being showered with well deserved gifts.

“Last one, I swear.” Kellin pulled a thin manilla folder from the coffee table, his hands trembling. He almost ripped the paper as he extracted it and handed it to Rowan, before grabbing Katelynne’s hands in an attempt to steady his own.

“What’s thi—” Rowan cut herself off, just gaping for a second. A million expressions flitted across her face in the split second in which she registered what she held: shock, ecstasy, concern, pain, bliss. They moved too quickly for either parent to distinguish one from the next, and suddenly they smoothed out altogether.

Rowan lifted one hand, quivering more severely than Kellin’s even, to press against her mouth and for a moment Kellin thought she was feeling ill again but then the hand fell limply to her chest, right over her heart, and tears began trickling down her cheeks. She scrubbed them away furiously, seemingly upset with herself for crying, but they persisted anyway.

Wide navy orbs slid up to lock with Kellin’s, shining with salt water and glowing with something much deeper, much closer to her heart. “Is this real?”

Kellin’s reply was breathless, as was the mirthless chuckle, “Yes, it is.” Neither Kell nor Kate could tell what thoughts chased themselves through the girl’s mind as she read the same paper over and over again. Finally she looked up at them and a beautifully true smile spread across her lips, one that Kellin had only seen maybe once or twice in the time he’d known her.

“Thank you so much.” There wasn’t much else to say. She couldn’t put into words how much this meant, it just wasn’t possible. She set the birth certificate aside and all but flung herself against Kellin, and by extension Katelynne, trying to express the thoughts without speaking. They seemed to understand as Kellin squeezed her back just as hard, telling her in his own silent way that he knew exactly where she was coming from.

---

Katelynne began picking up toys strewn across the living room floor, Kellin was ordering pizza for diner, and that was how the following task was delegated to Rowan. She had a strong suspicion that this was much more premeditated than the Quinn’s made it out to be. It made her heart thrum so hard against her ribs she feared it would wake the slumbering baby cradled in her arms. Rowan, you see, had been asked to put Cope down for her nap. Clearly, a terrifying job. To her it certainly was, she’d never had family members or family friends whose child she could’ve had contact with so this was all new to her. She appreciated their trust in her, though, and she was determined not to fail them.

Copeland didn’t so much as whimper when passed into Rowan’s thin arms, nor on the entire walk to the nursery. Granted, Rowan was going about as slow as was possible without being stationary, but still she was happy it was going well. Rowan pushed the door open with her foot and walked over to the story book perfect bed, laying Copeland down as softly as she could within the crib. She knew she should go back to the living room and let Cope sleep but for just a moment she allowed herself to lean against the crib and look in at the baby girl as she wiggled around a little in her sleep before apparently getting comfortable. Rowan’s mind drifted, wondering absently what she’d looked like as a baby. She’d never seen a single baby picture of herself. She didn’t think she ever looked as precious as her… sister? But she did wonder. Was her baby hair as dark as it was now? She’d heard that babies' eyes changed color sometimes, were her eyes always this dark shade of blue? Was she pale when she was born, or had that been a product of her neglectful upbringing? Was she very small? She figured so. She’d been so premature that she’d had to spend the first three or so months of her life in an incubator, that was the only thing she did know for sure about her birth.

Copeland made a soft murmuring sound, pulling Rowan back to Earth swiftly. She gave Cope one last fond look before walking back out to the living room.

Kellin chucked the house phone in the general direction of the couch after hanging up, announcing, “It’ll be here in forty five.”

“What to do until then…” Kate said, setting a handful of toys into a bin where they were stored.

“Fashion show,” Kellin decided, looking to Rowan who looked back confusedly, “I wanna see what you guys got. Try stuff on, I wanna see the haul.”

“Kell—” He looked too excited, Rowan couldn’t possibly back out now. “Oh, fuck it.”

“Hey! Language.” Kellin tried to look stern but it faltered as Rowan rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

“Hey, hypocrite.” He couldn’t even deny her jab, he just laughed. Rowan groaned, turning to walk down the hall to her room where she found the bags. Looking at them all set out like that made her really nervous, she started to walk back to Kellin and Katelynne and insist that she felt too sick to model for them when she bumped into something warm and tattooed.

