This One is for You.
Swing Life Away
The next few days, Austin and I are all tangled up in each other. We've never been like this, but we're constantly kissing behind the scenes. Kissing, hugging, cuddling, all of that stuff.
Tonight we lay on top of the bus looking up at the sky, waiting for a meteor shower. We lay together watching the night sky intently, giggling at each others jokes drinking from a wine bottle, holding hands. It feels like we're teenagers again. Nothing to worry about, careless. I feel like I'm on top of the world, and in a way, I am.
"How funny is this?" He says quietly, "We've been best friends for so long, but I've never felt... this way." He says looking over at me. "I mean why now? Like, was it destined to be this summer... was this our fate?" He asks. I just look into those eyes, look at those lips, that cute little nose. I don't say anything but I listen to his words, take them in, let them sink into me.
"I think I've always known." I say, "Part of me always wanted you."
"What do you mean."
"I don't want to sound stupid."
"You told me everything before, what makes you think now would be any different."
"I just can't picture myself with anyone else... You've been here the whole time. You never left my side." His hand holds onto mine tighter, and he doesn't say a word this time. "It was always you."
The air grows quiet, and you hear nothing but the sounds of bands closing their sets with kids screaming. It's the sound we both love. We close our eyes and let it sink in. In a few weeks, all of this will be over, but we will still be together.
"Let's dance." He says.
"To what song?" I laugh a little, standing up. He does too.
"Does it matter?" He asks. I shake my head as he pulls me close, one had in his, my hand on his shoulder, his arm around my waist, my head against his chest. I listen to his heartbeat and close my eyes. The only song I need. I take in his scent as we sway back and forth to a song we both don't know. Until he starts to hum, "Swing Life Away" by Rise Against. He sounds so adorable. I want this moment to stay forever. He spins me around and pulls me back in. I don't want this to end. This is what I've been looking for. I don't want to let this go.
--A few days later. --
I'm sitting in the bus, uploading more pictures, updating my blog while the boys are out doing interviews and their signing and their show. Felicity comes in with a huge grin on her face.
"I hope you're done whatever you're doing... We need to hit the town." I look at her confused. "What are you wearing to prom tonight?"
"Prom...?" I can't figure out what she's talking about then, it hits me. Warped prom.... Austin asked me yesterday. "I totally forgot." I sigh, finishing up the last sentence I was on, and posting it.
"So, come on! I want us to find some nice clothes." She pulls me to a car and we're off to start shopping.
Austin and I never went to our senior prom, instead we just stayed at home, watched movies and got drunk. I smile to myself, now I get to experience it, for real. I'm looking through so many different dresses, but I want to feel awesome.
I try on many different dresses but when I find a sequins gold one, I know it's the one. I spin around in it, my golden skin looks great under this. Austin will love it too. I hope... I Smile at myself in the mirror, for the first time in a long time, I like what I see. I can't wait to do my makeup tonight.
"Come out. I want to see! You haven't showed me one thing." I pull open the curtain quickly. Her eyes open and her mouth drops.
"Now if only Austin could give me the same reaction." I say, folding my arms and leaning against the wall.
"Lillian Marie Reynolds... What a sight to see." She smiles. "He's going to die." She laughs and goes back to her dressing room.
Hours later we're in the back lounge getting ready for "Prom" doing our hair and makeup as if we're getting picked up soon. I bet Austin's going to look so handsome. I bite my lip and smile at that, he always does. Everything about him is so damn great. I was really lucky to stumble upon him years ago.
"Let's gooo we wanna party!" Alan's voice chimes in from behind the back lounge door.
"Shut up Alan, just because you're naturally pretty." I say giggling.
"You're right!" Alan says, "But come on guys..."
"We're done, stop complaining." Felicity grumbles opening the back lounge door. Felicity, had settled with a sequins black dress and red heels. I follow her lead out to the front lounge, where Austin is waiting for me.
Austin.
Almost like time stops, I see her face. We missed prom, for this? I'm so glad I get to see her all dolled up the way she looks now. She's stunning, breathtaking, beautiful. I don't even know what to say when I finally see her shy smile, it's like a movie the way she's walking towards me, as if we're far away. I just smile, and wait for her to take my hand, she lightly presses her lips to the top of my knuckles.
