I stood there, dumbfounded, probably wearing the most shocked facial expression of all time. He was still smiling and I couldn’t help but look at him. Fuck. He was still as sexy as before, my eyes trailing the flurry of tattoos along his tan skin. His hair was longer, no longer buzzed on one side, and he was looking right at me with those big chocolate eyes of his.
“Fuck,” I muttered as I actually dropped the clipboard this time, tearing my eyes away from his. “Austin, what?” I said straightening up. “What on earth are you doing here? How did you…?” I trailed off and walked more in the room, setting the clipboard on the counter.
This time when I looked at him he wasn’t smiling anymore, just staring at me, the way he did that first day. He looked almost sad, looking me over, like he was disappointed in what he saw. I shifted uneasily on my feet which seemed to make him find his voice again.
“Shit,” he mumbled looking away, down at the floor. “I had imagined this so many times but now that it’s happening, I, I don’t know what to say,” and he laughed nervously.
I suddenly became angry at the sound of his laughter. Here I was, tired as hell, unable to leave until I checked on him, something I’m technically not even supposed to be doing and I don’t know, I just snapped.
“What the actual fuck Austin,” I asked crossing my arms. “Is this some kind of joke to you? Was this all a scheme to get me locked in a room with you or something? I mean seriously, Marfan syndrome, that’s fucking serious, who would joke about that?”
His eyebrows furrowed obviously not expecting me to get angry at him. I wondered what he had expected to happen.
“Actually, that’s not a joke, I really do have it.” He explained and reached up to pull the collar of his shirt down. I looked closer, as I saw a pale pink line down the center of his chest, hidden in his tattoos. A scar. A heart surgery scar.
“Oh,” I stammered embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I-,”
“And why the fuck are you so mad at me? If anything I should be the one mad, no pissed, at you.” He grunted as he let go off his shirt collar.
“Excuse me?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
He scoffed and looked me dead in the eyes. “Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, will this be pick up or delivery?” he quoted and then raised his eyebrows at me, waiting for a response.
“Oh,” I said quietly and looked down.
I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what the hell was there to say? Seven months ago I met an amazing man who helped me when I was in trouble, listened to me when I talked to him and just generally cared about me. I had known men from birth who didn’t even look at me or listen to me the way Austin had, yet he had just met me. He was seriously one of those, good guys, as they called it in all the cheesy movies, he was every girls dream guy. For a day, not even, for a few hours, he had been my dream guy and what did I do? I blew him off, pushed him away like a piece of lint on my shoulder.
He had asked for my number, he had wanted to know me more than he had already found out and I gave him some random number, remembering the old Pizza Hut by my mother’s house. He didn’t deserve that. I suddenly caught myself. What the fuck was I saying? I didn’t know this man. He didn’t know me. We didn’t know each other.
And I realized that I had been wrong all along. No. I did not know Austin Carlile. I didn’t know him from the bagger at the grocery store. Sure we had a conversation, but that happens between strangers, all the fucking time actually. I didn’t know anything about him, or his intentions. For all I knew, that whole day he spent with me, being with me, was all part of his plan. He saw a lost girl on the street and decided to help her out; hoping maybe she would return the favor later on. I had just been a pawn in this little game he had played. I had just been a piece of ass. He had gotten inside my head, making me feel like the most interesting girl in the world, and a part of me wondering how far I would have gone, had I not had to pick up my sister that night.
That’s why he was pissed now. He had sat through hours of listening to me talk about myself and had nothing to show for it. Austin Carlile had used me and I had felt sorry for what I did to him. He wasn’t the good guy I thought he was.
All this had swirled around in my head in a matter of seconds and I got pissed again, pissed that he was pissed.
“Take your shirt off,” I huffed, walking toward him.
His eyebrows shot up and a look of shock swept across his face. Was he about to smile? I suddenly realized what I had said.
“Ew, not like that,” I clarified pulling the stethoscope from around my neck and plugging it into my ears. “I need to do my job.”
“Wow, really, you’re going to just blow me off, just like that, again.” He let out an annoyed laugh but took his shirt off and it took everything in me to keep my focus on what I was doing and not look at his chest, his tattoos… I shook my head. I didn’t answer him, though I could feel his eyes burning into my skin. He wanted me to look at him.
“Just let it go Austin,” I sighed moving the sensor closer to his heart. “We were just two strangers who had a chance meeting almost a year ago. What did you expect to happen? Or what did you think had happened?”
“Seven months ago.” He spoke with such clarity, I couldn’t help myself, I looked up at him. His chocolate brown eyes caught mine and I couldn’t look away, even if I wanted too.
He remembered. He knew exactly how long it had been. And I suddenly questioned everything I had sorted through my mind just a few minutes ago. Maybe I was wrong about him. In all honest to God truth, I knew absolutely nothing about Austin except what I had observed that day we met. I didn’t know his intentions or why he was so upset by the fact that I blew him off. But I knew one thing for sure, he never saw me as just some piece of ass. Never. No matter what kind of player a guy was, there was no way he would have remembered how long ago we met, he would have just agreed with my “almost a year ago” statement.
I was still so locked in his gaze that I hadn’t even realized I had moved my hand to rest on his bare shoulder until he flinched at the sudden contact. I took the opportunity and quickly moved away, releasing a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. I slid my arm off his shoulder and I swear it had gone numb from being against his skin. I flexed my fingers, forming a fist and shook it out. What was happening to me?
How did Austin do that? How on earth did he manage to catch me in the most vulnerable of states and still have me wanting to show him more? I felt like all this man had to do was order me jump and I would do it without hesitating. I don’t know how but he just had this hold over me that I couldn’t understand, couldn’t figure out. Who was he? I had to get out of here, get away from him before he saw through me, saw all the ghosts floating behind my eyes. I swear he knew already.
“Well, your heart is just fine, no problems.” I said quickly, scribbling down on the paper on the clip board, ignoring the fact that what I said was more than ironic considering his condition. I practically ran to the door.
“Lulu.”
His voice stopped me. He knew. He fucking knew. How did he know? In a matter of seconds this man, still technically a stranger, knew just how completely broken and defeated I was. He saw right through my ruse, stripping it apart right at the fake smile I had put on every day since I had gotten here. California had always been my dream, everything I ever thought I wanted. Since the day I landed though I had felt nothing but cold. Alone. He saw what I had practically been begging other people to see for a month in just a few moments staring into my eyes.
I closed my eyes and braced myself, turning. I looked at him without actually looking at him, noticing how concerned he looked.
“Are you alright?”
It was a loaded question. There was no longer any hint of anger in his voice, nothing but concern, an overwhelming amount of concern. It didn’t matter that seven months ago I had made a complete fool of him, kicking him where it hurt. None of that mattered to this man and I wanted nothing more than to jump into his arms and cry, letting him hold me, touch me, love me. But I knew better. Letting people in only caused more heartache, more sleepless nights, more nightmares. I couldn’t do that. Not again, not after last time. Not when I had worked so hard to make sure no one got that close to me again.
“I’m fine.” I lied, my voice strong. He wasn’t expecting it to be and I saw pain flash in his eyes. He knew how hard it was for me to say that, to lie.
I breezed through the door, leaving Austin Carlile watching me leave him behind once again. I barely made it to the locker room before the tears brimmed over and I started sobbing.

Notes

shit that was long, sorry! i didn't realize when i was writing.