I woke to fresh tears staining my face as I sat up, taking in my surroundings. It was quiet, nothing but the sound of the wind carrying the leaves across the empty park on 94th street.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand as I stood up from the park bench, tightening my jacket around my frame. I began walking the path down to the nearby gas station, giving me time to clear my mind.

I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I was willing to ruin one of my relationships just for the need of a release. I ruin lives and friendships and I don’t deserve to be blessed with what I have.

My problem is that I fall in love with words, rather than actions. I fall in love with ideas and thoughts, instead of reality. And it will be the death of me. It’s already robbed me of sanity.

There’s really nothing left to take but my life

Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop. The rain start coming in small quantities as the wind picked up, whipping my hair around violently. I paused for a moment, just a moment, to take in how beautiful Warren looks right now.

As the rain picked up, I ran the rest of my way to the gas station. Inside, I pick up a bottle of wine and a bottle of whisky before leaving the man a twenty and walking back out. I rip open the wine bottle and take a massive chug of it, letting the rain wash away hearing and the wine, my emotions.

---

I sat on a hotel bed, delirious and still drinking. I guess when the hotel mini-fridge is filled with wine, it kinda goes to show.

My phone’s been buzzing nonstop and its of course Andy and my siblings.

We can’t keep running in circles – Andy

Have you lost your mind? – Annah

Come home Katherine – Ellie

I don’t fight the sob that leaves my body and shakes the very inside of me.

Please Kat, we’re looking for you – Vince

We have a meeting tomorrow. Come home. – Ryan

I chugged more of the white wine and picked up my phone, texting back.

You are my 3 AM thoughts I sent it as a group message before finishing the wine and letting the bottle roll onto the carpet, laying back and closing my eyes to sleep.

I miss the thought of being pregnant. At least when I was, I was eating. What I wouldn’t do for a nice northern burger. Or to be outside playing football with my family and friends. Or to be back in the process of writing without Kellin being in my mind all the time.

What I wouldn’t do to feel normal again.

---

I checked out of the hotel early that morning and walked towards the downtown Cultural & Social Events center where our meeting would be held. With my hair in a low ponytail and my arms freezing to death in the tank top I’m wearing, I march into the building, heading to the front desk.

The lady smiles up at me and pushes herself away from the desk.

“Hi, how can I help you?” The cheeriness in her voice shocks me.

“Oh, uhm.” I take a look around. Shined wood floors, white walls, gold chandelier, state seal in the center of the building. “I’m here for a meeting for Reckless Brave.” She nods and does some typing, her manicured midnight blue fingers tapping furiously at the keyboard.

“Name?” she asks, still not taking her eyes from the computer.

“Katherine Bailey.” Hearing my name come out my mouth made me cringe. Years of screaming makes the voice sound raspy and so, so unattractive.

“Ah, yes. You are in room 126, fifth floor, eighth door on your left.” She taps the keyboard one last time before turning to smile at me. “And you’ll need this,” she hands me a gold card. “The room will be locked. You need this to get in. Bring it back after the meeting. Have a nice day.”

I quickly thanked her before ducking my head down and going to the elevator. The soft music of some foreign pop artist blared through the elevator speakers.

Once I reached the fifth floor, I found room 126 with ease and slid the card down the card slide and the door flew open to reveal a narrow hallway. The ‘walls’ were really just panes of glass and you could see the meeting happening.

There they are, laughing and joking along with our tour manager. It burned, it really did. But, I took a deep breath and opened the door. All conversation was ceased. I took a seat on the chair at the edge of the table, leaning against my arm with my elbow propped against the table.

“Okay, now that everyone’s here,” William takes a look over at me, giving me a slight smile.
“Let’s get down to business. Now. You guys are scheduled for the Scream Like You Mean It tour for its fifteenth anniversary, which means there’s going to be a lot of bands there. Fifteen to be exact, for five months, in the U.S, U.K, and A.U.”

“America, England, and Australia,” Vince says. No brainer there.

“Right. Now, I’m going to read you the list of the bands that are confirmed for the tour and please, please,” He gives a willing look to Annah. “Hold you rants, rude comments, snarky attitudes, and foul language until the very end. The very end.” Another look to Annah.

“Alright, I hear ya Davison.” She smiles, throwing her legs up and crossing them on the table, popping her gum.

“It’s William.” He says with a little agitation.

“You keep saying that,” I muttered,catching my sister’s eye and giving her a wink.

“What was that Katherine?” He asks, turning his serious glare to me through his nerd glasses.

“Nothing Will.” I say with a smile.

“It’s William to you.” He puts his face into his hand. “Okay, moving on. Here are the bands; The Almost, Breathe Carolina, Fall Out Boy, Asking Alexandria, Hands Like Houses, I The Mighty, Northlane, Of Mice & Men, Paramore, Tonight Alive, The Word Alive, blessthefall, I See Stars, you guys, and of course, Sleeping with Sirens.” I sit straight up and stare at Will with wide eyes.

My heart was trying to beat its was trying to break its way free at the mention of his band. This can’t be. Not now. Not. Now. Out of all the worst times of the year for Karma to bite me in the ass for being a bad person, this is the worst.

One hundred and fifteen days, twenty weeks, five months, one tour.

With Kellin.

Oh Karma really is beating the shit out of my ass this year.

---

-Kellin Quinn Point Of View-

“No, no, no!” I yelled, slamming my fists against the wall.

“Kellin, please-”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I asked, turning around to glare at him. “We just lost Jesse and now we have to go on tour? With her?! Cancel. Tell them we’re cancelling.” I snapped.

“No, we’re not. I mean come on, you’re on the worse end of the horse. You know she had amiscarriage and you did nothing. If anything, it should be her hating us. She did nothing wrong, you did.” Jack said as he took a seat on the coffee table. “If you really didn’t like her, why bother? Why have sex with her? Why get her pregnant and not give a damn about that baby Kellin?!”

In a way, he does have a point. But I can’t face her only because he’s right. I messed up. I was scared, I just lost Kate and Cope, I had a strained relationship with one of my closest friends. And halfway across the country was a woman pregnant with my child.

My child.

And now, it’s gone. Just like that.

The accident left scars deeper than on the surface.

“We have to tour. We need this money, you need this money.” Jack crossed his legs and stared at me.

“But we don’t even have a touring guitar member?”

“Really? You’re only excuse is we don’t have a ‘touring guitar member’? Come on now, just ask Vic to do it and pull up your big girl under panties because this tour is happening.”

Notes

I'm baaaack.

Who should Kat end up with??? Vote here

Voting ends July 28th (And yes, I'll try to update more often)