It was raining hard as I went running for Of Mice’s bus. I could see the guys outside trying to pack up their stuff. Bus call was soon and I knew I had little time.

“Austin!” I screamed.

He turned and squinted through the darkness to see who had called his name. Upon realizing it was me, he shook his head and climbed onto the bus.

“Ugh!” I yelled in frustration feeling the mud splatter up my pants and soak through my shoes as I ran. I yanked open the bus door hard and stormed up the steps, wrenching the curtain open. “Will you please let me talk to you?” My eyes were boring into the back of Austin’s head but I was addressing the entire band. No one responded and Austin didn’t turn around; I dropped my arms to my sides and hung my head feeling defeated. “You wanted me explain…”

Tino moved over the slightest bit patting the leather next to him. I took a step forward, my eyes never leaving the back of Austin’s head. He didn’t move and I slowly sank down next to Tino taking a deep breath. Austin’s hands were clenched tight, his knuckles white.

“Austin, please sit.” I begged barely above a whisper. He took a moment considering what I had said before slowly turning and sitting down across from me.

His eyes came up and met mine, “Go ahead.”

I sucked in a ragged breath running a shaky hand through my hair. Adrenaline started flooding my body and I knew I had to do this now before I got too scared. “That man that day, his name is Nick Hanson.”

Everyone’s eyes were on me, waiting patiently for me to continue. “He was…he…he was…my boyfriend a while back.”

“Why was he attacking you?” Aaron asking slowly.

“I should start from the beginning…” I mumbled more to myself, then to them. “I’m from Vermont.”

“I thought you were from San Francisco?” Austin asked sitting up, his brow was creased with confusion.

“I lied.” I said simply. “I always lie about where I’m from. I was so afraid for years if I told the truth someone would just know what I had gone through and would tell Nick and he’d find me.”

“How’d you meet Jack and Alex then? Or is that a lie too?” Alan asked seriously.

“No, that was true. I met them in Boston my junior year of high school with my friend. That whole story is true.”

“Where does Nick come into this?” Austin asked. “And why are you so afraid of him?”

“I graduated and I moved to Boston. I was young and naïve and thought being in the city would be the most glamorous thing in the world. I met Nick at a house party…in the bathroom…where he was
doing heroin.”

There was a collective intake of breath around the room as I finished my sentence, as I had kind of suspected. I took a moment to swallow the lump that had arisen in my throat and carried on.

“Nick is a drug dealer and he made drugs seem like the coolest thing on the planet. Fuck, he was a drug himself. I got so wrapped up in him I lost myself. I was in a downward spiral and I was completely blind to it. I don’t even remember most of that year…”

“Let me get this straight…” Alan said drawing everyone’s attention to him. “You’ve never smoked weed…but you did hardcore fucking drugs.”

I nodded feeling really embarrassed. “Epitome of 0 to 60, huh?”

“What were you on?” Austin asked slowly. I searched his eyes to see how he was taking this new information. His eyes were consumed with concern, worry, and curiosity.

“Pills were my go to. But I did a lot of coke…and a lot heroin too. I have scars.” I laid my arms out straight in front of me and pointed to some of the little scars that lined my arms from the needles I had shoved under my skin.

“So what happened next?” Phil asked with wide eyes. I almost wanted to laugh at his expression.

“I don’t know…I woke up one day and I remember thinking ‘What the fuck are you doing, Raegan?’
Nick and I rented this tiny room in this apartment from these people. And I remember always being terrified that someone would break through the window at night and kill us. Nick always had people after him…” I felt tears prick my eyes as I got to this point in the story. “It was almost my birthday, and I remember I wanted to get away from him. I tried once when he was strung out. He was on me before I made it out the door.”

The tears started falling as I got to this part in the story and Tino started rubbing my back. Austin’s hand reached across and grabbed onto my hand squeezing tightly. “He threw me to the ground…and kept kicking me in the stomach…and in in the head…and I blacked out. And then…then I…I woke up…and he was raping me.”

I broke down then and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to finish. The guys waited patiently for me to find control over myself again and carry on with the story. “Sorry,” I mumbled sniffling.

“Hey…” Austin said making me meet his gaze. “Don’t apologize.”

I nodded slowly before continuing. “So that night, I snuck out of the bed and I took all the money he had been saving up. I climbed down the fire escape and I ran. I ran to the nearest bus station and I took the next bus to Philadelphia and I swore I would never go back to Boston because I was so afraid Nick would find me and take me back into that life.”

“Why Philly?” Alan asked.

“I don’t know. I had always wanted to go. I had always dreamed of living there and it seemed like a happy place to me at them time. But I was wrong. I lived on the streets there for about six months. I had no money, I was still doing drugs. Sometimes I would be so desperate for a fix…I’d have sex with dealers.” I shook my head trying to finish the story. “I heard one night that All Time Low was in town.
I walked 20 fucking blocks to where I had heard they were playing. I knocked on the bus door and Vinny opened and he looked like he saw a ghost. He pulled me on the bus and let me shower and change and told me I couldn’t leave until I saw Alex and Jack. They came back and took me back to Maryland with them. And then they shipped me out to San Francisco where Charlotte lives and she let me move in. I’ve been out there for nine months, I got a job…got back on my feet. But I know she’s sick of me being there. That’s why I came on the road. I don’t know where I’m going to live after this…”

Austin was on me as the last few words wrapping me up in his arms and kissing my head. He pulled away holding my face between his hands and staring into my eyes. “Raegan, I am so, so, so sorry for pushing you into that. I didn’t think it was anything like that. I thought-fuck-I don’t even know what I thought.”

“It’s okay!” I said smiling.

“Aw, Raegan!” Tino said pulling Austin and I into a hug.

“Aww, guys!” Alan screamed joining in on the hug followed by Aaron and Phil.

“I’m so glad you guys don’t hate me!” I said laughing through the tears I had.

“We could never hate you!” They all said at once.

I didn’t think I had ever felt so much love in my life, especially after pouring out some of my darkest secrets. Austin and I made our way into the back lounge to talk privately. I sat down on the couch as
he shut the door and locked it behind him.

“Thank you for telling me all that, Rae.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long. It was just so difficult.” I shrugged.

“I know.” He took a seat next to me and grabbed my hand in his.

“I feel like I lost myself in all of that and I still haven’t found myself.”

“I just wish I had killed him even more now.” Austin said with a sigh.

“It wouldn’t have done anything…”

“Yeah, but Raegan, what he put you through is wrong.”

I nodded looking down. He grabbed my face forcing me to look into his eyes. “You know I love you, right? I know we’ve only known each other a few weeks and we’ve been through some weird ass shit together already, but I really love you.”

“I love you too, Austin. I think we both just have a lot of issues we both need to work on.”

“Me too, babe. I’m willing if you are.”

I nodded feeling a smile spread across my face. He grinned back leaning in and kissing me hard. I wrapped my arms around his neck deepening the kiss and leaning back onto the couch pulling him on top of me.