“You weren’t headed to tell us you’re a chicken, were you?” Kellin’s teasing was only on the surface, beneath that she could see he was genuinely asking her.

She set her shoulders, stepping back from him and putting her hands on her hips defiantly, “So what if I was.”

“No way,” he responded, putting his hands on her shoulders and steering her back toward her bedroom, “Hold on.”

He left and reappeared almost immediately, Katelynne at his side, grinning as she spoke, “Oh, c’mon Ro, you’re my teenage daughter now, you better get used to modeling.”

Rowan had to force herself not to make an inhuman noise that the very thought, just putting her hands over her face and shaking her head dejectedly, muttering words into her palms. “What have I gotten myself into?”

“Just a few!” Kellin promised, taking a seat at her desk chair while Katelynne scoped out the bags and picked out a few items, shoving them at Rowan to put on. Kell and Kate made idle conversation and looked away from the doorless bathroom while she changed. Rowan watched carefully to gauge their reactions as she stepped out in the Black Craft shirt, Beverly Hills 666 printed over the front, and the Beetlejuice leggings underneath. As if Kellin and Kate had discussed the process, which could’ve been true, Kellin didn’t look first at the outfit. Instead, like Kate had in the mall, his eyes met hers and at once his lips spread wide, apparently seeing something in her expression that made him happy. Next he looked her up and down and Rowan was suddenly painfully aware of the fact that her arms were completely exposed. But Kellin didn’t seem to notice, not a flinch or the hint of a frown, he just grinned at her, “You look badass.”

To Rowan that was just about the best compliment he could’ve given her. She needed that, the feeling that her clothes were her armor and made her look tough. Katelynne smacked his arm, though, from where she leaned back against the desk, she seemed to think that wasn’t a good enough thing to say and gave Rowan a much more feminine response, “I think you look beautiful.”

“Well that too but… damn, I’ve got a punk for a daughter.” Kellin’s expression was priceless as he raked his eyes over her once again, zeroing in on something he’d not yet noticed. “Your ears weren’t pierced before I dropped you off, now they are.” He spun on Kate, narrowing his eyes, “You got her ears pierced without me?”

Rowan laughed softly to herself at seeing Kellin snap into overprotective-mama-bear-mode. Kate laughed too, “Oh relax. You said it yourself, she looks badass. Besides, you used to have your lip pierced, you really have no room to talk.”

Katelynne dug around in bags before tossing Rowan the next outfit while Kellin grumbled incoherently but Rowan almost missed catching the clothing, her wide eyes frozen on Kellin. “You used to have your lip pierced?!”

“He was once a little scene boy,” Kate said lovingly, running her hands through his hair to counteract her teasing words, “but thankfully he survived and has made it to the other side.”

“Hm,” Rowan hummed, setting the clothes on the bathroom counter and looking at her reflection before turning back to Kell and Kate, “what do you suppose I’d look like with my lip pierced?”

“Uh, no! Nope. Hell no. I’m putting my foot down. You are not going there right now.” Kellin’s eyes were wide, shaking his head furiously and resembling a dear in headlights, if the deer perhaps had a weird neck twitch. “Ears are one thing, but facial piercings? Not for a while. If ever. Probably never. Yeah, most likely never, but even if ever it’d be years from now.”

Rowan and Katelynne were practically in stitches, which didn’t amuse Kellin in the slightest. “Okay, chill, chill. I’m just gonna change.”

Kellin, still pouting, now glared at Katelynne and spoke too low for Rowan to hear, “You took her to Hot Topic didn’t you?”

“You should’ve seen her face, Kells, it was adorable. All starry eyed and a mile wide grin. It was precious really.” Kellin wasn’t ‘mad’ exactly, but he just fucking made the girl his child as of today, couldn’t he have a little more time before she became a miniature him and started blaring music when she didn’t wanna talk and wearing band shirts. He couldn’t even allow himself to picture Rowan with facial piercings, it just couldn’t happen. Not yet. “I’m serious, Kellin. It was like this exterior shell fell away and she was so beautiful and vulnerable beneath it. It was something spectacular.”

