Red
July 20, 2012 - Camden, New Jersey
The sound of my curtain opening woke me up and I felt a body climbing into my bunk with me. In my half asleep haze and yesterday’s events, my body went into panic mode. I pushed the intruder away thinking it had to have been him. He must have broken onto the bus and here he was trying to take me in my sleep.
“Hey, hey, hey, Raegan…It’s just me.”
My body relaxed almost instantly at the sound of Austin’s voice. I let out a sigh of relief turning fully so
I was facing him this time and wrapping my arms around him.
“You scared me.”
“I’m so sorry.” I murmured into my hair, his hand rubbing circles into my back. “I just missed you.”
I pulled away from him to look into his eyes and smiling at him for being so caring.
“How’d you sleep?” He asked getting comfy next to me in the tiny space.
“Awful.” I admitted looking down.
“Me too.” He moved his right arm away from my back and the sight of it made my eyes go wide. It was wrapped up in an ace bandage.
“What happened?”
“I punched that guy.” He said lightly. “A lot. I think it might be fractured. I’m going to the hospital tonight.”
“This is my fault.” I said feeling my eyes brimming with tears.
“What? Rae, no. No, it’s not.”
“Just please tell me you can still play your set.” I said with my eyes closed trying to hold back the tears.
“Of course I can play, Raegan.”
“Who else got hurt?”
“No one… Babe, who was that guy?”
“Austin, please don’t…”
“I just need to know why he wanted to hurt you so badly.”
“I-I don’t know.” I lied.
“Raegan, yes you do!”
The tears started coming fast then and he pulled me into his chest letting me cry.
“Shhhhh…I’m sorry. I won’t ask questions until you’re ready, okay? Just please don’t leave me in the dark for too long. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
I couldn’t do anything but nod in agreement. I knew he was right, not telling him the truth wasn’t right. And if I wanted to be with him, I had to suck it up and explain it to him. But at the same time, the events and memories of the last two years had been painful enough to live. I had put them behind me a long time ago and I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Talking about it brought back everything I had never wanted to experience again.
“What’s this?” I heard Austin ask pulling me back into reality. I opened my eyes and pulled my face out of his chest to see him holding up one of his Slipknot shirts. “Is this mine?” He asked.
“….Yeah.”
“Did you take this?”
“It smells like you…”
He laughed and pulled me in for a kiss.
Austin had stayed for a little while before he had to leave to play their set. When I knew their set was
over I crawled out of bed and forced myself to act like a normal person again. I got dressed and did my makeup and made my way over to Of Mice & Men’s bus. I pulled open the door and set foot on the stairs.
“-but it’s just so frustrating because she was so pissed at me for keeping secrets, and here she is, keeping the biggest fucking secret ever.” Austin was saying.
I stopped dead in my tracks, my breath getting caught in my throat.
“I didn’t think of it that way…” Tino said.
“Dude, you’re so right!” Alan said.
“Part of me wants to get pissed at her because how is that fair. But then I see her eyes when the subject gets brought up and how tense her body gets and my anger just melts away.”
I marched up the stairs scaring all of them as I came through the curtain.
“Is that how you feel?” I asked looking directly at Austin. “I can’t deal with this shit right now, Austin. I get it that you guys want to know what happened and who that man is. I totally fucking get that. And don’t think for one fucking second I don’t want to tell you guys, because this is killing me. But I physically can’t talk about it. My body isn’t letting me no matter how much I want to.”
“Rae, I was just venting my frustration. I’m trying to be as respectful as I can here.” Austin said pleading me with his eyes to forgive him.
“I need a break from you. From all of you.” I said looking at Alan and Tino too. “I’ll talk to you when I’m ready.”
I turned on my heel, slammed the bus door behind me, and ran back to All Time Low’s bus. If my body had been able to produce tears, I would have been crying.
“Hey, Rae Rae.” Jack said pulling me in for a side hug when I got on the bus. “Alex and I have some press to do in a bit, you wanna come? It might make you feel better.”
“Yeah, sure.” I needed to get out of my bunk for at least a little while.
