This One's For Us
Devastation
I stare at him wide eyed, but I nod without thinking. "Yes." I smile, "Yes." I can't believe this is all happening. Married and a baby... He places the ring on my finger with the promise ring he had given me a few weeks before. The ring was pretty big, an oval shaped diamond. It was an incredible ring. I gaze down at it, sitting on my finger perfectly. Me, married? I would have never thought. I kiss Austin's lips, and keep his head close to mine. I could not have imagined that we would be getting married, my best friend and I.
The night of the Christmas party came, and I was pacing nervously. We had two big announcements to make to everyone. A proposal and a baby announcement, that's got to be a lot for anyone else to swallow. I was having trouble swallowing it myself. I stopped walking back in forth and stood looking in my mirror. I wasn't showing, I knew I wouldn't but I knew what was there. My sparkling gold dress was fitting me perfectly, but not in a few months. I gently place my hand over my stomach, also showing my ring. I hear Austin come into the room, and I turn to him.
"You look stunning Lily." He smiles. "Nothing out of the ordinary." He smiles and kisses my cheek knowing he'll smudge my lipstick.
"Thank you." I smile weakly, nervously.
"Tino is here, and Felicity. Don't be nervous okay? We're doing this together." I nod giving him a better smile than before. Austin always had a way to make me calm, even just with words. I wrap my arm around his, and we head out as people start arriving.
The night is going steady, people are laughing, drinking, and eating food. Austin and I make our way around to everyone, band friends and family. We share hugs, laughs, and kisses. Everything is going good, but there's a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I try not to show off the ring to much, but it seems as if no one is noticing anyway.
After a few hours, Austin and I decide to make our announcements. We start to quiet everyone down, and all eyes are on us. I let Austin take the lead... since that's what he's good at...
"Lily and I have to thank you all for coming tonight, it's like a house warming party and a Christmas party all wrapped into one." I look up to him, as he pulls me closer around my waist. "Well, Lily and I both have something we want everyone here to know." He looks down at me, and I nod looking out at everyone, but keeping my lips sealed. "Lily is no longer my girlfriend, but my fiance." Everyone's faces light up and smile. They're clapping and whistling.
"And..." I say, quieting them down. "We're having a baby." Everyone is shocked, except for Felicity. They all clap again, but this is not to enthusiastic. I look to my mom and dad who look at me with disbelief. Austin's own dad, is completely shocked too. I shoot past Austin and head to the room, closing the door behind me.
I sink to the floor and grab my knees to my chest. No one is happy about this, and maybe I'm not either...
Austin.
After congratulations from friends and family, they all start to fade. Tino stays sleeping on the couch before I can go find Lily. I slowly open the door to our dark room, and turn on the light. She's sitting by the door on the floor, her knees to her chest, her eyes smudged in black.
"hey." I say softly kneeling down beside her and gently touching her soft cheek. She moves her head away from my hand. "Everyone's gone... they told me to congratulate you." I say sitting beside her.
"They're not happy about it Austin." She says, not looking at me. "And are you really?"
"What do you mean? Of course I am." I say taking her hand.
"Well, how am I supposed to do this?" She says using her hands to talk. "How am I supposed to go through a pregnancy alone?"
"What do you mean? I'm here."
"Austin you tour. You're here for a few more weeks and you're back on tour until when? Summer? Then what?" What if you're on tour when the baby's born?"
"I don't care where I am, I'll be here when that child is born."
"And after that?" She snaps. "Do you think bringing a baby into our lifestyle is smart?"
"Kellin..."
"Kellin's wife is stronger than I am." She says standing quickly. "She can deal, I can't." she starts crying. "I fell apart when you left a few months ago, Austin. Fell into pieces... how am I supposed to do that with a child."
"I'll stop touring."
"And do you think that is what would make this better?" She scoffs. "No, that's your life."
"Well you and I can do this." I say. "You're stronger than you think."
"I just don't know if this is right." she says.
"We'll get through this. We always do." I say, kissing her lips. She just looks up at my eyes, and turns away, walking to the bathroom and shutting the door. I hear the shower start, and I lay on the bed. When she comes out she throws on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and comes to lay next to me. She grasps onto me tightly, and rests her head on my chest, right where she belongs.
Lily.