Kellin knew what she meant, he’d had a few brief glimpses through the small gaps in Rowan’s walls and knew the sight was something to behold. He felt bad for scolding Rowan about her preferences then, who was he to tell her what she should or shouldn’t like? He’d been a punk himself. Hell, he was technically a father of four and he was still a punk. Plus, he had to admit it was quite a relief to know she wasn’t going to fall into the bubblegum pop trap, he couldn’t have handled hearing that crap in his house all the time. Ugh. He was secretly cheering her on for having an awesomely macabre sense of style.

Rowan reemerged wearing black tights, a high waisted black skater skirt that had a bow in the front, a black camisole, and a white tank top with Jonny Depp’s picture from Cry Baby. It looked great put together and Kellin’s first thought was that if she wore this on tour he’d need to find a substantially heavy bat to use while fending off teenage boys. Kate’s first thought was that she could see, though Rowan wasn’t their child by blood, that her soul fit well here. It was the way she first stepped into the room shyly, wringing her hands and looking at her feet, but then she checked their expressions and there was this look in her eyes that told Kate that Rowan was going to do just fine with the crazy life that the Quinn’s totted along.

“That’s gorgeous, Ro,” Kate told her earnestly, tugging Ro’s lips up at the side as if against her will. Rowan toyed with the hem of the skirt, trying to keep calm despite the eyes she could feel on her, even though they were being kind about it. “One more.”

The mischievous look in Katelynne’s eyes told Rowan exactly what she was planning. Rowan took the bundled up fabric Kate passed her and hurriedly changed, whipping around and bounding from the bathroom with a smirk on her face as she waited for Kellin to see it. As Kellin turned to look, he saw Rowan wearing black jeggings, a black cardigan that was about two sizes too large, and —to Kellin’s horror— a tank top with his face on it. It was one thing for her to have one to wear to sleep but the idea of her wearing that on tour, his friends seeing it as well as crazed fans, made Kellin’s eyes nearly pop out of his skull.

Katelynne and Rowan laughed at the mixture of revulsion and fear in Kellin’s face. Rowan didn’t see what the big deal was but if it made Kate laugh this hard she figured this was something that’d been going on for a while. Kellin sighed dramatically, covering his face with his hands, “Dear God.”

“I think I’ve tortured both of you enough,” Kate said with a superior expression, a fine shimmering of lightheartedness coating the top, “go ahead and change back.”

Rowan didn’t have to be told twice, she immediately grabbed up her leggings and tee before Kate and Kell could even take a breath to laugh about it.

Kellin left to answer the door for the pizza and Katelynne took the opportunity to bring her old suitcase into Rowan’s room, finding her to be folding the clothes she’d tried on carefully, setting them at the foot of her bed. “Here,” Rowan helped and together they put the suitcase on her bed, “after dinner we can get you packed.”

Rowan accepted the kiss Katelynne left on the back of her head, heard her say something about going to get plates out and that Ro should come on to dinner, but she just nodded in response. She needed a moment alone. As soon as Kate had left Rowan sunk to the ground, not even moving toward a chair or the bed, just right there on the carpet in the middle of her room amongst a sea of shopping bags. She was reeling, as she often was as of late, from the shock of what her life had become so quickly. A tidal wave of emotions crashed over her and swallowed her up so that she had to put her head between her knees to try to steady herself. First was surprise, then disbelief, followed by relief, which was washed away with fear, and finally she felt peace tingling in the tips of her fingers. It was like she was dry wood catching fire, first just the faintest flicker of heat but slowly the flames licked up her arms, twitching wildly beneath her skin as they consumed every inch of her. It was almost unsettling just how forceful the feeling was. She’d felt its warmth dully over the days she’d spent here, like feeling the heat of a fireplace though there was still a covering around it protecting her from its full blast. Now she was exposed to the fire completely. She wasn’t sure how to react, her mind immediately thinking she should dig up something to cut the intense searing out of her body, but a moment later she heard the sound of something falling loudly followed by Kate’s laugh and Kellin swearing at top volume. She couldn’t just do that anymore. It didn’t work like that, not now. She was in too deep, she couldn’t just hurt them like that, the days of living –or, more accurately, not living– only for herself were no more. Therefore she forced herself to endure it, this all-consuming feeling of dependency and concern on the behalf of others.

