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How To Love a Monster

three bright colors.

"Cameron?"

I jump in surprise; my eyes open wide and fearful as I turn to look at Austin. He stands in the doorway of his small kitchen, two boxes held in his arms. He was moving from this apartment and into a new little beach house on the other side of the city. My fist releases quickly from its grip on the kitchen knife I had been pulling out of the drawer. I drop it into the box next to the many other pieces of eating utensils.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

Austin keeps silent, watching me for a few seconds. I feel the gaze on my shoulders, my neck, and it slowly creeps up to my face, my eyes. They’re a smoldering dark brown; almost as dark as fresh coals waiting to be burned.

“Alan is coming over to help with the last of the stuff. You okay getting the rest of the kitchen?”

I nod, not able to find my voice. Austin smiles his usual smile, the one that makes anyone want to return it, but I don’t. His eyes say that he isn’t telling me something. Austin walks away and I hear the front door of his apartment open and close. The apartment is quiet, much like how it has been between Austin and I since I met up with Gielle a few days ago.

Don’t believe a word he says. He’s a monster.

I don’t want to believe her, but I know I can’t believe either of them right now. Things have been tense since Gielle, and I know that they will continue to be tense until I figure out who Austin Carlile really is, not who he is showing me because I know for a fact that the person he is showing me isn’t the true Austin Carlile.

“Honey, I’m home!” Alan yells as he rushes into the apartment and makes a beeline for me. While we aren’t the best of friends, Alan is a fun drinking buddy when I go on my binges during nights of no sleep. I’ve been able to sleep more than four hours a night, but then the next night I don’t get any sleep at all. I simply stare at the back of the leather couch, trying to put sense to all that’s a riddle in my life.

Alan’s bright ginger hair is a tangled mess. I continuously tell him that I’ll give him a trim if he can sit still long enough but he denies me the chance with the excuse that Maddie likes his hair long and threatened him with bodily harm if anyone cut it but her, so there wasn’t much more I could do after that about it.

“Where’s Austin?” he asks, literally skipping up to the only bar stool left in the kitchen and plopping his ass onto the squished cushion.

“Went to put some more boxes in his car,” I say, putting the last of the cooking ware in a box and taping it up. “Didn’t you see him when you walked up?” I turn to Alan, and find him spinning around and around to entertain his boyish attention span. The thought of Austin’s dark eyes leaves my mind.

“Nope,” Alan replies, gradually coming to a stop in the chair and wavers a bit from his equilibrium being thrown off. I make a small smile, and shake my head at Alan’s antics. “Need help packing?”

“I got the packing. Can you go ahead and start carrying the boxes out to the car?” I ask, pointing to the three boxes that are sealed and ready to be delivered to Austin’s little beach house. I have at least two more to be filled and then we’re going through the fridge and moving everything over to the new place. Alan stacks two of the boxes and leaves the kitchen with them in his arms. I hear Austin greet his best friend as he comes back in the apartment, Austin giving his thanks for the help, and then the door opens and closes once again as Alan goes to put the boxes in the car.

I’m half way done with one of the last two boxes of food that have been in the cabinets when Austin walks in and starts to help me. I tried to keep my body relaxed, but the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up; I can feel his eyes on me. Those dark, smoldering eyes that reveal his soul isn’t as pure as people thought – isn’t as pure as I thought.

“I really appreciate this, Cameron,” Austin says, startling the silence between us and making my breath catch in my throat. I hear Austin stop rustling through cabinets, but I continue, trying to make my lungs release carbon dioxide and have an intake of oxygen again. One of Austin’s large, calloused hands rests on my shoulder.

The worse thing I could do was tense up, but I did it anyways because my body has been stuck in defense mode for almost two weeks. I’ve tried sleeping in my house, tried moving on with my regular life and job and being alone but ever since I walked into Austin’s apartment that night a few moons before Halloween, I haven’t been able to really leave his side, at least my spirit hasn’t been able to. My body moves around like a cloud, but my soul is stuck to Austin’s side like a fish is stuck in an aquarium no matter how hard it keeps hitting the glass.

“Cameron, are you okay?”