I had to believe in what Austin was saying. He was everything to me, and I cherished everything he and I had. Austin was someone I knew I could trust in, so I had to be happy. Plus he was happy, so I had to be happy that he was.
Something felt incredibly bad, the next couple of days, I didn't want to do anything. I stayed in bed as Austin went to do some things, and when he came home, I didn't care to go out. I wasn't sad, I wasn't happy either, I didn't know what I felt. I lied to Austin, I told him I felt sick, to sick to eat, to sick to move, and he believed me.
"So I have a few shows the next couple of days." Austin says to me one day. "They're all close, I'll only be gone for a few days.
"Have fun." Is all I could say.
"I asked Felicity to stat with you, and she said she was." He says.
"Okay." I turn away from him, he kisses my forehead, and leaves.
Felicity comes and makes me get out of bed, and eat something. When I finally do, I feel sick. My stomach is in a lot of pain. Something is not right. It feels like cramps, and am not having a great feeling about this.
"Lily, is everything okay?" She asks.
"Yeah, my stomach just hurts." I cringe, but take a seat at the table. "Felicity, can you tell me the truth?" I ask.
"Yeah. Of course."
"What do you really think about all this... I mean really think?"
"Well. I think everything's happening really fast." She looks to the side and then back at me. "I think it's great you're having a baby and you're engaged but you and Austin have only been dating for a little bit of time..."
"We've been close for a long time though." I feel a bit of defense.
"Yeah, I know. But it's still so fast. I mean one or the other, but both?" She sighs. "And you are positive about the whole... marriage thing?"
"Yeah, I am." I bite my lip and look down at my hands, I've been fiddling with them.
"That sounds very convincing." She rolls her eyes and walks to the living room. Leaving me with my thoughts. I put my head in my hands, I love Austin. I love him. I love him. I love him.
Austin.
I dreaded leaving Lily, but I loved my job. There's something wrong, she didn't even kiss me goodbye. I feel a bit of pain in my chest from that, a feeling I did not miss. I hoped she wasn't having second thoughts about us being engaged, I hoped she wasn't unhappy with the decisions she and I had made.
"Our little Bachelor is engaged." Alan says pretending to be distraught. Everyone laughs and comes to greet me.
"Alan can I talk to you for a minute?" I ask Alan and walking away from everyone so I could talk to him alone.
"Yeah, what's up?"
"Do you think this was a good idea?" I ask. "You know asking her to marry me so soon?"
"A bit fast yes, but she agreed to marry you. You've been best friends for years." he says. "Austin, she loves you and you love her. If it isn't time, you'll let each other know."
"She's just been so... distanced the past couple of days. I don't know, let's just go practice." I say wanting to change the subject, and submerge in the music. Alan pats my back, and we both get to work.
----
Being on stage the past couple of nights have been amazing for me. I loved being up there, and seeing everyone that came out to our shows. Meeting fans. It took my mind off of the negative and focused on the positive. The final night I'm coming off stage, and drying the sweat off of my hair.
"Austin your phone has been ringing off the hook." Loniel our drum tech says, handing it to me.
"Thanks man." I say taking it off his hands and looking at my screen. 40 missed calls from Felicity. I look around at everyone else.
"Felicity has called me so many times." Alan says.
"Me too." I say nervously, this can't be good. I call Felicity back, nervously tapping my foot up and down, the longer it takes for her to answer the more anxious I become.
"Austin! You need to get home! You need to get to the Hospital, there's something wrong with Lily!" Felicity is saying quickly into the phone before I can even say anything.
"Alright, it's going to take me at least two hours to get there."
"Just get here!" She's obviously freaking out. I hang up and look around, how am I going to get there.
"Does anyone have a car?! This is important." I ask the whole back room.
"Maddie drove here." Alan says. "We'll drive you." He says running to get his girlfriend.
"What's going on?" Tino asks concerned.
"I have no idea, lily's in the hospital." I say with a lump in my throat. My head is everywhere, my stomach is in a knot.
"We'll meet you there." he says just as Alan and Maddie make their way back to grab me to get in the car and get to the Hospital.
My head is everywhere. The car ride is silent besides the faint sound of music. I'm starting to bite my nails, and my stomach is turning endlessly. I can't imagine how Lily is feeling right now, I can't imagine what has happened. I just hope she and the baby are okay. My heart is pounding, and it feels like it's taking forever. I watch as the views go by quickly, mindlessly. I needed to get to Lily.