After hearing her name called she forced herself to her feet and made her way to the dining room. It was so odd to her, this weird semblance of normalcy that lingered in the air here. It encouraged her to take her plate of pizza and sit down calmly, laughing under her breath at Copeland (as the tot complained about wanting to feed herself) before realizing she no longer had to keep her emotions completely to herself. It bolstered her strength as she picked apart her pizza and began chewing slowly, having to coach herself through it. The meal went by quickly, she’d managed to eat half a slice without force, and Rowan offered to help Katelynne with the dishes. She felt that she needed a million and one ways to give back to them all of the kindness the offered her, though they never asked for any such thing. Katelynne welcomed her and Kellin took Copeland to get ready for bed, cooing to her softly as they went in a way that made Rowan’s stomach clench for a moment. Katelynne chatted with her about simple things, which outfits should go on tour and what they’d need to shop for in the way of toiletries, which was calming to Rowan though she just nodded and ‘Mhm’ed in all the right places. She helped with quite a bit of the load before there was a screech from down the hall in the form of Kellin’s voice.

“WHAT?!” Kate looked to Rowan, panicked, and Rowan immediately took off so that Katelynne wouldn’t have to. She flew down the hall but didn’t find him in Cope’s room, nor in his own, so finally she tried her room. She rounded the corner and was met with the sight of her room in a tip, clothes in haphazard piles around and a distraught Kellin in the eye of the storm.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Rowan’s eyes scanned the room for evidence of the outburst but couldn’t see any intruder or even a spider that could’ve resulted in Kellin tossing her new stuff around the room like a Teen-Girl-Going-On-Her-First-Date-Poltergeist.

“UM, THIS!” Rowan hurried to Kellin’s side to see he was holding… oh no… it was the Victoria’s Secret bags. His hands were holding lots of colorful lace that Rowan didn't remember picking out at all, she'd rather die than be caught in the barely-there-underwear Kellin held. Rowan’s face was on fire, she could only stutter.

“I didn’t do that! Kate did!” The words flew from her lips as if pleading with a jury to believe she didn’t commit a murder. Kellin observed her expression shrewdly before seeming to decide she was telling the truth. Still he wasn’t calmed.

“Well, you’re still not taking it! I’ve grouped your clothes into two piles. One, you can pack. The other, I have vetoed.” Kellin pointed to a small pile as Pile One, and the majority of the clothes deemed Pile Two.

“Vetoed?” Rowan challenged, putting her hands on her hips in a sassy way. Kellin sassed right back, folding his own arms and nodding smugly. “You aren’t the president!”

“Doesn’t matter, I’m the dad and I have the power of The Veto. I have exercised said power on your wardrobe.” He huffed, still tossing clothes into one lump or the other.

“Do you want me to just wear the same thing everyday? Most of my closet is in the No pile!” Rowan stomped over to the aforementioned Vetoed clothing, picking up a tee to find out it read: I Only Date Guys With Tattoos. Katelynne, Rowan mentally groaned.

“This,” Kellin picked up a pair of acid wash denim shorts, which Rowan didn’t pick out, “is Vetoed.” To accentuate his point he tossed it atop the pile in a way that sent a few others toppling to the ground. “This,” he had another PINK bag, “is so vetoed I need to invent a new word for it.”

Rowan rolled her eyes, plopping down on the pile of ‘vetoed’ clothing while Kellin continued to throw items into one group or another. “Are you done?”

“Uh, no.” Kellin gave her a look that said clearly that he was no where near done, “not until you are only packing clothes that can be considered clothing!”

Part of Rowan was dying to laugh, Kellin being overprotective was sort of adorable, but she was too exasperated at the moment. She looked down at her feet and asked, “Oh Satan, what did I do to piss you off.”

Kellin snorted in response but finished by tossing two other pairs of shorts into the pile serving as Rowan’s throne. “Okay. You can pack now.”