"Hi." I say softly.
"Hi." She bats her eyes and bites her lip with that smile. Oh, that smile.
Lily.
Why isn't he saying anything. I wonder, everyone else is buzzing, and having conversations. Austin just kind of looks at me. I take his hand in mine, kiss the top, leaving a little red kiss print. He finally says 'hi' to me, and I reply with a 'hi' right back. He looks so handsome of course, I let him take my hand as the group of us, head to "Prom."
As we walk Austin pulls me close. "You look beautiful." He whispers kissing my cheek, I grin widely as we get inside the little pavilion. Music is playing and people are already dancing, drinking, and eating food. That's where I head, I'm starving.
I feel Austin's hand softly holding onto my waist as we make our way over to food. I love the way that feels. I smile up at him, we haven't said much, but I think we both know what we want to say. We grab some food and sit at a table watching people dance, laugh at how funny some people look.
We hit the bar, get some drinks, and head out on the dance floor. I love dancing with everyone, I'm having so much fun at this moment, I forget everything bad. I'm feeling more and more drunk as time passes but I know Austin can help me. He's smiling too, and I hope he's having as much fun as I am.
"I. I wanna talk to you." he says whispering into my ear, clearly just as drunk as I am. I bite my lip and nod, kissing his lips, before he pulls me away from the "prom." I don't know where he's taking me, but I don't care. He pushes me against a bus, and kisses me hard. His hands are pulling me as close to him, as he could.
"Austin, what do you want to talk about?" I ask when he finally pulls away.
"I don't know." He giggles. He pulls me along, and we drunkenly laugh, and start to sing the words to "Swing Life Away" by rise against. I can't help but smile. When we get to our bus we stand outside, and again, he kisses me.
"Would you ever marry me?" he asks, and my heart stops for a second.
"W-Would I?" I ask. "I don't know.." I say, terrified of marriage. Ever since I was young, and my parents divorced, I didn't even want to get married. He looks a little hurt, but I couldn't just tell him yes, especially if I didn't mean it.
"Why not?" He asks standing a bit farther away from me.
"Austin, you know how I feel about marriage." I fold my arms, and look away from him. He should know, I've always told him. "You know I'm terrified of marriage... even love... love comes easy with you, but you know how I feel."
"But you wouldn't ever marry me?"
"You're to drunk."
"You wouldn't ever marry me?" He repeats.
"Austin." I say growing angry, "Stop this shit right now."
"I could just see you on our wedding day..." he says closing his eyes.
"Stop." I mumble.
"You'd look so beautiful, you looked so beautiful tonight, but you'd be so innocent looking, in white, and everyone would just stare at you, like an angel."
"Austin." I say, "Stop."
"Come on Lily, you don't see me standing at the end of the aisle? You don't see me in a tuxedo?" He says. I feel tears stinging my eyes, and I don't say anything, they're probably glazing over my eyes. It's not that I couldn't imagine myself doing all of those things, but I'm afraid. I'm absolutely terrified.
"Stop right fucking now." I say as my voice shakes.
"Lily, I just could see all of this so clearly... and you pregnant. A mom, you'd be the best mother."
"Get the fuck away from me." I say, "Don't even talk to me." I turn quickly, and head into the bus, straight to the back lounge where I could lock myself away. I hear him stumbling behind me but I don't turn around. He's knocking at the door.
"I'm sorry Lily, I just would love to see it, you're the only person I'd want to marry. Best friends are supposed to get married, you seen the movies." He's mumbling. "I love you." he says. I can't stop my tears now, that are pouring from my eyes. I couldn't help that this was happening, plus, I was drunk to. I wanted to go to sleep, this was all a bad dream, right? Austin didn't bring up marriage, right? I just wanted to sleep it all away. Austin tried knocking more and more, but I wasn't budging this time, I numbly stared at the door, until I eventually fell asleep.
Someone's banging on the door, and yelling my name. I'm so nauseous, but I get up quickly, though my head is spinning. I open the door, to Felicity.