When we're drawing close, I tense up. I feel my heart popping out of my chest, and sweat appear back on my forehead. I feel like I'm being suffocated. I practically jump out of the car, and run up to the front desk. When I get her room number, I'm running to get to her room, and when I find it, I hesitate to go in.
My heart is pounding when I enter the room. It's quiet, except for the beeping of a heart monitor. She's facing away from me, and Felicity is holding her hand, by her side. She's so focused on Lily, right where I should be. I stop as Felicity's eyes slowly look up to me. She looks back down at Lily, and stands up slowly. She was clearly crying, she had a little black smudged under her eyes.
"I'm going to get a soda." She mumbles to Lily, leaving her laying there. She brushes past me, like I'm not there. I walk slowly over to the bed, and I sit in the chair Felicity was sitting in. I look down at her beautiful face... her sad, beautiful face.
"Hi." I say quietly. She's been crying too, she doesn't look at me. She looks through me. She doesn't say anything for a few minutes.
"I'm sorry." She whispers. "You wanted this more than I did, and I lost it." Her face turns morose, and she starts to sob. I feel my eyes stinging because of this.
"Lily, what happened?" I choke out, trying to keep my tears contained. I need to be strong for her, for us.
"I had really bad stomach pains the past couple of days. Really bad back pains." She says covering her face with her hands. "And I miscarried our baby." She's weeping behind her small hands. "I'm so sorry Austin, I am so sorry." I kneel by her bed, to be at her level.
"Lily, you can't think this was your fault." I say pulling her hands away from her face. "Look at me, this wasn't your fault." She doesn't say anything after that, she just sobs, in my arms.
Hours later, the Nurse is coming to the room to let us know we can go home after filling out some paperwork. The ride home is quiet and heartache fills the car. I was happy about that child that was to be born, I was thrilled. Now, I'd have to wait for that part of my life to happen.
Lily.
My heart was broken for Austin, for what would have been our first child. Guilt fills me. I didn't want a child yet, but I would have fallen in love with it. I was feeling a mix of feelings when I found out I was pregnant, but now I'm not. I feel empty, like a hole has been punched through my heart. I can't close my eyes, because all I see is blood. I lay in bed with Austin tonight. I feel him gently running his fingers through my hair. The morning light is showing before I finally fall asleep.
The night of the Christmas party came, and I was pacing nervously. We had two big announcements to make to everyone. A proposal and a baby announcement, that's got to be a lot for anyone else to swallow. I was having trouble swallowing it myself. I stopped walking back in forth and stood looking in my mirror. I wasn't showing, I knew I wouldn't but I knew what was there. My sparkling gold dress was fitting me perfectly, but not in a few months. I gently place my hand over my stomach, also showing my ring. I hear Austin come into the room, and I turn to him.
"You look stunning Lily." He smiles. "Nothing out of the ordinary." He smiles and kisses my cheek knowing he'll smudge my lipstick.
"Thank you." I smile weakly, nervously.
"Tino is here, and Felicity. Don't be nervous okay? We're doing this together." I nod giving him a better smile than before. Austin always had a way to make me calm, even just with words. I wrap my arm around his, and we head out as people start arriving.
The night is going steady, people are laughing, drinking, and eating food. Austin and I make our way around to everyone, band friends and family. We share hugs, laughs, and kisses. Everything is going good, but there's a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I try not to show off the ring to much, but it seems as if no one is noticing anyway.
After a few hours, Austin and I decide to make our announcements. We start to quiet everyone down, and all eyes are on us. I let Austin take the lead... since that's what he's good at...
"Lily and I have to thank you all for coming tonight, it's like a house warming party and a Christmas party all wrapped into one." I look up to him, as he pulls me closer around my waist. "Well, Lily and I both have something we want everyone here to know." He looks down at me, and I nod looking out at everyone, but keeping my lips sealed. "Lily is no longer my girlfriend, but my fiance." Everyone's faces light up and smile. They're clapping and whistling.
"And..." I say, quieting them down. "We're having a baby." Everyone is shocked, except for Felicity. They all clap again, but this is not to enthusiastic. I look to my mom and dad who look at me with disbelief. Austin's own dad, is completely shocked too. I shoot past Austin and head to the room, closing the door behind me.
