Just Breathe
miss missing you
"Gielle, how could you? I-"
"You weren't good enough, Austin. You were never good enough. You'll never be good enough. You're the fireworks that didn't go off, the ash on the cigarette, the crust on the bread. No one will never want you Austin, and you're a fool for thinking that I ever did."
A sandpaper-y tongue licked at Austin's cheek, waking up the dreaming boy. Austin turned on his side, his eyes wet from crying in his sleep. He listened to his heart beat for a few moments, staring at the empty space where his ex wife used to sleep. He couldn't decide if it hurt worse to think about his pillow without her head on it- or whose pillow it was on when it wasn't- almost literally behind his back. Austin sighed. He didn't believe in second chances. She had lied so much to him with a poker face on. Every hand she dealt him had been a slap in the face. He didn't think he could live through something like that happening to him again. Austin sighed softly and turned back over onto his back, and glanced over at the clock. It read: 11:11 am. The boy closed his eyes and whispered, "I wish to be happy." The following silence seemed to swallowed his wish whole. The kitten mewed and hopped onto Austin's chest, dipping its head as if to say, "Hey! You overslept! Hurry up, I'm hungry!" The tattooed boy smiled and scratched behind the kitten's ear before throwing the warm blankets off of him, and getting out of bed. He poured the kitten a little more milk, let it out to potty, then jumped in the shower. When he was all cleaned up and ready for the day, Austin took pictures of the kitten and printed them out on papers that he had typed, 'Orange Kitten Found At Stone Oaks Apartment Fire.' He typed some basic contact information and then printed out about fifty of them. He grabbed a staple gun and bid the kitten farewell before heading out the door.
Austin's fliers were successfully posted around the area of the apartments that had burned down. Feeling accomplished, Austin thought he would buy himself an Italian soda at the local Hastings. He hummed softly to himself as he walked into the store, roaming around the isles of books before wandering into the cafe part. Austin scrolled through his phone as he stepped into the line, replying to texts and looking at pictures on Instagram. He looked up when an angelic, but deep, voice sounded from in front of him. Austin couldn't help but stare at the red head as he ordered a French vanilla latte. The tall boy recognized the red head from the fire the night before. The red head's despair no longer dominated his features; though soft sadness could still be seen, along with a worn look of tiredness. Austin watched him pay with crumpled bills, then stand by the counter where you pick up your order when it was ready. The tall boy quickly ordered his soda and went and stood next to the boy. He did his best to muster up the courage to speak to him. "Hey." Austin's voice barely registered louder than a whisper. The red head didn't look over or acknowledge the lanky boy in any way. Austin looked down at his feet. Why would the cute guy want to talk to him anyway? Austin was unattractive and weird. No one would ever want him. Austin's order was called and Austin kept his head down as he picked up up his drink and walked outside to sit on the patio and drink. The young man took a sip of his drink, licking the whipped cream from his upper lip, sighing softly. Everything was getting worse for the boy. Gielle had been his everything. He treated her like a princess, but he still wasn't good enough. The boy rubbed the top of his Toms along the ground, face downcast. His heart was heavy with sadness. He wished his mom were still alive, he could use her advice. She always had the best advice to give. He also wished he had payed more attention to her advice back then. He could only remember one or so of the things she had told him, the main one being: "Skin is meant to be torn." She had told him this after getting beat up for the first time, and had scratches on his arms. He ran a long fingered hand over his thighs. Yes, skin was meant to be torn. He tore his open himself every night.
"Hi." Austin looked up at the red headed young man that stood awkwardly across from him. The lanky boy smiled a little. "Hi. Can I help you?" Of course that's the first thing Austin would ask the ginger; Austin was always out to help someone. The re head shook his head slightly. "No, I- . . . Could I sit with you?" Austin nodded. "Of course you can." The red haired boy sat down with his French vanilla latte, smiling. "I'm Alan." Alan held out a hand to Austin. The tall young man took Alan's hand in his own. Austin's heart fluttered at their touch. "I'm Austin." Alan held onto Austin's hand a tad bit longer than necessary- or had Austin just imagined that? Either way, Austin liked holing Alan's hand, which was weird because Austin literally just met the young man. Though, something about Alan was just captivating. "Sorry that I ignored you in there. I thought you were going to bully me or something. You're a bit intimidating." Austin chuckled at Alan's words. Austin intimidating? Huh. Maybe, he was rather tall and is covered in tattoos. In all honesty though, Austin wouldn't hurt a fly, unless he was defending someone else, of course. "What made you come talk to me then?" Austin asked curiously. Alan blushed a little, and Austin decided that he would do everything he could to see Alan blush again, because it was very cute. "You looked so sad when I ignored you. I felt really bad for judging you by your looks." Austin looked away. Alan just felt sorry for him. Alan wasn't actually interested in him in anyway. "It's okay." Austin's voice was soft. He couldn't help but be so sensitive- everyone he cared about has trashed his love. "I know this is a totally lame question, but what kind of music do you like?" Austin gestured to his tank top. "Well theres Slipknot. I also like Korn, Pink Floyd, the Foo Fighters, and Pearl Jam." Alan grinned and succeeded in taking Austin's breath away at the same time. "Oh those are great bands! i love them too! Do you play any instruments?" Austin blushed. "Uh, no. It's hard for me to play any instruments really. but I can yell really loud. Sort of. I'm not any good." Alan chuckled. "I play guitar." He looked at the time on his phone and sighed. "I have to get to work. You should call me sometime, we could hang out. You can show me how you yell really loud." Did Austin just imagine a wink? "O-okay." Alan wrote down his number and handed it to Austin, then walked off. Austin stare at the number, blinking repeatedly to make sure he wasn't seeing things. Austin slowly made his way home, stopping to buy some soft cat food for the kitten.