We made our way over the press building idly chatting as we went. I was starting to feel a lot better being around Jack. He was making me laugh as he told me some story from a few nights ago. We entered the building and I almost died when I looked up and saw Austin leaning against a wall being interviewed by a woman. He was looking at the ground and he looked up when the door opened. Jack started making blow job gestures towards him and I had to look away when Austin smile and muttered, “Jack…” under his breath. The woman who was interviewing him laughed a little too.
“That was Jack from All Time Low…being a chode.” Austin explained to her as Jack and I made our way to a different corner of the room where Alex was.
“So, what are the immediate plans after Warped Tour for you?” I heard the interviewer ask Austin.
“Um, well I have no house, no car. I have no girlfriend. I have no one who actually cares about me, so I’m going to Costa Rica for two weeks…and I’m surfing. I will have no phone, no wifi, no nothing. And I will disappear.”
“Oh don’t be so fucking dramatic!” I said out loud, way louder than I should have and I knew he probably heard me.
“What?” Alex asked me with a laugh.
“Nothing.” I muttered looking at the ground feeling angry at myself.
“I definitely need it. I need it, I need it, I need it, I need it!” Austin said chuckling.
“Well definitely enjoy yourself, and keep us posted on how you’re doing.” The woman said to Austin.
“I’m going to find a Coast Rican girlfriend. I’ll learn how to speak Spanish, just for her.”
As they wrapped up their interview I let what Austin had said sink in. I knew he had said those things just to aggravate me and get under my skin. And it had definitely worked. If I didn’t get my act together I could lose him. I hadn’t known him for very long, but I knew if I had lost him I’d be miserable. I knew I couldn’t let that happen. I knew deep down it was time for me to get over the past and move forward. If I wanted Austin to be in the future I was going to have to tell him about my past. He had been right. I couldn’t expect him to tell me about his and then not tell him mine. I promised myself that after tonight I would go right to his bus, kiss him senseless, and tell him everything.
“You okay?” Jack whispered to me.
“Yeah.” I said as visions of being happy with Austin filtered through my mind finally clearing it of all the negativity that had plagued it for days. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Jack sent me a dazzling smile as he slung his arm around my shoulder and ruffled my hair. “Good, ya little shit.”
“Hey, hey, hey, Raegan…It’s just me.”
My body relaxed almost instantly at the sound of Austin’s voice. I let out a sigh of relief turning fully so
I was facing him this time and wrapping my arms around him.
“You scared me.”
“I’m so sorry.” I murmured into my hair, his hand rubbing circles into my back. “I just missed you.”
I pulled away from him to look into his eyes and smiling at him for being so caring.
“How’d you sleep?” He asked getting comfy next to me in the tiny space.
“Awful.” I admitted looking down.
“Me too.” He moved his right arm away from my back and the sight of it made my eyes go wide. It was wrapped up in an ace bandage.
“What happened?”
“I punched that guy.” He said lightly. “A lot. I think it might be fractured. I’m going to the hospital tonight.”
“This is my fault.” I said feeling my eyes brimming with tears.
“What? Rae, no. No, it’s not.”
“Just please tell me you can still play your set.” I said with my eyes closed trying to hold back the tears.
“Of course I can play, Raegan.”
“Who else got hurt?”
“No one… Babe, who was that guy?”
“Austin, please don’t…”
“I just need to know why he wanted to hurt you so badly.”
“I-I don’t know.” I lied.
“Raegan, yes you do!”
The tears started coming fast then and he pulled me into his chest letting me cry.
“Shhhhh…I’m sorry. I won’t ask questions until you’re ready, okay? Just please don’t leave me in the dark for too long. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
I couldn’t do anything but nod in agreement. I knew he was right, not telling him the truth wasn’t right. And if I wanted to be with him, I had to suck it up and explain it to him. But at the same time, the events and memories of the last two years had been painful enough to live. I had put them behind me a long time ago and I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Talking about it brought back everything I had never wanted to experience again.
“What’s this?” I heard Austin ask pulling me back into reality. I opened my eyes and pulled my face out of his chest to see him holding up one of his Slipknot shirts. “Is this mine?” He asked.
