It was Austin’s last day in the UK before him and the rest of the guys in Of Mice & Men headed back to the states, after that first awkward text conversation we had spoken a lot on the phone and through various messengers. We constantly had a conversation going.

We had made plans for me to travel to Brighton to see their last show on the tour and to hang out after.

I was excited, but nervous at the same time. I didn’t know how to act around him, because I’ve been getting so many mixed signals. One minute he’s flirty and drops sexual innuendo’s into the conversation, other times he’s just friendly, it’s casual, like he’s talking to one of his guy friends. He’s even referred to me as “one of the boys” plenty times before, and I’m not entirely sure how to take that.

Is it a good thing? I mean surely it’s a good thing if he’s comfortable around me and we can talk about anything, but do I really want to be seen as one of the dudes, just a friend? I don’t think so, but then again, my head’s been all over the place recently and I’m not fully sure on anything at the moment.

I’m curious to see how things will be between us when he heads back home, if we will keep in contact as much as we are right now, or if we will at all.

I spot the venue up ahead and release some of the pressure I’m applying on the accelerator to turn left up to the car park.

I parked my ford fiesta in an empty space and killed the engine before pulling down my sun visor to check my appearance in the small mirror. I re-applied some liquid eyeliner, fluffed up my hair which I was wearing down in loose curls and then applied some light pink, almost nude lipstick. Deciding I looked decent, I hopped out of my car not forgetting to grab my phone and small off-the-shoulder bag.

I locked up behind me and stood up straight, pulling up the waistband of my pleather leggings, and then pulling at the hem of my plain black shirt to cover my stomach. I started walking toward the back entrance of the venue.

I rounded the corner to the back alley, behind the venue where the tour buses were parked. I spotted a large group of people huddled and crammed together in a sloppy circle, all their attention was on one person in particular, whose back was facing me, but I could instantly tell who it was.

I could feel the corners of my mouth pull up into a slight grin as I approached.

Some of the kids spotted me and smiled or waved toward me which pulled Austin’s attention away from the CD sleeve he was holding in his hands, over his shoulder to me.

As soon as he saw me, the grin on his face spread even wider, this set off a round of butterflies in the pit of my stomach. He turned slightly back to the group of people in front of him, holding up a finger to signal that they’d have his attention back in a moment.

Walking toward me, he spread his arms open, pulling me into a hug as he finally reached me.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, standing on the tip of my toes, as he bent down slightly, placing his arms around my waist, squeezing me tight. I buried my head in the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent.

I could hear a round of “aw’s” from the group of fans stood only a little way away from us as me and Austin embraced.

“Hey” I heard him whisper in my ear. His voice was croaky, tired from singing his heart out every night on this tour.

I giggled slightly, feeling him squeeze me even tighter so our bodies were flush together. I swear whenever I’m around him or talking to him I act like a schoolgirl with a massive crush, it’s pretty embarrassing.

“How are you?” I pulled away, craning my neck so I could look him in the eyes while letting my arms drop back to my sides as he moved his hands to rest on my shoulders, slightly massaging them through my thin jacket.

“I’ve been good, but even better now that you’re here” He shot me his famous toothy grin as he replied, which turned my legs to jelly instantly.

We stood there for a few minutes just studying each other’s features, as usual with him it was never awkward.

I suddenly remembered something, so I broke our silent stares.

“I have something for you, by the way” I said as I turned my attention to zipping open my bag and grabbing the CD case I had placed in there earlier. I felt my fingers come in contact with one of the corners and I grabbed it, pulling it out, careful not to scratch it on anything else that was lazily thrown in there. “Here”

As I was getting ready this morning I remembered one conversation in particular we had had a couple days prior via text. We were discussing our favourite albums and bands of all time and I had mentioned Brand New. He had told me he had only owned a burned CD of Deja Entendu which a friend in high school had given him, and how the one time he forgot to place it back in its plastic case, he had scratched it and it refused to work again.

I had spotted my second copy on top of my stereo system at home and grabbed it before heading out the door to drive down here.

