I wasn’t sure how long I had been in the locker room but no one had come looking for me and I was thankful for that at least. I splashed cold water on my face, completely destroying what little makeup had been left. I grabbed a towel and dried my face, resisting the urge the scream into it. I looked up into the mirror, God I looked awful. My eyes were bloodshot; the already large bags under my eyes seemed to be growing the longer I looked at myself. I shook my head and reached for my purse. I dripped a few drops of Visine in my eyes, making them white again and smacked my cheeks a few times. I seriously looked like I had just died. I sighed and grabbed my purse, knowing that I would have to walk fast and stare at the ground the whole way out.
I checked the hall before I left and made my way to the doors. I made it out the hospital, thankfully without catching anyone’s attention and let out a sigh of relief which unfortunately caught in my throat as I saw him. He was sitting on one of the benches along the path walk, sunglasses on; though I could tell he looked worried. I thought about booking it the opposite way but I knew my attempt would be pointless. He had waited this long for me, which I now realized must had been almost an hour as I saw the sun setting in the distance. I noticed dark clouds rolling in and I knew I should be getting home. It looked like a huge storm was about to hit.
I took a step forward and he looked right at me, jumping up. I quickly looked away, rummaging through my purse, praying I had them. I almost laughed with relief as I pulled out my sunglasses and quickly flipped them on my face. I looked back at him, surprised that he hadn’t moved toward me. Then I understood. He knew I had to walk that way and was waiting for me. I trudged on, my feet suddenly feeling very heavy.
“Austin.” I said and he removed his sunglasses and he looked disappointed when I didn’t do the same.
“Lulu,” he returned and scratched the back of his neck before he spoke, surprising me. “Look, I was going to leave, truly I was, but I realized I can’t. Not now.” and he looked right into my eyes, well he tried but I still had my sunglasses on, I didn’t want him to see the mess that I was. “I was going to leave you alone, try to forget you,” those words stung; even though I know that I should have been thankful that he was doing what I had asked. “But I just, I have to know. Please.” He begged.
“Know what?” I asked realizing that going along with him was the only way to get home. I saw a flash of lightning coming from behind me.
“Why? Why did you give me a fake number? I mean I know I’m not the most attractive guy or anything but I thought I had been nice that day. I mean, I hadn’t, fuck, I just I can’t understand why you did that.” He seemed relieved to finally be asking me these questions.
I sighed with relief, which caused him to bring his eyebrows together in confusion. I was honestly relieved that that was the thing he wanted to talk about and not what just had taken place in the exam room. I didn’t ever want to talk about that.
“Austin,” I said in a sigh and he looked at me. I paused, debating whether or not I wanted to lie to him again. I decided that for once I would tell him the truth. “I don’t know Austin, I, I guess you can blame my inner fat kid. That bitch still creeps into my thoughts, pushing my self-esteem down and making me feel like shit. I ah, I.” I sighed and began walking, noticing that he was staring intently, keeping my pace. “I don’t know, okay? The truth? The fucking truth is that I thought I was falling for you that day and when you asked for my number, I thought maybe you were falling for me too. But then I heard this voice in my head telling me that you wouldn’t call, why would you call me?” and I realized I was asking him the last part, not telling him, so I continued not wanting him to answer. “So I gave you a fake number so that I wouldn’t torture myself, waiting for you to call because I already knew you wouldn’t so it was just, I don’t know, it just made sense at the time.” I looked down at my feet, not wanting to look at his face.
I was startled when his hand suddenly reached out and grabbed mine, he pulled my hand, causing me to turn and nearly crash into him as he positioned me right in front of him and we both stopped walking, staring at each other. He brought both his hands up to my shoulders and I felt shivers run down my entire body as I felt him hold me in place. I heard thunder.
“Lulu.” He said and I realized that he was mad. “Why the fuck would you think I wouldn’t call you?” he shook his head. “I mean shit, I called, well tried calling you, almost as soon as you left. I. I was devastated when I realized what you did.” His features softened and he looked at me, trying to look at my eyes.
“Oh, come on, Austin.” I sighed. “Why would you be devastated? I’m just…” I trailed off not knowing which word to use. Ugly. Average. Plain. Boring. A nobody. There were so many to choose from.
I stiffened when I felt his hands move from my shoulders and I saw him reaching for my sunglasses and I have no idea why, but I didn’t try and stop him as he slowly slid them off, obviously expecting some kind of reaction, his eyes never leaving mine. Before he got them all the way off though I snapped my eyes shut, I didn’t want to see his face once he saw how ragged I looked. I expected to hear a gasp, a groan, a shriek or terror, anything once he saw me but there was nothing. I kept my eyes closed until I felt his fingers brushing my cheeks.
“Lulu, open your eyes.” He pleaded his hands still on my cheeks.
I slowly did as I was told, mostly because I started to feel rain drops against my head and I still had a fifteen minute walk home. I opened them to find myself staring into his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes which never looked away, his face never changed as I looked at him; I still half expected him to run away screaming. Who would want to look at me?
It was then I noticed something. He was looking at me. Looking right at me the same way he did so many months ago, like he was trying to once again figure out a complicated math problem. Except this time I noticed something I hadn’t noticed the last time. There was a sparkle in his eyes, a light that seemed to come from within him, as ridiculous as that sounded. I recognized the look, it was a look I had never received personally but noticed other people get throughout my lifetime. It was a look of pure love. There was no other way to describe it but this guy was looking at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on and he had fallen hopelessly in love. Did he love me? No. There is no way he could possibly love me.