"You scared the crap out of me, I thought you might have been hurt..." She says. It's morning, light is creeping into the bus. "It's 1 in the afternoon why the fuck did you lock yourself back here?" I quickly glance around to the bunks, they're all empty. A sigh of relief.
"Austin pissed me off... upset me." I say sitting down on the couch I slept on all night.
"What happened?"
"He brought up marriage..." I cringe. Her eyes open so wide.
"What...?" Her eyes are huge still. "He wants to marry you."
"You know how I feel about marriage. He knows how I feel about marriage."
"Yeah, but he wants to marry you! Oh my god...." I sigh, apparently no one understands.
"I need to take a shower." I mumble, going to get clothes. I couldn't believe she was amazed by the idea too. I almost want to die. Taking a shower feels nice, refreshing, out of that stupid dress. Stupid prom. Stepping out of the shower, I hear people talking, so I try to be as quiet as possible.
I quickly get dressed and put on a little bit of makeup, when I feel the presence of someone else with me. I don't turn around, because I know it's Austin.
"Look..." He starts to say.
"Austin, I don't want an apology, I don't want anything from you for that matter." I turn around quickly. "I don't even want to talk to you. I thought we were best friends, but apparently not."
"Yeah well, we started dating."
"Well, how stupid of me to think that, that could work out." We're both silent.
"You know, I wanted to apologize, come in here, tell you how stupid and sorry I was, and kiss your face, and I thought that could make everything okay. You're all I've thought about all day, but that doesn't matter. I thought we were best friends too, but apparently, you think otherwise."
"You know, let's just end it right here." I surprise Austin and I even surprise myself. "Fuck this relationship. Let's go back to being friends, or be nothing."
"I'm not a fan of ultimatums."
"Well you pick."
"Fine. Let's just be friends, since it's to hard for you to just listen to what I have to say."
"Fine." I say. He looks crushed, and even my heart hurts a little right now. He let's out a laugh.
"To think I thought we could have worked out, silly of me. Relationships always fail for me." He says turning around and leaving me standing there. I didn't mean for that to happen. I know he's been let down before, but I didn't want to do that. I sit down not knowing what to think, and I put my head into my hands. What did I just do? I am the queen at messing up, but I never thought I would with Austin. Even as a friend.
Tonight we lay on top of the bus looking up at the sky, waiting for a meteor shower. We lay together watching the night sky intently, giggling at each others jokes drinking from a wine bottle, holding hands. It feels like we're teenagers again. Nothing to worry about, careless. I feel like I'm on top of the world, and in a way, I am.
"How funny is this?" He says quietly, "We've been best friends for so long, but I've never felt... this way." He says looking over at me. "I mean why now? Like, was it destined to be this summer... was this our fate?" He asks. I just look into those eyes, look at those lips, that cute little nose. I don't say anything but I listen to his words, take them in, let them sink into me.
"I think I've always known." I say, "Part of me always wanted you."
"What do you mean."
"I don't want to sound stupid."
"You told me everything before, what makes you think now would be any different."
"I just can't picture myself with anyone else... You've been here the whole time. You never left my side." His hand holds onto mine tighter, and he doesn't say a word this time. "It was always you."
The air grows quiet, and you hear nothing but the sounds of bands closing their sets with kids screaming. It's the sound we both love. We close our eyes and let it sink in. In a few weeks, all of this will be over, but we will still be together.
"Let's dance." He says.
"To what song?" I laugh a little, standing up. He does too.
"Does it matter?" He asks. I shake my head as he pulls me close, one had in his, my hand on his shoulder, his arm around my waist, my head against his chest. I listen to his heartbeat and close my eyes. The only song I need. I take in his scent as we sway back and forth to a song we both don't know. Until he starts to hum, "Swing Life Away" by Rise Against. He sounds so adorable. I want this moment to stay forever. He spins me around and pulls me back in. I don't want this to end. This is what I've been looking for. I don't want to let this go.
--A few days later. --
I'm sitting in the bus, uploading more pictures, updating my blog while the boys are out doing interviews and their signing and their show. Felicity comes in with a huge grin on her face.
"I hope you're done whatever you're doing... We need to hit the town." I look at her confused. "What are you wearing to prom tonight?"