He looked quite pleased with himself as he looked at his work, “But— I— Ugh!” She settled for sending him a glare, but he took it in stride and pulled her on into the bathroom. While he prepared her injection, Rowan cleaned her earrings with the solution. Kellin’s earlier annoyance disintegrated as he knelt in front of Rowan, his expression apologetic as she had to expose her stomach to be stuck yet again. As he poked it in she bit her lip, talking softly as he pushed the plunger, without moving her stomach much, “At least I know you’ll never have to stick pins in me in effigy, I’m a human voodoo doll.”

Kellin drew the needle out and sighed, hanging his head sadly before standing up. Rowan turned to leave and grab her pajamas but was stopped as Kellin picked her up and hugged her tight. Her height difference meant that he either had to lift her or crouch down, more often than not he ended up carrying her around this way. She wrapped her legs around his waist, winding her arms around his neck as he squeezed her comfortingly. He swayed gently from side to side, just holding her. “It’s gonna be alright, Ro. It may not be easy or quick, but it’ll be okay in the end.”

Rowan felt her eyes stinging but didn’t want to ruin her good day with crying and therefore squinched them shut, burying her face into the crook of his neck. Her words were muffled as she whispered but Kellin heard them anyway, “You don’t know that for sure.”

“I do.” She seemed about to protest but he beat her to it, “I know that because I’m gonna make damn sure of it. Okay?”

She nodded slightly, sighing so that her breath ghosted over his skin and he squished her once more. “So…”

“Yeah?” He prodded, “So what?”

“So does that mean I can take the jeans now?” Kellin laughed softly, making Rowan smile if only slightly.

“We’ll see.” She made a show of huffing again and his rebuttal was to drop her to her feet and shove her towards the door, “Go get your pajamas, I’ll send Kate in for your bath.”

Rowan did so while he left the room, muttering words under her breath as she tried to pick up and refold her clothes. Kellin found Katelynne and sent her Rowan’s way, deciding to get ready for bed himself in the meantime. He tugged on sweats but went without a shirt for now, throwing himself onto the bed. There was a small voice in the back of his mind, telling him to get up. He knew what it was encouraging him to do but he really didn’t think it was a good idea. Really, he should just wait. He should have Kate do it. He should at least ask Rowan permission to do it. But he didn't.

Kellin felt guilt settling in his stomach as he pulled out a stack of papers from his bedside table, but he ignored it. Matty was right, someone had to know what was going on with Ro. He was doing this for her own good, that's all. He tried to reason with himself but finally pushed all thought from his mind as he opened the Encyclopedia-thick file printed with 'STRATTON, ROWAN E.'

The first page was one he'd already seen, just her old birth certificate. The next was what made him tear up, it was two minuscule footprints and even tinier handprints. Beside it was Rowan's birth details: Time: 9:24AM, Weight: 2lbs 4oz, Height: 10in. He left his fingers brush over her handprints, so small they could barely have fit wrapped around one of his fingers, and turned the page again. This one was a picture of Rowan the day she was born, wrapped in a pink blanket and already closed inside an incubator. There were wires coming from every spare inch of skin she had and he flinched at the simple idea that a baby had to endure that.

There were no other baby pictures, he saw as he thumbed through the next few documents of her health, but he found one a little ways in that was her at age seven. She was unconscious, beaten black and blue, and laying on a hospital bed. The attached report explained the damage as that of her having been jumped whilst on a walk. Bullshit. He knew very well what had caused those marks and it was no stranger. There were three more images of Rowan in various states of brokenness. Age nine, eleven, and her most recent hospitalization the night of her latest suicide attempt. Each picture had a new excuse printed beside it, all of them stretched truths and outright lies aside from the statement Kellin himself had given on that fateful night.