He spoke clearly and softly, making sure I caught every word. “Lulu Rumner.” I couldn’t help but wonder how he knew my last name. “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.” I flinched and started to shake my head. “No listen to me.” he ordered, gently applying pressure to my head with his hands so I would stop shaking it. “I mean it. I have never met anyone like you and I would be lying to you, and more importantly to myself if I said that I didn’t think there was anything happening between us.” He looked down I swear I saw him begin to blush as he looked back up at me, looking me right in the eyes. “Lulu, I love you.”
I love you. I love you. Lulu, I love you.
I kept repeating it in my head. I must have heard him wrong. I did. He didn’t say that. Why would he. Then he said it again.
“Lulu, I love you. I have ever since I met you seven months ago and I can’t get you out of my head. And believe me, I’ve tried.” He let out a laugh. “I don’t know how and I don’t why but it’s you. It’s always going to be you and now that I have you here, in my arms, within reach. I am never going to let you go. Ever.” I never heard someone speak with so much passion, so much…love as he did just then.
And of course that’s when I heard it, that voice in my head.
He’s lying.
The wall flew up so fast that I swear it would have knocked me off my feet if Austin hadn’t been holding me. It was the same wall that he had slowly been chipping away since I saw him earlier today; the one that I used to keep people away, not allowing someone to get too close. I suddenly saw red. I was mad, no, I was furious. Why did I do this to myself, why did I allow him to do this to me? He was lying, he had to be. No one loved me. No one possibly could.
I pushed against his chest, causing him to stumble back and release his grip on my head.
“No!” I screamed at him and turned on my heel and started stomping away, shouting over my shoulder. “Don’t say that, don’t you dare say that to me Austin Carlile. Don’t fucking lie to me. I hate you.”
No! I screamed mentally. What was I doing? Why did I say that? I didn’t want to say that. I wanted to say the complete opposite, tell him the same thing he had just told me. I loved him. I barely knew him but I fucking loved that boy. I needed him. These past few months I had needed him so bad. Even though I told myself I barely thought of him since I blew him off, it was all a lie. A lie I told myself to keep the pain away. His face was the last thing I saw before I fell asleep and the first thing I saw when I woke up. He was everywhere. I hated myself for ever letting that voice stop me all those months ago when he asked for my number.
If only I had given him my number. Things would be so different now, I would have never… I felt the hot tears burn my cheeks as they streamed down my face. I was so mad, so hurt, so vulnerable. And I hated it, hated myself.
“Lulu!” he shouted behind me. And that’s when I heard it. His voice caused something to snap inside me. He was pissed, livid. He couldn’t believe what I had done and I knew it was because he knew exactly what I wanted to tell him. He knew I loved him. I don’t know how I knew he knew but I did.
I heard his steps coming behind me and he gripped my arm and tugged hard, this time causing me to crash right into him as I turned, my arms landing on his chest. He lips crashed down on mine and I felt his hands gripping the sides of my face again, not letting me move. I weakly fought against him, my small arms punching against his chest. He didn’t move one bit. All I could feel were his lips on mine forcefully trying to make mine move, and with a loud crack, I felt the wall in my head come crashing down. And suddenly he was all I could see, all I could feel, all I could sense.
I opened my mouth and his tongue hungrily found mine and my lips starting move rapidly with his, matching pace. I stopped pushing against him and instead slipped my arms around his neck, pulling him hard against me, trying to get as close to him as possible. He dropped his hands from my face, now realizing I wouldn’t fight back and snaked his arms around my waist, pulling me in so close that it almost hurt. But it was a good kind of hurt. We stood there, literally sucking face for I don’t know how long but I suddenly realized I couldn’t breathe.
I gasped and pulled my lips away from him. We were both breathless. Neither one of us loosened our grips on the other though. I just looked up and stared at him, both of us breathing raggedly. Our eyes were locked and I was lost in the brown of his eyes when I heard another crack, causing me to jump. He smiled and I suddenly realized something. We were soaked. It was pouring down rain. And my clothes were literally drenched, as if I had just jumped into a pool. There was another crack and I saw flashes of light around me and realized it was thunder I had been hearing.
Austin bent down and placed a small, sweet kiss on my lips and I felt him begin to pull away. I begin to jut my bottom lip out in a pout and he laughed, gripping my hand.
“C’mon,” he said and slowly began to let go of my hand. “My cars over here.”
I watched as he started jogging toward a black car parked a few feet away from us. And I smiled when I realized it was the same black car I had seen before. Then I grinned when I suddenly realized that I had been smiling. For the first time in weeks I had a reason to smile. It wasn’t fake and it wasn’t forced. I was actually smiling. I saw Austin pull open the car door and he looked up at me, a huge cheesy smile on his face and he called out my name with a laugh, telling me to hurry.
Quick, now’s your chance. Run.
I ignored the voice that I barely heard in my head, telling me to turn and run home; instead I laughed and began walking toward Austin. I finally realized one last thing before I reached the car.
I no longer felt completely and utterly lost. Austin had found me. Again.