“….Yeah.”
“Did you take this?”
“It smells like you…”
He laughed and pulled me in for a kiss.
Austin had stayed for a little while before he had to leave to play their set. When I knew their set was
over I crawled out of bed and forced myself to act like a normal person again. I got dressed and did my makeup and made my way over to Of Mice & Men’s bus. I pulled open the door and set foot on the stairs.
“-but it’s just so frustrating because she was so pissed at me for keeping secrets, and here she is, keeping the biggest fucking secret ever.” Austin was saying.
I stopped dead in my tracks, my breath getting caught in my throat.
“I didn’t think of it that way…” Tino said.
“Dude, you’re so right!” Alan said.
“Part of me wants to get pissed at her because how is that fair. But then I see her eyes when the subject gets brought up and how tense her body gets and my anger just melts away.”
I marched up the stairs scaring all of them as I came through the curtain.
“Is that how you feel?” I asked looking directly at Austin. “I can’t deal with this shit right now, Austin. I get it that you guys want to know what happened and who that man is. I totally fucking get that. And don’t think for one fucking second I don’t want to tell you guys, because this is killing me. But I physically can’t talk about it. My body isn’t letting me no matter how much I want to.”
“Rae, I was just venting my frustration. I’m trying to be as respectful as I can here.” Austin said pleading me with his eyes to forgive him.
“I need a break from you. From all of you.” I said looking at Alan and Tino too. “I’ll talk to you when I’m ready.”
I turned on my heel, slammed the bus door behind me, and ran back to All Time Low’s bus. If my body had been able to produce tears, I would have been crying.
“Hey, Rae Rae.” Jack said pulling me in for a side hug when I got on the bus. “Alex and I have some press to do in a bit, you wanna come? It might make you feel better.”
“Yeah, sure.” I needed to get out of my bunk for at least a little while.
We made our way over the press building idly chatting as we went. I was starting to feel a lot better being around Jack. He was making me laugh as he told me some story from a few nights ago. We entered the building and I almost died when I looked up and saw Austin leaning against a wall being interviewed by a woman. He was looking at the ground and he looked up when the door opened. Jack started making blow job gestures towards him and I had to look away when Austin smile and muttered, “Jack…” under his breath. The woman who was interviewing him laughed a little too.
“That was Jack from All Time Low…being a chode.” Austin explained to her as Jack and I made our way to a different corner of the room where Alex was.
“So, what are the immediate plans after Warped Tour for you?” I heard the interviewer ask Austin.
“Um, well I have no house, no car. I have no girlfriend. I have no one who actually cares about me, so I’m going to Costa Rica for two weeks…and I’m surfing. I will have no phone, no wifi, no nothing. And I will disappear.”
“Oh don’t be so fucking dramatic!” I said out loud, way louder than I should have and I knew he probably heard me.
“What?” Alex asked me with a laugh.
“Nothing.” I muttered looking at the ground feeling angry at myself.
“I definitely need it. I need it, I need it, I need it, I need it!” Austin said chuckling.
“Well definitely enjoy yourself, and keep us posted on how you’re doing.” The woman said to Austin.
“I’m going to find a Coast Rican girlfriend. I’ll learn how to speak Spanish, just for her.”
As they wrapped up their interview I let what Austin had said sink in. I knew he had said those things just to aggravate me and get under my skin. And it had definitely worked. If I didn’t get my act together I could lose him. I hadn’t known him for very long, but I knew if I had lost him I’d be miserable. I knew I couldn’t let that happen. I knew deep down it was time for me to get over the past and move forward. If I wanted Austin to be in the future I was going to have to tell him about my past. He had been right. I couldn’t expect him to tell me about his and then not tell him mine. I promised myself that after tonight I would go right to his bus, kiss him senseless, and tell him everything.
“You okay?” Jack whispered to me.
“Yeah.” I said as visions of being happy with Austin filtered through my mind finally clearing it of all the negativity that had plagued it for days. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Jack sent me a dazzling smile as he slung his arm around my shoulder and ruffled my hair. “Good, ya little shit.”
9/17/13