"You weren't good enough, Austin. You were never good enough. You'll never be good enough. You're the fireworks that didn't go off, the ash on the cigarette, the crust on the bread. No one will never want you Austin, and you're a fool for thinking that I ever did."
A sandpaper-y tongue licked at Austin's cheek, waking up the dreaming boy. Austin turned on his side, his eyes wet from crying in his sleep. He listened to his heart beat for a few moments, staring at the empty space where his ex wife used to sleep. He couldn't decide if it hurt worse to think about his pillow without her head on it- or whose pillow it was on when it wasn't- almost literally behind his back. Austin sighed. He didn't believe in second chances. She had lied so much to him with a poker face on. Every hand she dealt him had been a slap in the face. He didn't think he could live through something like that happening to him again. Austin sighed softly and turned back over onto his back, and glanced over at the clock. It read: 11:11 am. The boy closed his eyes and whispered, "I wish to be happy." The following silence seemed to swallowed his wish whole. The kitten mewed and hopped onto Austin's chest, dipping its head as if to say, "Hey! You overslept! Hurry up, I'm hungry!" The tattooed boy smiled and scratched behind the kitten's ear before throwing the warm blankets off of him, and getting out of bed. He poured the kitten a little more milk, let it out to potty, then jumped in the shower. When he was all cleaned up and ready for the day, Austin took pictures of the kitten and printed them out on papers that he had typed, 'Orange Kitten Found At Stone Oaks Apartment Fire.' He typed some basic contact information and then printed out about fifty of them. He grabbed a staple gun and bid the kitten farewell before heading out the door.
Austin's fliers were successfully posted around the area of the apartments that had burned down. Feeling accomplished, Austin thought he would buy himself an Italian soda at the local Hastings. He hummed softly to himself as he walked into the store, roaming around the isles of books before wandering into the cafe part. Austin scrolled through his phone as he stepped into the line, replying to texts and looking at pictures on Instagram. He looked up when an angelic, but deep, voice sounded from in front of him. Austin couldn't help but stare at the red head as he ordered a French vanilla latte. The tall boy recognized the red head from the fire the night before. The red head's despair no longer dominated his features; though soft sadness could still be seen, along with a worn look of tiredness. Austin watched him pay with crumpled bills, then stand by the counter where you pick up your order when it was ready. The tall boy quickly ordered his soda and went and stood next to the boy. He did his best to muster up the courage to speak to him. "Hey." Austin's voice barely registered louder than a whisper. The red head didn't look over or acknowledge the lanky boy in any way. Austin looked down at his feet. Why would the cute guy want to talk to him anyway? Austin was unattractive and weird. No one would ever want him. Austin's order was called and Austin kept his head down as he picked up up his drink and walked outside to sit on the patio and drink. The young man took a sip of his drink, licking the whipped cream from his upper lip, sighing softly. Everything was getting worse for the boy. Gielle had been his everything. He treated her like a princess, but he still wasn't good enough. The boy rubbed the top of his Toms along the ground, face downcast. His heart was heavy with sadness. He wished his mom were still alive, he could use her advice. She always had the best advice to give. He also wished he had payed more attention to her advice back then. He could only remember one or so of the things she had told him, the main one being: "Skin is meant to be torn." She had told him this after getting beat up for the first time, and had scratches on his arms. He ran a long fingered hand over his thighs. Yes, skin was meant to be torn. He tore his open himself every night.
"Hi." Austin looked up at the red headed young man that stood awkwardly across from him. The lanky boy smiled a little. "Hi. Can I help you?" Of course that's the first thing Austin would ask the ginger; Austin was always out to help someone. The re head shook his head slightly. "No, I- . . . Could I sit with you?" Austin nodded. "Of course you can." The red haired boy sat down with his French vanilla latte, smiling. "I'm Alan." Alan held out a hand to Austin. The tall young man took Alan's hand in his own. Austin's heart fluttered at their touch. "I'm Austin." Alan held onto Austin's hand a tad bit longer than necessary- or had Austin just imagined that? Either way, Austin liked holing Alan's hand, which was weird because Austin literally just met the young man. Though, something about Alan was just captivating. "Sorry that I ignored you in there. I thought you were going to bully me or something. You're a bit intimidating." Austin chuckled at Alan's words. Austin intimidating? Huh. Maybe, he was rather tall and is covered in tattoos. In all honesty though, Austin wouldn't hurt a fly, unless he was defending someone else, of course. "What made you come talk to me then?" Austin asked curiously. Alan blushed a little, and Austin decided that he would do everything he could to see Alan blush again, because it was very cute. "You looked so sad when I ignored you. I felt really bad for judging you by your looks." Austin looked away. Alan just felt sorry for him. Alan wasn't actually interested in him in anyway. "It's okay." Austin's voice was soft. He couldn't help but be so sensitive- everyone he cared about has trashed his love. "I know this is a totally lame question, but what kind of music do you like?" Austin gestured to his tank top. "Well theres Slipknot. I also like Korn, Pink Floyd, the Foo Fighters, and Pearl Jam." Alan grinned and succeeded in taking Austin's breath away at the same time. "Oh those are great bands! i love them too! Do you play any instruments?" Austin blushed. "Uh, no. It's hard for me to play any instruments really. but I can yell really loud. Sort of. I'm not any good." Alan chuckled. "I play guitar." He looked at the time on his phone and sighed. "I have to get to work. You should call me sometime, we could hang out. You can show me how you yell really loud." Did Austin just imagine a wink? "O-okay." Alan wrote down his number and handed it to Austin, then walked off. Austin stare at the number, blinking repeatedly to make sure he wasn't seeing things. Austin slowly made his way home, stopping to buy some soft cat food for the kitten.
I'm crying
2/6/14