I sink to the floor and grab my knees to my chest. No one is happy about this, and maybe I'm not either...
Austin.
After congratulations from friends and family, they all start to fade. Tino stays sleeping on the couch before I can go find Lily. I slowly open the door to our dark room, and turn on the light. She's sitting by the door on the floor, her knees to her chest, her eyes smudged in black.
"hey." I say softly kneeling down beside her and gently touching her soft cheek. She moves her head away from my hand. "Everyone's gone... they told me to congratulate you." I say sitting beside her.
"They're not happy about it Austin." She says, not looking at me. "And are you really?"
"What do you mean? Of course I am." I say taking her hand.
"Well, how am I supposed to do this?" She says using her hands to talk. "How am I supposed to go through a pregnancy alone?"
"What do you mean? I'm here."
"Austin you tour. You're here for a few more weeks and you're back on tour until when? Summer? Then what?" What if you're on tour when the baby's born?"
"I don't care where I am, I'll be here when that child is born."
"And after that?" She snaps. "Do you think bringing a baby into our lifestyle is smart?"
"Kellin..."
"Kellin's wife is stronger than I am." She says standing quickly. "She can deal, I can't." she starts crying. "I fell apart when you left a few months ago, Austin. Fell into pieces... how am I supposed to do that with a child."
"I'll stop touring."
"And do you think that is what would make this better?" She scoffs. "No, that's your life."
"Well you and I can do this." I say. "You're stronger than you think."
"I just don't know if this is right." she says.
"We'll get through this. We always do." I say, kissing her lips. She just looks up at my eyes, and turns away, walking to the bathroom and shutting the door. I hear the shower start, and I lay on the bed. When she comes out she throws on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and comes to lay next to me. She grasps onto me tightly, and rests her head on my chest, right where she belongs.
Lily.
I had to believe in what Austin was saying. He was everything to me, and I cherished everything he and I had. Austin was someone I knew I could trust in, so I had to be happy. Plus he was happy, so I had to be happy that he was.
Something felt incredibly bad, the next couple of days, I didn't want to do anything. I stayed in bed as Austin went to do some things, and when he came home, I didn't care to go out. I wasn't sad, I wasn't happy either, I didn't know what I felt. I lied to Austin, I told him I felt sick, to sick to eat, to sick to move, and he believed me.
"So I have a few shows the next couple of days." Austin says to me one day. "They're all close, I'll only be gone for a few days.
"Have fun." Is all I could say.
"I asked Felicity to stat with you, and she said she was." He says.
"Okay." I turn away from him, he kisses my forehead, and leaves.
Felicity comes and makes me get out of bed, and eat something. When I finally do, I feel sick. My stomach is in a lot of pain. Something is not right. It feels like cramps, and am not having a great feeling about this.
"Lily, is everything okay?" She asks.
"Yeah, my stomach just hurts." I cringe, but take a seat at the table. "Felicity, can you tell me the truth?" I ask.
"Yeah. Of course."
"What do you really think about all this... I mean really think?"
"Well. I think everything's happening really fast." She looks to the side and then back at me. "I think it's great you're having a baby and you're engaged but you and Austin have only been dating for a little bit of time..."
"We've been close for a long time though." I feel a bit of defense.
"Yeah, I know. But it's still so fast. I mean one or the other, but both?" She sighs. "And you are positive about the whole... marriage thing?"
"Yeah, I am." I bite my lip and look down at my hands, I've been fiddling with them.
"That sounds very convincing." She rolls her eyes and walks to the living room. Leaving me with my thoughts. I put my head in my hands, I love Austin. I love him. I love him. I love him.
Austin.
I dreaded leaving Lily, but I loved my job. There's something wrong, she didn't even kiss me goodbye. I feel a bit of pain in my chest from that, a feeling I did not miss. I hoped she wasn't having second thoughts about us being engaged, I hoped she wasn't unhappy with the decisions she and I had made.
"Our little Bachelor is engaged." Alan says pretending to be distraught. Everyone laughs and comes to greet me.
"Alan can I talk to you for a minute?" I ask Alan and walking away from everyone so I could talk to him alone.
"Yeah, what's up?"
"Do you think this was a good idea?" I ask. "You know asking her to marry me so soon?"