"Prom...?" I can't figure out what she's talking about then, it hits me. Warped prom.... Austin asked me yesterday. "I totally forgot." I sigh, finishing up the last sentence I was on, and posting it.
"So, come on! I want us to find some nice clothes." She pulls me to a car and we're off to start shopping.
Austin and I never went to our senior prom, instead we just stayed at home, watched movies and got drunk. I smile to myself, now I get to experience it, for real. I'm looking through so many different dresses, but I want to feel awesome.
I try on many different dresses but when I find a sequins gold one, I know it's the one. I spin around in it, my golden skin looks great under this. Austin will love it too. I hope... I Smile at myself in the mirror, for the first time in a long time, I like what I see. I can't wait to do my makeup tonight.
"Come out. I want to see! You haven't showed me one thing." I pull open the curtain quickly. Her eyes open and her mouth drops.
"Now if only Austin could give me the same reaction." I say, folding my arms and leaning against the wall.
"Lillian Marie Reynolds... What a sight to see." She smiles. "He's going to die." She laughs and goes back to her dressing room.
Hours later we're in the back lounge getting ready for "Prom" doing our hair and makeup as if we're getting picked up soon. I bet Austin's going to look so handsome. I bite my lip and smile at that, he always does. Everything about him is so damn great. I was really lucky to stumble upon him years ago.
"Let's gooo we wanna party!" Alan's voice chimes in from behind the back lounge door.
"Shut up Alan, just because you're naturally pretty." I say giggling.
"You're right!" Alan says, "But come on guys..."
"We're done, stop complaining." Felicity grumbles opening the back lounge door. Felicity, had settled with a sequins black dress and red heels. I follow her lead out to the front lounge, where Austin is waiting for me.
Austin.
Almost like time stops, I see her face. We missed prom, for this? I'm so glad I get to see her all dolled up the way she looks now. She's stunning, breathtaking, beautiful. I don't even know what to say when I finally see her shy smile, it's like a movie the way she's walking towards me, as if we're far away. I just smile, and wait for her to take my hand, she lightly presses her lips to the top of my knuckles.
"Hi." I say softly.
"Hi." She bats her eyes and bites her lip with that smile. Oh, that smile.
Lily.
Why isn't he saying anything. I wonder, everyone else is buzzing, and having conversations. Austin just kind of looks at me. I take his hand in mine, kiss the top, leaving a little red kiss print. He finally says 'hi' to me, and I reply with a 'hi' right back. He looks so handsome of course, I let him take my hand as the group of us, head to "Prom."
As we walk Austin pulls me close. "You look beautiful." He whispers kissing my cheek, I grin widely as we get inside the little pavilion. Music is playing and people are already dancing, drinking, and eating food. That's where I head, I'm starving.
I feel Austin's hand softly holding onto my waist as we make our way over to food. I love the way that feels. I smile up at him, we haven't said much, but I think we both know what we want to say. We grab some food and sit at a table watching people dance, laugh at how funny some people look.
We hit the bar, get some drinks, and head out on the dance floor. I love dancing with everyone, I'm having so much fun at this moment, I forget everything bad. I'm feeling more and more drunk as time passes but I know Austin can help me. He's smiling too, and I hope he's having as much fun as I am.
"I. I wanna talk to you." he says whispering into my ear, clearly just as drunk as I am. I bite my lip and nod, kissing his lips, before he pulls me away from the "prom." I don't know where he's taking me, but I don't care. He pushes me against a bus, and kisses me hard. His hands are pulling me as close to him, as he could.
"Austin, what do you want to talk about?" I ask when he finally pulls away.
"I don't know." He giggles. He pulls me along, and we drunkenly laugh, and start to sing the words to "Swing Life Away" by rise against. I can't help but smile. When we get to our bus we stand outside, and again, he kisses me.
"Would you ever marry me?" he asks, and my heart stops for a second.
"W-Would I?" I ask. "I don't know.." I say, terrified of marriage. Ever since I was young, and my parents divorced, I didn't even want to get married. He looks a little hurt, but I couldn't just tell him yes, especially if I didn't mean it.
"Why not?" He asks standing a bit farther away from me.