I held it in between us and watched him as he carefully took it from me and studied the cover and back. I spotted a slight smile as he was facing down, just before he looked back up to me and mouthed a thank you, before pulling me in for another hug and kissed me on my cheek.

I could feel the familiar heat rise up my neck and my face, staining my cheeks red temporarily at the contact.

Unfortunately for me he noticed, which only made him chuckle. I rolled my eyes before I heard one of the heavy double doors leading backstage creak open.

I looked around Austin to see who was coming out just as Tino poked his head round the corner and motioned for us to go inside.

I grabbed Austin by his arm and nodded my head in Tino’s direction. He followed my lead, and slung his arm around my shoulders waving to the fans and promising them he’d be back out later to sign and if not, after the show for definite.

As soon as we entered the backstage area and the doors were closed behind us, Tino ruffled up my hair and pulled me into a hug. I had worked too long and hard to get my hair to look perfect today, and not just for him to fuck it up within ten minutes of me arriving.

“Good to see you sober, Jase” he said while laughing, obviously referring to the last time I had seen him at Hit The Deck festival.

“Go fuck yourself Valentino” I scowled, but made sure to keep a slight playful tone in my voice to make sure he knew I was kidding.

“Feisty. You need to control this one Austin” with that he walked away toward the stage, chuckling to himself all the way.

What a comedian.

The rest of the night was spent drinking a few beers with the Memphis May Fire lads while Austin and the guys were doing sound check, then I sat in and watched as they did the last interviews of the tour. You could tell they were getting tired of it all now and it’s not surprising. It’s tiring answering pretty much the same questions over and over every day for weeks on end, which is what we have to deal with. They just weren’t as upbeat as they usually are. I swear Alan fell asleep for more than half an interview at one point, which resulted in me amusing myself by stealthily throwing popcorn at him, aiming for his mouth which was hung wide open.

A few hours later it was finally show time and I was super excited because I hadn’t seen them play a full set yet, only a short 25 minute one at the festival a couple weeks ago.

I had heard a lot about their shows, and they never disappoint. There was so much energy in that room, the music and people were bouncing from wall to wall. I wanted so badly to get in on the action and just jump in the crowd and go crazy, but I wasn’t dressed for it at all. I would have overheated within a second, so standing side stage singing along and bopping my head along had to suffice.

After the show everyone had a quick shower and headed for the bus to get ready for the after party. Austin sent me ahead and told me to wait for him in the back lounge while he signed and took pictures with the kids that had waited behind for them.

I slumped down onto the leather coach. Ripping off my boots which were absolutely killing my feet, I threw them to the side and sprawled out, listening to Alan in the small bathroom sing along to whatever Katy Perry song was blasting from his phone, while he was straightening his hair.
Eventually I heard Austin shouting to him to shut the fuck up.

As soon as I heard his voice, I sat up from my slumped position and fixed my gaze on the door leading to the bunk area. Not long after it was being slid open and Austin waltzed his way in, shutting the door behind him and then leant against it.

“Do you actually feel like going to the after party?” He sounded worn out and like he was going to fall asleep any second.

“I’m not bothered. I don’t mind hanging in here with you” I sent him a small smile which he mirrored back to me.

“Alright, we’ll stay here then” He pushed himself away from the door and toward the entertainment system on the opposite wall.

I laid my head on a cushion I found and lifted my feet so I was completely laid on one portion of the wrap around sofa. I closed my eyes, feeling exhaustion overtake my body. Today really wore me out which was surprising seeing as I haven’t really done much but hang out.

I wasn’t paying any attention to what Austin was doing but then I heard the familiar tune of Tautou by Brand New play out of the speakers. I opened my eyes immediately, lifting my head and looking toward him.

He had obviously put on the CD I had given him earlier.

He walked toward me, lifting my legs up so he could sit down, and then placed them in his lap. Massaging my ankles as he rested his head on the back of the sofa. Closing his eyes and sighing in content.