"A bit fast yes, but she agreed to marry you. You've been best friends for years." he says. "Austin, she loves you and you love her. If it isn't time, you'll let each other know."
"She's just been so... distanced the past couple of days. I don't know, let's just go practice." I say wanting to change the subject, and submerge in the music. Alan pats my back, and we both get to work.
----
Being on stage the past couple of nights have been amazing for me. I loved being up there, and seeing everyone that came out to our shows. Meeting fans. It took my mind off of the negative and focused on the positive. The final night I'm coming off stage, and drying the sweat off of my hair.
"Austin your phone has been ringing off the hook." Loniel our drum tech says, handing it to me.
"Thanks man." I say taking it off his hands and looking at my screen. 40 missed calls from Felicity. I look around at everyone else.
"Felicity has called me so many times." Alan says.
"Me too." I say nervously, this can't be good. I call Felicity back, nervously tapping my foot up and down, the longer it takes for her to answer the more anxious I become.
"Austin! You need to get home! You need to get to the Hospital, there's something wrong with Lily!" Felicity is saying quickly into the phone before I can even say anything.
"Alright, it's going to take me at least two hours to get there."
"Just get here!" She's obviously freaking out. I hang up and look around, how am I going to get there.
"Does anyone have a car?! This is important." I ask the whole back room.
"Maddie drove here." Alan says. "We'll drive you." He says running to get his girlfriend.
"What's going on?" Tino asks concerned.
"I have no idea, lily's in the hospital." I say with a lump in my throat. My head is everywhere, my stomach is in a knot.
"We'll meet you there." he says just as Alan and Maddie make their way back to grab me to get in the car and get to the Hospital.
My head is everywhere. The car ride is silent besides the faint sound of music. I'm starting to bite my nails, and my stomach is turning endlessly. I can't imagine how Lily is feeling right now, I can't imagine what has happened. I just hope she and the baby are okay. My heart is pounding, and it feels like it's taking forever. I watch as the views go by quickly, mindlessly. I needed to get to Lily.
When we're drawing close, I tense up. I feel my heart popping out of my chest, and sweat appear back on my forehead. I feel like I'm being suffocated. I practically jump out of the car, and run up to the front desk. When I get her room number, I'm running to get to her room, and when I find it, I hesitate to go in.
My heart is pounding when I enter the room. It's quiet, except for the beeping of a heart monitor. She's facing away from me, and Felicity is holding her hand, by her side. She's so focused on Lily, right where I should be. I stop as Felicity's eyes slowly look up to me. She looks back down at Lily, and stands up slowly. She was clearly crying, she had a little black smudged under her eyes.
"I'm going to get a soda." She mumbles to Lily, leaving her laying there. She brushes past me, like I'm not there. I walk slowly over to the bed, and I sit in the chair Felicity was sitting in. I look down at her beautiful face... her sad, beautiful face.
"Hi." I say quietly. She's been crying too, she doesn't look at me. She looks through me. She doesn't say anything for a few minutes.
"I'm sorry." She whispers. "You wanted this more than I did, and I lost it." Her face turns morose, and she starts to sob. I feel my eyes stinging because of this.
"Lily, what happened?" I choke out, trying to keep my tears contained. I need to be strong for her, for us.
"I had really bad stomach pains the past couple of days. Really bad back pains." She says covering her face with her hands. "And I miscarried our baby." She's weeping behind her small hands. "I'm so sorry Austin, I am so sorry." I kneel by her bed, to be at her level.
"Lily, you can't think this was your fault." I say pulling her hands away from her face. "Look at me, this wasn't your fault." She doesn't say anything after that, she just sobs, in my arms.
Hours later, the Nurse is coming to the room to let us know we can go home after filling out some paperwork. The ride home is quiet and heartache fills the car. I was happy about that child that was to be born, I was thrilled. Now, I'd have to wait for that part of my life to happen.
Lily.
My heart was broken for Austin, for what would have been our first child. Guilt fills me. I didn't want a child yet, but I would have fallen in love with it. I was feeling a mix of feelings when I found out I was pregnant, but now I'm not. I feel empty, like a hole has been punched through my heart. I can't close my eyes, because all I see is blood. I lay in bed with Austin tonight. I feel him gently running his fingers through my hair. The morning light is showing before I finally fall asleep.
8/19/13