"Austin, you know how I feel about marriage." I fold my arms, and look away from him. He should know, I've always told him. "You know I'm terrified of marriage... even love... love comes easy with you, but you know how I feel."
"But you wouldn't ever marry me?"
"You're to drunk."
"You wouldn't ever marry me?" He repeats.
"Austin." I say growing angry, "Stop this shit right now."
"I could just see you on our wedding day..." he says closing his eyes.
"Stop." I mumble.
"You'd look so beautiful, you looked so beautiful tonight, but you'd be so innocent looking, in white, and everyone would just stare at you, like an angel."
"Austin." I say, "Stop."
"Come on Lily, you don't see me standing at the end of the aisle? You don't see me in a tuxedo?" He says. I feel tears stinging my eyes, and I don't say anything, they're probably glazing over my eyes. It's not that I couldn't imagine myself doing all of those things, but I'm afraid. I'm absolutely terrified.
"Stop right fucking now." I say as my voice shakes.
"Lily, I just could see all of this so clearly... and you pregnant. A mom, you'd be the best mother."
"Get the fuck away from me." I say, "Don't even talk to me." I turn quickly, and head into the bus, straight to the back lounge where I could lock myself away. I hear him stumbling behind me but I don't turn around. He's knocking at the door.
"I'm sorry Lily, I just would love to see it, you're the only person I'd want to marry. Best friends are supposed to get married, you seen the movies." He's mumbling. "I love you." he says. I can't stop my tears now, that are pouring from my eyes. I couldn't help that this was happening, plus, I was drunk to. I wanted to go to sleep, this was all a bad dream, right? Austin didn't bring up marriage, right? I just wanted to sleep it all away. Austin tried knocking more and more, but I wasn't budging this time, I numbly stared at the door, until I eventually fell asleep.
Someone's banging on the door, and yelling my name. I'm so nauseous, but I get up quickly, though my head is spinning. I open the door, to Felicity.
"You scared the crap out of me, I thought you might have been hurt..." She says. It's morning, light is creeping into the bus. "It's 1 in the afternoon why the fuck did you lock yourself back here?" I quickly glance around to the bunks, they're all empty. A sigh of relief.
"Austin pissed me off... upset me." I say sitting down on the couch I slept on all night.
"What happened?"
"He brought up marriage..." I cringe. Her eyes open so wide.
"What...?" Her eyes are huge still. "He wants to marry you."
"You know how I feel about marriage. He knows how I feel about marriage."
"Yeah, but he wants to marry you! Oh my god...." I sigh, apparently no one understands.
"I need to take a shower." I mumble, going to get clothes. I couldn't believe she was amazed by the idea too. I almost want to die. Taking a shower feels nice, refreshing, out of that stupid dress. Stupid prom. Stepping out of the shower, I hear people talking, so I try to be as quiet as possible.
I quickly get dressed and put on a little bit of makeup, when I feel the presence of someone else with me. I don't turn around, because I know it's Austin.
"Look..." He starts to say.
"Austin, I don't want an apology, I don't want anything from you for that matter." I turn around quickly. "I don't even want to talk to you. I thought we were best friends, but apparently not."
"Yeah well, we started dating."
"Well, how stupid of me to think that, that could work out." We're both silent.
"You know, I wanted to apologize, come in here, tell you how stupid and sorry I was, and kiss your face, and I thought that could make everything okay. You're all I've thought about all day, but that doesn't matter. I thought we were best friends too, but apparently, you think otherwise."
"You know, let's just end it right here." I surprise Austin and I even surprise myself. "Fuck this relationship. Let's go back to being friends, or be nothing."
"I'm not a fan of ultimatums."
"Well you pick."
"Fine. Let's just be friends, since it's to hard for you to just listen to what I have to say."
"Fine." I say. He looks crushed, and even my heart hurts a little right now. He let's out a laugh.
"To think I thought we could have worked out, silly of me. Relationships always fail for me." He says turning around and leaving me standing there. I didn't mean for that to happen. I know he's been let down before, but I didn't want to do that. I sit down not knowing what to think, and I put my head into my hands. What did I just do? I am the queen at messing up, but I never thought I would with Austin. Even as a friend.
8/14/13