Sense Of Reality
And My Reply Was Quick, Read This Book, You Were Meant To Live
I got up and looked around, disoriented. My clothes were folded neatly at the edge of the bed, the familiar duvet cover throwing me off guard, I glanced down at myself and saw I was wearing only a large tee shirt, with lyrics stamped onto the front. On the side table next to me my phone was flashing, indicating that I had a message. I crawled out of bed, unlocking my phone as I grabbed my clothes, yanking on my jeans as I skimmed through text messages, mostly from my mum and a few from Alan. They told me, to the same effect, that they were worried and my mum didn't mind me staying at Jay's. I sent her a quick message in reply, shoving my hoodie over my head afterwards.
Diana: I'm coming home now; I can't stay here.
I walked quickly downstairs, finding my shoes next to the front door. I held my hair out of my face as I shoved them on.
'Diana,' a voice said, and I turned around, a look of surprise on my face. Sharon had a small smile on her face and was holding my bag. She seemed to sense that this was the last time I would see her, because she wrapped me in a hug and sucked in a deep breath, committing my scent to memory. As she did, no doubt memories swirled through her own mind, of when she had done this gesture numerous times when I was a child. She placed a kiss on the top of my head and I took my bag from her, blinking back tears.
'I've put a few things of Jay's in there.' Sharon said, turning and walking back to the kitchen, a silent dismissal. I stood there for a few moments, before taking out my phone and snapping a few photos. A last glance at the staircase and I was out, leaving my photo of Jay and I from my wallet on the stairs. Though I didn't know it, Sharon came out and picked up the photo, walking upstairs to Jay's room and blue-tacking it to the wall above his bed. She then shut the door, and it never opened again.
As she did this, I was opening my front door, tears running down my face. My mother was waiting in my room, arms wide open. a few minutes later, a knock sounded on the door, and Alan walked into my room after a hesitant "come in" from my mum.
'Kate,' Alan said as greeting before coming over to me, curled into my mother's side and prying me away, letting my tears leak into his shirt. My mother left us and Alan rocked me, shushing me gently. I sobered up, and put a hand on his chest,
'No,' I sat up and wiped away my tears, 'no more tears.'
'Diana, it's okay to cry.'
'Not anymore. My lamenting should have been over a long time ago.'
'Don't say that! You cared for Jay so much, it's only natural that you should still be sad that he's gone.'
'That's it though, Alan. I care too much.' I stood up and Alan followed me out of the door and down the path. 'I'm sorry,' I mumbled, turning around and sprinting back into th house. I closed the door and locked it as Alan pounded on the door. 'I'm so sorry,' I sobbed, as Alan's attempt of busting the door down lessened. I heard him walk away and I peered through the curtain as I watched him walk down the road, his beanie jammed on his head and denim jacket wrapped tightly around him. I bit my lip and returned to my room, exhausted.
The next day
I walked into school, my bag banging against my side. All around me, whispers were spreading. Every time I walked near someone, interested in hearing the gossip, they shut up and peered down their noses at me, despite my being taller than most of them. I got to my locker and spun the combination, hearing familiar footsteps behind me.
Alan was hiding behind Hayley and Stella, Maddie standing angrily by his side.
'So, what's up,' Stella began, a smile gracing her face. It wasn't a nice smile though, it was as though she was a cat who had gotten the cream, smug and her eyes glittered with malice, 'hear anything interesting about your friend?' My eyes widened slightly and my gaze flicked fleetingly to Alan, who was suddenly very interested in the pattern of the floor.
'Such as, his death?' Hayley chimed in, her voice also sickly sweet.
'It's true he was a suicide, wasn't it?' Stella taunted, sauntering forward and forcing my chin up.
'Bitch,' I spat, yanking my head back. 'I'm not saying you're correct, but how did you happen across this knowledge?'
An eyebrow raised and a slight move to the side and a path was cleared to Alan.
'How could you?' I blurted, my mouth falling open.
'I didn't mean it, Diana.' Alan mumbled. Stella looked haughtily at me,
'Oops, slip of the tongue? You are the girl who's best friend killed himself.' She leaned in closer as she said this, her voice dropping to a malicious whisper. My heart froze at her words and like they were feathers on a light breeze, they whisked themselves away, Alan included. I recieved a text message,
Alan: They overheard me yesterday after you hung up - they followed and heard everything. I'm so sorry.
I felt nothing at his words, but yelled down the hall at him, 'Sorry doesn't cut it Alan! Fuck you, just run back to Maddie. We're over.' A beat later, he replied with,
'I don't know what you're talking about.'
The bell rang, and I grabbed my books, slamming my locker shut and hurrying to homeroom. Throughout the day, Jessica tried mercilessly to get me to talk to her - she had heard the rumours and also knew they were true, but she wanted to hear it form my own mouth.