The most formidable paper yet was one full of other small notes and counts, in bold it read: 17. Seventeen what? Kellin scoured the page and found it was the exact number of times she had attempted to take her own life. Only thirteen years old... The sheer number was what made Kellin have to swallow back the bile rising in his throat. He forced himself to turn that page, knowing he couldn't look at that document another second without breaking down. Past all of the medical records were those of her mental health. It told of her trips to the group and private therapy sessions but the reports were vague seeing as she never liked to talk in there. They were mostly just assumptions and guesses made by the phycologists based on her physical state and unwillingness to speak. There was one single transcript behind all of these, one dated when Rowan was five years old. Reading it, Kellin felt his breath catch in his throat, he had to wipe tears from his face before they could smear the ink. It was too much, he couldn't wrap his head around it. He slammed the file shut and stuffed it into the drawer, shoving it shut and pretending to sleep just as Katelynne appeared at the door. He listened silently, his tears pooling on his pillowcase as he faced away from her, as she got ready for bed. Finally, she laid down and clicked the lights off. Kellin's heart was thundering and he was sure she'd hear it, but she just turned on her side and fell asleep. When Kellin was sure she was out he sat up and put his face in his hands, confused and angry and hurt and terrified and shaking all over as he stayed awake, watching the hours tick away on the bedside clock without ever feeling an ounce tired. Those words on that paper would change everything, he knew that now, and he had no clue wether they would be able to make it through this one.

Notes

Shout outs:
Jordan070701
Tayana
Cin-D182 ( x2 ;) )
SleepingInReverse
tiff

Well, hate me all you want. I left you with a cliffhanger. I know, I'm a terrible person! But I thought we might need a little spice. Besides, things may be going well for Rowan overall but we have some things on the horizon that mightn't be easy. This chapter was written, deleted, and rewritten at least a dozen times and I'm still not 100% on it. For that, I apologize. I love these characters and their story and I feel terrible, I feel like I can't do them justice and portray the scene in my head. It's also one of the shortest chapters in this story, only twelve pages, so I'm sorry for that as well. Please bear with me, there's more to come that I think you'll enjoy!

Nevertheless, the Veto scene was one of my all time favorites. In my head, at least, it was hilarious to watch and one I've been planning for over six months thanks to my sister coming up with the scene in her head. Protective Kellin is one of my favorite Kellin's.

Still... TWO MORE CHAPTERS TILL THE START OF THE FICTIONAL WARPED TOUR!!

Do you guys watch Warped Roadies?? If so, who else is flipping to fuck out cause both FIR and MIW are on Warped this year!?!?!?! My sister and I jumped and screamed until we were dizzy as all hell!!

On a totally unrelated note, I'm on episode 3 of season 4 of Supernatural! Please guys, don't give any spoilers if you have them! But will anyone fangirl with me without ruining the rest of the seasons for me please!? I've already got my sis hooked too!

PLEASE READ:
In addition, I don't know if you guys are religious or believe in karma or some higher power or whatever, but whatever you can do I'd like you to somehow send kind thoughts to an old friend of mine's mom. Her name is Kimberly and her daughter, a girl who actually used to bully me but was also a close friend for a long time after, Savannah is missing. She originally went missing months ago, sometime in early 2013. She was severely depressed, self harmed, battled eating disorders, and instead of finding a healthy way out she fell into the toxic world of drug abuse. After trying meth, Kim tried to get Sav help but Savannah fell off the wagon and went missing that night. Around Thanksgiving Kim got a call saying to come pick up her daughter at a McDonald's in Downtown Los Angeles. Savannah could barely walk, was 5'5 but weighed just 90 lbs, her hair had been cut off and died jet black and they'd put long red fingernails on her. She was badly bruised and beaten and the people who handed her over told Kim not to thank them, they weren't giving Savannah up to be kind, she'd brought too much heat on them so they were getting rid of her. Savannah had been tied to a bed, handcuffed, and had been beaten, starved, sold to multiple men– one right after another, and had even been gang raped on many occasions. Savannah was able to get into a group home while Kimberly tried to get her placement in a drug rehab center but after being there only a couple days gang members came and kidnapped her again. She hasn't been seen since. Yes, she made mistakes, but NO ONE DESERVE THIS. Please, if you don't mind keep her in your thoughts. And if you see her call 911. If you have any information call Burbank PD, 818-238-300.

Savannah Puccio
BD: 10-10-1996
Hair/Eyes: Brown
Height: About 5'5"
Weight: About 95 lbs.

I miss you, Savvy. Please come home.

Much Love,
MM