I studied his features. Every time I saw him I noticed something new. Like the freckles that splayed over the bridge of his nose onto his cheeks which I found absolutely adorable. He really was attractive and I knew that, but it just blows my mind how he genuinely doesn’t think he’s anything special.

As if he knew I was staring at him, he opened his eyes and looked my way I didn’t let my gaze falter, though and continued to watch him as he kicked off his own shoes and moved my body ever so slightly so he could lay down beside me, on his side. He draped one of his arms over my stomach as I lay on my back.

Our noses were barely touching; I could smell his cologne and the mint in his breath.

“Did you have a good day?” He eventually spoke; his voice was low but soft. His deep brown orbs staring into my emerald green eyes.

“Absolutely. Did you?”

“Yeah. I’m glad you came today, it probably would have sucked if you didn’t”

I could feel his hand resting on some exposed skin where my shirt had ridden up ever so slightly, his thumb was rubbing circles, creating goosebumps and causing my stomach to tie itself in knots as I realised this.

I really liked this guy and it terrified me because I could see myself completely falling head over heels with just a little bit of time and the last time that happened, it didn’t end too well. I’ve guarded myself with walls so high so much over the past couple years and it was scary to think that ever so slowly Austin was chipping away at it.

“I’m sure that’s not true, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world”

“It’s crazy how in just a matter of weeks you’ve become one of the people I think about every day, and want to know what you’re doing all the time. Is that weird and creepy?” As he uttered the words, almost too quiet for me to hear I noticed a red tint to his cheeks. He was blushing.

I couldn’t contain the smile and just shook my head to let him know it wasn’t.

He leaned his face in closer to mine, resting his forehead against my own. I contemplated leaning in to press my lips against his, but I chickened out. I could never make that first move, I guess I was too worried about him rejecting it. That was never a good feeling.

We must have laid there for a good few hours saying nothing, but soaking in each other’s company for the last time for a while. Brand New being our soundtrack.

I realised how late it must have been and thought about the fact I still have a long drive home ahead of me. I let a groan pass my lips, which brought Austin out of whatever relaxed state he was in and glance at me.

“What’s up?” He propped himself up on his elbow and looked down toward me.

“I have to head home like two hours ago” I over exaggerated a pout and reluctantly lifted myself off the sofa, leaving Austin there. I searched for my shoes and put them on, nearly falling over multiple times in the process but managing to catch myself each time. I stood up straight, looking in the mirror which was attached to the wall, fixing my hair and removing a small smudge of eyeliner.

“I’ll walk you out” I heard him say behind me. I watched him grab a random jacket and then followed him outside.

I lead him up the road to my car. I unlocked my door, and opened it slightly but turned back around to face Austin.

We were stood under the dim orange glow of a streetlamp, but even with limited lighting, I could see just how shattered he was. I could barely see the circles under his eyes, but they were definitely there. I walked toward him, pulling him into a hug, not particularly wanting to let go because that would mean saying goodbye until God knows when. My band had no plans of touring America this year, yet and as far as I knew Of Mice & Men had no plans to come back to the UK for a while.

“Promise we’ll text all the time?” He whispered as I felt his hand cup my cheek, his thumb stroking my skin so lightly leaving behind a strange tingling sensation in its wake.

“Promise” and with that last word from me, he kissed my cheek for the second and last time that day, stepping back as I climbed into my car. I saw him stuff his hands into his pockets and wave me off as I drove down the road.

I found myself stealing so many glances in the rear-view mirror as I pulled away seeing him still standing there alone. I didn’t want to leave.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding as I pulled the car down a different road, turning out of Austin’s view and him out of mine. I let my body relax into my seat.

I heard my text tone go off from the seat beside me, making me jump slightly. I reached my hand out, feeling for my iPhone while I kept my eyes on the road ahead of me.

I clicked the home button, illuminating up the pitch black interior of the car with the sudden bright glow from the screen. I glanced down and saw Austin’s name.

I immediately swiped my finger across the screen to open up the message.

Austin:

If I could I would shrink myself, and sink through your skin to your blood cells and remove whatever makes you hurt…

But I am too weak to be your cure