'Go away, Jessica,' I snapped in sixth period, sick of her nagging, 'stop being so damn clingy.' Jessica shook her head, saying quietly,
'You don't mean that. You're just upset.' She said it more for her benefit than my own, and moved to a different seat. I walked home that night, everyone steering clear of my path. I locked myself in my room, my face still expressionless.
Diana: I'm coming home now; I can't stay here.
I walked quickly downstairs, finding my shoes next to the front door. I held my hair out of my face as I shoved them on.
'Diana,' a voice said, and I turned around, a look of surprise on my face. Sharon had a small smile on her face and was holding my bag. She seemed to sense that this was the last time I would see her, because she wrapped me in a hug and sucked in a deep breath, committing my scent to memory. As she did, no doubt memories swirled through her own mind, of when she had done this gesture numerous times when I was a child. She placed a kiss on the top of my head and I took my bag from her, blinking back tears.
'I've put a few things of Jay's in there.' Sharon said, turning and walking back to the kitchen, a silent dismissal. I stood there for a few moments, before taking out my phone and snapping a few photos. A last glance at the staircase and I was out, leaving my photo of Jay and I from my wallet on the stairs. Though I didn't know it, Sharon came out and picked up the photo, walking upstairs to Jay's room and blue-tacking it to the wall above his bed. She then shut the door, and it never opened again.
As she did this, I was opening my front door, tears running down my face. My mother was waiting in my room, arms wide open. a few minutes later, a knock sounded on the door, and Alan walked into my room after a hesitant "come in" from my mum.
'Kate,' Alan said as greeting before coming over to me, curled into my mother's side and prying me away, letting my tears leak into his shirt. My mother left us and Alan rocked me, shushing me gently. I sobered up, and put a hand on his chest,
'No,' I sat up and wiped away my tears, 'no more tears.'
'Diana, it's okay to cry.'
'Not anymore. My lamenting should have been over a long time ago.'
'Don't say that! You cared for Jay so much, it's only natural that you should still be sad that he's gone.'
'That's it though, Alan. I care too much.' I stood up and Alan followed me out of the door and down the path. 'I'm sorry,' I mumbled, turning around and sprinting back into th house. I closed the door and locked it as Alan pounded on the door. 'I'm so sorry,' I sobbed, as Alan's attempt of busting the door down lessened. I heard him walk away and I peered through the curtain as I watched him walk down the road, his beanie jammed on his head and denim jacket wrapped tightly around him. I bit my lip and returned to my room, exhausted.
The next day
I walked into school, my bag banging against my side. All around me, whispers were spreading. Every time I walked near someone, interested in hearing the gossip, they shut up and peered down their noses at me, despite my being taller than most of them. I got to my locker and spun the combination, hearing familiar footsteps behind me.
Alan was hiding behind Hayley and Stella, Maddie standing angrily by his side.
'So, what's up,' Stella began, a smile gracing her face. It wasn't a nice smile though, it was as though she was a cat who had gotten the cream, smug and her eyes glittered with malice, 'hear anything interesting about your friend?' My eyes widened slightly and my gaze flicked fleetingly to Alan, who was suddenly very interested in the pattern of the floor.
'Such as, his death?' Hayley chimed in, her voice also sickly sweet.
'It's true he was a suicide, wasn't it?' Stella taunted, sauntering forward and forcing my chin up.
'Bitch,' I spat, yanking my head back. 'I'm not saying you're correct, but how did you happen across this knowledge?'
An eyebrow raised and a slight move to the side and a path was cleared to Alan.
'How could you?' I blurted, my mouth falling open.
'I didn't mean it, Diana.' Alan mumbled. Stella looked haughtily at me,
'Oops, slip of the tongue? You are the girl who's best friend killed himself.' She leaned in closer as she said this, her voice dropping to a malicious whisper. My heart froze at her words and like they were feathers on a light breeze, they whisked themselves away, Alan included. I recieved a text message,
Alan: They overheard me yesterday after you hung up - they followed and heard everything. I'm so sorry.
I felt nothing at his words, but yelled down the hall at him, 'Sorry doesn't cut it Alan! Fuck you, just run back to Maddie. We're over.' A beat later, he replied with,
'I don't know what you're talking about.'
The bell rang, and I grabbed my books, slamming my locker shut and hurrying to homeroom. Throughout the day, Jessica tried mercilessly to get me to talk to her - she had heard the rumours and also knew they were true, but she wanted to hear it form my own mouth.
'Go away, Jessica,' I snapped in sixth period, sick of her nagging, 'stop being so damn clingy.' Jessica shook her head, saying quietly,
'You don't mean that. You're just upset.' She said it more for her benefit than my own, and moved to a different seat. I walked home that night, everyone steering clear of my path. I locked myself in my room, my face still expressionless.
I love this so much <3 <3 <3
9/5/14