I finally find the breath I need, and it knocks me off my feet. I fall back, onto Austin, and he catches me easily, leaning me against his body as my knees go week. Lack of oxygen to the brain makes my thoughts go fuzzy. He’s warm, like the heat that his eyes gave off as he stared at me. I feel flushed and sweaty. Panic attack, maybe? Have I let Gielle’s words get to me?

”They all make me look like the bad guy, but I’m really the victim. He’s abusive. Maybe no physically, but spend one night alone with him after he’s been drinking and you’ll want to kill yourself the next morning.”

No! I wasn’t going to believe what she was tell me, but I wasn’t going to believe Austin either, at least not until I got the full truth from him. Gielle is no longer a thing in my present, she’s the past. Moving on, no matter who it is with, is my future.

“Breathe, take deep breathes. Can you hear me? Cameron, can you hear me?”

I hear the front door open, and Alan is saying something, but I can’t hear it over Austin’s worried tone.

“Dr. Sontos, Cameron had a panic attack. She’s not responding to what I’m saying, what do I do?”

Oh no, he called Dr. Sontos. Will she tell him that I left early that day? Will he find out that I went to see Gielle and that I know about the man he is behind closed doors? But he was so young, so naïve, he didn’t know what he was doing! He’s older now, he’s been through so much to risk everything because of a few drinks and a short temper and-

No Cameron. Don’t fall for it. Don’t let him be another Vance. Do you remember what happened last time you put an excuse to drunken anger?

”Cameron, listen to me.” Dr. Sontos speaks into my ear through Austin’s phone. She’s stern, and I have ruined her day off, I bet. ”Close your eyes and count down from ten. Watch the numbers go lower and lower as if you’re watching the New Year’s countdown on television. Do you see the numbers? Ten, nine, eight… count with me, Cameron, count the numbers. Seven, six…”

“Five,” I start, keeping my eyes close and taking a breath after each number, “four, three, two… one.”

”Good, very good. Did you sleep well last night?”

“No.”

”Did you take your medicine as prescribed?”

“Yes.”

”I want to see you in my office in two hours, okay? Take a shower, let the boys pack. Can you do that for me, Cameron?”

I nod, but I know she can’t see it. Austin takes the phone from my ear and puts it to his. Dr. Sontos repeats what she said to me, to Austin. He confirms that I will be there in those two hours and hangs up the phone. Alan helps him maneuver me out of his lap and onto my feet. My knees aren’t weak, but my feet feel like lead anchors. I feel like I’m floating in a pool of luke warm water. But the floating stops and I slowly begin to sink to the bottom of the pool. It’s deeper, deeper than I thought and my lungs start to scream and burn and I want to gasp for breath but all that is available is water.

I breathe in the bright pink pill that helps me sink. Sinking farther and farther down until-

I sit up quickly, spitting out the bath water that I swallowed when I tried to breathe. Austin with a gentle, but firm pat helps me cough up the water. I shiver, suddenly cold once out of the lukewarm water. I’m naked, baring all my scars and battle wounds to the man I fear the most at the moment. I am my most vulnerable, more so than I have ever been. I continue to shiver until Austin helps me up and wraps a towel around my body. My hair sticks to my face in black, wet tendrils. Austin walks me from the bathroom to the skeleton of what is his room. He digs through the only box left to be taken out and finds a pair of shorts for me to wear while I just wear the tank top I had on earlier.

While I sit on the edge of the mattress, Austin is behind me trying to dry my hair out. How much time has passed? How much longer until I must go see Dr. Sontos and reveal all the things that have been chewing up my thoughts and spitting them back out in my face?

“Can you walk?” Austin asks me softly. I blink slowly, thoroughly, trying to get a hold of my surroundings. “Cameron?”

I pull away from Austin, and walk out of the room. I walk out of the apartment, out of the complex, and out of Austin’s life, but as I walk, still feel his smoldering eyes following me in my bright blue tank top.

Comments

Update update. Update. Update. Pl

iateurdino iateurdino
1/27/15
PLEASE UPDATE **Insert pouty face here**
Ugh ugh ugh. I feel so bad for Jolie right now. D":
Claire Carlile Claire Carlile
10/9/13
This is really good mate! I hope you update soon! :D
Cannot express enough my love for this story, i'm inlove with your work... It's just awesome.
dianna. dianna.
10/8/13