Maybe if I just went on that stupid trip to Costa Rica, I could of and would of avoided all these unwanted feelings, avoided everything, maybe would of been able to patch things up and move on, be happy. Would we of been able to be like we were at the beginning, again?

I stood on the the edge of the stage, the toes of my shoes curled around, supporting me from tumbling forward.

Looking out at the masses of people screaming and chanting our bands name. I had to just pause and take it in for a moment. It was a medium sized venue, but it was packed, the amount of people in this room more than likely went way over the recommended capacity.

A smile tugged at the corner of my lips. This is what I've always dreamed of, if you eliminate all my personal struggles in my life currently, and just focus on this moment. It's what I would describe as perfection.

They're not even here for you, though.

I shoot myself down. Like usual. That's what I'm best at. Whenever I feel a slight sense of achievement or something's finally going right or looking up, I always say something to myself/convince myself that it's not what it seems to be. Such as someone has a different intention than what they're letting on.

This is the truth though, they're not here for our band, Polaris, they're here for Kids In Glass Houses, the headliner of this tour. These sweaty, loud kids are only being polite.

My smile falters, but I keep it somewhat there so the crowd don't see there's anything wrong with me.

I turn back to my band members, giving them a slight nod of the head, the cue to play the intro of our final song.

The beat kicks in, and I jump in time with it. Closing my eyes, and building my energy, trying to give the crowd the best warm up set possible. We promised KIGH we'd get the crowd going and buzzing and that's exactly what we were trying to do, and hopefully accomplished.

I turn back to the crowd, raising my microphone in front of my face. Lifting my other hand in the air as the music stops and I belt out the first line of lyrics before the music kicks back in. I hear people singing along and I try to enjoy this moment.

They were doing a very good job of making us feel welcome, and I appreciate it so much.

"Thank you, Manchester. You're amazing!" I shout into the microphone, bowing down slightly to the crowd and blowing them a kiss and shooting them a wink and smile after we finished our set. I walk off stage, shortly followed by my band members after they throw drumsticks, guitar picks, sweaty towels and set lists into the crowd.

I walk into our dressing room backstage after being stopped multiple times to be given congratulatory hugs from our crew and the other bands on this tour. Apparently our set went amazing, all I know is I was tired and worn out.

I opened the door and looked around the room, taking in the fact that my band members all looked as shattered as I felt.

Adam, the lead guitarist and Justin, rhythym guitarist were cuddled up to each other on the sofa, still in their sweaty and smelly gig clothes. Gus, our drummer was spread out on the floor, breathing heavily, wearing nothing but a towel and our bassist Tony was sitting on the edge of the coffee table, in the middle of the seating area, taking large gulps of water from a bottle, panting and occasionally shaking his head about, spraying sweat on everyone around him.

"No one claimed the shower, then?" I ask to no one in particular.

A chorus of protests are shouted about the room

"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!" Adam shouts at me, pointing a finger in my direction as he tries to untangle himself from Justins limbs.

Before he freed himself though, I had already set off running toward the bathroom, grabbing my bag of toiletries and fresh clothes before running in and locking the door, a smile of accomplishment of my face.

I hear Adam banging on the door, whining and fake crying.

"JASEEEEY, you love me and I'm tired and smelly and... you love me. Let me take a shower first, please?!"

"One, I don't love you" I shouted so he could hear me on the other side of the door, in a sing-song voice. "Two, I'm tired and smelly, and you love me, and no one claimed the shower at the time so you're going to let me have mine first, then you can grab one after!" I turned on the shower, letting it run for a few minutes before I stepped in, to get it to the perfect temperature.

"BUT YOU TAKE FOREVERRRR!" I heard Adam shout, I just laughed and ignored him.

As soon as I stepped under the hot spray of water, I felt all my muscles relax. This is my third favourite part of the day, just below playing the shows and meeting our fans afterward. Rubbing shampoo into my hair I let my mind wander to our schedule the next couple of days.

In two days we were heading to Nottingham for Hit The Deck festival. I was so excited and pumped for it because I went as a punter last year, it's first year, and absolutely loved it. The atmosphere, the people. It was amazing. I just can't wait to be the one on stage and entertaining the crowd.

Some great bands were playing this year as well; Young Guns, Kids In Glass Houses, The Swellers, The Summer Set, We Are The In Crowd, Of Mice & Men, just to name a few. So I was more than ecstatic to be able to hang out with them all and get to know them on a personal level, well, the ones I don't already know.

As I thought of it, I got butterflies in my stomach, excitement, and nerves. I didn't want to let anyone down, but that's all I seem to do.

I feel like I let down my brother Tom by not always trying my best at everything I do. I try my best with music, but hardly anything else. All I want to do is make him proud, and if I can't even be proud of myself how will he ever be? Maybe I'm too harsh on myself, everyone tells me that, but how am I supposed to know if they're being genuine when they say that, or they just don't want me to feel bad?

My brother Tom died when I was younger, and I've only got very few memories of him, but the ones I do have, he always told me to never give up on my dream and that he's sure I'll make him proud in whatever I do.

How could he genuinely mean "in whatever you do", though? So if I become a murderer and kill innocent people, randomly. He'd be proud of me? A bit far and a bit dramatic, but I'm guessing you'll get what I mean. More realistically, though. If (and this is looking like it'll actually happen) I become a washed up singer in a band that never made it anywhere, while my other brother, Alex is out touring the world, made a name of himself and has people admiring, looking up to him. While I try and be everything I'm not and never will be. Tom'll be proud of me? Yeah, right.

I had a feeling though, that something remarkable would be happening to Polaris, or at least me. (not to sound selfish or conceited) I just had a weird, but good feeling about these next few weeks, which was rare.

Let's just hope and pray I'm right about this.